Boomer parents who don't help their children

[hoarderofthedough]

I will preface this by saying that my own Boomer parents DID help me and my sibling, and I will be forever grateful. They were wonderful.

BUT.....my DH's mother, on the other hand is the opposite, and it's giving me the rage. I wondered whether anyone else had experienced similar?

She is super rich, and by that I mean a multi millionaire. She lives in a 6 bed mansion, has around 8 properties that she rents out, providing an income of circa £10k a month, and she lavishes it ALL on herself and her boyfriend.

Her daughter (my SIL) lives in a tiny house in an awful (dangerous) part of town, and doesn't have a pot to piss in. Scrimping and saving, not able to put the heating on in winter, no treats ever - and all the while MIL is jet setting to exotic holidays, always in business class....with not one thought for her DD and grandkids welfare.

On the rare occasions we meet up for a meal, MIL will let DH and SIL pay. Or at best the bill will be split - but never are we treated with her paying. However, she is very happy to treat her boyfriend to lots of things.

She's almost 80 now, and still has no thoughts of gifting money to avoid inheritance tax.

Anyone else experience this? I find it truly baffling, because if I was in her position I would be filtering down money to my adult kids regularly.

Indeed. That's why I don't want a penny from my mum. She may need it. My gran died at 97!

I'm trying to save what I can for my care needs at home. When I finally have to go into a care home, I don't expect that the 150k from my house will go very far.

However, as a previous poster has kindly shared my hope that I won't be in it for very long, that'll solve the problem.

Curious that she extolled the virtues of her own family whilst still expressing the desire for all Boomers to hurry up and shuffle off this mortal coil.

I hope the AC of all these wealthy people who successfully avoided inheritance tax aren't complaining about the lack of social care when their parents need it - someone has to pay taxes to fund social care.

For me I want to help my kids as much as I can now, while I still have my faculties, so if or when the time comes and I have to use my house to pay for my care, my kids will be financially stable enough to not ‘need’ an inheritance. So if I can give now to help set them up, all the better.

Thing is care homes have a mix of private payers and government funded payers so it’s not like you’ll be getting a different tier of care from your house funds. I expect there are some ‘luxury’ care homes exclusively for the privately funded but they’re probsbly exceptionally expensive. My intention is to downsize and give my kids any excess I have from the next house (which may not be much as I have to split equity with ex).

It’s not that easy. If Mil had more savings it would be so much better for her and the family. But good luck, I hope the system is better for you and your family when the time comes. Our family are on their knees.

The government will take 40% of anything over £1 million. Is that not enough for your DP?

I have a fear of going into a care home so I’m hoping something else will take me before that happens. Care home fees are eye watering. I sometimes think, as long as the issue isn’t dementia, it would be cheaper to just live in a hotel.

Well at least that’s something my kids won’t have to deal with. Anything they get (if there’s anything left in the pot) will be well below that. I expect very rich people (billionaires) must have a whole teams of lawyers sorting their wealth out, it’s probably very convoluted. My will is very simple, 50% each to my kids of whatever, if anything, is left.

So far they've had help with house deposit, cars, holidays from one set of parents, but that's not enough is it? And they are not suggesting anyone should give what they can't afford, I mean they can if they want to (heaven forbid they are that unreasonable - they'll allow their parents enough to live off, if they insist) but hand over everything else if you don't mind! But now the poor souls are looking at an inheritance of over £1million and they are on here whinging about not getting the money now.

Those damned parents and their terrible savings habit that will leave the dh in the £££. I'm not surprised they're complaining - that's a totally awful situation they're in. Much sympathy, I totally get it - bloody boomers.

And that's exactly it - choices!! MIL will not go into a care home and the social services will only provide so much care and it's not enough and if you release equity they provide nothing - the situation is very distressing for the whole family - I can't tell you how much grief and heartache the family has been through and MIL does not know the half of it. Witnessing this situation I would never put my kids through this - ever!!! Sil has had a mental breakdown - possibly heading for a second and that's just the start of it. I expect MIL never thought things would be like this - no one did, it's awful.

I know - that’s certainly the case for care homes in my region.

I really can’t downsize. I’d be lucky to get 150k for my house and if I did find a suitable accessible flat, the moving costs etc would obliterate any profit.

As it is, I have a downstairs bedroom and wet room here. (Needed for my mum and then my late husband).

That's true and you might get lucky - you might have that critical fall, that last emergency at the right time when there is a place at one of the nice, local care homes - it worked out that way for my mother - she was very lucky - but she was put into some pretty awful places, several times for rehab following a fall.

There's no guarantees that you'll get placed locally too - we were told MIL could be placed in a care home 50 miles away - you have little options. Maybe you think your choices don't matter and your kids matter more - I hope they don't think this way.

If you pay you get to decide when you and your family can no longer cope with independent living on your terms - you have the power to choose somewhere nice and somewhere close by, so maybe you might get the odd visitor. You have options. I value options - they are all you have left in the end.

I don't get it, I'd be helping my kids

I keep channeling Joan Collins in the hope I’ll be a ‘vivacious’ 93 yr old still strutting my stuff in high heels and a younger man on my arm 😁

I’m only interested in the young man if he does the gardening, cooking, cleaning, driving…

Of course. 😁

You’d need her money for that.

Darn, I knew there’d be a blip in my plan somewhere. 🙇‍♀️

😂

Well, if you acquire it (via the lottery, etc) remember not to give it away. nods

Not even in the socialist countries in the 1980s (I went on a year abroad there) were people feeling so entitled to other people's money as in today's UK.

Well at 80, not sure much point in giving it now as may not live the 7 years. Does your DH ever speak to her about her will? How old is SIL? Seems unlikely she is less than 45.

There was no internet though so we wouldn’t really have known, other than our own immediate circle. Internet means you can know the thoughts and attitudes of people you’ll never meet and who live hundreds or even thousands of miles away. Look at the White Farm murders in 1986, entire family wiped out for an inheritance.

I think this is one of the best things you can do for your adult children - plan well for your retirement and old age, so good on you. My parents have planned poorly (and not through giving it away to us), so I'm doing different. I don't want that pressure put on my children.

I just find the attitude on many threads that says 'we don't have to lift a finger to help our parents in old age', while at the same time holding a hand out for house deposits, to be quite disgusting.