To not allow DS to go to leeds festival if he fails his GCSEs?

[PrinceHood]

My DS is 16 (17 in a month)

He was at a private grammar school (not a boast or anything - just to show he's capable!), his dad passed away when nearly 2 years ago a couple months into year 10 unexpectedly (and then his dads partner stopped him seeing his siblings) and he went from being a hardworking, quiet boy to someone who didn't try or care and he threw himself into rugby which was his passion previously but it became all he cared about. The school were supportive and tried to help him, he was given a 100% nursery as I wouldn’t have afforded school fees (his dad was paying and we weren’t together) and it wasn’t his fault

He was offered counselling but he declined and after a while school had to get tough with him as despite the fact that they were understanding it couldn’t be one rule for him and not for the others but this somewhat made matters worse as he felt everyone was against him and didn’t seem to understand that we were trying to help him

He was offered extra tuition and mostly failed in his mocks due to just not trying. We don’t know his final grades yet until next Thursday but i’m not hopeful tbh. He didn’t really revise and I know in one of his maths papers he didn’t fill in many questions and walked out because he felt sick (after he ate something containing dairy) and didn’t go back to do the exam and I honestly dont have much hope he’ll have tried in the other papers to try and pull it back

He says he doesn't need his GCSEs for playing rugby etc and it's all he wants to do.

He went abroad for pre season tournament and I was weary of agreeing but I did and he ended up having a fight with another boy on his team and they're still investigating what happened because both ds and the other boy have blamed each other but they have said they're concerned about his conduct and his behaviour and how he reacts to things outside of rugby (he's focused and works hard during the matches).

My partner has said he hopes he gets kicked off the team which maybe he deserves but I do worry what will happen as it's the only thing he cares about like I said, he plays and gods to the gym and apart from that he's at home in his room.

He's due to go to Leeds fest in a few weeks and my partner is now saying I shouldn't allow him and he's shown he can't be sensible when away from home in a team setting let alone outside of one and if he fails his GCSEs he can't go and he's told DS this - I was at work which led to them arguing and DS swearing at him and telling him to fuck off

Is DP BU? Or Am I? I'd appreciate and outsiders pov and advice

He’s had a horrendous time and I think he generally needs a lot of TLC. But aside from that , 16 is too young for Leeds/Reading. It’s a very full on festival. Plus kids have ruined it for the rest of us.

What does he want to do in the future OP is it an idea to find him a Rugby plus A levels or BTEC course that might motivate him?

I would have a chat with him and explain if he wants to progress in Rugby that he needs to moderate his behaviour otherwise a professional team won't accept him.

He needs help to manage his emotions he still is very young and his brain is still developing could you talk through scenarios with him and how he will not lose his temper.

I would say he needs love bombing not punishing, definitely no drama if he fails just well you've had a rubbish few years and you have other options shall we work them out together.

Our DD has SEN and may fail but I'm not stressing about it instead I'm telling her she will be fine no matter what that these exams are not the be all and end all of life.

Your partner undermined you by saying that to your son in the first place without your agreement. Now the natural consequence for your partner is that he loses face and doesn't get his own way. Good.

So he lost his dad.
Lost his siblings
Lost his friends.
has been grieving and thrown himself into sport.
The other boy (I suspect) said something either about his dad or similar, no excuse but understandable.

And your prick of a boyfirend that doesn't live with you, wants to ban him from a festival which could reunite him with his friends.
And if he doesn't go could have a lasting affect on your relationship.

Your boyfriend and by extension you (if you go through with this) are bieng very unreasonable.

Ditch the 'partner' who thinks it's his place to parent your dc. He lost his actual dad at a tricky age and will still be mourning that loss.
I imagine your ds's behaviour will somewhat improved without this idiot, who has no place involving himself in your ds's life.

Your boyfriend has massively overstepped, you need to tell him to back off. He doesn't get a say in what your son does. Him wanting your son to lose the only thing he's motivated about is spiteful and counterproductive.

He sounds to dislike your son and he doesn't show him.any empathy or have a clue about parenting yet he's keen to have his say and you do what he advises. Is this relationship a good one? For you or your son?

GCSEs can be redone. It will be rubbish but it's not the end of the world. He's lost his dad and effectively his siblings and now his mum's boyfriend's throwing his weight around.

I also don't really understand how you can stop your son going if he wants to, he's 16. No one can be helped unless they want it, maybe he needs to hit rock bottom first or just have time out to recalibrate but something needs to give.

Just be advised that if he goes to the Leeds Festival and starts acting up he’s liable to get a smack in the face and/or chucked out by security.

Your child is struggling and you can’t even see it because your more worried about punishing him.

Your partner is a shitbag who has only been in this kids life for half of it. Why are you putting him first over your son?

You need to work with your son to access specialist grief counselling for young adults.

his GCSEs really don’t matter at this point be Ayse clearly he is hurting and pushing at the things he loves because he is scared they will be removed from him (so almost creating that situation).

Leeds wasn’t a condition of his GcSEs so shouldn’t be removed if he doesn’t do well. but I would have concerns if he has distanced himself from his friends and will be heading into that environment. As a very seasoned festival goer I don’t believe it is a rite of passage, and you need to have a proper adult conversation with him about how he will be safe in that environment (drink, drugs, sex etc). As well as his friends he needs to know that if he has any struggles welfare will help him but he needs to seek that help if it comes to it.

your partner has overstepped, especially if he doesn’t live in your home. For your son this intervention will feel like he is trying to step into his fathers shoes, and that will only add to his distress.

this is actually a pivotal time for you and your sons relationship. Possibly counselling for the both of you could help too. What you shouldn’t be doing is punishing him further. You need to celebrate any positives that come from his GCSEs because to sit them in the circumstances he did is pretty bloody amazing.

Another putting partner before child, why does this keep happening

If not going to the festival is to be the result of not passing then he should have been told 6-12 months ago when he a chance to make a decision to study or not! You can’t now drop it on him when he can do fuck all to change the outcome!
Your partners a nasty twat and needs to keep his spiteful opinions to himself!!

I had assumed this was a long-term live-in partner, since the boy was little, not a boyfriend!

He is absolutely out of line, sounds spiteful and a bully. Very clearly trying to assert himself as disciplinarian in place of the mother and thus trying to drive a wedge between her and this poor boy who has lost not only his dad but also siblings.

OP, please do take an objective look at this situation and parent your boy yourself, making clear he is your priority and not an inconvenience. DP won’t like this because he is a sh*t by the sounds of things who wants to be in control. But you and your family are not within his control.

His suggestion that you are undermining him is laughable because he is not your boy’s dad or even stepdad, and did not consult you. He has no jurisdiction over your boy or you at all, he is just a live-out boyfriend.

Poor poor lad. Has he not had enough to deal with, now you are going to blackmail him with this??
Kids are under tremendous pressure as it is to pass exams without parents playing the " if you are a good little boy" game. Let him go to his thing. Not everyone wants an academic career however 'capable' he is.

So your poor son has lost his dad and now on top of everything else he has to deal with some unrelated male throwing his weight around.

This is where you need to tell your DP in no uncertain terms to back off. In fact I would consider taking a break from the relationship for a year or two to give your son a chance to get back on an even keel.

I don't understand the abuse on this thread
The abuse is because you ARE putting your partner above your son. Your concerns about your son's behaviour and his safety are all valid, but you can't sort them out while your partner insists on acting as if he has a say. News flash - HE DOESN'T.

Let your son go to Leeds and spend the time he’s there packing your nasty twat of a partners stuff into a box and telling the wanker to fuck off.

He doesn't live with us, I was clear on that at the very start of our relationship

So why the fuck is he having so much to say about your what your son can and can't do? You aren't living together. He doesn't get to tell your son he can't go to a festival. That is your decision and yours alone.
What a fucking asshole your partner is.
It's not like he's someone who has brought your child up from a very young age and has been living with you as a family for many years. That's a different case entirely.

Your DS has had a really shit two years. He is still grieving his father. He can't see his siblings. His Dad's partner sounds like a nightmare. Your partner is a nightmare and you seem very weak.

Of course he should go to the festival. Banning him from the festival is not going to change his grades.
Once he comes back from the festival the two of you can sit down together and discuss his grades and what options are open to him. By that time the rugby team might have made a decision too.
Whatever happens it needs to be a fresh start for him.

And that asshole partner needs to get to fuck.

Without asking you, your partner, who does not live with you, told your son he’s not going to the festival if he doesn’t pass his GCSEs and has told you if you don’t go with what he’s said you’re undermining him? Does he not care he’s told your son something you didn’t agree to?! He doesn’t sound like a very good partner at all and that and hoping your son gets kicked off of rugby team shows his level of empathy - he’d be gone if I were you…

All of this.

Poor kid. He’s had so much trauma. Sorry he needs a hug and some understanding.
I can’t get over the lack of empathy you and your partner have for him. He’s a child who’s lost his dad and siblings. Maybe rugby is a connection to his dad.
Let him go to the festival and chuck your unpleasant partner out.

You need to be clear with your son that if he goes to Leeds fest and gets into fights or acts the dickhead then it will be the police who dole out the consequences, not you. I am not sure you can stop a 16 year old from going to a festival - but also it does sound like an environment where he is likely
to get into trouble. Your son’s had a rough few years. I am in a not dissimilar position with my step child, who is to her than your DS. The problem is if you give them a pass for poor behaviour because they have had it hard then you reinforce that they can do what they like
because things are rough…which is not a good life lesson. My approach is firm loving boundaries, consequences and everything being about building trust for greater freedoms. In my view, getting into a fight at rugby camp would breach the trust needed to attend a festival, but as I say not sure how it would
work to try and enforce that with a 16 year old - and you always have to think about what you are going to do if they ignore the consequence. This could escalate in a way that really backfires. So my approach would be to explain that I am concerned at the levels of maturity being shown vs the levels of maturity needed to safely handle a festival environment and that this will be a big moment for him to prove to you he is sensible enough to have independence.

Poor boy only lost his dad 2 years ago, give him a break! GCSE aren’t the end of the world he’s had a tough time.
Your partner sounds very unsympathetic.

If this is true then you need to tell your partner to keep his fucking nose out. Interfering prick.

Absolutely this. Your boyfriend has massively overstepped @PrinceHood. Your poor boy, he’s lost his dad at the worst possible age and all you seem care about is his exam results and the nasty piece of work you’ve chosen to share your life with. I feel so sorry for him.

Hi OP. Your boy is at an already difficult age, lots going on in his head, likely no real coping mechanism’s in place as his brain is not sufficiently developed to know how best to cope with these kinds of challenges without guidance, which he probably doesn’t even know how to ask for.
Maybe take some time to have a couple of hours out with him, away from the home, ideally driving somewhere where you at least have a captive audience guaranteed while you’re driving. Consider this- Tell him you are frightened for him, he’s your kid and that’s your job to feel like this, you’re scared that he is vulnerable because of the loss of his dad, grief is not a straightforward process, you want to find a way to try and make his life better if he can work with you to try and do this. Nothing about his exams or what he can achieve but his sense of security and wellbeing, happiness, how he manages how he feels without putting himself at risk, and ask him to help you try to find a way to make this work. My boy didn’t give two shits about anything at one point, tanked his exams, had no idea what to do next, and was on a bit of a path to self destruction. I kind of made it about my feelings of fear for him and wanting him to help me find the way to make his life better. This was after all else failed and I wished I had just asked him to have the hard conversation in the first place. Chose to do it when we went to ikea of all places, about an hour and a half drive away … was cathartic for both of us. Might be worth a try, some tough love and brutally honest conversation. Minimal eye contact as you’ll be driving and this minimised the sense of confrontation. Best of luck, to both of you.