Left dsd alone on holiday

[squarecow]

Took DSD(19) and my 4 younger dc away for a week.
This is a place we have been going to for years so we have lots of friends there and know our way around.

Dsd has had a horrible couple of years, significant trauma and anxiety which we are just starting to get over. She hasn’t had her mother in her life for years so I try my best to play that part. She’s a lovely girl, I love her very much and think we have always had a good relationship.

I wanted her to be able to relax and let her hair down with friends on the holiday but I expected her to behave appropriately in front of younger siblings and to spend some time with us aswell.

From the minute we arrived she just wanted to go out and party with friends, fine but she kept randomly turning up throughout the day drunk and being inappropriate in front of dc. On day 3 I had to help shower her in the middle of the night after she’d thrown up all over herself and created a scene by shouting and swearing while my 7 year old cried at the door asking if she was okay.

Following that she seemed to calm down and I thought we had a lovely couple of days. She was obviously embarrassed so I didn’t go on at her or make her feel worse, I just told her we could forget about it.

On our last night she went out again but promised she’d be back by midnight as we were flying home the next morning. She then loudly turned up at 3am with a boy that she does know, I know his parents but I do not know or trust him enough to have him in the house with my small dc. I told him to go home, she chose to go with him and I didn’t try to stop her. I called her in the morning and she didn’t answer so we went home without her.

She is safe and her flight home has been sorted for her. She is upset though and is telling Dh that I hate her, that I’m ashamed of her and that I would have preferred to just go on holiday with my real dc, none of this is true.

Dh is disappointed in her behaviour but has hinted that he feels I could have done or at least he would have done more to be understanding and make her feel loved and included, and also that he wouldn’t have gone home without her.

Was I unreasonable?

She knew exactly where she was. The boy and his parents house - with whom they are friends.

Awwww bless you all.
She behaved like an insecure 19 year old.
You behaved like a mother at the end of her tether.
All entirely normal and understandable.

Just do lots and lots to ensure she knows how much you love her and this will all blow over.
Give it 20 years and you'll all be joking about the time you left her behind because she didn't get her act together for the flight!

Sounds like a typical 19 year old. Dont worry about it.

'What's the big deal with an adult arranging a flight and getting herself to the airport?'

There's no big deal about that. But I'm afraid your question demonstrates that you don't understand the real issue/s here.

Don't worry about it too much, OP. I was exactly like your DSD at that age, worse even, until somehow I managed to do a lot of growing up by the time I was 22. Probably tired of losing all the jobs I had because I was out partying too much to show up for work on time!

My mum left me behind a few times when I was being a right cow, and she was right to do it! (not abroad, but other family holidays in Britain)

The only thing I'll say is that I was partying and drinking too much because I was afraid of dealing with things in my head (coming to terms with being gay, was probably the biggest). If DSD is drinking excessively, you and DH might want to talk to her, see if she needs any help. Once things have calmed down.

Or, she might just be 19, and she'll grow up in a few years!

I actually think you did the right thing - in lots of ways, I think you were much kinder than my mum or I would have been in this scenario. If my daughter gets too drunk to get on the flight I've already paid for, I would be incredibly unimpressed. Of course the first priority is her safety and I'd get her back, but she'd definitely be paying me back for her flight!

You clearly love her and want to care for her but she's 19 now and there's only so much you can do to control her. It's on her if she wants to be a 'grownup' now.

I’m a step mum to a 21yo and can definitely say that at 19 I wouldn’t have dreamt of leaving without him. No matter the circumstances I would have taxied over there and banged on the door until he got up.

What did you do with all her luggage? Was that with you?

So he doesn't get to tell you how to handle things then he wasn't there he left you to take 4 younger kids and his unruly adult teen out of the country alone. it's not like you could stop her drinking because she's an adult, although she should have known to be respectful enough not to subject her younger siblings to her drunken behaviours, dad can't spout his opinions on how to handle his teenager that he clearly hasn't got any control over either

Tbh I wouldn't have flown home and left my 19 yr old dd in a foreign country with a boy I didn't trust enough to have in the house with my other children. I wouldn't have allowed her to leave with him at 3 in the morning either.

So she should've taken a taxi with all the luggage and 4 young kids to drag her out of some guys house hungover? Imagine the kicking off she may have done and those kids would have then witnessed her drunken behaviour yet again. Plus if she was in a state still the airport may have refused to allow her to fly at all, then she would have been stuck in an airport whilst waiting to sober up to get on the next available flight.

How would you have stopped her?

Well there we have a real issue. What is the blindingly obvious fact you haven't mentioned?

That you couldn’t have stopped her and you couldn’t have made her get on the flight?

Give him the details. He's entitled to know what is going on with his daughter.

And tell him that he has no right to criticise given that he was totally skiving off from looking after his children.

@PinkchickenwineI would have sent the boy home and told my dd she was not going with him. Even if I had to bar the door or threaten to phone the boys mum in the middle of the night, since OP knows her. Whatever it took really. Anything could have happened to a drunk youngster out with a boy she barely knows. I wouldn't have been able to get on a plane and leave her there.

You're a true hero taking 4 children and a stroppy teen on holiday by yourself, you did absolutely the right thing prioritising the children and getting you all home safe and sound, bloody well done Op 😘

OP didn't even try to stop her. I do wonder if she would have taken the same approach if this was her biological daughter and not a step daughter.

If you like

Ta da

Ta fa!

Despite your I would make her go on
the plane 🤦‍♀️, you confirmed you couldn’t!

Wow OP. First all, she's very lucky to have you as her SM. You sound incredibly understanding and compassionate. You have clearly gone out of your way to support her.

However, I think you (and especially your husband) need to step back here and ask whether you are helping her by allowing her to continue to behave as she is.

The level of entitlement, self centredness and disregard for others that she has shown is off the scale.

We all got far too drunk at 19. But repeatedly making your drinking the whole family's problem to sort? Not cool. She is 19 not 9, and needs to act accordingly and take responsibility.

Trauma is a mitigating factor, it is not a free pass to do as she pleases and ride roughshod over the rights of others. The first thing she would be asked to do in therapy is to consider whether her behaviour was acceptable and appropriate. She messed up (repeatedly) and it is on her to remedy that. To do this, she needs to be encouraged to look again at her own conduct.

Aside from the impact on her family, she also sounds like she's taking considerable risks with her own safety.

Your husband in particular needs to stop enabling and excusing unacceptable behaviour. She will not develop the resilience she needs to succeed in adulthood if he lawnmowers away every uncomfortable feeling or difficult situation.

I bet it's true though.
Tbh, I thought you were going to go down the 'she's 19 and an adult' route.

Has your DH ever taken all 5 children abroad on his own before? Does he regularly look after them all to give you downtime? Personally, I’d refuse to take DSD away again without DH being present as you can no longer trust her to behave appropriately.

???

Possibly would have dealt with things differently because there wouldn't have been the same thread of backlash.

To completely brush over the complexities of a blended family is to be obtuse to the nth degree.