To think Dsis is overeacting after SS hit niece?

[PapaSteel]

I've been with my partner for 8 years and we have dc together, he has a son from his previous relationship. He's 15 and not his bio son but he's been in his life since he was young and he sees him as his dad

Alot happened when we got together as his ex would tell SS that DP didn't want to see him anymore now he was dating me which wasn't true at all. She was physically & verbally abusive towards him and he's been living with us since he was 13 (after he told school about howHe has a lot of trauma and anger which school are supportive about and outside of school he gets help on how to manage the anger and he is a lot better than he was but the anger is still there so we are just patient with him

We're currently on holiday with my sister and her 2 dc and have been here since Monday. There was issues almost straight away as ss got angry at the claw machine but he and dp left the arcade and went for a walk to calm down as the arcade was busy so there was no way he'd have been able to calm down whilst in the arcade. My sister described him as a tantrumming toddler who didn't get his own way and said partner wasn't doing him any favours. I ignored her

He loves drawing and usually if you ask he will show what he's drawing but earlier he was at the table drawing and my niece (10) kept asking what he was drawing. He told her but she kept saying “show me show me” despite him saying no, she pulled his sketch book away from him which caused him to shout at her and she “accidentally” spilt her water on it. He was clearly very angry/upset and walked off to go to his room and she followed him and called him a baby, asked if he was going to cry etc, and he turned round and hit her and now he's being made out to be the bad guy

During this my sister was out with her other dc, my dp was in the shower and I was telling her multiple times to leave him alone and do something else even when she was repeatedly telling him to show her his drawing and she ignored me

My sister is now back and furious, she said she doesn't want her children to share a space with a “violent man”, and has even mentioned going to the police and social services on us if we're happy to have him around our children as he's not related to us when asked where he should go she just replied care

AIBU to think she's overreacting? I know SS shouldn't have hit her and he knows this too but she hasn't apologised for her part in deliberatly winding him up and sister says she doesn't need to as she's a child and he's nearly an adult

I agree. It's a shame that the question needs to be asked at all. As parents we should surely all agree that both children acted in a way that isn't age appropriate and both children need support to change their behaviour.

I haven't said she deserved it at all. I have said her behaviour shouldn't be ignored or justified, in the same way the girl in your sons example shouldn't be.

I'd hope they'd default to that but if they were upset and wanted to talk then I'd be happy to try and explain.

Younger than 15. Maybe 12 or 13.

Horrifying the words they pick up. He's not heard that in my household.

So what should I have done, told my son that he should apologise but so should she?

No way. His behaviour was inexcusable. As was OP's DSS.

I was taller than my mother when I was 10 and a little bit taller than the 14/15 yr old boy who hit me because I tried to phone for help when he assaulted a boy who had (according to my attacker) been assaulting him. (Both boys came running into my room. The one who was the 'victim' and hit me was at the back.)

My being taller than a 15 yr old male made not one whit of difference. A teenage boy tends to be stronger than even a grown woman.

As a teacher, I sometimes had to break up fights/stop assaults (usually in a playground or corridor). By the time boys are 14, it's often impossible for a woman to restrain them.

I agree. But I am the parent of a boy. Primary school age girls were a bloody nightmare. They are often much sharper witted with language so can argue the toss about anything. At my son's primary school I think most of the mums thought their DD's shat diamonds. I was the strictest mum in the playground. I did get apologies over time, as people realised they had perhaps got lucky with child 1, but child 2 was very different.
@opi think your SS still needs help. It is lovely that his stepdad and you care so much to support him. My son, when younger, would also revert to lashing out; there were a lot of problems in the family at the time and he literally had no other way to express it, ie the trauma. He is now a young adult and doing amazingly, but i do still wonder what the long-term consequences will be. .

@lifeturnsonadimei think you should have had your own child's back tbh. Yes, that's an awful word, but you absolutely should care what the girl did to him too. And you should have expected an apology from the girl if she was the instigator. Let the other mum advocate for her child - you advocate for yours. In private you can tear a strip off him for using that word, but you should care what led up to it!

bollocks to that - she shouldn't have been hit. But the girl was being an utter brat.

You should have nipped that in the bud way earlier (by taking him away from the situation)

Errr, what has trans to do with anything?

A violent male is a violent male whatever his gender identity.

No.

The word cunt is misogynistic. There is nothing she could have said that warranted that.

Honestly. I despair.

No wonder we have the manosphere.

Sure, the niece can be told off, but it doesn't mean the sister isn't totally reasonable for being absolutely furious that a 15 yo boy hit her 10 yo girl.

A pet shouldn't bite people. However, if you know the dog has been abused and is reactive then you're stupid to poke it.

You are making alot of excuses for a 15yr old boy hitting a 10yr girl. He is old enough to know better, full stop, no excuses!

This all really began with your sisters unkind comment about your stepson being a tantrumming toddler, and about your partner not helping. She knows his background yet displayed a lack of empathy or kindness which no doubt reflects the way raises her kids, hence your niece taunting your stepson. Your stepson was at fault for lashing out. His anger is a serious problem, but at least you are trying to work with him to help him be a better person. Your niece isn't really to blame for how she is being raised and hopefully she will learn empathy outside the home as she gets older.

The ‘someone else’s mess’ you refer to is a traumatised child. You should be ashamed.

He is obviously so terrifying that a 10 year old who has presumably known him for several years and spent time with him on numerous occasions felt no trepidation in taking his belongings, damaging them without apologising and then following him out of the room to further taunt him and laugh at his distress.

Yes, given the abuse he has suffered he might end up the criminal justice system. He might end up with life long mental health difficulties. He might be violent. However, if he continues to be loved and cared for, given the right support and kept away from people like you and the OP’s sister, he might just manage to break the cycle and grow up to be a decent young man.

That what it means to step up.

No one has won here. Your sister has been cruel in what she’s said and that probably says a lot about her, how she feels about your step son and how she perceives his place in your family. That’s all quite a big problem that you probably can’t ignore.

The 10 year old sounds as though she has behaved quite manipulatively and not respected anyone’s boundaries - yours or his.

Your step son did the right thing in walking away but absolutely, absolutely should not and cannot hit anyone. Moral reasons aside, he could get in an awful lot of trouble now with the police. Is the support he’s getting having any impact? Is he neurodivergent? These are all rhetorical, but he sounds very much as though he doesn’t have a consistent handle on his reactions.

Saying all that, you sound as though you have been dismissive and made excuses for his behaviour and so I understand your sister’s fury and desire to protect her children. If I were her I would absolutely have left the holiday by now. If he’s reactive then no one adult should ideally be in charge of him and all the other children - that’s a daft ratio that clearly hasn’t worked, especially if you have a baby to feed. The right things to do would probably be for his dad to take him home or at the very least focus enormously on keeping him occupied away from the girl he hit.

OP states in the first post that he has been abused.

He is emotionally unstable but I understand why.
I don’t think that it was tit for tat. He’s a young man
physically at 15, he can’t socialise with cousins if he cannot regulate his temper.

I think this could be something you and your family can learn from going forward. If you couldnt remove her, you need to have a plan on how to keep him calm or get him to remove himself from the situation. Maybe it's something therapy can teach you as a family. No matter how at fault the other person is for riling someone up, as soon as there's violence, the violent person will always be the worst in that situation! Your niece is not without fault and your sister is wrong for not explaining to her why she needs to apologise.