To think Dsis is overeacting after SS hit niece?

[PapaSteel]

I've been with my partner for 8 years and we have dc together, he has a son from his previous relationship. He's 15 and not his bio son but he's been in his life since he was young and he sees him as his dad

Alot happened when we got together as his ex would tell SS that DP didn't want to see him anymore now he was dating me which wasn't true at all. She was physically & verbally abusive towards him and he's been living with us since he was 13 (after he told school about howHe has a lot of trauma and anger which school are supportive about and outside of school he gets help on how to manage the anger and he is a lot better than he was but the anger is still there so we are just patient with him

We're currently on holiday with my sister and her 2 dc and have been here since Monday. There was issues almost straight away as ss got angry at the claw machine but he and dp left the arcade and went for a walk to calm down as the arcade was busy so there was no way he'd have been able to calm down whilst in the arcade. My sister described him as a tantrumming toddler who didn't get his own way and said partner wasn't doing him any favours. I ignored her

He loves drawing and usually if you ask he will show what he's drawing but earlier he was at the table drawing and my niece (10) kept asking what he was drawing. He told her but she kept saying “show me show me” despite him saying no, she pulled his sketch book away from him which caused him to shout at her and she “accidentally” spilt her water on it. He was clearly very angry/upset and walked off to go to his room and she followed him and called him a baby, asked if he was going to cry etc, and he turned round and hit her and now he's being made out to be the bad guy

During this my sister was out with her other dc, my dp was in the shower and I was telling her multiple times to leave him alone and do something else even when she was repeatedly telling him to show her his drawing and she ignored me

My sister is now back and furious, she said she doesn't want her children to share a space with a “violent man”, and has even mentioned going to the police and social services on us if we're happy to have him around our children as he's not related to us when asked where he should go she just replied care

AIBU to think she's overreacting? I know SS shouldn't have hit her and he knows this too but she hasn't apologised for her part in deliberatly winding him up and sister says she doesn't need to as she's a child and he's nearly an adult

I think you are doing an amazing job under difficult circumstances but then dsis isn’t being unreasonable either.

I think you probably need to see them without dss for a while and perhaps go home now. She might calm down.

If posters actually read my thread they'd see I have said he is getting support for his anger.

Niece is a brat and I would just stop doing things with her- she’s going to keep trying to irritate him so he retaliates.

However, you need to get him help before you run into big problems. In 3 years he’ll be 18, a grown man and he needs to learn not to loose his cool and hit- especially not a much smaller female. It doesn’t matter that he’s not big enough to hurt her, it matters that he thinks it’s acceptable to hit. My 3 year old son knows he can’t hit people.

He’s very nearly an adult and god knows the world doesn’t need another violent man with anger issues.

Do your own research if you like
Plenty of information available, black belt barrister is a really good source on YouTube.
Or you can look on law firms' websites eg
https://www.harrissolicitors.org.uk/post/understanding-self-defence-law-in-the-uk

I would keep my children away from your violent step son as well.
She was annoying. He was violent.

I saw that.
However it still boils down to the fact that he hit someone. And he hit someone smaller and weaker than him.
She was annoying, he was violent. I wouldn’t have my children in the same room as him.

Hit covers a multitude, was it a full on punch in the face, or more of a shove? If he really punched her hard in the face that is a cause for concern. At his age he needs to be able to control his temper or it will get him in real trouble. And the niece needs to learn some boundaries, no means no, and don't taunt people or she will get hurt one day. At least they should both apologise.

This I agree with. One never knows how a person might react. It is important for children, people in general, to have an awareness that some people are actually dangerous.

Like this girls step cousin.

You and his dad are failing that boy. He isn’t going to get any better with the way you are choosing to parent this. He is going to turn into another violent man who hits the woman in his life. I just hope he never kills anyone.

Do better. Have consequences. Stop excusing his behaviour in any way. Stop giving him a get out clause by blaming a 10 year old for being a 10 year old. You need to properly intervene and sort this out. You are failing.

Your sister should go to the police.

He recognised the problem tried to remove himself to control the situation
and this is where niece come into her own at 10 she knew exactly what she was doing

he’s been dealt with she needs to be dealt with for her part in this she caused the entire situation

If I'd pissed off my brother or cousin when I was 10 and actively ruined something he'd made I'm 100% sure he'd have given me a whack. It's the kind of thing my parents would have let us figure out amongst ourselves - it's not like he's beaten her unprovoked or been abusively violent. Hopefully they've both learned something.

Where was your DP when all this was going on?

Your niece isn't a very nice child at all. She completely provoked your SS into lashing out but he should know better than to hit a child so much younger than him.

Your sister is horrible for saying that he should be put into care.

I don't think that you should socialise with your sister and her family as they are deliberately unkind and goady to your step-son and the only way to stop future confrontations like this is to keep the two families apart.

I was searching for this response as it is absolutely what I feel too.

The 10 year old was being a ten year old...wanting to see the drawing isn't awful it's natural curiosity, spilling water isn't a danger. If events escalated where is the parenting, the safeguarding a known angry adolescent?

OP and DH knew 15 year old struggled to control his anger and didn't step in or monitor ...this is where the apology should be. That and not a clear explanation that claw machines are rigged 🤦‍♀️

And then at home he has you and his dad going, “there there, it’s not your fault, it’s all the nasty 10 year old girl”

And you're probably undoing all of that by basically telling him she deserved to get hit

It sounds like you let that incident happen.

You need to do much better job of supervising if he is prone to violent outbursts.. maybe you will when it your own children in the firing line.

Goodness me. I can’t believe these replies. She snatched his drawing away after he told her what it was because she thought her right to see trumped his choice, then spilt water on it and then walked after him being deliberately nasty calling him a crybaby. And everyone here is falling over themselves to excuse it and say no need to apologise.

she needs a good smack to be honest. She sounds awful. Complete overreaction. He’s hardly a violent man. He said sorry, needs to know he can’t do that again - but she sounds far more unpleasant and spiteful. No wonder society is going downhill with alll these posters bringing up their children like this.

OP don’t holiday with your sister. She sounds vengeful and horrific.

I don't condone violence but the niece did sound seriously bloody annoying. As a teenager I'd probably have slapped her for deliberately spilling water on a drawing. I don't see this as a male/female issue or a violence issue. I see this more of a "don't get in someone's face, verbally abuse them and deliberately damage something they have been working hard on" issue.

Yes, walking away is better but he did that and she followed him. Everyone has a tipping point. I was very mild mannered, quiet, studious and well-behaved a at school but a bully/frenemy deliberately threw a small amount of banana milkshake down my school jumper after verbally abusing me, and so I tipped the whole lot over her head. Your sister needs to take some responsibility for controlling her daughter's actions.

Also hopefully she will know not to wind him up again. I would ask him to apologise for lashing out, but DN should also apologise properly for spoiling his drawing and verbally abusing him. Then draw a line under it and move on.

I quite agree, that was an awful thing to do.

A five year age difference. A 15 year old who is close to launch and doesn't know not to hit? Go to an adult for intervention? THIS would be kept for children to resolve amongst themselves?

How odd

I can’t even find the words to express how unreasonable you are.

Stop making excuses for this horrible shit of a boy, consider protecting your own children before he starts abusing them, and stop victim blaming a 10 year old child.

If it were my daughter I would be teaching her that she never, ever should tolerate violence and like hell would I ask her to apologise to a man who had hit her.

If it were my son I would be furious that she wound him up that much, but also furious he reacted.

People always see the best in their children and I can see both sides of this.

🙄🙄🙄🙄

People are fucking nuts. I'm out.

She is totally over reacting but that doesn't mean that what he did was OK. The line between using your hands or physical force and not is a big one. He crossed that line therefore is in the wrong for this. He should apologise for his role in it. This is a good lesson, niece was in the wrong provoking him and now she is portrayed as the victim because he overstepped. This is what is going to happen in life every time he pushes the boundaries so he needs to learn not to do it. Had the argument stayed verbal, he would be able to rightly blame niece for her role. Now she can lord it over him and he ultimately is the loser.