AIBU to not invite my 20 year old son on a trip with his siblings?

[vhydr]

Long one, sorry.

Back in March I found out my husband was having an affair with a much younger colleague. 26 years together. I was devastated, still am honestly. We have four kids my eldest is a son, 20, then a son, 19, then a daughter, 17, and my youngest, a daughter, 15. I moved out with the younger three. My eldest son chose to stay with his dad.

I never wanted my kids to pick sides. But I won't lie, it stung. I expected a bit of loyalty, not because he owes me anything as his mother, but because his dad cheated on me and lied to my face for who knows how long. My eldest told me I was "breaking up the family" by leaving. That one really got me.

My other son and both daughters are angry at their dad too, but they came with me and we've been doing okay. Therapy, lots of time together, dinners, days out. Financially we're fine, both high earners, so at least that's not a factor.
My eldest tried reaching out a few times and I'll admit I went quiet on him for a bit. I wasn't ignoring him out of hate, I was just raw.

Then my younger daughter graduated last month and she chose not to invite her eldest brother, she invited their dad instead. He was hurt, said something angry to her, it turned into a whole sibling blowup, his brother and sister ganged up on him. It's been tense since.

He's told me he doesn't think he'll ever be okay if I date or remarry one day. Says he wants nothing to do with a "blended family." I'm not seeing anyone, not looking to either, but that's clearly already a fault line with him.

Last week I took my younger son and two daughters away for the summer, posted a few photos. He saw them and texted "you could have invited me mama, but it's okay, I'm not your son anymore because your actions are making sure of that. I feel like I have no family and everyone hates me, I'm the outsider."

That gutted me. He's still my son and I love him. But he's also an adult who chose to stay with the parent who broke this family, and I didn't think to include him this time given where things stand with his sisters.

So, AIBU?

Yes, I read it.

I would ignore him, too.

Exactly 💯

He is lashing out because he is hurting !!
And as a mum u don't go cold on your kids never !!
It would have been better if they had gone for a coffee and Op and son had a nice discussion about why it wasn't her fault &explained it all to him in a way he can get his head round it all without turning him against his dad !
Yes dad/hubbi had affair yes.t's wrong but the kids are always innocent in this scenario!
Edit spelling mistake

I would be trying to build bridges. Invite him for dinner, a day out, go out for lunch, a walk. Keep inviting him and tell those that have fallen out to grow up as you find it unacceptable.

you say you don’t want them to choose sides but your actions clearly say the opposite. He didn’t cheat on you, he’s allowed to still love his dad and choose to live there without you taking it as a personal slight. If you want to lose him altogether you’re going the right way about it.

He blamed his mother for breaking up the relationship.

What about the father?

Yes, let the mother be punished for their actions 🙄

That’s incredibly unreasonable to ask children to take sides. He may not like what his Dad did but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love him. I have a 19yr with my ex who was in love with another woman when we were married. I have NEVER mentioned it to her.

I wouldn't have gone quiet on him.
I would have invited him

OP's son has already chosen the side he wanted to align himself with:

A. He moved in with his father, leaving his siblings behind
B. Blaming his mother for ending the relationship

Ludicrous.

As someone else pointed out, he chose to stay in his own home. His parents separated, his siblings moved out. But he might have a job, university, friends, a girlfriend, sports clubs or whatever in the area that he didn't want to lose as well by moving. It's probably not a black or white situation, mum or dad. There's a multitude of reasons behind most choices.

I know you are hurting OP and I understand why. Your son choosing to stay with his cheating father must have been salt in the wound. And he has said some things since which have also wounded you, as he wanted them too because, let’s face it , he is hurting too. And you have been unkind too. So there is meanness on both sides, and there is hurt on both sides, no one has come out of this blameless.

But if you ever want to rebuild the relationship with him you need to do it now, before things get so entrenched and bitter that there is no going back. And because he is 20 with an immature brain, and you are not because you are an adult, I think it is up to you to make the first gesture of reconciliation. A drink in a neutral place, a meal out, a walk in the park. It doesn’t matter, but you need to meet up, just the two of you, and say the things that you both want to say face to face, listen to each other without interrupting, and then both say sorry for the hurt. It will take time, it is not going to be instant, you have a lot of work to do, but as they say, a journey starts with a single step.

Your poor son.

He stayed with his father.

The siblings moved out with their mother.

It’s not unreasonable to stay at his home.

Who knew that one decision meant it was ok for his mother to cut him off.

He is a twenty year old man. He chose to stay with his dad and that’s fine. Your other children have naturally formed a closer bond through living together. The graduation wasn’t your business to sort out. You can offer to meet up for coffees with the eldest son if you like but you need to make clear that his attitude isn’t welcomed and you’re allowed to date just like their dad is.

My eldest tried reaching out a few times and I'll admit I went quiet on him for a bit. I wasn't ignoring him out of hate, I was just raw.

Don't make excuses.

You punished your son. Parent's should never do that.

Your other children saw you doing that and have followed suit and by not inviting him on the holiday you have further excluded him.

Regardless of anything else, that behaviour from you was utterly abhorrent.

I think you have effectively rewarded the children that sided with you with a holiday and punished him by excluding him. That's obviously going to have a huge impact on your eldest, and will scare your younger children off having a good relationship with their dad, even if that's what's best for them.

I'm sure you're really hurt by your ex husband's betrayal. That's not a good reason to encourage your children to take sides though. As a parent, your job is to tell them that you will never expect them to take sides and you will love them regardless of any relationship they have with their dad.

My dad cheated on my mum (when I was younger than your children). I judge him for this, but I'm really grateful that my mum taught me that my relationship with my dad was separate from whatever happened between the two of them. My life would have been negatively affected if I hadn't had a good relationship with my dad, regardless of whether he was unfaithful, and life would still be tricky if I got the impression that my mum wanted me on her 'side'.

OP is evaluating the impact of his actions to prevent further upset towards her other kids.

She is a great mother.

Children do need to be punished.

OP's son needs to be corrected, as his behaviour is unacceptable.

This in abundance
OP, you are being unbelievably unreasonable ++++++

I very much doubt the OP would have cut him off for that “one decision”. Unfortunately he took the second and third decisions to blame his mother for breaking up the family and telling her how to live her life going forward. The OP is allowed to protect herself from this misogynistic narrative while she’s picking up the pieces of her life.

Punished for what??????
Holy Lord

Children need to understand the consequences of their action, and that is a completely different thing from punishment.

Taking your own hurt out on your children, as OP did, is disgraceful and no good parent does that. If you think it is acceptable, then you can jog on and join OP in the 'bad parents monthly' news bulletin.

But I can see you're basically the only person on this thread defending OP. OPs second account, perhaps? 😂

Rubbish.

The OP’s relationship with her exH shouldn’t be trashing her relationship with her children or between the siblings.

But the younger children all know very well the consequences of upsetting mum now don’t they. They’ll get cut off.

She’s not a great mother at all.

He’s hurting
you went quiet on him
you have had lovely bonded time with the other three
you went away without asking him
poor bloke -
put your heart and soul into repairing the relationship- don’t punish him for ‘siding with his dad’
like you say - it’s not about sides -
it’s about coming through a divorce with everyone in tact -
and this son is not -
he’s clearly feeling rejected / abandoned-
own that and work through this with him

For the vile misogynistic narratives spewing from her son's lips.