AIBU to not invite my 20 year old son on a trip with his siblings?

[vhydr]

Long one, sorry.

Back in March I found out my husband was having an affair with a much younger colleague. 26 years together. I was devastated, still am honestly. We have four kids my eldest is a son, 20, then a son, 19, then a daughter, 17, and my youngest, a daughter, 15. I moved out with the younger three. My eldest son chose to stay with his dad.

I never wanted my kids to pick sides. But I won't lie, it stung. I expected a bit of loyalty, not because he owes me anything as his mother, but because his dad cheated on me and lied to my face for who knows how long. My eldest told me I was "breaking up the family" by leaving. That one really got me.

My other son and both daughters are angry at their dad too, but they came with me and we've been doing okay. Therapy, lots of time together, dinners, days out. Financially we're fine, both high earners, so at least that's not a factor.
My eldest tried reaching out a few times and I'll admit I went quiet on him for a bit. I wasn't ignoring him out of hate, I was just raw.

Then my younger daughter graduated last month and she chose not to invite her eldest brother, she invited their dad instead. He was hurt, said something angry to her, it turned into a whole sibling blowup, his brother and sister ganged up on him. It's been tense since.

He's told me he doesn't think he'll ever be okay if I date or remarry one day. Says he wants nothing to do with a "blended family." I'm not seeing anyone, not looking to either, but that's clearly already a fault line with him.

Last week I took my younger son and two daughters away for the summer, posted a few photos. He saw them and texted "you could have invited me mama, but it's okay, I'm not your son anymore because your actions are making sure of that. I feel like I have no family and everyone hates me, I'm the outsider."

That gutted me. He's still my son and I love him. But he's also an adult who chose to stay with the parent who broke this family, and I didn't think to include him this time given where things stand with his sisters.

So, AIBU?

Do you have children?

I would have invited him. Your son seems to be bearing the brunt of your anger at exh and that's unfair. You shouldn't have expected any of your children to pick sides you put them in an impossible situation. As the eldest he would have felt an enormous responsibility to have stayed with his father because you went with the other three and then you cut him loose despite his efforts.I think you need to reconsider using your children as pawns and apologise to your edest and try and rebuild your relationship before it's too late.

I can't imagine what one of my kids could do for me to turn my back on them, living with their dad certainly isn't worth driving them away. Why would a grown adult be sulking about picking sides.

@Newyearawaits

this! Who does he think he is trying to dictate to his mother that she should stay single for ever?!

Oh for goodness sake.

Have you ever said anything that later on you changed your mind about? Adjusted to a new set of circumstances?

If you dont want to end up estranged you need to have a proper sit down convo with him and be an adult.

Some of what he has said is nonsense / not okay.

demanding what you can and cant do smacks of misogyny but equally you dont need to tell him you are on hinge lookong for happiness with a new love.

I cant imagine why anyone would care about missing their siblings graduation and also why he'd want to go on holiday with his siblings with things as there... you can discuss this sensibly.

That is utter nonsense.

Why should the OP be expected to tolerate the vile narratives he insists on peddling?

The younger children have shown rather more sense, and she is quite rightly shielding them from his repugnant behaviour. The OP has, with considerable grace, arranged therapy to address the damage already done.

Why, then, should she welcome him back only for him to trample over the progress they have worked so hard to make?

I can't help but feel you are weaponising your kids in this. While feeling desperately sorry for what has happened to you.

My children have been raised with sufficient manners not to address me in such a discourteous manner. Were they ever to forget themselves, there would be proper consequences.

You shouldn't have ignored him and you shouldn't have left him out of anything. He is allowed to choose to stay with his father, he may have just wanted to stay in familiar surroundings with more space .

Your DD should have invited him to graduation.

You need to tell DS that after his father had an affair, you had no choice but to move out as he had effectively ended the marriage when he started the affair.

Also tell DS that he cannot dictate your future life, you are as entitled as his father is, to make a new life for yourself.

I don't know if there are any cultural issues here, as he does sound very misogynistic.

You can all rescue this, but you all need to talk and listen to each other, and he in particular needs to know that his comments are not true and not acceptable.

No doubt this filth is coming from his father, and he clearly supports it.

Crass and vile.

Of course the OP is rightly very hurt at her husbands disgusting betrayal, but her children are not just dealing with his betrayal, they are dealing with the break up of the family unit.

OP is an adult and should seek therapy to help her get through this, and to ensure she doesn't unconsciously indulge in parentification of her children, which is catastrophically damaging to children.

My son's friends family are going through this and they are 18-22 years old, and the upset has been frankly horrific.

Having your family blown up by infidelity is hard to quantify pain wise, unless you witness it up close, or are going through it.

So no then.

The end of the marriage didn’t just hurt you, but hurt your children as well. Did he say hurtful things to you? Yes, because he was raw too, and raw people flail and lash out. He needed space to get a grip on his emotions too. He wanted his family, the life and stability he’d always taken for granted as being safe and whole, to remain intact, and probably thought that if you could just forgive his father everything would be okay. He’s emotionally immature, yes, but he’s young and was blindsided.

Your son loves his father, and the relationship she has with him, is an entirely separate one to the relationship you have with your ex. Perhaps he didn’t want to ‘abandon’ his father (what sort of state was your ex in? He could have manipulated your son, or your son may have had genuine cause for concern) and leave him on his own. Was it the case that he wanted to remain in his home too?

Despite what you’ve said about not wanting your children to take sides, you did and do. You give the impression that you saw yourself in competition with your ex for your children, and you didn’t ’win’ with a clean sweep. Your son is now on ‘that’ side, in opposition to you, and so you punish him. If you’re not encouraging the sibling hostility, what are you doing to try and resolve it? Because right now it seems you’re cementing divisions.

‘I’m not your son anymore, mama’ - well done then, I guess. Your message was received. Your ex is to blame for his actions, but you are also responsible for yours, and yours have also inflicted significant damage here. You’ve shown him that he cannot trust the strength of his relationship with you as his parent, or the love that he thought bound you together. You are well on the road to losing him, if you haven’t already. Feel good now? Victorious?

You expect empathy and understanding for yourself, but you’ve extending none to your child.

I have two children who respect me.

I'm aware he was incredibly unkind saying that and out of order to say OP wasn't allowed to date. That's not okay. It's also not okay to ignore your child when they then try to reach out to you. Ultimately though the OP is an adult and ignoring and then excluding her child (even if he's 20 he's still her child) is wrong. A lot of 20 year olds are still immature and I'd hope as a parent you'd still want them in your life.
All that's going to happen is that she's going to lose contact with her eldest and maybe she's okay with that but if not she needs to reach out and start treating him like a son again (rather than someone who sided against her,).

Haven't RTFT but I think OP has behaved poorly towards DC1. You say you didn't expect DC to picks sides, but really you did. You focussed so much on you being the victim and are bitter you didn't get a clean sweep of all DC wanting to stay with you.

For all we know exH has a stronger relationship and DC1 and has been more involved and spent more time wih him. Or perhaps DC1 felt torn that his dad would be lonely.

I think your behaviour and post shows all the focus is on you as a victim and wanting loyalty, and punishing your son.

What your husband did was a crappy thing to do. But never ask your children to take sides, it just isn’t fair. I love both my children equally and also understand that they love their father. If he did something like that I would expect them to be sympathetic to me but not try to fight my battles for me. Your eldest son is feeling alienated. Once you get back meet him 1-2-1 and talk to him about how you feel and hear what he has to say. All the best.

Yes, it's perfectly acceptable to step back from a misogynistic son who blames you for ending your marriage, despite being cheated on.

He is 20, not 12.

@LittleBearPad

shes just said she has children.

he made himself the outsider- he made the wrong choice, he knows it but he wants to blame someone else- don't play.
He is your son not your keeper, if you decide to have a relationship it is literally none of his business
Your eldest son is clearly someone who would rather be the victim than take responsibility for his own actions- this is reflected in his choice only you can do wrong, not his father- he is seeking to emulate his Dad and do what he likes and never have to take responsibility for it, cut him off and don't feel bad about it.

She did. I’m not sure however that anyone with children can possibly have so little empathy for the son.

It is not misogynistic for a child to think that the parent who does not forgive but instead walks out is "breaking up the family". We do not know that he would not have felt the same had the OP had the affair and his father had walked out rather than forgiving. To be honest, re-reading the OP, you are not just being U but YABVU. He wanted you to stay, he wanted it to be like nothing had happened. This is very unreasonable but not surprising. But you absolutely did expect him to pick sides and to leave your ex completely alone as the ultimate punishment and then went cold on your own son when he tried to reach out to you a few times. Yes, your ex is the original source of all this damage but you have really done some of your own there to your son. Ignoring him, going on holiday without him and posting photos for him to see... what were you thinking? I understand that you have been completely devastated by your husband's infidelity but you are being very self-centred here. You say you feel 'gutted' by your son's deep hurt at somehow becoming the family outcast - more unacceptable than even his cheating father - and then go on to justify it by saying he's an adult who didn't pick you.

I will not tolerate misogyny, blackmail or vile comments from anyone, especially not my children.

How do you know his Dad takes no responsibility and does what he likes?