To think Dsis is overeacting after SS hit niece?

[PapaSteel]

I've been with my partner for 8 years and we have dc together, he has a son from his previous relationship. He's 15 and not his bio son but he's been in his life since he was young and he sees him as his dad

Alot happened when we got together as his ex would tell SS that DP didn't want to see him anymore now he was dating me which wasn't true at all. She was physically & verbally abusive towards him and he's been living with us since he was 13 (after he told school about howHe has a lot of trauma and anger which school are supportive about and outside of school he gets help on how to manage the anger and he is a lot better than he was but the anger is still there so we are just patient with him

We're currently on holiday with my sister and her 2 dc and have been here since Monday. There was issues almost straight away as ss got angry at the claw machine but he and dp left the arcade and went for a walk to calm down as the arcade was busy so there was no way he'd have been able to calm down whilst in the arcade. My sister described him as a tantrumming toddler who didn't get his own way and said partner wasn't doing him any favours. I ignored her

He loves drawing and usually if you ask he will show what he's drawing but earlier he was at the table drawing and my niece (10) kept asking what he was drawing. He told her but she kept saying “show me show me” despite him saying no, she pulled his sketch book away from him which caused him to shout at her and she “accidentally” spilt her water on it. He was clearly very angry/upset and walked off to go to his room and she followed him and called him a baby, asked if he was going to cry etc, and he turned round and hit her and now he's being made out to be the bad guy

During this my sister was out with her other dc, my dp was in the shower and I was telling her multiple times to leave him alone and do something else even when she was repeatedly telling him to show her his drawing and she ignored me

My sister is now back and furious, she said she doesn't want her children to share a space with a “violent man”, and has even mentioned going to the police and social services on us if we're happy to have him around our children as he's not related to us when asked where he should go she just replied care

AIBU to think she's overreacting? I know SS shouldn't have hit her and he knows this too but she hasn't apologised for her part in deliberatly winding him up and sister says she doesn't need to as she's a child and he's nearly an adult

I have a similar age gap between my son and my niece (albeit they are younger) and if he hit her it would be him I was furious at. There is no excuse. I think you have your priorities wrong op

When you say he “hit” her, can you describe what you mean OP?

Do you mean he shoved her? Slapped her face? Punched her in the arm? What?

You know that it’s not OK that he raised a hand to a 10 yr old. No one is condoning that.

But it’s not unusual for cousins, siblings etc to scrap physically a bit sometimes so being more specific about what he did would make it easier to judge. If he just shoved her shoulder or similar, I’m not too sure I’d be massively upset (given her behaviour) but if he slapped her around the face or punched her, I’d be horrified.

Also worth pointing out that as boys go through puberty, it’s not about their size. DS is still shorter than me and he’s a skinny little thing….but suddenly he’s much stronger than I am. He doesn’t do sport or go to the gym - but he’s 16. Puberty provides boys with much greater strength than girls, even the boys that are small in stature. That’s why your comment about his size has been criticised. He will be hugely more powerful than her and could easily do real harm.

Everyone has their limits and he was clearly being provoked beyond his. Given you know he has anger issues that he’s in treatment for, you needed to step in. Are you suggesting that your niece would have ignored you if you’d stopped her going after him?

Being a wind up isn't illegal.

When he ends up in prison he'll learn the hard way.

Yes, I'm awful for calling out clearly woeful parenting.

Problem is this lad is likely to meet other people adults and children who just won’t bloody quit it. He can’t go lumping them all.

Someone one day bigger and stronger will hit him, or he will end up with charges or both.

Incredible. She is not equally in the wrong.
So when he hits his partner or child because they "wound him up" i guess you'll defend that too.
This is how men become abusers because theyre told its ok.
Your sister is completely correct.
Go home. I wouldn't want to be round him either.

You are deluding yourself if you think that they are not terrified of him.

Your neice sounds awful.

Of course you ss shouldn't have hit her, but rules for life are he is almost adult sized and hitting anyone is wrong, hitting someone smaller than you even more so. He has to learn this really fast before any other issues.

I would try and smooth it over with sister by apologising, checking on neice and assuring her you are addressing step sons behaviour.

Going forward i would not have neice and ss together for his own sake as well as hers. I would try to have a relationship with my sister without the kids (if you want). Maybe once neice able to behave and ss can control himself it can change again in a few years.

'little madam' was asking for it, wasn't she?

This is utter misogyny. Berating the victim rather than the perpetrator of violence.

No. Pick a different holiday. You weren't in a position to go on holiday with your sister this year. It's not rocket science.

I'd say the same thing about a boy. They goaded for a reaction and got exactly what they wanted.

Fine. Let her carrying on behaving like that.
Don't blame me when she ends up in hospital or worse.
Actions have consequences.

Why didn’t you stop feeding the baby, walk across the room and intervene properly rather than from across the room?

Your niece sounds like a brat and I would suspect has overheard adult conversations which means she thinks goading this young man to get a reaction will cause a drama.

If that is the case, regardless, violence is not the answer. Ever. You do not put your hands on another person. Once you get physical you’ve lost the argument.

I'd rather have a shove in the shoulder than someone taunting me, calling me names and damaging my things. People are lacking in critical thinking skills. Touching someone crosses the line in to a criminal act, some are unable to think critically beyond the law to realise that there are things worse than violence.

Your niece and sister are clearly in the wrong but the niece's behaviour doesn't justify your step son hitting her. If this happened at school or out in public, he could be expelled or arrested. I know you feel he is working on his anger issues, and it's great that you are supportive but an apology isn't really sufficient. He must understand that he has to implement the strategies he has been given, come what may. Your sister isnt helping matters and her child needs to also know that she was out of order, but unfortunately you are unlikely to persuade her to change her view. Hopefully she will calm down later and not report to social services.

Absolutely this.
Victim blaming is rife. Am horrified. Let's teach this man child that DA is just fine as long as hes "provoked". Poor little boy child. Can't control himself. Hit the little madam because she deserved it. Shocking.

Are you actually asking if it is ok for a 15 year old boy (who could be as big as a man) to hit a 10 year old girl!?!

He’s a violent thug - angry at a claw machine and angry that a child wants to look at his drawings. Primary school children can be annoying, but that’s not an excuse for a nearly grown man to punch little girls. If I was OP’s sister I’d go no contact to protect my little girl.

Absolutely unacceptable. No the 10 year old girl is not "equally" to blame and having anger issues is not a sufficient mitigation. No wonder we have such issues with gender based violence.

Did he hit her in the face or head? Did it leave a mark and is your niece OK now?

She didnt deserve to be hit. But her behaviour was not acceptable. I expect my child would want to apologise. But this girl doesnt sound like mine.

Once someone hits someone else that will always become the focus (as it should). So I suppose I agree neice shouldnt be made to apologise.Unless it is because she recognises her incorrect behaviour an apology is meaningless anyway.

Wow just stop now its embarrassing.
Are you a man??

So she'll deserve it?

And we wonder how/ why 2 women are killed by their partners/former partners each week in the UK.