To think Dsis is overeacting after SS hit niece?

[PapaSteel]

I've been with my partner for 8 years and we have dc together, he has a son from his previous relationship. He's 15 and not his bio son but he's been in his life since he was young and he sees him as his dad

Alot happened when we got together as his ex would tell SS that DP didn't want to see him anymore now he was dating me which wasn't true at all. She was physically & verbally abusive towards him and he's been living with us since he was 13 (after he told school about howHe has a lot of trauma and anger which school are supportive about and outside of school he gets help on how to manage the anger and he is a lot better than he was but the anger is still there so we are just patient with him

We're currently on holiday with my sister and her 2 dc and have been here since Monday. There was issues almost straight away as ss got angry at the claw machine but he and dp left the arcade and went for a walk to calm down as the arcade was busy so there was no way he'd have been able to calm down whilst in the arcade. My sister described him as a tantrumming toddler who didn't get his own way and said partner wasn't doing him any favours. I ignored her

He loves drawing and usually if you ask he will show what he's drawing but earlier he was at the table drawing and my niece (10) kept asking what he was drawing. He told her but she kept saying “show me show me” despite him saying no, she pulled his sketch book away from him which caused him to shout at her and she “accidentally” spilt her water on it. He was clearly very angry/upset and walked off to go to his room and she followed him and called him a baby, asked if he was going to cry etc, and he turned round and hit her and now he's being made out to be the bad guy

During this my sister was out with her other dc, my dp was in the shower and I was telling her multiple times to leave him alone and do something else even when she was repeatedly telling him to show her his drawing and she ignored me

My sister is now back and furious, she said she doesn't want her children to share a space with a “violent man”, and has even mentioned going to the police and social services on us if we're happy to have him around our children as he's not related to us when asked where he should go she just replied care

AIBU to think she's overreacting? I know SS shouldn't have hit her and he knows this too but she hasn't apologised for her part in deliberatly winding him up and sister says she doesn't need to as she's a child and he's nearly an adult

Are you for real? Boys are far stronger than girls. My dd used to play mixed sex rugby. That’s only considered safe for under 11s. Weight for height, boys have far more lean muscle mass than girls. Genetics.

The average 15 year old boy could cause serious damage to a grown woman, let alone a 10 year old. And your dss is only a couple of inches below average height.

As for your dn, she sounds like a brat, but you can’t excuse your dss at all.

More excuses.

I wondered how long until the "it's okay because I didn't punch you I just hit you" came along. I hope he doesn't have a girlfriend.

He hit her. He’s 15. Your sister isn’t overreacting FFS.

Imagine your son is in a relationship with an abusive woman who taunts him, destroys his things and calls him a cry baby when he tries to get away from her abuse. He doesn't tell anyone, he just quietly suffers in silence because he's been taught that girls can do what they want, all the responsibility is on men to control their temper and it's only violence that matters, verbal and emotional abuse is acceptable.

it beggars belief that this needs saying, but a 15 year old is significantly older and more mature than a 10 year old, and also above the age of criminal responsibility

@PapaSteel
Why didn’t you get up, walk over and physically intervene by moving the artwork and telling your SS to go to another room, whilst making eye contact with your niece and telling her that no means no and she needs to leave him and his drawings alone for now. Why didn’t you get involved?

It sounds like you ineffectually sat off at the side just saying “stop please.”

You know he is a danger, you need to be standing there and intervening.

He shouldn’t have hit her.

but he knows that.

He used the strategies taught and walked away and she followed him and was taunting him.

If he hadn’t have hit her would she have followed him into his room? Around the resort? When would she have stopped?

I think anyone would have trouble not reacting physically to remove someone who is taunting them and a hormonal 15yo boy who doesn’t have any biological failing whir life will struggle more.

I think the holiday needs to end. Let your sister do what she wants as the authorities will look at the bigger picture and not just 15yo boy Vs 10yo girl.

Keep him in therapy and keep working on him learning strategies to cope because hitting isn't the answer and he may find himself trapped by someone following and taunting him again and he needs to be able to manage this.

The thing is I was parented properly as a child so I wouldn’t need to behave or react like that as an adult, nor would I deliberately attack someone either.

seems like the OP is trying to help her stepson get to that point - and you (and others) are determined to vilify him and excuse the behaviour of the niece who will grow up to feel her behaviour is ok. That’s the issue.

also you do realise in situations (often where women have been provoked and abused and have lashed out fatally at their spouse, the court does take this into account. It’s not the male / female issue you’re trying to paint it out to be.

What are you talking about?
There being raised to walk away, have self respect and leave an abusive relationship. Bit to quietly take abuse.

You seem to be saying that we have 2 choices when raising boys - raise them to thump a woman who is abusive or quietly remain in the relationship. What are you on about?

We teach our boys that violence is never ever the answer. But walking away, ending a friendship or relationship or not getting involved with certain groups is the way to handle it. We are not teaching them that if they cannot hit back then they must accept any and all behaviour from a woman. Your post is just stupid.

Provocation is actually a partial defence to murder.

If you are charged with assault the court definitely look at behaviour beforehand. Provocation isn't a complete defence but that excuses a physical assault, but the history, words, and actions between the parties before the incident are vital pieces of evidence examined during a trial and may heavily influence sentencing even if found guilty.

👏🏻👏🏻

Exactly. And said much better than o could put.

Just because he was wrong doesn’t mean he should out up with abuse in the first place.

@PapaSteel
Pack up and go home
DP and yourself may be understanding whilst doing your best by the 15 year old SS but he's obviously got anger management issues
So needs more therapy
And I wonder what his bio mother actually said to trigger him into this state in the time he was with her
Also wonder what his bio dads actually like?
Your sisters hysteria is a reaction to terrible shrill spoilt-brat parenting
But having said that the 10year old shouldn't have been so awful either
Take this as a wake-up call and
Get SS some therapy now
I find it astonishing to the character of your partner he has taken on a child not his

he turned round and hit her and now he's being made out to be the bad guy
No, he IS the bad guy. I understand that your step son grew frustrated with your niece, but she's a 10 year old girl and he's a 15 year old boy. He should not have put his hands on her, full stop. It's bad guy behaviour.

This boy clearly has anger issues, which is understandable, but what is your partner doing about it? Is this boy in therapy? Is he getting any help? Going for a walk to calm down is not a good coping mechanism...

During this my sister was out with her other dc, my dp was in the shower and I was telling her multiple times to leave him alone and do something else even when she was repeatedly telling him to show her his drawing and she ignored me
Since you were in charge of the kids, it was your responsibility to handle the girl better. If she wouldn't listen, you should have removed her from the situation.

My sister is now back and furious
Understandably.

she said she doesn't want her children to share a space with a “violent man”, and has even mentioned going to the police and social services on us if we're happy to have him around our children as he's not related to us when asked where he should go she just replied care
It's not unreasonable to not wnat her kids near your step son, but calling the police and social services on him is a bit harsh. But as I said, you clearly need help with your step son, he's not coping.

AIBU to think she's overreacting?
Yes, she's not overreacting. If your 10 year old daughter was hit in school by a 15 year old boy would you really not think this is bad?

I know SS shouldn't have hit her and he knows this too
That's good, but he also had a meltdown at the arcades for something minor. He doesn't just need to "know" that he does wrong, he also needs some help with learning how to manage his anger and frustration. In a few years, he'll be an adult in the eyes of the law, and he can't just regret it and "know he's done wrong" when he hits people, or do worse.

but she hasn't apologised for her part in deliberatly winding him up
I do think the kid was annoying, but that's normal 10 year old kiddie behaviour: they annoy the hell out of people. I don't think she should apologise to your step son, especially considering the fact that he hit her, but I do think her parents should do better, and talk to her about provoking people and respecting their boundaries when they say stop, or when she's being asked to leave people alone.

and sister says she doesn't need to as she's a child and he's nearly an adult
She needs to talk to her kid about not being annoying when people ask her to stop being annoying.

Another rather stupid response.

You are saying that there are only 2 options for men - be violent or meekly accept abuse.

I’ve got 2 boys, and I’m not raising them to do either of those things. Teaching boys never to be violent, particularly towards women, does not equate to teaching them to meekly accept abuse.

It’s an insane way to try and manipulate this.

I'm saying BOTH children need to be disciplined. The girls behaviour was disgusting but her mother and many posters here seem to think it's just the boy in the wrong because he resorted to violence. That was also very wrong, but it does not absolve the girl of any responsibility. Acting like it does send the message that girls mentally abusing boys is acceptable.

15
hit a girl
aged 10

my god, in your shoes I’d be petrified and in your sister’s shoes I’d be furious

Regardless of fault/apologies/everything else, the holiday cannot continue.

You're missing the point, there you are putting all the responsibility on the boys. Girls also need to be raised to not be abusive.

Both kids were wrong, but I think what is important is that if neither are able to behave appropriately and neither follow your instructions, then they need to be kept separate. Your niece acting like that is because she’s been raised like that so I doubt her mum will make her accept any accountability for her behaviour, but I’m not surprised she doesn’t want him around her child as a 15 year old hitting a 10 year old is never okay.

Sounds as if you’re doing a great job of raising him to think he can do what he likes.

Your sister is not a safe person to be around your DSS.
I would take your family home and let everyone recover. Make sure that your DSS gets the help that he needs.

Exactly
All the mental gymnastics being used to excuse this young man
My concern is that if he can get this angry with an annoying ten year old female cousin . How would he react to something even more serious ?

The thing is I was parented properly as a child so I wouldn’t need to behave or react like that as an adult

You've inadvertently hit the nail on the head here, there was absolutely NO parenting going on in this situation which is why it escalated. OP was the one in charge of the children at the time, and let all this happen, she let her niece continue to pester her SS, then she let her SS shout at her niece in retaliation.. which all then escalated into water spilling, name calling and her niece being hit.. at any point along the way she could have stepped in and properly intervened and if she isn't capable of doing it they should not be left alone in her care.

Being passive is not the same as parenting.

OP is the one in the wrong here.

Because we’re talking to the OP, not the girl’s mother.

She needs to focus on him. And that means she cannot excuse his violence at all, or this boy will cling to that. It does not matter what that girl did, at all. He cannot use violence.

Praise his walking away, praise his attempt to get out of the situation, tell him that was absolutely correct when being bullied/abused/upset. But do not ever say “you only hit out because she was upsetting you” because it is never ok for men to use violence. At that point, what she was doing no longer matters and it cannot be used as an excuse, at all.

This wasn’t self defence.

Sounds like the sister’s also doing a great job of raising her daughter to think she can do what she likes and never has to apologise for anything