Left dsd alone on holiday

[squarecow]

Took DSD(19) and my 4 younger dc away for a week.
This is a place we have been going to for years so we have lots of friends there and know our way around.

Dsd has had a horrible couple of years, significant trauma and anxiety which we are just starting to get over. She hasn’t had her mother in her life for years so I try my best to play that part. She’s a lovely girl, I love her very much and think we have always had a good relationship.

I wanted her to be able to relax and let her hair down with friends on the holiday but I expected her to behave appropriately in front of younger siblings and to spend some time with us aswell.

From the minute we arrived she just wanted to go out and party with friends, fine but she kept randomly turning up throughout the day drunk and being inappropriate in front of dc. On day 3 I had to help shower her in the middle of the night after she’d thrown up all over herself and created a scene by shouting and swearing while my 7 year old cried at the door asking if she was okay.

Following that she seemed to calm down and I thought we had a lovely couple of days. She was obviously embarrassed so I didn’t go on at her or make her feel worse, I just told her we could forget about it.

On our last night she went out again but promised she’d be back by midnight as we were flying home the next morning. She then loudly turned up at 3am with a boy that she does know, I know his parents but I do not know or trust him enough to have him in the house with my small dc. I told him to go home, she chose to go with him and I didn’t try to stop her. I called her in the morning and she didn’t answer so we went home without her.

She is safe and her flight home has been sorted for her. She is upset though and is telling Dh that I hate her, that I’m ashamed of her and that I would have preferred to just go on holiday with my real dc, none of this is true.

Dh is disappointed in her behaviour but has hinted that he feels I could have done or at least he would have done more to be understanding and make her feel loved and included, and also that he wouldn’t have gone home without her.

Was I unreasonable?

She was in no way expected or made to come, she was invited and said she wanted to. She also wasn’t expected to nanny the children, at no point did I leave or plan to leave any of them with her.
We had already all been on holiday with Dh this summer.

Dh ... has hinted that he feels I could have done or at least he would have done more to be understanding and make her feel loved and included, and also that he wouldn’t have gone home without her.

If he has a problem with the way you handled this, he should tell you straight out so the two of you can discuss it, he understands exactly what occurred and the constraints you were under, you can figure out if there are misunderstandings or differences in what you each expect of the other and agree on how to handle similar things in the future, and there's no lingering resentment or guilt. You had your hands as the only responsible adult on holiday with four children plus a young adult still reeling from trauma; my guess is that you don't have the extra time or energy right now to tiptoe around and play guessing games because your husband's being "off" - if he indeed is!

More importantly, things will probably settle down when you have a chance to talk fact to face with DSD and reassure her that she was welcome on the holiday but your attention was naturally split because of competing needs among the various children including her. Tell her you did think she wanted to be on her own, see her old friends, etc. and perhaps you gave her too much "space" thinking that was what she wanted and needed.

No one here knows exactly what they'd have done in your circumstances because we don't know all the factors (ages of the other children, flexibility of your flights, how far from home, how urgent it was to get home in time, etc.) I think I would not have left DSD after one unanswered phone call - I'd have been too afraid something had happened to her - but I also appreciate that going around looking for her with four young ones in tow might not have been practical either. I do think this was case where both you and your husband should have been actively involved. As it turned out that DSD is safe and able to get herself home safely, in retrospect I'd say you handled the situation well enough and unless there are some immediate concrete changes either you or DH would like to propose, it's pointless to nitpick.

Pray tell?

I am sure we would all love to be taught how to deal with stroppy-arsed drunk teenagers who have no intention of complying.

I’m assuming from your post her DF was not with you all?

@squarecow you sound like a wonderful mom to all five of your kids. You’re doing a great job. ❤️

She's behaved like an absolute twat and tried to blame it on you.

What were you expected to do, miss the flight home with your 4 kids?!

Tell DH that you are never taking her on holiday again.

OP's posts say her DH was not on the holiday, he was at home.

It’s okay for your step daughter and husband saying you shouldn’t have left her there, but what are they suggesting you should have done? Your options were leave her there and organise (for her) a different flight home, which you did, or not leave her there and have to organise six flights home. Who was offering to pay for those? Does your dsd acknowledge that she knew when she had to be ready and chose to do something else?

It is so so easy to say ‘that was wrong’ without offering a realistic alternative.

I think the fact you were showering her in the middle of the night to get her clean and comfortable after vomiting all over herself shows how much you love and care about her and I’d be pointing that out to your DH.

She can't have it both ways - she either gets treated like a child and listens to you, doesn't bring random boys home then go back to theirs etc, or she gets treated like an adult. Would she really have been happy with you and 4 kids turning up in the morning to drag her out of the boys bed and onto the plane after a couple of hours sleep and a raging hangover? I think it would have been different if you were somewhere she didn't know but it sounds like she was safe so I think you did the right thing leaving her

She's an adult but only just and, on holiday with a parent, I think reverting to a more juvenile mindset is common. I think I agree with your DH that going round to get her in the morning, if possible, would have been appropriate, though appreciate with 4 under 13 that might have been tricky. Did you try and do anything in the morning to get her to the plane on time?

But I think she's kicking off because she's taking out some of her teenage moodiness and possibly some of her trauma on you and is embarrassed about her behaviour. I would give her some time to get over it.

I think this is a tricky age, though, where it's easy for her to start building an ostracized narrative to have something to push all her feelings of inadequacy on as she deals with the transition to the adult world. So I would watch out for anything similar and try and engage in activities with her that have helped you bond in the past to keep up the positive side of things.

This.

TBH I was reading this ready to assume you were the Wicked Stepmother, but actually, you were quite reasonable. I think a lot of natural mothers would have done the same in that situation. She's 19, not 9, so you could expect her to return home safely and she has. It sounds like you showed patience and compassion without pandering to her.

Actually I would have treated my daughter differently - I'd have given her an absolute bollocking for getting so pissed she vomited on herself in front of younger children.

I would also have not let her leave with the boy when we were flying in the morning, even if it meant physical restraint and kicking him out/calling his parents to collect him.

I think you gave her too much freedom but I'm sure if you hadn't, you'd be accused of being a controlling, evil SM.

She knew what she was doing rocking up at the holiday home with a boy at 3 am on the last day. She was pushing boundaries like any 3 year old does, just with added alcohol and stress.

"Dh is disappointed in her behaviour but has hinted that he feels I could have done or at least he would have done more to be understanding and make her feel loved and included, and also that he wouldn’t have gone home without her."
Well, he wasn't bloody well there, was he? So of course he can claim he would have been oh so much better than you!

That is the sort of behaviour I cannot stand. Delegates the parenting, then bitches it wasn't to his standard. He'd have needed his hard hat on if he'd pulled that stunt on me.

Nonsense. What's the big deal with an adult arranging a flight and getting herself to the airport?

You sound like a very loving Stepmum. ❤️ Your husband's an arse.

I was the mother of a two year old at 19. She'll just have to grow up!

Honestly, is this a big deal? she’s nineteen of course she went out and had fun. Some people her age do go a bit wild with clubbing and all that, it’s pretty normal. But. you were also right to send the boy out and to go on the flight without her. Pretty stupid to get drunk the night before and have a one-night stand.

So, I think you can both get over this.

She has behaved terribly . She is 19. That is old enough to know better than this . It’s her own fault and I’ve zero sympathy. You did nothing wrong here at all

I've not read the updates but, Christ, I feel for you.

That's a really tricky dynamic but, from what you said in your original post, it sounds as though you handled it the best way anyone could.

On the one hand, you were trying to balance a 19 year old who (whilst legally an adult) needed a bit of parenting (a free pass, some love, guidance, understanding, consequences etc - everything you did) against the needs of young children to not be witness to certain behaviours. Thrown into the mix is the fact she's not your biological daughter and, on the basis she's not had her biological mother in her life, she is likely to have some issues coming from that.

I'm honestly not sure what else you could have done. You sound like a thoroughly wonderful individual who was in a situation that couldn't be perfected.

I'm not sure if anyone has suggested this already but perhaps see if you can arrange a special day / night out, just for the two of you, so she can see you want to spend time with her and you can just tell her how much you love her. You don't need to reference the holiday, just reinforce the reality - that she's special to you and oh so loved. She's still so young and must have demons that follow her, which will make these years even harder for her, whilst she finds her way in the world and learns who she is.

At the moment, it sounds as though she's not ready to take proper responsibility for herself and so she's deflecting to the easy source (step-mum). She won't actually mean it. It's an outburst. It just hurts more and is harder to navigate than when it's your biological child telling you they hate you (because they're hormonal and behaving like a Kevin).

I wish I could give you a hug. You're doing right by your step-daughter and that's what's going to stand her in good stead in life.

xx

I think this is fair from him, he sounds like a good dad.

How?

What makes you think you could’ve physically restrained a 19 year old or got the time to xall
his parents (assuming you had their number) before they left?

I had one child and one on the way at 19, she’s old enough to face consequences of behaving like a dick. And why is your dh telling you that YOU could have done more? Where was he during her vile behaviour?