AIBU to not invite my 20 year old son on a trip with his siblings?

[vhydr]

Long one, sorry.

Back in March I found out my husband was having an affair with a much younger colleague. 26 years together. I was devastated, still am honestly. We have four kids my eldest is a son, 20, then a son, 19, then a daughter, 17, and my youngest, a daughter, 15. I moved out with the younger three. My eldest son chose to stay with his dad.

I never wanted my kids to pick sides. But I won't lie, it stung. I expected a bit of loyalty, not because he owes me anything as his mother, but because his dad cheated on me and lied to my face for who knows how long. My eldest told me I was "breaking up the family" by leaving. That one really got me.

My other son and both daughters are angry at their dad too, but they came with me and we've been doing okay. Therapy, lots of time together, dinners, days out. Financially we're fine, both high earners, so at least that's not a factor.
My eldest tried reaching out a few times and I'll admit I went quiet on him for a bit. I wasn't ignoring him out of hate, I was just raw.

Then my younger daughter graduated last month and she chose not to invite her eldest brother, she invited their dad instead. He was hurt, said something angry to her, it turned into a whole sibling blowup, his brother and sister ganged up on him. It's been tense since.

He's told me he doesn't think he'll ever be okay if I date or remarry one day. Says he wants nothing to do with a "blended family." I'm not seeing anyone, not looking to either, but that's clearly already a fault line with him.

Last week I took my younger son and two daughters away for the summer, posted a few photos. He saw them and texted "you could have invited me mama, but it's okay, I'm not your son anymore because your actions are making sure of that. I feel like I have no family and everyone hates me, I'm the outsider."

That gutted me. He's still my son and I love him. But he's also an adult who chose to stay with the parent who broke this family, and I didn't think to include him this time given where things stand with his sisters.

So, AIBU?

A 20-year-old man is a kid?

One has to ask oneself why a grown man would support his father in such circumstances.

YABVVVVVU. You are the mature adult here, he's a naive 20 year old. You have gone quiet on him as punishment and that is unfair.

It sounds like your oldest son is struggling with change. Not wanting to move, not wanting a blended family etc. I think you need to stand up to him more and communicate. This situation isn’t fair on anyone but he is an adult. If you want a relationship with him you need to work on it and start involving him, even in a 1-1 situation. It’s not his fault his dad cheated. I would have probably invited him but it could have been a nightmare if no one got on.

Yes, and I do not blame them.

Be the devoted, upright mother: tend to the children, keep the household running, cook, clean, work, meet every expectation placed upon you — only to be met with your children’s resentment when your partner ultimately chooses to betray you.

Oh, joy!

@Rosecoffeecup

OP can’t force her feelings 🤷‍♀️ Her son hurt her. It’s fine for him to know that.

I never wanted my kids to pick sides.

"I just ignored his attempts at contact because he chose to stay with his father, then didn't invite him on holiday because of an argument with his sister."

But no - nobody's taking sides 🤔

Is he naive?

He knows what his father did, yet feels it is appropriate to punish his mother? Her other kids know better - the younger ones, at that.

'My eldest tried reaching out a few times and I'll admit I went quiet on him for a bit. I wasn't ignoring him out of hate, I was just raw.'

This part - this is the part that struck me. Regardless of why you ignored him, he felt ignored by his mother during a very difficult time. Difficult for all of you.

Consequences go both ways...

100% agree.

Don't punish him for loving his dad he didn't hurt his son he hurt you !
And he obviously knew his dad was gunna be left !
As a mother don't play a victim in front of your son !
That's making him pick a side !
You should not have gone cold on him regardless his dad caused these actions not your son !
Sorry I'm blunt but your son is innocent in all this

@Girlwithavibe

OP is innocent too

Did you ignore the fact that her son tried to reach out to her and she ignored him. He decided to stay with his dad, he didn't do anything to his mum except chose not to live with her. It was the OP who decided to punish him by ignoring him, despite claiming she didn't want her kids to take sides. Clearly meaning I didn't want them to take sides as long as they took my side.

Rubbish. The minute he shagged his mistress, he hurt his entire family unit, not just his wife.

Feels like displacement. I felt sorry for your son when I read this. Wishing you good luck in repairing this rupture - shifty situation all round. I can't imagine the hurt you are feeling but your son isn't the cause of this.

Yes but her actions going forward are horrible

They certainly do.

OP's son chose to live with the adulterous parent and is experiencing the consequences.

He didn’t do anything to his mum? He told her it was her fault the marriage ended, and told her he wouldn’t accept her having a future relationship/blended family. That’s not nothing. That’s rubbing salt into the wound gouged by the cheating father.

So, it's fine for her son to punish her?

@Girlwithavibe

her actions haven’t been horrible. She was hurt and upset by her son’s actions, she went quiet on him, it’s ok for him to know she was upset by his choice. It does no harm at all for him to know his mother is a person in her own right with her own feelings.

I bet some of you on here think OP should stay single for ever to appease her son!!

This

He’s certainly being punished by his mother despite her ‘not wanting anyone to pick sides‘. Her behaviour doesn’t support that however.

Why on earth did you feel the need to "post a few photos", presumably on social media? Talk about rubbing salt in the wound.

It’s been 5 months. Have a little emotional intelligence