To not allow DS to go to leeds festival if he fails his GCSEs?

[PrinceHood]

My DS is 16 (17 in a month)

He was at a private grammar school (not a boast or anything - just to show he's capable!), his dad passed away when nearly 2 years ago a couple months into year 10 unexpectedly (and then his dads partner stopped him seeing his siblings) and he went from being a hardworking, quiet boy to someone who didn't try or care and he threw himself into rugby which was his passion previously but it became all he cared about. The school were supportive and tried to help him, he was given a 100% nursery as I wouldn’t have afforded school fees (his dad was paying and we weren’t together) and it wasn’t his fault

He was offered counselling but he declined and after a while school had to get tough with him as despite the fact that they were understanding it couldn’t be one rule for him and not for the others but this somewhat made matters worse as he felt everyone was against him and didn’t seem to understand that we were trying to help him

He was offered extra tuition and mostly failed in his mocks due to just not trying. We don’t know his final grades yet until next Thursday but i’m not hopeful tbh. He didn’t really revise and I know in one of his maths papers he didn’t fill in many questions and walked out because he felt sick (after he ate something containing dairy) and didn’t go back to do the exam and I honestly dont have much hope he’ll have tried in the other papers to try and pull it back

He says he doesn't need his GCSEs for playing rugby etc and it's all he wants to do.

He went abroad for pre season tournament and I was weary of agreeing but I did and he ended up having a fight with another boy on his team and they're still investigating what happened because both ds and the other boy have blamed each other but they have said they're concerned about his conduct and his behaviour and how he reacts to things outside of rugby (he's focused and works hard during the matches).

My partner has said he hopes he gets kicked off the team which maybe he deserves but I do worry what will happen as it's the only thing he cares about like I said, he plays and gods to the gym and apart from that he's at home in his room.

He's due to go to Leeds fest in a few weeks and my partner is now saying I shouldn't allow him and he's shown he can't be sensible when away from home in a team setting let alone outside of one and if he fails his GCSEs he can't go and he's told DS this - I was at work which led to them arguing and DS swearing at him and telling him to fuck off

Is DP BU? Or Am I? I'd appreciate and outsiders pov and advice

DP is VVVVVU! You need to show your ds some support and tell your DP to keep his nose out. Your poor DS deserves better.

I was drop out teen due to family issues. I spent a few years off the rails. Eventually I came back to education in my 20s and got a degree and am now a high earner with totally normal boring average life. At least your son has ruby and sports and there’s loads of ways to make a living in sports and fitness. I would let him be for a few years until he figures a few things out for himself. Punishing him is pointless and right now it sounds like he needs some joy and to let loose after a hard few years. I also went to grammar school but left as it was just too fast paced for where my head was at. Which certainly wasn’t in books and learning at that time. I am also now a massive geek. But I needed those few years of no direction to find one after my head was all over the place.

Your partner is a knob.

get shot.

Your partner is a knob.

get shot.

Tell your partner to F off

Let your son go to the festival

Your poor ds. He’s had a really hard time and it seems like the adults in his life aren’t really in tune with his needs. If he doesn’t get the gcse grades he needs, do you have a plan? That’s more important than a stupid festival. That’s what I would be focusing on as a parent.

Your son is grieving and dysregulated, and rugby has become the only stable thing he clings to. He needs support, not punishment. Counselling with you could help him rebuild trust and process everything he’s been carrying. I don't think anyone thinks this is an easy situation for you or your son. He's not coping well from the sounds of it but having said that, it doesn't totally absolve him of his actions, there have to be consequences for bad behaviour,

Your partner, however long you’ve been together, does not live with you and is not your son’s parent. It wasn’t his place to make decisions about Leeds Fest or to issue consequences while you were at work. That’s a boundary he crossed, and it’s understandable your son reacted badly.

You’re not unreasonable to feel your DP has overstepped, and you’re not unreasonable to want a more supportive approach for your son

No, you shouldn't stop him going to the festival. Doing so won't improve his behaviour or make him work harder.

My partner has said he hopes he gets kicked off the team

I'd be more worried about this.

Your son has had a really awful time, must feel abandoned by his father's family, and is struggling. However, he has thrown himself into doing something constructive - Rugby. Now your partner hopes he gets kicked off the team?

Agree. It’s so sinister!

What the hell did your DP think he was doing? It's none of his business. You cant 'undermine' him as it is nothing to do with him, he has no standing in this. Let him go to the festival. When he comes back get your boy some help - the suggestion of looking for a mentor at his rugby club is a really good one - postive role models and the rugby family support. Also Winston's Wish now Child Bereavement UK may be able to help him and maybe you in supporting him

And the fact partner has told him (without me saying anything) and now he's said if I allow him to go ill be undermining him but I never told him to tell ds he cant go

WTF have I just read? This partner doesn’t even live with you, what right has he got to parent your child?

Being a teenager is tough enough, I can’t begin to imagine how difficult it is to lose a parent at that age. Cut the poor boy some slack and just show him some love.

@PrinceHood my DF died when I was in the run up to the bulk of my GCSE’s. My world fell apart and I failed every. Single. One. But life carried on, in time I got a job, built a career, yadda yadda yadda.

But let me tell you, there were people around at the time who let me down. Who could have been there, who could have been supportive, but weren’t and didn’t.

it might have been 40+ years ago, but I have never, ever forgotten that. I’ve forgiven, if only for my own peace of mind, but I judge them all, and have gone NC with all of them. And right now, I am judging your DP as a colossal fucking arsehole, who needs someone to give him a few home truths, ideally before giving him the boot.

Get shot of your prick of a DP and give your son the support he is clearly in desperate need of.

Your partner doesn't even live with you. What the hell is he sticking his beak in for? Get rid of him and focus on your poor boy who has gone through hell and back

Your boyfriend has no say in your sons upbringing.

I'm so sorry he lost his dad. My sons friend lost his mum at the same age his school life and work suffered. He too loved rugby and went on a school tour. I do think sport is healing.

Take the exam results as an indication of his distress.

I feel like the fact your son has lost his dad and his siblings really doesn’t appear to be landing with you… at all.

And the fact partner has told him (without me saying anything) and now he's said if I allow him to go ill be undermining him

This is a really bad dynamic.

You aren't married to him and he isn't your son's Dad, but he thinks you are undermining him?

If he can't step back and understand that, I think you need to prioritise your son and send him packing.

I have to be honest OP I found your posts an excruciating read, learning what your DS has been through. He has lost almost every immediate member of his family: his father, his siblings. His school is less than empathetic. You report that his friends have drifted away too; that may not be their faults but to your DS he may experience it as just more loss.

Did your heart bleed when you wrote these posts about your DS's experiences OP? Or are you really as detached and unsympathetic as you appear to be here? Just one more adult who is not in his corner; perhaps because your frankly repulsive-sounding 'D'P is too much in your ear.

I do hope that DS gets through this to better times. And I do hope you change your attitude to him and become his strongest advocate. FGS start by letting him go to the festival.

This. Poor poor lad. Hes had a rough time and had to deal with enormous grief at a young age.

Let him go. Punishing him this way will do nothing bur drive him further away from you

Are you for real? Your poor son.

He's lost his father and can't see his siblings. It's little wonder he's struggled to focus at school. GCSEs are important but he can retake them later.
I dont think your dp should be involved especially if he doesn't live with you, it's really not his business.

This makes me feel so thankful that I had kind and compassionate parents.

I wonder where your partner is going with this. Is he trying to.engineer a breakdown of your relationship with your son? Would he quite like to clear the house so he can move in?
Seperately do you have any reason to think your son might not be reasonably safe at a festival? Is there drugs or excessive alcohol use?
I think you need to sort out for yourself exactly what your issue with the festival is and where it is really coming from. Not your partner's. Preventing him.from going ( if that's even possible) on safety / health grounds is very very different from punishing him for bad grades. A responsible caring parent might conceivably consider the former but I don't think the latter is at all helpful. Yes wanting him excluded from Rugby is quite ew and makes me wonder what else he'd like to exclude him from.

Get rid of your nasty boyfriend and support your son.

Grief hits us in various ways and your son needs help. Any punishments should come from you, not your partner, your son needs support.

You've got a partner problem.