To think Dsis is overeacting after SS hit niece?

[PapaSteel]

I've been with my partner for 8 years and we have dc together, he has a son from his previous relationship. He's 15 and not his bio son but he's been in his life since he was young and he sees him as his dad

Alot happened when we got together as his ex would tell SS that DP didn't want to see him anymore now he was dating me which wasn't true at all. She was physically & verbally abusive towards him and he's been living with us since he was 13 (after he told school about howHe has a lot of trauma and anger which school are supportive about and outside of school he gets help on how to manage the anger and he is a lot better than he was but the anger is still there so we are just patient with him

We're currently on holiday with my sister and her 2 dc and have been here since Monday. There was issues almost straight away as ss got angry at the claw machine but he and dp left the arcade and went for a walk to calm down as the arcade was busy so there was no way he'd have been able to calm down whilst in the arcade. My sister described him as a tantrumming toddler who didn't get his own way and said partner wasn't doing him any favours. I ignored her

He loves drawing and usually if you ask he will show what he's drawing but earlier he was at the table drawing and my niece (10) kept asking what he was drawing. He told her but she kept saying “show me show me” despite him saying no, she pulled his sketch book away from him which caused him to shout at her and she “accidentally” spilt her water on it. He was clearly very angry/upset and walked off to go to his room and she followed him and called him a baby, asked if he was going to cry etc, and he turned round and hit her and now he's being made out to be the bad guy

During this my sister was out with her other dc, my dp was in the shower and I was telling her multiple times to leave him alone and do something else even when she was repeatedly telling him to show her his drawing and she ignored me

My sister is now back and furious, she said she doesn't want her children to share a space with a “violent man”, and has even mentioned going to the police and social services on us if we're happy to have him around our children as he's not related to us when asked where he should go she just replied care

AIBU to think she's overreacting? I know SS shouldn't have hit her and he knows this too but she hasn't apologised for her part in deliberatly winding him up and sister says she doesn't need to as she's a child and he's nearly an adult

10 year olds are often annoying, it is completely unacceptable that a 15 year old boy hit her- you need to make it clear that this is completely unacceptable behaviour, and there need to be consequences.
On the other hand I do think your sister is overreacting if the 10 year old is not hurt- if she is hurt ,then calling Social Services would be appropriate.
You obviously are tending to take SS's side, but he should really be able to withstand a little mithering from a 10 year old at 15.

Wow, she sounds like a nightmare tho, pouring water on his sketchbook? If you're an artist that is extremely hurtful. All the work you did ruined. And she followed him after he tried to leave, but I mean yeah she's 10 and hitting is of course too much but... they were both in the wrong.

He's not a dog, he's nearly an adult.

"serves her right"

Christ.

No matter how annoying a child is you don't get to hit them.

No excuse. The 10 year old could have been the most annoying, brattish child in the world. It doesn’t matter. Your SS escalated to violence and committed an assault. There will be many times people piss him off. He can’t resort to violence. I’m afraid your are minimising the severity here.

Open or closed fist? Does he show remorse?

@PapaSteel also call your DSis out for not bringing her 10 year old up properly; to respect others personal items, boundaries and space. She should now concentrate on correcting her poor parenting.

And you’ll deal with SS.

No, she did NOT deserve a slap FFS

She isnt over reacting. It sounds like you have a troubled 15 year old lad on your hands there and i commend you and your partner for stepping up with him as neither are his bio parents. It sounds like you have coping mechanisms in place but they failed miserably on this occassion.

Your DS daughter is a brat. But she didnt deserve any physical harm and i fully understand them not wanting her anywhere near him.

Solution is to realise that this young girl is a brat and is not being helped in her journey as i would question whe let this child antagonise the boy so much without stepping in. Could you have done so. Keep the boy as far away from this kind of scenrio as possible and be proactive in removing hi from those situations. Get him to recognise them and be able to do something to remove himself.

He is going to be a young man soon and you do not want a hair trigger young man capable of serious harm around your family. Too many are having to deal with that these days.

He has apologized but she hasn’t

Lesson in life - you piss someone off they will react. No, he shouldn’t have hit her. But her behaviour should have been nipped in the bud long before it got this far. As for involving the police? Is she having an actual laugh? If the police were involved every time two siblings/cousins whacked each other, we would need a lot more officers out there.

SS is also a child and whilst you’d expect a 15 year old not to hit a 10 year old, this boy obviously has a huge amount of trauma to work through. It’s not an excuse but it absolutely will be a factor into his ability to control his anger. He is 15 he is a child and his brain is not fully developed, if it was a 15 year old girl hitting a 10 year old boy i doubt the reactions would be the same tbh.

It sounds like your sister already doesn’t like him anyway and your niece sounds fucking annoying. You’re not going to get any kind of apology so I would just be working on making it clear to your DSS that his behavior was totally unacceptable and there is a possibility she could contact the police to report the incident but hopefully this can be a learning curve for him.

It’s fair enough that your sister wants to ensure the safety of her child but the lack of any accountability whatsoever would really irritate me. It’s clear she doesn’t like your ss anyway so I would be cutting the holiday short, I wouldn’t be minding her children again and I would just be working on getting your ss whatever help he needs to get this behavior under control. Maybe it would be better for you to withdraw contact for the time being.

Many children deserve a slap, but it’s something we wouldn’t want to inflict on them - they are ofcourse just children being highly annoying.

Niece sounds irritating but it feels a dangerous route to go down to even remotely suggest to a 15 year old boy with anger issues that it’s okay or in any way acceptable to hit someone just because they annoy you.

Both young people sound insufferable. I wouldn't allow them in the same space until they are in their twenties.

This is strange. No one deserves a slap.

Do you have children? Are you male
or female?

News flash! He is “the bad guy”!
Do you honestly believe that telling a girl that it’s okay to be hit (it doesn’t matter how hard or soft) for annoying someone is not a problem?
Can you seriously defend any man or boy using violence ( no matter the level) against a woman or girl because “she pushed him to it”?

But I would. People are not toys that you wind up and not expect consequences. She was baiting him. Unacceptable behaviour. No, he shouldn't have hit her but she's well old enough to know how to behave. He's apologised, she should too.

Why didn’t you tell the 15YO to move away then? You’re clearly exaggerating how badly behaved she was being because no mother figure on earth sits there whilst a child is that unpleasant to their own child!

Oh there’s plenty of people that deserve a slap but this doesn’t mean the action is ever carried out.

She's 10 😂 I don't doubt she's a wind up merchant, but really the responsibility lies with the adult overseeing them and the 15yo. Once you clump someone you lose the right to an apology.

heavens

out of interest… did you ever slap your children?

Whilst SS shouldn’t have done what he did but equally neither should the 10 year old who sounds like a bully egged on by her mother. (I wonder what she id like in school towards those she thinks of as less than her)

She knew how to wind SS up. I would be going very low contact with her mother and NC with the niece

For her own DD’s safety your sister needs to teach her DD that just because she can bully someone she will have to expect a response in return.

If she is 10 years old She will be going to senior school probably next year. If she continues this behaviour she could target someone who has older sibling/s who will protect their younger sibling. And a slap is the least of her problems.

He was moving away and she decided to follow him and continue taunting him.

Never.

I never would. I don’t believe in hitting. Doesn’t mean there weren’t times that they didn’t deserve a slap. Just not in my nature to hit and fortunately I could count on one hand the times they (between the 2 of them) probably fell into this category. They are now almost adults.

He is 15. When it comes to violence, he is not a child.

Our holiday with you would be over. We would not leave, but we would not spend any more time with your family.

Your blasé reaction to this is frightening.

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