To think Dsis is overeacting after SS hit niece?

[PapaSteel]

I've been with my partner for 8 years and we have dc together, he has a son from his previous relationship. He's 15 and not his bio son but he's been in his life since he was young and he sees him as his dad

Alot happened when we got together as his ex would tell SS that DP didn't want to see him anymore now he was dating me which wasn't true at all. She was physically & verbally abusive towards him and he's been living with us since he was 13 (after he told school about howHe has a lot of trauma and anger which school are supportive about and outside of school he gets help on how to manage the anger and he is a lot better than he was but the anger is still there so we are just patient with him

We're currently on holiday with my sister and her 2 dc and have been here since Monday. There was issues almost straight away as ss got angry at the claw machine but he and dp left the arcade and went for a walk to calm down as the arcade was busy so there was no way he'd have been able to calm down whilst in the arcade. My sister described him as a tantrumming toddler who didn't get his own way and said partner wasn't doing him any favours. I ignored her

He loves drawing and usually if you ask he will show what he's drawing but earlier he was at the table drawing and my niece (10) kept asking what he was drawing. He told her but she kept saying “show me show me” despite him saying no, she pulled his sketch book away from him which caused him to shout at her and she “accidentally” spilt her water on it. He was clearly very angry/upset and walked off to go to his room and she followed him and called him a baby, asked if he was going to cry etc, and he turned round and hit her and now he's being made out to be the bad guy

During this my sister was out with her other dc, my dp was in the shower and I was telling her multiple times to leave him alone and do something else even when she was repeatedly telling him to show her his drawing and she ignored me

My sister is now back and furious, she said she doesn't want her children to share a space with a “violent man”, and has even mentioned going to the police and social services on us if we're happy to have him around our children as he's not related to us when asked where he should go she just replied care

AIBU to think she's overreacting? I know SS shouldn't have hit her and he knows this too but she hasn't apologised for her part in deliberatly winding him up and sister says she doesn't need to as she's a child and he's nearly an adult

The whole thing sound bonkers. Both children are to blame. Sound like holiday from hell if you ask me. Your and her family shouldn’t be on holiday together.

No. This is another adult refusing to understand that their precious female child provoked. And wasn't parented properly by their parent. In fact almost encouraged by the sounds of it. The stepson has been receiving support but clearly not from all of the family. Best sister and niece stay well away, whilst step dad and step mum do their best to help this teenager.

I do think you parented this one badly op. You could see her winding him up, you said stop it a few times and that's all. He walked off, she followed, you know he's likely to escalate when he's wound up but you put feeding your child over protecting the other two - her from him and him from himself.

You get up, you go over, and you stand between them. You tell niece to leave X alone or she'll have Y consequence. Yo u give him the space to leave and you block her following. If she does, you follow her and block her from his room.

Basically, you be the adult

Poor little you.

Did your Mum used to snatch things away from your dad and damage them and then follow your dad as he tried to leave the room ridiculing him? Did she deliberately taunt him?

An adult asking his child to intervene we he was violent is NOTHING like a traumatised child quite literally backed into a corner.

Was it acceptable behaviour? No it wasn’t, but it doesn’t seem to me like the two circumstances are comparable.

My teenage niece lost her temper with her hair straighteners the other day when she couldn’t get her curls right. She threw them across the room. Said some bad words too. Ideal behaviour? Nope. Prone to violence? Probably not…

Is it just because he is an abuse survivor that you feel you can predict the trajectory of his behaviour based on such a small amount of information?

and still no accountability. Still blaming everyone else. And defending abuse. Lots of us had terrible childhoods with abuse. Hidden behind facades of respectability and private schools.
I take accountability for my behaviour when it crosses the line even though its due to my trauma. I dont ever blame anyone else "for my winding me up " thats ridiculous.

And i have never ever physically hurt anyone. Funny that.
Bet this poor little 15yr old wouldn't have smacked an older boy in the face for "winding him up". But a 10yr old girl. Fair game

Not even a little
But you dont know when to stop.
I rest my case.

Honestly he really could have killed her
At 5"5 he is only slightly shorter than average for his age
He has atleast 50% more muscle mass than her
Males can punch with 160% more force than females.
He will have bones about 15% denser than her meaning fracturing her skull would be easier than a boys.
I highly doubt that a 10 year old girl is nearly 5"5 as the average hight of fully grown women is 5"3 in the uk.

These are just some stats that show the difference between the average 15 year old boy vs a 10 year old girl.
You can not minimise how bad his actions are he hit a little girl .
Oh and btw at 15 hes already stronger than you

There's got to be a fair difference unless she's a ridiculouslyntall 10 yr old also he's a 15 yr old boy unable to control his temper to the point of hitting a much younger girl. You're under reacting. I'd be seeking help for him, I'd be sending dp home with him too, he can't cope with this holiday, he needs to be somewhere he can regulate himself. .

I agree! 10 year old sounds like a brat.

To be fair though, he didn’t punch her. He didn’t hit her in the face either. He hit/shoved her in the shoulder. It sounds most like he was trying to get her away from him.

Yeah no sorry no excuse. I'd be absolutely fuming if a 15 year old boy hit my 10 year old DD. She wound him up and was being annoying but absolutely no excuse for physical violence. Honestly don't blame your sister one bit.

Clearly both were in the wrong. But you do need to take this more seriously than it sounds like you are. You say he is the same size as her - but males have more muscle mass and thus greater strength. He is much older than her. It is great that he is working on his anger but if this had been an unrelated child you bet the parents would have called the police and he would be in trouble.

You aren't protecting him by sticking up for him with your sister. She clearly needs to tell her child off for being persistently annoying (it is clearly never a good idea to taunt someone who is obviously angry, and it is an important lesson), however you need to look again at what can be done to help him with his temper. Do you think he understands the seriousness of what he has done - not that it was bad, but that it was seriously bad? There are cases all the time of people that hit someone once in anger and it results in serious injury or even death; appreciate that is more punches but if he can't control his anger next time it could be a punch. He needs to know that no matter how angry you are you can never, ever hurt anyone else. He needs better anger management techniques beyond walking away, which is great he is doing but as this case proves it doesn't always work.

Do you think the baby is part of the problem? Many children feel displaced when a new baby comes into the picture. It might be part of his overall anger at the world and his past treatment. If you aren't already i would encourage you and his dad giving home extra attention and love - though as above tied to helping him understand the seriousness of this problem.

There's nothing fair about that. So as long as you don't punch someone in the face, you can hit them all you want?

Of course we only have OP side of the story of how awful the 10yr old behaved and how her poor little SS tried so hard to run away until he was just forced to hit her. I wonder what story her sister would tell. Excusing, minimising and justifying this behaviour is not helping him one bit.
Well not if he wants to become a normal member of society.

My 15 year old has autism and adhd and he would react in a similar way if this happened to him. It sounds to me that they both need more supervision or keeping away from each other.

They both need a bollocking.

However separately, he was TRYING to do the right thing and walk away and that should be acknowledged. Discuss with him what else he could have done, given the adult in the situation didn't step in actively.

She was pursuing and provoking - she needs a chat about fucking around and finding out, you cannot just push people who are trying to walk away, and always expect zero response because you are younger/a girl/whatever.

Regardless of the rights/wrongs, no human is able to totally predict or control any other humans behaviour, only their own - so whilst hitting someone isn't acceptable, provoking someone to the point of them hitting you is also not acceptable.

It is all very well the other person being in trouble for smacking you - but you STILL got smacked, and it still hurt, the fact it was wrong of them and they're in trouble does not take that away - and it could have been avoided by not behaving like a little shit.

Bet this poor little 15yr old wouldn't have smacked an older boy in the face for "winding him up".

I think he might've. I did as a 9yo girl.

Are you one of those people that leaves their front door unlocked because "nobody should enter my house"?

Yes he is a child, yes he is traumatised. But how many of you saying "poor misunderstood lad, neice should have known better" would want him dating their daughter?

Imagine a post on here "my teenage daughter came home from a date upset because the lad got angry at the arcade machines and they had to leave for him to calm down. She's told me he does have anger issues, he spends time out of class because of it and has told her he once hit a 10 year old who called him names. My daughter feels sorry for him because his mum used to hurt him". How many posters would say "tell your daughter to give him a other chance?" Or want their daughters to?

He is going to encounter many scenarios and people who wind him up, that's unavoidable in life. The drunk on the bus, the bully at work, the life and soul of the party who takes the joke too far. He is 15. The reality is he will end up in a lot more trouble than OP's sister being cross with him if he can't cope better than hitting people.

Niece sounds awful. He was working hard on a drawing and she ruined it deliberately. He walked away exercising self restraint, which is a difficult thing to do. She followed him and made fun of his emotions.

Clearly he was completely wrong to hit/shove her but I'd have wanted to do it myself. Obviously I would never.

As someone with ADHD who sometimes struggles with managing emotions and impulsivity, and as someone who draws a lot.... I'm sympathetic.

I also have a son with anger management issues and it's extremely hard.

I can of course understand the mother being upset.

No, @Hoardasurass said ‘he really could have killed her’ and then went on to explain that this was because males punch harder and females skulls fracture more easily.

I am simply saying that he neither punched her nor hit her in the head so it’s unlikely that he ‘really could have killed her’ . Especially as what he actually did was shove/hit her in the shoulder.

Don't disagree with this. It's partly why I'm working so hard to help my son with his anger (he's younger). There will be worse situations and unpredictable people out there.

Don't know when to stop? 🤣 I've only addressed you twice. Stop being such a victim. Nobody cares if you've got a mardy on.

He absolutely shouldn't have hit her, regardless of how wound up he was. But I don't understand how your sister can completely ignore what happened immediately beforehand. A 10-year-old repeatedly demanding to see something after being told no, taking his sketchbook, following him when he'd walked away and then taunting him is not exactly innocent behaviour. You were also repeatedly telling her to leave him alone.
Calling him a ‘violent man’, threatening police/social services and saying he should be in care after one incident sounds hugely disproportionate, especially given his history and the fact he's already getting support. He needs to take responsibility for hitting her, but she's also old enough to learn that deliberately provoking someone and ignoring their boundaries has consequences. Both children need to be spoken to, not one child being painted as the sole villain.

I take accountability for my behaviour when it crosses the line even though its due to my trauma.

I'm guessing you're not a child though?