To think Dsis is overeacting after SS hit niece?

[PapaSteel]

I've been with my partner for 8 years and we have dc together, he has a son from his previous relationship. He's 15 and not his bio son but he's been in his life since he was young and he sees him as his dad

Alot happened when we got together as his ex would tell SS that DP didn't want to see him anymore now he was dating me which wasn't true at all. She was physically & verbally abusive towards him and he's been living with us since he was 13 (after he told school about howHe has a lot of trauma and anger which school are supportive about and outside of school he gets help on how to manage the anger and he is a lot better than he was but the anger is still there so we are just patient with him

We're currently on holiday with my sister and her 2 dc and have been here since Monday. There was issues almost straight away as ss got angry at the claw machine but he and dp left the arcade and went for a walk to calm down as the arcade was busy so there was no way he'd have been able to calm down whilst in the arcade. My sister described him as a tantrumming toddler who didn't get his own way and said partner wasn't doing him any favours. I ignored her

He loves drawing and usually if you ask he will show what he's drawing but earlier he was at the table drawing and my niece (10) kept asking what he was drawing. He told her but she kept saying “show me show me” despite him saying no, she pulled his sketch book away from him which caused him to shout at her and she “accidentally” spilt her water on it. He was clearly very angry/upset and walked off to go to his room and she followed him and called him a baby, asked if he was going to cry etc, and he turned round and hit her and now he's being made out to be the bad guy

During this my sister was out with her other dc, my dp was in the shower and I was telling her multiple times to leave him alone and do something else even when she was repeatedly telling him to show her his drawing and she ignored me

My sister is now back and furious, she said she doesn't want her children to share a space with a “violent man”, and has even mentioned going to the police and social services on us if we're happy to have him around our children as he's not related to us when asked where he should go she just replied care

AIBU to think she's overreacting? I know SS shouldn't have hit her and he knows this too but she hasn't apologised for her part in deliberatly winding him up and sister says she doesn't need to as she's a child and he's nearly an adult

He as a 15 year old should have been able to control himself enough to not physically lash out a much younger child though. Her behaviour was bad, but she is 5 years younger than him and in primary school.

It’s concerning that OP is minimising this massively when he will be an adult in a few years time, and it’s not always going to be possible for him to run away or be left alone when people are making him angry.

It's completely inappropriate to take a troubled teen with anger issues on holiday with other younger kids. This is not the right environment for any of them. You are failing all of these kids.

What would you prefer? Mean girl? Miserable bully?

Firstly, tell your sister if she doesn't inter intervene on her deviant child's harassing of your SS, her bullying, her inappropriate thieving of other people's possessions when they put boundaries in place -you- will report her to social services. You will report her because you feel she is neglectful of her child's disturbing behaviour when she crosses boundaries and puts herself in danger. That you are concerned your sister is failing to supervise and guard her.

2nd, what will you do when SS is an adult and a partner upsets him, he then hits them? This would be classed as DV. He needs some firm consequences, but he also needs a lot of compassion, understanding, and he 100% needs anger management. You would do him a disservice to not get him professional help. Do it now before it's too late.

Additionally, cut off your sister and her little cow of a child. She's just another mother too spineless to take responsibility of her child's behaviour, and you don't need that kind of toxicity when all of your energy needs to go on you and your SS.

He lives with us. Where was he supposed to go? Into care like my sister said?

SS needs to learn sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me. You can't react to people talking shit. Your certainly can't put your hands on people.

You are trying to justify the unjustifiable. SS 15 put his hands on a little girl.

words will never hurt me

Except, of course, they do. Which is why they can be both criminalised under the law and constitute abuse.

You could teach this on DV courses...being "got at" as an excuse for violence

Because of "femininely" (sic) ways 🤦‍♀️

Her sister wasn't even there. @PapaSteel was. Instead of oh stop, dont do that, leave him alone @PapaSteel should have intervened before it escalated. Instead she watched it all unfold and did nothing. Now shes trying to blame a 10 year old for running their mouth for a 15 year old hitting them.

Yes I absolutely think she should apologise. She behaved appallingly.

Maybe this will teach the girl that actions have consequences. This was just a boy that she was tormenting. Another time it might be someone adult, much bigger and stronger. Not only that, she totally disrespected him by pouring water on his drawing. And her mother is a failure as a mother. She needs to teach the girl how to behave.

We only have OP’s word that the water was an ‘accident’, and you’ll have to forgive me for not seeing her as a reliable narrator.

I don't think this is something that will teach this girl a lesson because I think she got exactly what she wanted out of this incident.

I think you're getting a hard time, OP. You are clearly trying to do the right thing by this traumatised young man who equally clearly is struggling to handle his emotions at the moment. Violence is never the answer, and he does need help to learn to manage his emotions, otherwise he could end up in a lot of trouble. But by the sounds of it, there are good reasons why he's struggling at the moment. Maternal abuse/abandonment causes a lot of damage and if he's been hit himself (I don't know if he has been) then that will have normalised that behaviour to him.

But also, your niece shouldn't have wound him up like that. Of course he shouldn't have hit her, but she doesn't deserve to get off scot-free because she's not an innocent party in this. Her mother needs to have stern words with her about respecting other people's boundaries. If you follow people around, harrassing them, then yes you will also get yourself into trouble.

OP I'd just go home and let this one blow over.

Why did your sister think it was OK to dump her DD on you, leaving you feeding your baby, five children in a caravan. DH should have been present.

That was what I was thinking. But ops children are not scared of him and living on egg shells just perfect and will never ever do something even by accident to trigger him.

Like maybe beating him at his favourite game, taking the last ice cream, singing too loud or badly. Maybe accidentally genuinely accidentally spilling or damaging something of his.

Ops so sure of it all.

My children can argue someone’s breathing too close to them so 🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

What about the baby? If the baby is crying and being annoying, will it justify the 15yo pummelling them?

Point is he needs to tolerate little kids being annoying.

I'm not sure you are up to the task of managing difficult behaviour in kids. Which is okay but you need to get help with it. All the children in the room witnessed his violence. I wonder how they all felt. Were they frightened? And are they now frightened of this older kid?

You need someone to come in and observe the family dynamics and help you as a family to manage this behaviour.

OP I think perhaps knowing the 15yos difficult start has clouded your judgement slightly and you're giving him some free passes. You clearly feel sorry for him but you also need to look at the bigger picture which is you are preparing him for life in the big world. If your colleague is winding you up and you clumped them you'd be arrested.

Lots of playing out totally inadequacy to control their emotions on here and blaming someone else for YOUR violence

The name calling of a ten year old says everything about possessive sexist attitudes too. The 15 year old had earlier had to be restrained from an arcade machine...here is your pattern if behaviour...the rest a ridiculous distraction from inaction and poor supervision

Teaching the little madam that it is okay to keep provoking until somebody reacts?

I'm not blaming her for being hit but she's not completely at fault. She wasn't just being annoying and even if she were she should have stopped when I told her and when he told her to and when ss walked off.

I've already said he was at fault for hitting her butposters on here are making out as if he walked up to her and hit her for no reason whatsoever