AIBU to not invite my 20 year old son on a trip with his siblings?

[vhydr]

Long one, sorry.

Back in March I found out my husband was having an affair with a much younger colleague. 26 years together. I was devastated, still am honestly. We have four kids my eldest is a son, 20, then a son, 19, then a daughter, 17, and my youngest, a daughter, 15. I moved out with the younger three. My eldest son chose to stay with his dad.

I never wanted my kids to pick sides. But I won't lie, it stung. I expected a bit of loyalty, not because he owes me anything as his mother, but because his dad cheated on me and lied to my face for who knows how long. My eldest told me I was "breaking up the family" by leaving. That one really got me.

My other son and both daughters are angry at their dad too, but they came with me and we've been doing okay. Therapy, lots of time together, dinners, days out. Financially we're fine, both high earners, so at least that's not a factor.
My eldest tried reaching out a few times and I'll admit I went quiet on him for a bit. I wasn't ignoring him out of hate, I was just raw.

Then my younger daughter graduated last month and she chose not to invite her eldest brother, she invited their dad instead. He was hurt, said something angry to her, it turned into a whole sibling blowup, his brother and sister ganged up on him. It's been tense since.

He's told me he doesn't think he'll ever be okay if I date or remarry one day. Says he wants nothing to do with a "blended family." I'm not seeing anyone, not looking to either, but that's clearly already a fault line with him.

Last week I took my younger son and two daughters away for the summer, posted a few photos. He saw them and texted "you could have invited me mama, but it's okay, I'm not your son anymore because your actions are making sure of that. I feel like I have no family and everyone hates me, I'm the outsider."

That gutted me. He's still my son and I love him. But he's also an adult who chose to stay with the parent who broke this family, and I didn't think to include him this time given where things stand with his sisters.

So, AIBU?

I agree. My heart broke for him, reading OP's post. That young man deserved absolutely none of this.

You are handling this horribly. Your children should still have a relationship with their father. He may have betrayed you, but unless he abuses them, there is no reason for them to pull away.

It is hard, but you have to accept that they have a different relationship with him than you do.

ostracizing your son makes you the villain in this scenario.

My own experience of being 20 isn't relevant?

Well, this isn’t strictly accurate, is it?

The kids can decide themselves whether they want a relationship with their dad even though he destroyed the family by following his schlong.

Agreed though that the op has really damaged her eldest son. This is a traumatic time for all.

It's very unfair to take your pain and anger out on your 20 year old son. It was your DH who cheated. He is confused and sad.

And you are the adult in this situation, not him. At 20, he's still a kid really.

I think you should do everything you can to make amends with him. I hope you haven't left it too late. This is very sad.

No. Not unless you have been through a divorce or parenting older teens. Most adults struggle with breaks ups, my divorce was probably one of the worst years of my life. Imagine what it’s like for an adult child to get there heads around there are parents splitting up. My daughter is 19yrs and still very much needs to be around for her, not with her all the time but on the end a phone for sure.

You can and should do better sorry. But I've been in his shoes my parents marriage feel apart in exactly the same way my Dad had an affair for 5yrs. My sister and I are older at the time I was 29 and my sister 23 I have a son and she was away with uni at the time so neither of us at home still. However I, as is your son still entitled and needs both parents it's is not fair to make or have your children choose sides based on what's happened to you between you and your husband. Non of that is really anything to do with your children. I didn't agree with what my dad did but he didn't do it to me and he is still my dad I still need him in my life. So refused to side either way it still upsets my mum that I see my dad as my sister doesn't but IMO what happened between them is just that my dad had an affair which isn't right but there were other factors playing a part life isn't black and white and people do the wrong thing sometimes. Life has to go on for everyone around you you can't let what's happening to you impact everyone else had you children been younger you would I hope have shielded them from most of it but being older we're dragged into and it's not right I'm sorry. You should value your relationship with you son more than the drama and allow his life to go on seeing his dad or not you should actively encourage all your children to see their dad regardless of feelings of the situation.

His brain isn’t fully cooked yet, even at 20 so I would ignore some of the things he’s been saying because he isn’t really a fully functioning adult.
If you invited your 19 year old and 17 year old I think you should have invited the 20 year old regardless of where he lived.
Many people don’t pay for adult children to holiday with them, but you’ve excluded your eldest not because he’s an adult but because he chose to stay with his Dad.
You said you went quiet on him because everything was raw so it’s not the first thing he’s been excluded from.
He shouldn’t have said that you were breaking up the family, did your Ex husband try and get you stay or was the affair still ongoing?
If the affair was over and his Dad was begging you stay, that could be why he has blamed you ultimately for the breakdown in the family, not for one second saying you should have stayed but looking at it from his perspective.
I don’t understand why your daughter invited her Dad and not her brother to the graduation, was there a limit on numbers?! If there wasn’t she punished the person staying with her Dad but not her Dad who had the affair in the first place?!
Whilst your Son doesn’t get to comment on aspects of your life, meeting someone new etc he is still your child (although 20) whose only crime was to stay in the family home with his Dad…

I think I would at least have considered inviting him, so long as DD was happy with that after the graduation debacle - if only in the hope that it might help us rebuild bridges and provide an opportunity to understand why he is being so hypercritical of me rather than dad in this scenario.

I have been through a divorce with older step children and my parents did separate when I was a similar age. I had already left home but at 18-19 I knew not to interfere or pick a side. I had my own opinions of course but I kept them to myself.

I agree with this. I am sorry for what happened to you, and your family, your ex is a horrible shitty human but he is still your son’s father. It can be incredibly hard for children (even adult ones!) to suddenly discover their much loved parent is a crap person, it can be very hard for them to reconcile that and they may well not act in ways that seem predictable or ‘fair’. Let’s be honest, none of this is fair, on any of you, but punishing him for ’choosing’ his father when really he just chose to stay in his family home with a parent he loves, regardless of right or wrong, seems cruel to me.

I do have a slightly different viewpoint on his comments too, rather than jumping to ‘he’s a vile misogynistic shit!!’ as many have, could it be that he’s holding you to a different standard to his dad because he already knows his dad isn’t to be relied upon? His father has shown he’s an untrustworthy man and your son seems to be looking for stability and predictability from his other parent. He may well have expressed this poorly, maybe he is coming across as angry and upset (because he is!) but imo he wants you to show him that he’s still as loved and valued as the others… alas, this hasn’t been overly successful.

Stop taking it out on your son he is an innocent party. The only cheat is your exh. You invite your son to things you don’t isolate him.

I was made to go through a hideous divorce when my parents divorced, it’s had repercussions for over 30 years. it’s never the kids fault.

Absolutely this. At 20 he is not a fully emotionally developed adult, but neither is he a 5 year old boy. He should be grown up enough to be told that he was incredibly selfish and unreasonable, and that he should have considered that his mother has feelings, too. OP, you should not be expected to sacrifice yourself on the altar of doing everything that's best for the children (and never mind the damage to yourself). However, this has gone on long enough, and it's time for a conditional olive branch involving explaining why you acted as you did, and why his actions played into this. What he does with that is up to him.

I cannot believe people think OP is unreasonable.

@vhydr your ex-husband blew up all your lives, your adult son chose his side and has twisted things to make it your fault, and now he's trying the emotional manipulation tack.

I'm assuming this particular apple didn't fall far from his father's tree.

If it was me, I'd be giving him some much-needed honesty. I'd be telling him that you love him, always have, always will but he hurt you by placing blame at your feet and telling him out straight that actions have consequences. He doesn't get to stand by the person who fucked everything up, blame you, isolate his siblings, demand that you don't date (?) and then play the victim.

Honestly, he sounds a bit red pill.

Agree, I bet he’s mature enough when he wants to be. It’s bullshit, 20 is plenty old enough to treat the woman that birthed you with respect.

Your son is/was trying to exercise an unhealthy and inappropriate level of control over you - "punishing" you for leaving, blaming you rather his dad even though the dad was the one who cheated/lied/broke trust, saying he can't ever accept your having a relationship in the future. At 20 he's inexperienced and immature. Ideally you should forgive him, reassure him that you do love and value him, and do what you can to repair the relationship. You can apologise for not inviting him on the trip and for not trying harder to connect earlier on and you can try to make it up to him, but he has to make some effort too. If he goes on insisting he's in the right here he's running the risk of becoming a controlling, abusive partner - which may actually have legal ramifications not just personal.

It's unclear whether anyone has explained to him why his behaviour comes across so badly. If you refused to speak with him when he tried to contact you then I agree that that's wrong. But if he continued insisting on overstepping and making demands about your personal life when you'd clearly told him to stop then you do have a right to protect yourself too. (I'm also not sure why he's now apparently on the outs with his dad - that would be a good person to be supporting him through this since they are in much closer physical proximity and can talk face to face any time).

Your son's an adult, albeit an inexperienced one, and he's old enough to understand that shitty, borderline abusive behaviour has consequences. It's not that unusual for someone to be left out of a family trip they're an adult and live away. His reaction that I'm not your son anymore because your actions are making sure of that. I feel like I have no family and everyone hates me, I'm the outsider seems like it could be overdramatic. I know it's heartbreaking to read no matter what he's done, but if he has shown no signs of regret or self-awareness about his behaviour toward you around the breakup even after you've fully discussed it, please be cautious about the possibility of intentional manipulation.

Was he previously very close to his Dad? It must be so hard, lonely and confusing for him. He's still very young even if technically an adult. I agree with above, call him today and say sorry- sorry for blanking him when he reached out and sorry for not inviting him on holiday. Your ex is a massive twat but that's not your son's fault. Focus on repairing your relationship with him and his relationship with his siblings.

This is a tough situation. It seems to be raw on all sides. Taking him on holiday might have made things tense for you all given the fallout or it could have brought you all back together. Hard to know but I think an invite should have been offered.
I think you could all do with some mediation to try and resolve some of the issues. Going back to your cheating husband not being one of them though and it’s not fair for your eldest to expect that or dictate that you can’t meet someone new in future.
I hope things can get better for you as a family.

OP is teaching her son a valuable lesson.

He's mature enough to decide that he wants to live with his father and then explain his disdain towards blended families.

Daddy is innocent despite having an affair and dismantling the family unit; therefore, mummy will have to sacrifice her life and become Mother Martyr.

Hogwash.

@vhydr
So he didn't have a problem with your husbands affair it seems
But you, then leaving and coping as best you can is greeted with comments about "blended families"
It's a shame about the picking of sides
And the hassles that then followed
And about those photos
Did you really have to?
But what's done is done
And I think that deep down you know you're upset about how he chose
But you're his mother so
I'm not going to say forgive or forget because I couldn't; petty I know
But then what I'd honestly do is
At least be civil whilst taking no backchat or aggression from him whatsoever
And state he doesn't dictate how now you or his siblings ever live your lives
Everything is different now

Not being invited to graduation and holiday are because of his actions. Telling his mum she broke the family up for not staying with a cheat? Telling her he won’t accept a blended family from her? Who does he think he is?

As I said in my comment- he sounds like one of those people who watches that awful Tate stuff and that women should fall in line. He’s getting the consequences of his actions. He’s twenty and should know better.

Totally agree with every word of this.

He's 20 and trying to control OP due to his dad's actions.

Op is not teaching her son a valuable lesson at all. She’s being appallingly
her son, as her, will be upset/angry/emotionsl/feelings are raw - and he’s likely lashing out

oo is expecting him to pick her side and isolating him for not picking hers.

awful

so much crap on here about Andrew rate/misogny/narcissism - when in fact he’s just a very hurt very young adult

The OP expected her children to pick a side. Her side. She admits she ignored her 20 yo son when he attempted to reach out to her a few times. The 19 yo and 17 yo have also clearly taken sides. So perhaps the OP's children simply aren't as mature as you were at their age. As a family they seem to indulge in very passive-agressive behaviour, what with the ignoring and the excluding, the emotional blackmail and the finger-pointing going in all directions, the seeming inability to put themselves in the other person's shoes. Maybe your parents set a better example. The discovery of the father's betrayal is still very recent. Hopefullly the repair for all the victims of it can start soon.