To think Dsis is overeacting after SS hit niece?

[PapaSteel]

I've been with my partner for 8 years and we have dc together, he has a son from his previous relationship. He's 15 and not his bio son but he's been in his life since he was young and he sees him as his dad

Alot happened when we got together as his ex would tell SS that DP didn't want to see him anymore now he was dating me which wasn't true at all. She was physically & verbally abusive towards him and he's been living with us since he was 13 (after he told school about howHe has a lot of trauma and anger which school are supportive about and outside of school he gets help on how to manage the anger and he is a lot better than he was but the anger is still there so we are just patient with him

We're currently on holiday with my sister and her 2 dc and have been here since Monday. There was issues almost straight away as ss got angry at the claw machine but he and dp left the arcade and went for a walk to calm down as the arcade was busy so there was no way he'd have been able to calm down whilst in the arcade. My sister described him as a tantrumming toddler who didn't get his own way and said partner wasn't doing him any favours. I ignored her

He loves drawing and usually if you ask he will show what he's drawing but earlier he was at the table drawing and my niece (10) kept asking what he was drawing. He told her but she kept saying “show me show me” despite him saying no, she pulled his sketch book away from him which caused him to shout at her and she “accidentally” spilt her water on it. He was clearly very angry/upset and walked off to go to his room and she followed him and called him a baby, asked if he was going to cry etc, and he turned round and hit her and now he's being made out to be the bad guy

During this my sister was out with her other dc, my dp was in the shower and I was telling her multiple times to leave him alone and do something else even when she was repeatedly telling him to show her his drawing and she ignored me

My sister is now back and furious, she said she doesn't want her children to share a space with a “violent man”, and has even mentioned going to the police and social services on us if we're happy to have him around our children as he's not related to us when asked where he should go she just replied care

AIBU to think she's overreacting? I know SS shouldn't have hit her and he knows this too but she hasn't apologised for her part in deliberatly winding him up and sister says she doesn't need to as she's a child and he's nearly an adult

I think @Crazybigtoe has it right. A ten (nearly 11) year old can spot when someone is different or vulnerable. Presumably this girl knows that her step cousin struggles with emotional regulation and possibly some of the reasons why.

She was repeatedly told by her aunt to stop/leave him alone. A typically developing 10 year should not have to be physically restrained/blocked; they should be able to do what they are asked.

To me ‘tormenting’ someone to see how far you can go is pretty cruel and shows an unusual lack of empathy and compassion. I would be ashamed if either of my children behaved like that (and I honestly can’t imagine a situation in which they would)

10 year olds are in general very annoying, but we don’t hit them, would he have hit an older child annoying him? Probably not because they would have been stronger than him. Boys from age 15 onwards are far stronger than girls, so you’re assumption that he couldn’t hurt her because he is only 5ft5 is extremely wrong.

Why is he so angry all of the time, 15 year olds getting angry at claw machines isn’t really normal? Is he okay ? My now 20 year old would have been a bit like this and she’s diagnosed ASD

You are truly awful.

My children are fine and don't tiptoe around him. They get on we'll but know to respect other peoples belongings and not to destroy them and to leave people alone if they take themselves away to calm down.

All these people saying that 15 is nearly an adult. It isn't. The human brain doesn't finish maturing until people are in their early to mid twenties. Becoming an adult is a process and 15 is still in the middle of that process. He's 3 years away from being a legal adult - that's a long time in terms of childhood development. It's not like the difference between 42 and 45!

Whilst the little girl’s behaviour wasn’t OK, it really doesn’t excuse such a violent response from your stepson.

She needled him until she got a response. This is what children do and how they learn. Her mum is overreacting.

Sure, but thankfully the law does see a difference between a primary aged child and one who is nearly an adult.
There's a reason criminal culpability doesn't start until you're 10 and a reason boys and girls aren't allowed to do competitive sport together from age 11 - because there is an unfair physical advantage.
Equally, it wouldn't have been appropriate for a 20 year old to clump the 15yo.

Yes, when they're the same age. Not junior school Vs a year 11.

I see you’re getting piled on here OP. No surprises there really.

Just wanted to be a friendly voice in the midst of the vipers. I think you’ve done an amazing thing by giving a loving, stable home to a boy you in theory didn’t have to. That says a lot about you. For those saying you shouldn’t have taken him..yeah, like we all just leave the odd kid out when we go on holiday.

You know your SS was wrong to hit, he knows he was wrong to hit, hence his apology. I also agree your niece should have been made to apologise for doing what she did, while acknowledging that this didn’t give SS the right to hit her.

I hope your SS continues to make progress and that with your help, love and guidance he can overcome the trauma he suffered. All the twats on here would have you casting him aside.

Totally agree. Also to add, significant childhood trauma such as this young man has survived has a significant impact on social and emotional development. The general rule of thumb is to half their chronological age putting him at around 7.5 emotionally.

This is not an excuse for his behaviour, it’s a reason. What is the reason for the niece’s behaviour? I have never seen a typically developing 10 year old behave like that, especially in front of an adult having repeatedly been told not to.

Agreed, but I think it's important to remember that this boy is still a boy and not a fully formed adult man who definitely should be expected to have total control over his actions. He's still a work in progress.

I'm sure she said a caravan. I dread the thought of 5 kids in one room, including a baby, a wind-up merchant and a future crim. Why did she not take them to a bloody park.

Unless he has a severe mental disability I think saying he's the emotional age of a 7 year old is a stretch. A child who has been through lots of trauma and is displaying a lot of anger needs really really firm boundaries especially at 15. The law won't care that he's had a difficult childhood. Prisons are full of people who can't take responsibility for their own behaviour because others have made excuses for them.

It should be mature enough by 15 years old to know you don’t hit primary school aged children because they’re annoying you, he will be 16 soon, many 16 year olds work (I did), they are not small children who can’t control themselves.

OP should be very concerned if he genuinely cannot control his anger this much that he ends up hitting a 10 year old for goading him.

It wouldn't be ok for a 15 year old girl to hit a 10 year old. It's even worse if a boy does it it's even worse.

He will never learn to control himself if his actions (good and bad) don't have appropriate consequences.

Physically he is going to be an absolute world away from a 10 year old female child.

I don't think it's as simple as him lashing out because she was annoying him ; I think it happened because his strategy for getting away failed (due to lack of adult intervention) and he didn't know where to go from there. And the niece kept coming at him.

My children are younger than 10 and already know to respect peoples boundaries or bully other people so this wouldn't have even be something that happened

Well he's apologised for hitting her, she should apologise for being a bitch.

"future crim" - what a foul thing to say about a child who has been through such trauma.