To think Dsis is overeacting after SS hit niece?

[PapaSteel]

I've been with my partner for 8 years and we have dc together, he has a son from his previous relationship. He's 15 and not his bio son but he's been in his life since he was young and he sees him as his dad

Alot happened when we got together as his ex would tell SS that DP didn't want to see him anymore now he was dating me which wasn't true at all. She was physically & verbally abusive towards him and he's been living with us since he was 13 (after he told school about howHe has a lot of trauma and anger which school are supportive about and outside of school he gets help on how to manage the anger and he is a lot better than he was but the anger is still there so we are just patient with him

We're currently on holiday with my sister and her 2 dc and have been here since Monday. There was issues almost straight away as ss got angry at the claw machine but he and dp left the arcade and went for a walk to calm down as the arcade was busy so there was no way he'd have been able to calm down whilst in the arcade. My sister described him as a tantrumming toddler who didn't get his own way and said partner wasn't doing him any favours. I ignored her

He loves drawing and usually if you ask he will show what he's drawing but earlier he was at the table drawing and my niece (10) kept asking what he was drawing. He told her but she kept saying “show me show me” despite him saying no, she pulled his sketch book away from him which caused him to shout at her and she “accidentally” spilt her water on it. He was clearly very angry/upset and walked off to go to his room and she followed him and called him a baby, asked if he was going to cry etc, and he turned round and hit her and now he's being made out to be the bad guy

During this my sister was out with her other dc, my dp was in the shower and I was telling her multiple times to leave him alone and do something else even when she was repeatedly telling him to show her his drawing and she ignored me

My sister is now back and furious, she said she doesn't want her children to share a space with a “violent man”, and has even mentioned going to the police and social services on us if we're happy to have him around our children as he's not related to us when asked where he should go she just replied care

AIBU to think she's overreacting? I know SS shouldn't have hit her and he knows this too but she hasn't apologised for her part in deliberatly winding him up and sister says she doesn't need to as she's a child and he's nearly an adult

Good.

it’ll save them from a few bruises.

No I don't think it is ok for anyone to be emotionally abusive.

But I don't think this 10 year old girl was being emotionally abusive. She was being an annoying 10 year old.

And even if she was being emotionally abusive, she didn't deserve to be hit for it by a boy 5 years older than her.

I am astonished by some of the responses on this thread.

The questions about what if he did this to a girl who rejected him make even less sense. He wanted to get away from her!

Absolutely, he was angry over an inanimate object at the amusement arcade.

Especially when you add to that the lose of temper over a claw machine not giving him the toy he wanted

It sounds like his preferred reaction is walking away. I don't think that there are many teenage girls that would follow him and continue saying mean things after a rejection.

Clearly we have different expectations of how 10 year olds should behave!

I think that mine would be more likely to freeze up and burst into tears if treated like this by that 10 year old.

I'd be keeping them away because I wouldn't want them to be influenced by that sort of behaviour, more so as witnesses if anything.

Admittedly mine are younger. At 15 I like to think I'd be able to explain that she's a little psycho who just wants a reaction so be the bigger person and ignore her.

I can’t believe that some people have reduced this post to ‘Do you think it’s okay to be emotionally abusive?’ Lol.

Well, seeing as you seem to think that the poor little 15 year old boy needs protecting from the annoying, big, bad 10 year old girl, you’ll have to forgive me for not taking your word on the possible reactions of your children

Oh, add psycho to the list of names

It's doesn't sound like he is getting any support her original post states they're "just patient with him". Patience isn't going to improve anything it's just showing him that it's ok for him to be angry and lash out because they're going to wait for him to grow out of it

So what happens when some kid at school/wherever acts like a dick (as some nasty kids unfortunately do!) and says something really triggering; perhaps about his mum as unfortunately that’s a common insult etc.
If he can’t stop himself being wound up by a 10 year old girl being a brat, without resorting to wacking her, what would he do when really really emotionally triggered?

OP, are you at that point still going to stand there making excuses for his reactive behaviour? Because the police won’t buy into that and he will find himself in a lot of trouble.

Now is the time to tackle this before it gets worse, yes therapy is great but your reaction too holds tremendous weight.
stop making excuses, yes he has had a shit time, it doesn’t make his reactions ok.
Yes, she was being a brat, he tried to walk away etc, but bottom line is- she is a much younger child.
It’s great that you love him so much; and you sound extremely supportive but sometimes that clouds judgment.
Step up, discipline him in some way instead of essentially permissively bleating ‘it’s her fault she made him do it’ etc etc. It’s not sending him the right message at all.

A 15 yr old boy hitting a 10yr old girl is never ok. Your sister is not over reacting.
You watched it all happening, but chose not to intervene. If the boy has issues then it's on you to step in before he reacts if you're responsible for him whilst around your young niece.

I'm sort of struggling to understand why you couldn't stop the 10 year old, OP. Generally with children of that age, if you speak in a strong enough tone that. makes it very clear they have no choice but to obey, they do it.

Her behaviour clearly wasn't great but it doesn't mean she deserved to be hit by a boy 5 years older than her!

His behaviour should not be minimised because she was being provocative!

He was violent towards her. She didn't 'deserve it'.

The OP shouldn't be expecting an apology and saying she was 'just as bad'. She should say that it is never OK to be violent.

I feel sorry for her DSS as he is not being taught what is and what is not appropriate behaviour because OP is minimising his behaviour.

My son once called a girl a cunt when she was being rude to him. I was told by the leader of the drama group that they both went to. He said to me that she was being awful to him. He has NEVER done that again. I didn't care what she said to him, she didn't 'deserve it'. I made him phone her mother to apologise for his behaviour. I didn't expect her to apologise that her daughter had goaded him.

He is now a very well balanced, respectful of women , adult.

You keep saying he’s getting help for ‘anger issues’ but you are failing to realise that in the meantime other people and especially children are exposed to these anger issues. Your sister, rightly, is trying to protect her own child and even without the actual assault of her daughter, she has witnessed, or knows about your SS’s violent temper. This is making her uncomfortable. Put yourself in her shoes and try to be more understanding.
At the very least, your SS needs to be very closely monitored by your husband for the rest of the holiday, but in reality this type of holiday might not be best going forward until his issues are more under control.
It’s not fair on him or the others whose holiday he is making uncomfortable.