To think Dsis is overeacting after SS hit niece?

[PapaSteel]

I've been with my partner for 8 years and we have dc together, he has a son from his previous relationship. He's 15 and not his bio son but he's been in his life since he was young and he sees him as his dad

Alot happened when we got together as his ex would tell SS that DP didn't want to see him anymore now he was dating me which wasn't true at all. She was physically & verbally abusive towards him and he's been living with us since he was 13 (after he told school about howHe has a lot of trauma and anger which school are supportive about and outside of school he gets help on how to manage the anger and he is a lot better than he was but the anger is still there so we are just patient with him

We're currently on holiday with my sister and her 2 dc and have been here since Monday. There was issues almost straight away as ss got angry at the claw machine but he and dp left the arcade and went for a walk to calm down as the arcade was busy so there was no way he'd have been able to calm down whilst in the arcade. My sister described him as a tantrumming toddler who didn't get his own way and said partner wasn't doing him any favours. I ignored her

He loves drawing and usually if you ask he will show what he's drawing but earlier he was at the table drawing and my niece (10) kept asking what he was drawing. He told her but she kept saying “show me show me” despite him saying no, she pulled his sketch book away from him which caused him to shout at her and she “accidentally” spilt her water on it. He was clearly very angry/upset and walked off to go to his room and she followed him and called him a baby, asked if he was going to cry etc, and he turned round and hit her and now he's being made out to be the bad guy

During this my sister was out with her other dc, my dp was in the shower and I was telling her multiple times to leave him alone and do something else even when she was repeatedly telling him to show her his drawing and she ignored me

My sister is now back and furious, she said she doesn't want her children to share a space with a “violent man”, and has even mentioned going to the police and social services on us if we're happy to have him around our children as he's not related to us when asked where he should go she just replied care

AIBU to think she's overreacting? I know SS shouldn't have hit her and he knows this too but she hasn't apologised for her part in deliberatly winding him up and sister says she doesn't need to as she's a child and he's nearly an adult

That is the most alarming thing of all, isn't it.

Happy to be provided a list of all the names he’s been called.

won’t hold my breath that it’ll be as long as hers though.

I wonder if all those insisting the girl was asking for it by winding him up and see no difference between a 15 yo boy hitting a 10 year old girl and the same type of people insisting you can’t argue with biology and that’s why we should exclude trans kids from everything.

He shouldn’t have hit her, but the situation also should have been managed better. It must have been obvious this was becoming a problem much earlier on and an adult should have stepped in. He needs to get more help for his issues, and although she isn’t due an apology, she needs to learn about people’s boundaries.

I know you're getting a lot of people going on about your SS having anger issues etc, and I'll probably get flamed for my perspective but goddamn is your niece a pain in the butt. Yes, he shouldn't have hit her- you've said it multiple times, you've said he knows this, we've all read it. He shouldn't have hit her. But it sounds like he was really trying to do the right thing by moving himself out of the situation and she was provoking him for a reaction.

If people are saying he is old enough to know better, than so is she. She's moving up to secondary and if she doesn't learn this fast she's going to be in a lot of fights.

Clearly everyone knows he has anger issues because of trauma due to his upbringing- it sounds like your sister in law knows this only too well and so does her child, which i assume is why she was goading him.

Apart from the hitting, I'd sat he had a appropriate reaction to someone destroying his artwork- I'm an arty person too, it's probably his escape and his peace.

I don't think it's as comparable to domestic violence anyway. When you're an adult you've got more ability to walk and away and keep away from people that upset you.

I think OP is so busy caring for the troubled boy they’ve essentially adopted that she can no longer see that he is the bigger stronger person in this situation. I was hanging out with a friend’s ten year old girl the other day, she has scented felt tips and does hand stands. If a 15 year old boy hit her I’d be calling the police and I wouldn’t give two hoots about his background because many people have troubled backgrounds but they don’t all turn to violence. Yes, even if she’d called him a crybaby and spoilt his drawing fgs.

A consideration about such things crossed my mind earlier. But then I got a headache so brought it to an end, not worth it. Takes up too much space already.

There is an enormous difference between even a man and woman of 5’5 in terms of strength. A teenage boy of that size is many times stronger than her.

By 15, boys are usually mid–late puberty, with rapidly increasing lean muscle mass and strength. Girls at 10 are generally pre‑pubertal, with much lower muscle mass and no testosterone‑driven strength gains yet.

Upper‑body strength: boys are ~50% stronger than girls by ages 14–17, but only ~17% stronger at ages 5–10.

A 15‑year‑old boy vs a 10‑year‑old girl spans both categories, so the gap is much larger — typically about 2×. Thats 200% stronger than her.

Well, from the sounds of it the girls mum has taken this very seriously, and will hopefully keep her daughter well away from him in the future.

I know that if this happened to either of mine, they wouldn’t be sharing breathing space with him again.

Exactly. I don’t know why people just can’t accept that two things can be true! The nieces alleged behaviour was dreadful and the 15YO should not be hitting her. One doesn’t cancel out the other ffs.

It's probably only a matter of time before she tries out this behaviour on someone else though.

So because he was abused by his mum you think his cousin should apologise to him after he abused her?

Well you'd hope not. If that's the sort of behaviour your daughter's indulge on I should think everyone would keep their children away.

I have a 16 year old who is around the same height and he absolutely is strong enough to hurt someone if he wanted to. He had no place hitting a 10 year old simply for annoying him. My 10year old is annoying at times and my son wouldn't dare to hit her for her annoying ways, he might shout at her or tell her to leave him alone but he knows not to hit a much smaller child. Your stepson needs to be taught that violence isn't the answer. Your sister definitely isn't overreacting in being pissed off that a much older and bigger boy has hit her child

At 5' 5" he is already taller than me - a fully grown adult woman
I doubt the 10 year old child is taller than me, indeed I would be almost surprised if she is over 5' yet.

I am aware of that. But I am asking about the emotional abuse? Do you (and other posters) think it is ok? Because you all seem to avoid answering the question so presumably you think it is ok for a spouse (male or female) to be emotionally abusive. I am shocked that so many posters claiming to care about women's safety, are minimising emotional abuse. Two actions can be wrong at the same time.

Yes, i’m sure a 10 year old child will soon be on the wind up.

its a lot more common than 15 year old boys that are happy to hit young girls, thankfully.

Yup, what she said

Agree I'd be keeping my kids away from someone that behaved like her.

'My niece was with us at our caravan '

This must be some huge caravan as earlier you said you were the other side of the room...

The reactive abuse comment was made by me, in response to a poster comparing this to a husband and wife. We were specifically discussing a husband and wife.