To think Dsis is overeacting after SS hit niece?

[PapaSteel]

I've been with my partner for 8 years and we have dc together, he has a son from his previous relationship. He's 15 and not his bio son but he's been in his life since he was young and he sees him as his dad

Alot happened when we got together as his ex would tell SS that DP didn't want to see him anymore now he was dating me which wasn't true at all. She was physically & verbally abusive towards him and he's been living with us since he was 13 (after he told school about howHe has a lot of trauma and anger which school are supportive about and outside of school he gets help on how to manage the anger and he is a lot better than he was but the anger is still there so we are just patient with him

We're currently on holiday with my sister and her 2 dc and have been here since Monday. There was issues almost straight away as ss got angry at the claw machine but he and dp left the arcade and went for a walk to calm down as the arcade was busy so there was no way he'd have been able to calm down whilst in the arcade. My sister described him as a tantrumming toddler who didn't get his own way and said partner wasn't doing him any favours. I ignored her

He loves drawing and usually if you ask he will show what he's drawing but earlier he was at the table drawing and my niece (10) kept asking what he was drawing. He told her but she kept saying “show me show me” despite him saying no, she pulled his sketch book away from him which caused him to shout at her and she “accidentally” spilt her water on it. He was clearly very angry/upset and walked off to go to his room and she followed him and called him a baby, asked if he was going to cry etc, and he turned round and hit her and now he's being made out to be the bad guy

During this my sister was out with her other dc, my dp was in the shower and I was telling her multiple times to leave him alone and do something else even when she was repeatedly telling him to show her his drawing and she ignored me

My sister is now back and furious, she said she doesn't want her children to share a space with a “violent man”, and has even mentioned going to the police and social services on us if we're happy to have him around our children as he's not related to us when asked where he should go she just replied care

AIBU to think she's overreacting? I know SS shouldn't have hit her and he knows this too but she hasn't apologised for her part in deliberatly winding him up and sister says she doesn't need to as she's a child and he's nearly an adult

Don't forget to tell her if she wears dresses she can expect to be raped too.

If she's going to school and winds up a child her own age I would expect a child her own age to respond, not one several years older.

The 10 year old was very naughty and should have been removed from the situation much earlier, especially with your step son’s anger management problems. He absolutely shouldn’t have retaliated though and you need to come down on him hard. I know he has past trauma but if this is minimised it gives him the green light to punch someone who annoys him again. When he hits his girlfriend, wife or child it will be ok because he was provoked.

Yes, when managing his behaviour everyone needs to be trauma informed and be hugely aware of his past- but part of this is removing the triggers and working with him when he is stressed and angry (like going for a walk when in the arcades). You clearly weren’t able to do this today.

You’re being deliberately vague about what you mean by hit but I’m assuming you don’t mean a shove and that he actually hit her. Not that laying hands on another person in anger is ever acceptable.

What is really worrying is that you’re looking for excuses - there are none. There are reasons but they are for you to deal with to help your DS. Nothing excuses violence. Victim blaming might make you feel better but it’s pretty shitty behaviour.

Your niece is a brat and that needs dealing with by your sister. Your DS list the right to an apology when he assaulted her.

lots of people in life are annoying. We don’t get a free pass to assault them. He may get away with it a few times. Sounds like he may get away with this because you’re determined to minimise. Eventually he’ll assault the wrong person and then he’ll find out the hard way that he can’t go round hitting people. He’ll either get hit back and maybe seriously hurt or end up in prison. You’re doing him no favours at all by downplaying it.

I would want to call the police too if a 15 year old boy hit either of my DDs. They certainly wouldn’t be socialising with him again.
Absolutely disgusting behaviour, he shouldn’t be around younger DC unsupervised again.

Can’t believe the number of people justifying this because the girl was “being annoying”.
To be fair she probably was but also is 10 and behaving like a normal child which is not perfect.
No wonder we have such a problem with VAWG in this country.

In 10 years time OP and her DP will be justifying this boy hitting his girlfriend because “she did xyz” 🙄

It all sounds a bit…. Well, “she deserves a slap but I held back” Sounds a bit “wife beater-ish” to me

Exactly

and I very much doubt it would just be limited to hitting

I might get shit for this but in my experience bullies always seem to know exactly who to target.

OP's excuses so far:

He's had a troubled upbringing
It was the 10 year olds fault for being annoying
He didn't punch her he "only" hit/pushed her
He's apparently not strong enough to hurt her
He apparently wasn't being aggressive when he assaulted her
He didn't shout in her face, he only shouted at her

Anything I've missed?

You are not just part of the problem here OP, you're a huge contributor. I highly recommend you change your ways because very soon he will no longer be a violent 15 year old, he will be a violent man. Very dangerous.

@Duskiestsunset I certainly wouldn’t want her as my 10 year old. Awful behaviour. Her parents should be ashamed of their parenting.

OTT.

For what it's worth this young man will most likely come across other nasty people that will get a kick out of provoking him for a reaction and will need strategies to cope. The walking away was the right thing and he needs to keep up with that as well as learning to tune people like that out when they say deliberately hurtful things.

Stop it! You’re being idiotic now.

Honestly it feels like all the adults in this situation are failing all the kids in this situation. It comes across as they want to be their kids friends rather than their parents. T

How?

Don't be so bloody ridiculous. These situations are not comparable. There's a huge difference between minding your own business, while wearing a dress and deliberately goading/bullying another person.

Nor myself or OP have once suggested it's OK - but thanks for swearing!

Winding someone up isn't as bad as thumping them, especially with this age difference. SS needs more support with managing his anger.

It’s amazing how many people are minimising a 15 year old hitting a 10 year old. Yes she was winding him up but we live in a world where you get wound up and you have to be able to control yourself.

So many women are murdered by their husbands/ partners and sons. It’s so common it barely makes the news. Many many more are assaulted every single day. This is how is starts, minimising the violence because they were provoked.

To those who said she deserved it- how hard of a hit is acceptable? A red mark? Broken nose? Being knocked unconscious? How do you measure what level of attack is justified?

For me there are 2 separate issues. The younger child’s behaviour, this needs to be addressed by her parents. Although violence can never be justified, she’s putting herself in harms way by deliberately goading an already angry young male.
The 15 year old, resorting to violence, needs better supervision especially when around younger family members.

It's a bit of an unholy mess. What are you most upset about? Your SS hitting neice, your neice's behaviour or your sister's reaction. All three are wrong. Why are you on holiday with your sister's family? Is this a first or just the first bust up.

Just read the thread

the vast vast majority are saying quite the opposite

I’m really surprised at all the people saying this is ‘normal 10 year old behaviour’. Is it? I have a 10 year old daughter and I would be appalled if she behaved like this! In fact my 8 year old (who could never be described as a gentle or particularly empathetic soul) wouldn’t dream of doing this either.

Obviously hitting her wasn’t the right thing to do and the OP has acknowledged that several times, but her niece wasn’t being ‘annoying’ she was being deliberately cruel and not allowing him to leave the situation.

Does she often behave like that towards emotionally vulnerable people @PapaSteel? Is your sister doing anything to address it? I think it sounds quite concerning and something that warrants some investigation.

A rod no wider than the thumb 😁

Your sister is very unreasonable to mention police and SS. But a 15 year old shouldn’t be hitting a 10 year old girl either. He needs pulling up on that for sure. Don’t minimise it. And don’t go on holiday with your sister again, it sounds like she doesn’t consider him to be part of the family and the kids clearly can’t get along. Recipe for disaster. If you can get ss
to apologise then it might smooth things over for now but he probably needs help for his anger.

Mumsnet isn’t for you if you’re going to get hurt by someone swearing in a post about a teen boy losing it with my teenager girl

which is very likely with this individual if he does this to a 10 year in the presence of an adult