I'm refusing to help my sister pay for her children's school uniform

[mumlifeischaos1990]

My sister has 3 children and this year all of her kids are going to school, her youngest is starting nursery because my sister needs to go back to work. My sister and her husband struggle a little bit financially, hence why my sister needs to go back to work. Obviously it's that time of year where everybody is buying school uniform. Which can be extremely expensive. So my sister asked me if I could help her with the cost of the uniform.

Now her reason for asking me was that me and my DH can afford to send our children to private school. So my financial situation is different than my sisters financial situation. And of course I would love to help my sister...however I just spent almost £2,000 on my kids school uniform this year, which was more than I was expecting however they've both recently gone through a growth spurt and their school is very strict about uniform. And I can't really justify spending more money on school uniforms this month, cause I do still have a budget each month. So I politely told my sister that sorry I won't be able to help her, however I could help her look for shops that have shirts, skirts, tight, etc for a much cheaper price.

Of course my sister didn't overreact when I told her, but she definitely seems a bit annoyed at me.

Well I couldn’t do that to my sister but you obviously have a very different relationship with yours .

If I could afford private school and my nieces and nephews were going without basics I’d help out. I wouldn’t need to be asked tbh. It’s the right thing to do.

I’m not saying cause yourself financial hardship. But honestly if you’d just bought one skirt or dress less you’d probably be able to kit your nephews and nieces out in Asdas finest.

Maybe because it usually costs thousands to send a child there. I would have thought that the OP could afford to help out her own kin. But there we are.

Thank goodness your kids are OK in their ridiculously overpriced uniform!

Help your nieces and nephews. You can obviously afford it.

Can't imagine any school where kitting out 2 kids (who are already at the school and therefore must have some stuff that still fits??) could possibly come to £2k.

The list you have is the one when you are kitting kids out to go to a brand new school - no one ever needs it all at the same time again?

And no - I can't imagine flinging my own money around to the extent where I was gong to have to budget for food for the rest of the month and couldn't give my sister something towards new uniforms if she was struggling.

But you do you. Hope you take pride in how shiny your kids will look.....

Yeah, you're not much of a sister IMO

I don't know. I assume you think she is either feckless with money, shouldn't have had a 3rd child if they can't afford it or that she is one of life's takers if you don't want to help her? I have bank-rolled a lot of things for one of my siblings as my financial circumstances were (aren't now) better than their's so I can't imagine not wanting to help out if I could especially as your nieces/nephews could be embarrassed if they don't get the correct uniform and buying cheap shoes never ends well.

Op are you saying that if your uniform only came to £1k you’d have willingly helped your sister out?

Your nieces and nephews need clothes, you help them have clothes. You go to Asda etc and buy them all some basic school uniform.

we clothed (and fed) our niece for many years to make sure she had everything she needed.

Do you not have ANY savings at all?

Are you sure you can afford private school if things are so tight?

I agree you shouldn't share your monthly budget on here. but reading this I think in a way you and your sister are in the same position. You thought the uniform for two was going to cost a lot less than it did....you were a bit shocked at how much was required and how quickly it all added up - and so did your sister.

So maybe its not just a case of her being feckless as some have implied.

Uniform prices, especially uniform like blazers with school badges, usually have to be bought at specialist shops and they always cost more than we thought they were going to cost, and prices have risen anyway.

It wasn't too bad for your sister when they were all at primary school... but secondary requires a whole new uniform... and if they've all zoomed up over the holidays it's not just a jumper or two but the whole lot, then that's probably come as a shock to her too.

I think if you could find a way to help her out, with even a contribution towards it, then it would be a very kind and generous thing to do.

With family, it's not always about money. I'm sure your sister would remember this and be there for you in an emergency or for a coffee and a chat. She's your sister and her children are your children's cousins... some people aren't lucky enough to have that.

This. Unfortunately, lots don’t seem to understand that many in private school still have a budget and don’t have piles of spare cash lying around. Uniform for 3 children, including shoes, could add up to hundreds. Many families, including those at private school, don’t have that lying around spare.

I agree. We have 2 DGC in private school, for 2 we are looking at under half that. OP’s DC, must be in all of the sports clubs and playing multiple instruments to ratch up a £2K uniform bill. Maybe a designer or two thrown in there.

The fact that OP is now budgeting for this month’s outgoings as a result is interesting. What will happen when the additional costs of school travel and replacing broken laptops,
wrap around, school bus, clubs, etc, etc kick in. Maybe she could ask her sister for a bit of help.

No, money doesn’t grow on trees and even the wealthy have to budget, but helping a family member out for something like school uniforms won’t leave OP and her family starving.

MN extrapolation at it’s best

What a privileged position you are in OP, if I were you I'd be more than happy to help out, in fact I'd have offered help before she had to ask.
I think you're mean.

Well why the hell did she decide to have 3 kids that she can’t afford? I mean if you start giving for the uniform where will it end?

It’s not the OP’s responsibility. Sister obviously knew she would need 3 lots of uniform so why didn’t she plan for it 🙄

I’m in a couple of minds about this. I get cross when schools have mad requirements for expensive uniform (and £2k is mad). I do know people who do have to spend £1k+ per child when they start a new school. It’s silliness - it doesn’t improve outcomes.

It would be easy for me to say that I would buy the sister’s uniform / give her my last £20 etc. without knowing more it really is hard to say whether I would buy the uniform. It may be that the sister often expects a lot of help and this is the last straw. A friend’s sister used to want a load of childcare favours - each one seemed insignificant but they really added up after a while.

If you do help with the uniform then do it as a gift, not a loan. You won’t get it back.

So you're both in exactly the same position, except you had to spend 10 times your sister's budget. Perhaps you should see if your school has a second hand uniform sale or you could sell your hand me downs to generate a little extra cash for yourself.

It’s very difficult being better off than siblings especially if you become the one expected to bail family out. I have bought various white goods, medication, paid for weekends away and done things like pay for everyone for a family lunch out. this was not a loan ever and I and they knew it.

I no longer do this. I did for a few years. It became a pattern and it was expected.

The Salvation Army shops are giving away free school uniform at the moment for anyone having a difficult time.

We all grew up poor, I’m not going in to choices made by my sisters but needless to say some of them were really obviously very bad when we were young.

If myself and my husband could comfortably afford private school fees for our children and £2000 on their uniform for this academic year, I can’t believe begrudging giving my sister money for her children’s school uniform. It’s like gonna be what £40- £50 max for state school uniform?

In fact, knowing my sister was struggling financially for essential items for her children would mean she would never have to be in a position to ever ask me for money to help with school uniform. I would be helping her out/offering financially for essential things she needs for her children like uniform, stationery, small trips etc. automatically. She wouldn’t even need to be asking me. We are not talking about crazy amounts here and budget or not, your financial position dwarfs hers. It’s not about feeling forced or obliged or guilted into giving her money but if you’re close to your sister and nieces and nephews then why not?! You’ll barely even feel such amounts but it would make such a huge difference to her kids.

It's ok not to give your DS help, but at every private school I know there's almost a status symbol in the more hands a uniform has passed through the better. My DIL said it was seen as cool to have multiple name tags in your blazer, buying new was seen as only for new money.

Well if £500 school uniform means you are struggling to afford food and petrol, I suggest maybe private school is the wrong choice.

yes private school is great and all, but I really don’t understand people prioritizing it over affording basic living costs.

private school is optional. Feeding your kids isn’t.

She needs to learn to budget. Her husband works and if they’re on a low wage, they’ll get benefits, child benefit etc which they can use for uniform.

OP, I would buy the shoes for her children.
The uniforms, if you can't help your sister with uniforms at least buy the shoes.
Shoes are so expensive and will make a world of difference to the children aswell as your sister.

If you can afford a school where just the uniform is £2000 pounds you are VERY well off. Now of course your can set up a lifestyle where you spend to the end of your means each month, whether your monthly income is £1 or £100,000, but assuming your sister is struggling with normal uniform costs, you shouldn't be surprised that she is upset that your kids get so much more than hers and you can't even help her with essentials.