I'm refusing to help my sister pay for her children's school uniform

[mumlifeischaos1990]

My sister has 3 children and this year all of her kids are going to school, her youngest is starting nursery because my sister needs to go back to work. My sister and her husband struggle a little bit financially, hence why my sister needs to go back to work. Obviously it's that time of year where everybody is buying school uniform. Which can be extremely expensive. So my sister asked me if I could help her with the cost of the uniform.

Now her reason for asking me was that me and my DH can afford to send our children to private school. So my financial situation is different than my sisters financial situation. And of course I would love to help my sister...however I just spent almost £2,000 on my kids school uniform this year, which was more than I was expecting however they've both recently gone through a growth spurt and their school is very strict about uniform. And I can't really justify spending more money on school uniforms this month, cause I do still have a budget each month. So I politely told my sister that sorry I won't be able to help her, however I could help her look for shops that have shirts, skirts, tight, etc for a much cheaper price.

Of course my sister didn't overreact when I told her, but she definitely seems a bit annoyed at me.

Well she seems to need help with budgeting...

Exactly.

The number of people on here who think that OP should fund her sisters kids because sister appears to be incapable of financial management is nuts.
Note the sneering is all about "well if you can afford to send your kids to private school and buy them uniform..." so we can see where that's coming from.
OP can probably afford it through not being a cashpoint for the irresponsible.

I agree you get more for your money in prep than secondary and that is where the bulk of the school uniform budget will go this year to DGD in secondary. As well as school trip, broken laptop loop as I said, and school bus from one school to the another.

And that was my point, we all have to budget, and OP is saying she is broke after buying the school uniform. But I am sure she has budgeted for those things and the family can still eat and pay their bills.

Also, it doesn't take much for some people to ask for money. Not everyone has 'too much pride' to ask for charity. Just read some of the CF threads on here and you'll learn that some people have skin as thick as a rhino's hide and zero shame when it comes to asking for someone else to give them something they want. (Not saying people should be ashamed to ask for help when they truly need it, but many people don't see a difference between need with no other options and 'this would be easier for me' or simply 'I want it'.)

Exactly and the OP says they aren’t close. Regardless of her finances, why should the OP help? Her ds has chosen to have 3 dc.

I've got a mate who works 2 jobs to send his kid to private school. His wife works full time two. The deliberately only had one child to give them the start my mate would have loved to have.

Her dsis has 3 kids...if she can't afford them, why have them. It's not the ops responsibility to clothe other people's kids...if it is there's a suit I've got my eye on...

Do you have multiple children at private school though? OP's sister is in a fix about uniform that will get sorted somehow. If OP doesn't have savings (and the fact she is having to budget carefully because the uniforms cost £2000 rather than £1500 this month rather implies that) one job loss or extended illness could potentially see her children having to leave their school precipitately. That is what I meant by precarious, I wasn't having a pop at people without savings, many don't especially at the moment.

The tone of your own post is not above being sneery. Labelling the OP's sister how you have, when you have zero idea of her what has caused her present situation.

No, I don’t.
That doesn’t matter, though.
The OP’s financial situation is her own business and if she chose to send her children to a private school knowing that a job loss, illness etc would mean that they’d have to leave, that’s up to her.

Ours has a uniform but most parents supplement with school clothes from Tesco, Asda or Sainsburys who have a variety of colours. The school also recycles 2nd hand uniforms. In Scotland schools cannot insist on a particular uniform. Supermarket clothes are fine.

Your sister will get benefits if they’re on a low wage. She needs to plan better as she knows she has children who need uniform. She’s cheeky for asking you, but we have family who think that because our children go to private school, that we should pay for things for them.

You could lend her the money if its such an issue for you. You dont say how old her children are but if primary age then supermarkets sell reasonably priced clothing. Obviously if your children are at private school its going to cost more for uniform and all the keeping up with the Jones but I think stating the sum of 2K you have spent is going to get you shot to pieces and quite frankly you sound a bit smug. Lend your sister a bit of cash and dont be so mean.

It boils down to being charitable doesn’t it? Many saying they OPs sister should go to charity shops for school uniform. Nothing wrong with that, needs must and all that, but I will pull out the old adage/cliche; charity begins at home.

Many also saying that OPs sister has 3 kids that she can’t afford, that she may be bad with money, that she may always be asking. We don’t know any of this explicitly.

I do give to family members that ask or need help occasionally. If someone was taking the piss then I will tell them they are taking the piss, but if it is genuine, I will help out, especially for the kids.

Well no you don't have too. I would possibly think maybe I could chuck some bits and pieces in the tesco shop, help her identify school uniform selling groups on facebook and suggest she asks if they have any at school (I give all our banded stuff to school instead of selling it). There are ways of helping without just handing over cash.

I'd be really gutted if my daughters begrudged each other £50 when they're older.

If money is tight, do you have shirts or shoes they could take second hand from you?

When I was planning my family, I worked out finances for that moment in time and then considered would I be able to afford, to a good level, multiple children if job loss/divorce/death happened. The answer was I could sustain to a good standard one child if any of those things occurred. So, I did the sensible thing and had one child. It’s called planning. No crystal ball needed, no seeing into the future. Just planning, like an adult.

Well I was being sneery so this should come as no surprise, in exactly the same way that school uniform being required should come as no surprise.
Vinted is great for kids clothes and child benefit would help with the cost.
It’s a matter of budgeting and thrift rather than tapping up family members that you’re not that close to otherwise.

You’re not obliged to help your sister. However it would be a nice thing to give or lend her some money to help, however if you can’t afford it you can’t afford it!

It's your money and no one is entitled to it except your husband and children. However, I do think choosing not to help out your own sister and niblings with a once-a-year, comparatively negligible cost is a bit tight.

Your sister has had 3 children! She has a husband and is a grown up!! HER RESPONSIBILITY is to feed clothe etc her own children!! There is help
via school or social work if she’s that hard up. I suspect she just sees her sisters kids at private school and expects their are loaded and is jealous and doesn’t appreciate just how much most parents with kids at private school have to juggle finances and do without!! I expect your sisters finances are actually better than yours! She won’t have to think about buying a coffee here and there but when you have most of your monthly ££ going on school and school stiff you have to count every penny however good your finances are!

say NO and tell her you aren’t an atm and you’ve given her money in the past which wasn’t even attempted to be returned I guess? Your sister had 3 children and her and her children need to grow up and take responsibility for them!!

I get it about OPs sister and that she has 3
children, her responsibility and all that. But those that think it is better for her to rely on the state rather than to ask if family can help, don’t you see that is part of the problem with societies expectation and dependency on the state.

@mumlifeischaos1990 it is obviously your call, you owe nothing to your sister. You are
not close. You know the full story with your sister and only you can make that call. Asking whether AIBU on the limited info you have given is unreasonable.

I don’t think she should rely on the state. I think she should have planned properly before she had three children, for all eventualities, and rely on herself and her children’s father.

Ignore posters who say you should help. You look after your own family. The uniform for your kids cost more than you budgeted for. You don't have the money, simple as that.
Your sister chose to have three kids it's down to her to pay for their uniform. Do her and her husband not have a credit card?
You are not mean OP, you are just doing right by your kids. I dislike people like her, she expects you to sub her and on past experience she won't pay you back, she did not even offer this time. Her family finances are solely down to her and husband. She probably gets child benefit and she should have saved for the kids uniform. She knew she would need to buy it.
I have been in a position where money was tight but I never asked people to buy my children's uniform.

YANBU. Tell her to pay for her own children. It’s not your responsibility,

I cannot fathom how people think that it’s OP’s responsibility to clothe her sister’s kids. Or that she can afford it simply because her own children are at private school. Private school is expensive = you’ve spent all your money on it and may not have spare cash. Privately educating your child doesn’t mean you’re in a position to give away any money to others. Quite the opposite in many cases!

Who knows if she’s genuinely struggling to get the uniforms or not, but her logic isn’t based on her own need it’s based on a supposition about the OP’s ability to help.