AIBU to not invite my 20 year old son on a trip with his siblings?

[vhydr]

Long one, sorry.

Back in March I found out my husband was having an affair with a much younger colleague. 26 years together. I was devastated, still am honestly. We have four kids my eldest is a son, 20, then a son, 19, then a daughter, 17, and my youngest, a daughter, 15. I moved out with the younger three. My eldest son chose to stay with his dad.

I never wanted my kids to pick sides. But I won't lie, it stung. I expected a bit of loyalty, not because he owes me anything as his mother, but because his dad cheated on me and lied to my face for who knows how long. My eldest told me I was "breaking up the family" by leaving. That one really got me.

My other son and both daughters are angry at their dad too, but they came with me and we've been doing okay. Therapy, lots of time together, dinners, days out. Financially we're fine, both high earners, so at least that's not a factor.
My eldest tried reaching out a few times and I'll admit I went quiet on him for a bit. I wasn't ignoring him out of hate, I was just raw.

Then my younger daughter graduated last month and she chose not to invite her eldest brother, she invited their dad instead. He was hurt, said something angry to her, it turned into a whole sibling blowup, his brother and sister ganged up on him. It's been tense since.

He's told me he doesn't think he'll ever be okay if I date or remarry one day. Says he wants nothing to do with a "blended family." I'm not seeing anyone, not looking to either, but that's clearly already a fault line with him.

Last week I took my younger son and two daughters away for the summer, posted a few photos. He saw them and texted "you could have invited me mama, but it's okay, I'm not your son anymore because your actions are making sure of that. I feel like I have no family and everyone hates me, I'm the outsider."

That gutted me. He's still my son and I love him. But he's also an adult who chose to stay with the parent who broke this family, and I didn't think to include him this time given where things stand with his sisters.

So, AIBU?

Why did your DD invite her dad to graduation and not her brother? Seems like a strange thing to do given that it was her dad that blew the family apart.

He penetrated another woman, dismantled the relationship and is indoctrinating the son into making distasteful remarks.

Does the father sound responsible?

😂

Poor lad, his family blew up. He stayed with his dad (his relationship and choice of where to live shouldn’t be defined by what happened between his parents) and his siblings and mum seem to be ostracising him for staying with his dad.

You sound like you wanted loyalty but he stayed where he wanted (a fair choice and he shouldn’t have to choose his mum because his dad did something wrong, that’s not right).

If you carry on, you’ll loose you son. He’s only 20, they may be adults but they’re still very young. You’re the adult, don’t leave him out and help rebuild his relationships with his siblings, who sound like they are following your lead.

because he had an affair with a much younger colleague having being "happily" married for 26 years.

Wow how hilarious. No one thinks him having an affair is ok, lots of people do it. But that doesn't mean he isn't sorry or to some extent a good father. Making children choose is horrible and refusing to speak to one because he wants a relationship with his father is pretty low.

@LittleBearPad

well not everyone is the same is you. Not everyone thinks they have to be a martyr as a mother and accept misogyny from their offspring

Yes, it's hilarious you would ask such a question.

it's hard but I don't understand why Kids have this attitude. Its like another thread on here where an 18 year old is making demades about his father's finances. Massive entitlement. I think you should tell your son that he is entitled to his feelings, but needs to be respectful to his family members, and that he does not get to dictate your choices. He's 20, way too old to be behaving like this.

It is exceptionally shit parenting to make your children choose sides. You need to respect the fact that all your children are entitled to a relationship with their father, and to love him.

Obviously he shouldn't have said what he did, but to ignore him and then not take him on the holiday is brutal.

My mother tried to pull a similar stunt when my father left her 20 years ago - now my siblings and I have a great relationship with him but a very strained one with her.

Are people missing the point that this is a 20 year old not a 15 year old?

I think the eldest son sounds quite misogynistic if he blamed the OP for breaking up the family after her husband cheated. He also doesn’t want OP to start another relationship, yet seemingly had no issue with his dad sleeping with a younger woman. He’s old enough to know better, and it sounds like he’s made his bed and now has to lie in it.

I think it is a bit harsh to ignore someone who is reaching out but understand why the OP is hurt by all of this and don't understand why he would be invited on the holiday after all of this.

Yes, indeed.

Let me stand there, strong in my resolve, while I am being cheated on and blamed for dismantling the family, while misogynistic comments are spewed in my face.

😂

Everybody is allowed their own views on this, and you seem to have one view. Are you actually from a separate household? Have your children been through this? Have you been this situation and had to look after your kids through it?

You are punishing him for ' picking his dad's side' when he choose to stay in his home, and not leave with you. You haven't properly forgiven him for deciding to stay in his home. You should not expect children to pick ' sides' when they were old enough to be making the choice they thought was best for them.
You are not even inviting him to join you on the stuff you do with your favoured children. You need to try to rebuild the bridges that you accuse him of burning when he didn't burn it, you took it away

You are not wrong in your view.
I think the OP has every right to firmly defend herself.
Her husband is a cheating twat whom has cheated on his wife AND his children.

The OP has every right to spell this out to her children AND to make it clear that she will not accept blame for implementing consequences for their fathers cheating.

It is surprisingly common.

When this happened 20 years ago to a friend I play tennis with, her two daughters, mid teens at the time, were devastated at their darling father having to leave the family home.
They blamed her for not being able to forgive Daddy his year long affair.

They are now both married with young families themselves, and their views on both parents have long since matured.

They are still fond of Dad but respect wouldn't be the first adjective they'd use to describe him.
They absolutely adore their mother and her strength.
She never badmouthed him despite being deeply hurt, but she wouldn't entertain forgiving him and trying again, when his affair with his younger colleague eventually ended.

A 20-year-old male who clearly aligned himself alongside his adulterous father.

He had already chosen which side he wanted to be on.

I think we will increasingly see this as young men are sucked into the manosphere.

I think you're both a fault.

He has no right to dictate how you live your life. Equally you've been ignoring him and that's hurt him.
You say he's grown up so are your other son and daughter.

You need to be the parent and have a chat with him.

He shouldn't have to pick sides. He should be allowed to love both his parents.

I firmly agree with you and commend your friend's strong resolve.

The OP is shielding her other children from her son's toxicity and vile behaviour. I would not want him around.

I was reading this:
I feel like I have no family and everyone hates me, I'm the outsider.
and I thought, well, mate, you made your choice.

But then I went back and reread your post, and saw this:
My eldest tried reaching out a few times and I'll admit I went quiet on him for a bit. I wasn't ignoring him out of hate, I was just raw.
So did he stop reaching out? Did you reach out to him? Have you reached to him since?

It's only been five months. He is 20, his brain is not formally formed, he will be impulsive, and he may have had many reasons to stay with his dad: nearer his gf/college/work, maybe just him and his dad and not a busy house of six, who knows?

Have you left the door open for him to be with you, or just cut him off? People are allowed to change their minds.

I think your daughter was unfair to just invite her dad, but if you don't do the grown-up thing and reach out to him, a coffee, a conversation, listening to his side, maybe putting your side without rancour, then there will be a rift that will get harder to mend the longer it goes on.

The point you have made about how devastated there were at the time but how much they have come to realise that it's always been mum who is there for them is really relevant. That is what should happen. You let the children have a relationship with the other parent, don't take sides and they will see it for what it is as they grow older. Your talking about 20yrs ago, OP has barely been separated for 6mnths.

Giving grace to your clearly hurting child, you mean.

He’s 20, yes, and with little life experience. He didn’t know how to perfectly navigate the destruction of the family unit he’s always known, and said the wrong things whilst trying to.

It's terribly worrying, too.

To think that women must be martyrs and endure tribulations.

I have two sons and the difference in emotional maturity from 20-25 is really stark.

I think he probably needs the OP's input and parenting more than ever, considering his views and his Twat fathers behaviour.

Women/mothers being held to a higher standard than men/Dads, is surprisingly common IMO.

We can push back hard though and not accept it.

Yet OP is now complaining and wailing that she doesn't know what to do. SHE is facing the consequences of ignoring her son's attempts at contact and then excluding him from a family holiday.