Boomer parents who don't help their children

[hoarderofthedough]

I will preface this by saying that my own Boomer parents DID help me and my sibling, and I will be forever grateful. They were wonderful.

BUT.....my DH's mother, on the other hand is the opposite, and it's giving me the rage. I wondered whether anyone else had experienced similar?

She is super rich, and by that I mean a multi millionaire. She lives in a 6 bed mansion, has around 8 properties that she rents out, providing an income of circa £10k a month, and she lavishes it ALL on herself and her boyfriend.

Her daughter (my SIL) lives in a tiny house in an awful (dangerous) part of town, and doesn't have a pot to piss in. Scrimping and saving, not able to put the heating on in winter, no treats ever - and all the while MIL is jet setting to exotic holidays, always in business class....with not one thought for her DD and grandkids welfare.

On the rare occasions we meet up for a meal, MIL will let DH and SIL pay. Or at best the bill will be split - but never are we treated with her paying. However, she is very happy to treat her boyfriend to lots of things.

She's almost 80 now, and still has no thoughts of gifting money to avoid inheritance tax.

Anyone else experience this? I find it truly baffling, because if I was in her position I would be filtering down money to my adult kids regularly.

Hear hear!

Well many of us would have loved to Sean about abroad for 20 years but we knew it wasn’t the best financial decision. She chose to do it, had little or no savings as a consequence and now you want her mother to give her money? Why should she?!

She's not expecting it....she's just pointing things out. I personally couldn't sleep at night self indulgently spending £10k a month on myself and not helping my children. It's anathema to me.
I think you're calling the wrong person greedy in this scenario

Have word with her yourself. I couldn't my family struggling.

You say we are detached but I am not claiming to know exactly the life challenges of younger people. Whereas there are plenty of people we on this thread which are apparently experts about what was going on in all sectors of society before they were born,, how much we earned, how much houses cost etc etc. I don't know if it's social media or what but I would never have claimed to, for example, know what went on during the war, better than the people who lived through it. Time and again I am seeing posts that tell me I am wrong in my recall of the 70s 80s 90s. By people who were not there.

My dad's 80 and when he won on the horses he sent every one of his adult children £5. Im the youngest DC at 40. I cant imagine not sharing what I have with my DC, so i think YANBU

If I was rich I’d treat my adult kids. My 86 yo mum treats me regularly and she doesn’t have much. It’s just nice

YANBU.

I don't care if it's her money and her choice, if you watch your daughter living in poverty and choose not to help when you could, you're a POS.

Wow you are bitter

Made up post!
Got everyone arguing about dreadful ‘boomers’ which is just the result the OP wanted.🙄🙄

I have similar with my parent. Exceptionally wealthy and exceptionally cruel. Sent me a cheque for £30 for my birthday a few years ago, but didnt sign it - wanting me to phone and ask/beg them to sign it. They are a multi millionaire. This was 10 years ago. I put it in the bin. We are NC now. If you dont like this woman.or her ways, dont indulge her. When with her dont talk about money and certainly not hers - dont feed her need to flaunt it. If you must dine with her pick what you can afford, would enjoy and dont pay a penny of her share, including tip.

My mum came into a significant of money as an older adult through an unexpected inheritance- she was also mortgage free and benefitted from a good standard of living. In the 80s my dad worked a normal 9-5 and mum worked very part time but they had a decent income and owned a house with no money worries.
They were also shit parents, neglectful and selfish and both spent most of their money in the pub. Due to their neglect for various reasons I don’t manage to finish school properly and because they made life at home unbearable I had to move into various flat shares and do bar work to put a roof over my head. There was no opportunity to learn to drive or go to uni etc.
I fell pregnant young and unexpectedly ( my own fault but again, seeking love and validation) but my Mum has not once helped me financially. She’s seen me struggle for the basics, live without white goods, live in a mouldy flat and have to move several times due to private landlords but has never once offered help despite having plenty of spare resources emotionally and financially
Thankfully life is different for us now and I completely respect that it’s her money to do with what she wishes. I hope she also respects that I spent so many years struggling, that I won’t be offering her any care or support during the time I can now enjoy life a bit more.
Everyone is completely entitled to their own life choices but there are often consequences.

Another Bash a Boomer post.
Getting really tedious!

I’m 70, youngest of three. My parents didn’t give us money, their parents didn’t give them money, I’ve never given my AC money. My three are all successful, high or very high earners, with lovely homes and massively more than I ever had. They earned it themselves and I’m incredibly proud of them all.

You should be! I can imagine that's very satisfying.

I was just reading another thread about how we don't owe any help to our aging parents and they need to look after themselves, etc. Then bounced back to this one. If that's the attitude of children that they won't even lift a finger to make a phone call to a service to help their parents, I can see why the Boomer parents might not feel inclined to help their selfish children. I don't think people need to do extreme care for parents but to not do the bare minimum to make sure they are okay, while holding hands out for house deposits - this generation is no better really.

This is the expectation I grew up with. I have no problem with it but I think I'm the first to be more generous with my grown children.

I hope you treat her too!

I completely agree with you OP . My DP’s are incredibly generous . My DF died earlier this year but was the most generous man ever to everyone . My DM continues to be the same. I never ask for anything but they have gifted us house deposits, money towards cars, paid for holidays etc . I’m not suggesting anyone should give what they can’t afford but my DP’s parents are reasonably wealthy too but have never given him a penny and never will. When he eventually inherits from them, the government will take 40% tax which his DP’s are aware of but presumably would rather that than to gift him anything at all in advance .
Makes no sense to me and thankfully we will never be like that with our DC.

I'm 63 and classed as a "boomer," I'm in HA property and live week to week. We didn't all get the same opportunities with housing.

Just to be clear - the 40% rate only kicks in after they have handed over £1million to your dh. So he gets to keep £1million and 40% tax is payable on the rest. And you are complaining that you are not getting more?
Such privilege and such little gratitude.

Your posts are so full of bitterness they have become parody. Unless you know otherwise you too will be enjoying your care home in years to come.

OP should take her to McDonalds or buy her a Tesco Meal Deal. I wouldn’t be treating such a miserly woman to a lunch in a restaurant if she never wants to return the favour. If someone is struggling financially then I have all the sympathy in the world because I’ve been there too many times, but now I’m in a better place I love taking my adult kids out to lunch or unexpectedly treat them to something. They haven’t an entitled bone in their bodies, so it gives me huge enjoyment to treat them.

Many women ' boomers' - especially working class and ethnic minority- did not get the opportunities they should have.
I know more such women than jetsetting millionaires.

Quite a few people seem to believe that if they pass on their wealth to their kids in good time social services will fund their care needs. My mil is 90 - and the quality of care and choices social services offer is well below what mil wants and needs. She's spent all her savings on care and she is now raising equity in her home to pay for the care she wants and needs (we'll probably have to pay the rest when the equity runs out) - I'm so glad she did not give all her funds away to her AC - what choices would she be left with now?

Dh and I have planned to pay for our old age care - the AC will get what's left over when we're dead. We won't need them to care for us - we've saved so they don't have to and that truly is a gift - believe me!