To think Dsis is overeacting after SS hit niece?

[PapaSteel]

I've been with my partner for 8 years and we have dc together, he has a son from his previous relationship. He's 15 and not his bio son but he's been in his life since he was young and he sees him as his dad

Alot happened when we got together as his ex would tell SS that DP didn't want to see him anymore now he was dating me which wasn't true at all. She was physically & verbally abusive towards him and he's been living with us since he was 13 (after he told school about howHe has a lot of trauma and anger which school are supportive about and outside of school he gets help on how to manage the anger and he is a lot better than he was but the anger is still there so we are just patient with him

We're currently on holiday with my sister and her 2 dc and have been here since Monday. There was issues almost straight away as ss got angry at the claw machine but he and dp left the arcade and went for a walk to calm down as the arcade was busy so there was no way he'd have been able to calm down whilst in the arcade. My sister described him as a tantrumming toddler who didn't get his own way and said partner wasn't doing him any favours. I ignored her

He loves drawing and usually if you ask he will show what he's drawing but earlier he was at the table drawing and my niece (10) kept asking what he was drawing. He told her but she kept saying “show me show me” despite him saying no, she pulled his sketch book away from him which caused him to shout at her and she “accidentally” spilt her water on it. He was clearly very angry/upset and walked off to go to his room and she followed him and called him a baby, asked if he was going to cry etc, and he turned round and hit her and now he's being made out to be the bad guy

During this my sister was out with her other dc, my dp was in the shower and I was telling her multiple times to leave him alone and do something else even when she was repeatedly telling him to show her his drawing and she ignored me

My sister is now back and furious, she said she doesn't want her children to share a space with a “violent man”, and has even mentioned going to the police and social services on us if we're happy to have him around our children as he's not related to us when asked where he should go she just replied care

AIBU to think she's overreacting? I know SS shouldn't have hit her and he knows this too but she hasn't apologised for her part in deliberatly winding him up and sister says she doesn't need to as she's a child and he's nearly an adult

No one is saying that verbal abuse is ok.

No one is saying the girl’s behaviour is ok. Her behaviour was appalling.

And if the OP was the girl’s Mum I might have some things to say about that.

The OP is parenting the 15 yo boy, and she was also the responsible adult in the room during the incident.

And she really doesn’t appear to be taking it seriously enough.

Your SS is a thug. Your niece is a nasty brat.

Both you and your sister need to sort out your respective kids rathrr than pointing fingers

No one is covered in glory here

You aren’t wrong but where is the sister in all this. I would be very pissed off with my daughter and would absolutely be insisting she apologise for the nasty name calling and also ruining his drawing.

it’s incredibly sad actually for the boy and he is a boy, not a man.

The 10 year old behaved like an annoying little sister

The 15 year old behaved like a violent brute

The end

I'm an awful parent and person in your book 😆😂. Calm down.

If a wife is being a dick to the husband, and so the husband punches her in the face. Does she still need to apologise for being a bit of a dick?

I can’t believe you are minimising a teenage boy hitting a 10 year old girl!

She is a brat, but you and he lost any argument about that as soon as he lashed out.

Your sis is not overreacting. You should take the boy home if his anger is still so out of control. He may have made progress from where he was, but he is still not safe around other children.

YABU, in no way is it acceptable for a 15 year old boy to hit a ten year old girl, I would have called the police already. Stop dismissing it and trying to make it acceptable as it’s not, yes he may have issues but if he can do that to a young girl your going to have far bigger problems on your hands down the line.

The 10 year old behaved like a nasty little brat.

Following him taunting asking "are you gonna cry" isnt annoying little sister, its nasty piece of work

I agree with your assessment of the ss

You’re downplaying by saying niece being annoying. For someone who struggles to regulate, being provoked when you’ve tried to deescalate and walk away is not on either. She sounds a brat especially as her Aunt had told her repeatedly to stop. Sorry but this is not violence out of nowhere. That was unequivocally wrong but making niece a victim also misses the context. OP and her DP sound like good parents. Her dSIS using the incident to then say SS not a blood relation tells all need to know that she unlike OP does not view him is family. That comment was appalling.

If we saw this 15 year old lad standing next to this 10 year old girl… I think the almost unanimous response would have been one of horror and very much with the sister in her anger

You are minimising it because you were the responsible adult in the room and failed to manage the situation. So the six of one, half a dozen of the other splits three ways.

DN needs to learn to read social cues and not be a pain in the arse
SS really needs to learn not to be violent
You need to learn when and how to step in and actually do it, you could see it escalating, even if you'd told DN off for spilling her water SS would have felt protected by you.

I think for him to have gotten to 15 and not explained about how claw machines work is also an issue. From about 8 or 9 years old Ive played youtube videos explaining that theres a mechanism for full power to engage once the machine has made a certain amount of money.

Kids still like using claw machines for the fun of it but say I give them £20 per arcade session, I'll only allow max £5 to be spent on those machines per day.

Any plushies that are particularly wanted I will take a photo and use google lens to find it for sale online, show them and explain they can use their pocket money to buy it once we are home. And also when they see the plush costs £10 on amazon they are less reluctant to waste lots of their money and instead stick to actually arcade games.

Not to say he wont be lucky to get a full power claw, on our last holiday we must have spent about £20 over several days on a claw machine with kpop demon hunters plushies. Many times the claw was perfectly lined up but no power to lift it. On our last day after £2 we got a full power claw and got the plush! - but its total luck as to when this happens and your ss should have been taught this by adults in his life.

He can't get angry at the machine, thats just how its programmed, its there to make money for the business.

I dont think pandering to anger does anyone any good. It sounds like this young man has a lot of issues and I dont think being around young kids is good for him, as kids are hard work and it doesnt sound like he has the patience to be around them, which is then a risk isnt it.

This. She should have been told off for being so obnoxious.

A bit of a dick = no. Being verbally abusive and bullying her husband = certainly.

Well you're a terrible person in my book then. How ever will you sleep tonight ? 😆

Great post 👏

@PapaSteel you should really take notice of what this poster says.

He is a kid, not a man. He clearly does need help with his anger, which you say is happening, and obviously it's serious that he hit someone.
But a grown woman taunting a child she knows has issues? I would worry if a person like this has kids. What is she doing to them?

I was taller than the 15 yr old who
hit me, and the consequence was disastrous.

10 year old acting like a annoying kid.

15 year own turned around and punched a 10 year old the 15 year old is the one more in the wrong.

If you can’t stop him hitting people you shouldn’t be in control of him alone with other minor children.

There was a woman on here last week whose husband was being a dick to her, so she threw a cloth child's hat in his direction, it missed him and knocked over a plastic bottle and some water spilt on the floor. Huge number of posters saying she had abused him.

Yet apparently, if a 10 year old girl is being a brat, then she deserves a little slap eh? nothing wrong with that. She was asking for it ..

@Hadenough32 has clearly and calmly explained what should have happened. You need to do better OP. Unless you let your DH rough you up if you get a bit annoying?

The 15 year old male is old enough to be charged with assault.

You need to bear that in mind.

From the way you tell it, she sounds like she deserved a smack because she wouldn’t let it be and actively sabotaged his drawing and this will be a good lesson to her in future.
Nevertheless it does sound quite disturbing that a 15 yo would hit a 10 yo and if he has grown (rather than still being a small boy) that sounds even more upsetting.
Reporting to social services is ridiculous though. Both kids need a good talking to and to be separated.

100% this! ^^

Hitting someone isn't right, but hitting someone after being repeatedly antagonised is not the same as hitting someone for no reason whatsoever.

If the sister takes this to social services then her own parenting should and will come under question.

Where has her daughter learned that it's OK to deliberately do things to make someone angry, then keep doing nasty things even after that person has the common sense to walk away? Because that's a learned behaviour.

Why did the sister leave her daughter given she referred to the 15 year old as a "tantruming toddler" and knew he had anger issues? She must have known what her daughter was like so she shouldn't have left her.

The bottom line is that the ONLY reason this happened was down to the behaviour of the 10 year old. A 10 year old is legally responsible for their behaviour, so she knew full well what she was doing. She saw him get angry, she saw him walk away, but she made the choice to keep going and winding him up.

You just have to look up "mitigating circumstances" online to see how many sentences are thrown out due to the victim actually being the cause of the issue.

Six of one, half a dozen of the other. You should have physically intervened, as soon as it became physical, when she wrecked his sketch.

Feeding a baby isn't an excuse, how do you think parents of multiple children manage? I don't let the older ones run feral just because I'm feeding.

Put the baby down for a minute, yes they'll cry. Take her by the arm, remove her from the room, give her a good bollocking and send her to her room if she can't behave.

No she is not overreacting. I have a huge amount of sympathy for your DSS but I would also have been absolutely livid if a 15 yr old boy had hit my DD when she was 10.

I think however much help your DSS is getting he’s not at the point when he can go on holiday with other children or be left unsupervised. Yes the 10 yr old was being annoying but… news flash… that’s what 10 yr olds do. You absolutely cannot allow a 15 yr old to hit them. I suspect your sister is a bit appalled that you’re not taking this more seriously too.

Personally I think you guys should go home- I don’t think you can recover this holiday. I wouldn’t go away with your DS or any other cousins/ children for the future. I’d also seriously review the support your DS is getting as frankly it doesn’t sound as though it’s working.