I'm refusing to help my sister pay for her children's school uniform

[mumlifeischaos1990]

My sister has 3 children and this year all of her kids are going to school, her youngest is starting nursery because my sister needs to go back to work. My sister and her husband struggle a little bit financially, hence why my sister needs to go back to work. Obviously it's that time of year where everybody is buying school uniform. Which can be extremely expensive. So my sister asked me if I could help her with the cost of the uniform.

Now her reason for asking me was that me and my DH can afford to send our children to private school. So my financial situation is different than my sisters financial situation. And of course I would love to help my sister...however I just spent almost £2,000 on my kids school uniform this year, which was more than I was expecting however they've both recently gone through a growth spurt and their school is very strict about uniform. And I can't really justify spending more money on school uniforms this month, cause I do still have a budget each month. So I politely told my sister that sorry I won't be able to help her, however I could help her look for shops that have shirts, skirts, tight, etc for a much cheaper price.

Of course my sister didn't overreact when I told her, but she definitely seems a bit annoyed at me.

That’s her choice to make. She doesn’t work to subsidise her sister’s family.
She’s had all summer to get uniforms organised.

No, just reasonable planning before she got pregnant.

“Can I afford three lots of school uniform?”

Yes - go ahead and have a third child
No - don’t have the third child.

To be honest I am pleased you are no sibling of mine.
In no way would I see my own nieces or nephews go without or struggling.
If her children are in state schools then I have just kitted out my youngest with trousers, polo shirts, sweatshirts, pe kit, shoes, gym shoes, coat, pe bag and book bag for less then £100.
Whether it would mean me having to budget or not I would be helping because I am certain she would not be asking you if she did not need to.

@RedToothBrush OP was responding to people asking why she had to spend £2000 on uniform. Not asking for sympathy.

That’s rubbish, It doesn’t sound like OP is struggling or moaning, but is just budgeting this month due to extra expense. She may have savings but doesn’t want to dip into those. Her sister needs to learn to budget.

OP can afford what she needs for her own children, including private school and budgets for that, but she shouldn’t have to plan for paying for her sisters kids too.

Not really the point of the post, but it very much depends on the school. It’s not difficult to run up a £1k bill per child for many private schools if everything needs replacing at the same time. Our prep school wasn’t that expensive, but secondary is (by the time you’ve bought blazer/trousers/shirts/ties, plus sports kit and equipment like hockey sticks, and then school shoes and sports shoes and normal trainers on top of that).

I think it's appropriate in this kind of situation to ask the parents at Christmas and birthdays if gifts that are needs rather than wants (shoes etc) would be helpful, but I wouldn't buy school uniform in this case because that's potentially a decade and a half of requests if the DSis and her DH keep asking! 3 kids is expensive.

£50 for school uniform, including shoes and coats…? Try four times that.

Exactly. These threads always being out the nasty posts and posters with a chip on their shoulder.

OP isn’t moaning about the costs. She paid for what her kids need due to the choices she’s made. OPs sister needs to budget better for the 3 kids she has.

Maybe she could when she had the children. Do people not understand that situations can change? We don't know exactly what is going on here, other than that she is struggling at the moment, as are lots of people. Families should be helping each other, where possible.

I am a full grown person and I don't even spend £2000 on clothes for an entire year.

That being said, as per your initial post.

You are not being unreasonable to say no - She should have budgeted correctly, she knew that the kids would need this stuff well in advance and there are alternatives to buying new.

On the other hand, you're spending £2000 on your own kids and presumably hers aren't going to a private school that needs all this fancy stuff then you could probably clothe them all for about £150 or less?

Maybe that’s the reason WHY she doesn’t have any savings.

I have no savings. When my washing machine broke down, I had to wash our clothes in the bath for two months.
I couldn’t afford to go to a laundrette.

My sister is incredibly wealthy because she’s worked very hard for it.
It didn’t cross my mind for one second to ask for her help.

Eventually, I asked my mum if she’d get it from VERY on an interest free basis and I’d make the payments.

I didn’t have and wouldn’t have got a credit card so I was stuffed.

Plenty of people don’t have savings or credit cards.

I'd be frustrated at your sister's poor financial planning OP. I notice you said "My sister and her husband struggle a little bit financially, hence why my sister needs to go back to work". Why did she wait till they were struggling? Why not work all along? Being a SAHP is a luxury most of us can't afford.

I grew up in a poor neighbourhood and their some of the most generous people you'll meet because they know what it's like to go without so they have empathy for others in the same situation ❤️

I can't get past your daughter needing a "few skirts and dresses". We have a mix in our family of private educated, state, lower incomes etc so I have no opinion on your choice but how many outfits does one child need?

Given that she is going back to work so clearly does have a plan to improve their situation I would like to think in your position I could spare £100 or so. Even if you choose to claw it back from presents in the next year its still a helpful and supportive thing to do at an expensive time.

I think it sounds rather mean when you're obviously on a high income not to help a little.

I look forward to OP telling us what her sister does to help her (doesn’t need to be financial).

I suspect, based on her posts, the answer could well be “nothing” but I’d be glad to be proven wrong

You have absolutely no idea what her financial situation and obligations are.
How she chooses to spend her own money and what she prioritises is up to her.

Going back to school is not a surprise event. The sister has had at least 6 weeks to prepare.

There are plenty of free/very low cost options available to her.

WHY should she? Why can’t the sister do the very thing you’re suggesting the OP does?

Has something happened in your sister’s life that means she can’t afford it this time or is it always the same

If it’s your last tenner, then what are you going to live on?
It’s hardly rocket science.

OP says her sister (with whom she's not particularly close) has previously asked for help with money and wasn't asking for a loan, but rather a gift. This tells me that her sister is probably (at least sometimes) irresponsible with money and feels that OP is her emergency fund.

If she were asking for a loan (and could be trusted to pay it back eventually), I'd suggest helping her out, but it's not right to expect someone else to cover the cost of your children's school uniforms outright, unless they make the offer themselves. It's not exactly a surprise expense and there are ways to make it work.

And just because some people have a close relationship with their sister/brother and view their nephew/nieces as almost the same as their own kids doesn't mean everyone is that way. I doubt her sister treats OP's children like her own or would be eager to take financial responsibility for them if OP ran short of money.

You sound really mean. Just buy your nieces and nephews their uniforms. It won’t amount to another £2000 that’s for sure. Imagine what it took for your sister to ask.

This. If the sister can’t afford cheap uniforms then she needs to contact those agencies that maybe able to help.

How do you know it’s buttons to her? The OP hasn’t shared her monthly income and budget, has she?

And no, my DC don’t go to a private school but if the OP chooses to send hers to one, that’s up to her.

We have no idea what financial compromises she may had had to make.