AIBU to not invite my 20 year old son on a trip with his siblings?

[vhydr]

Long one, sorry.

Back in March I found out my husband was having an affair with a much younger colleague. 26 years together. I was devastated, still am honestly. We have four kids my eldest is a son, 20, then a son, 19, then a daughter, 17, and my youngest, a daughter, 15. I moved out with the younger three. My eldest son chose to stay with his dad.

I never wanted my kids to pick sides. But I won't lie, it stung. I expected a bit of loyalty, not because he owes me anything as his mother, but because his dad cheated on me and lied to my face for who knows how long. My eldest told me I was "breaking up the family" by leaving. That one really got me.

My other son and both daughters are angry at their dad too, but they came with me and we've been doing okay. Therapy, lots of time together, dinners, days out. Financially we're fine, both high earners, so at least that's not a factor.
My eldest tried reaching out a few times and I'll admit I went quiet on him for a bit. I wasn't ignoring him out of hate, I was just raw.

Then my younger daughter graduated last month and she chose not to invite her eldest brother, she invited their dad instead. He was hurt, said something angry to her, it turned into a whole sibling blowup, his brother and sister ganged up on him. It's been tense since.

He's told me he doesn't think he'll ever be okay if I date or remarry one day. Says he wants nothing to do with a "blended family." I'm not seeing anyone, not looking to either, but that's clearly already a fault line with him.

Last week I took my younger son and two daughters away for the summer, posted a few photos. He saw them and texted "you could have invited me mama, but it's okay, I'm not your son anymore because your actions are making sure of that. I feel like I have no family and everyone hates me, I'm the outsider."

That gutted me. He's still my son and I love him. But he's also an adult who chose to stay with the parent who broke this family, and I didn't think to include him this time given where things stand with his sisters.

So, AIBU?

Who knows what the boy saw in the home and what he thinks is the reason for the break up? It's never just about the infidelity.

I kind of agree with this. Teens tend to struggle with nuance and while your ex initially was massively in the wrong, it’s probably hard for him still to imagine you with someone else. That doesn’t mean it’s acceptable for him to lay down the law with you but isn’t the most pressing issue.

I’m getting a divorce for different but still compelling reasons. It’s hard to see the adult children cozying up with their dad. But he’s still their father so as painful as it is I can’t expect them to abandon him completely or at all. I don’t want them to lose out on a relationship with him. I certainly wouldn’t ask them to choose or give them the cold shoulder for not choosing. He’s still very young and it’s hard for him anyway. You’re making it harder by freezing him out and it’s not fair on him. I also wonder if you’d be less willing to do this if you had only one child or the others weren’t taking your side, in which case you’re using some of your children as a weapon against the other which is horribly manipulative.

Well, we disagree.

What kind of mum shuns her own child when he reaches out to her, then takes her other kids on holiday and not him?

Then posts on social media to ask if that was justified?

My response is no, not unless you only want 3 kids going forward.

I don’t know… Talk to your son perhaps? Just a thought.

I can understand the strained relationship with your adult son.
He has said some inappropriate things regarding your life.
I dont think you were right to go quiet on him though, sis choice to live with his father shouldnt mean he loses his relationship with you.Some communication could have steered you all through this.
I dont think it unreasonable you didn't invite him on holiday as your relationship is strained atm.
I dont understand why your youngest DD would invite her father who cheated on you and not her eldest brother.

It's been 5 months that's not long when you are hurting and your world has been turned upside down. Maybe he stayed with his Dad because the others came with you and he felt sorry for his Dad being left on his own regardless of the circumstances. You going quiet on him was an awful thing to do. And then not to be the only one not invited to the graduation must have really been a painful experience. It's hardly surprising he has reacted badly. He has said some hurtful things but people do that when they are hurting. You should be telling him you love him, you know it's early days you know he is hurting as are you and take it from there. Ask him to go away with just you for the weekend or even just out for a coffee and chat. And make sure you apologise for your actions in ignoring him.

I'm a woman and my daughters have struggled with me dating again. There's often a gap between what ought to be allowed, and where their emotions are, which is fear that you will abandon them. It doesn't make it right for him to say it's your fault, but my dd's have occasionally lashed out at me, it's a tense and upsetting time as their family collapses around them. As the adult you do have to calmly state your boundaries (e.g. I am not to blame and I will be dating) but you do have to try to keep doors open, communication going and see how you can repair it all, not cut him off for not falling into line immediately.

Why not? He would clearly have ruined the holiday.

You did want him to pick sides. Your husband cheated on you, so in your mind, your son was supposed to declare his loyalty to you by packing his bags, leaving his home, and refusing to live with his father. Now you’re seeing him less as your son and more as an enemy combatant in the war of your marriage ending. You expected him to process this all immediately, have only “correct” reactions to a life-changing event beyond his control, and not have any of the emotional messiness that comes with processing a parent’s infidelity and the end of your intact family. Your son reached out to him more than once and you ignored him.

YABU.

The fact he accused you of breaking up the family after dad cheated, and than telling you he wont accept you dating etc in the future..hmm. i dont think your in the wrong not to invite him. But he has reached out so i do think you should try and repair but be firm on the fact he does not get to dicate your life/future choices

"I never wanted my kids to pick sides"
"I expected a bit of loyalty"

Surely you're not actually stupid enough to fail see that "expecting loyalty" is simply pressuring them to "pick sides" but dressing it up like you aren't trying to hurt them?! They are hurt because you WANTED them to be hurt and went out of your way to ENSURE you hurt them.

Sorry OP but it’s not great your older Son is being ostracised like this. Completely understandable he’s feeling the way he is. Poor not to text him back or engage when he tried to. The black sheep effect now extending to siblings and sounds like you’ve been leaning on your DC so be even worse if you’ve discussed your older son with them. It’s awful what your ex has done. Just feel sorry for your older son. You didn’t want the kids to take sides, yet were stung when he did. At whatever age you are you’ve understandably struggled, at 20, with less life experience cut him some slack. He didn’t cheat on you but seems like he’s being punished for wanting to stay in the family home. He must feel like he’s lost everyone and everything. Must have ‘stung’ him to see his family all away and he didn’t get invited. It’s ok to make mistakes, just not to give an encore. With DC, even adult DC imho onus on us to take the high road where we can.

OP's son is 20, he's not a child so I can't understand why posters think OP should be the bigger person and ignore the awful things he's said. Everyone seems to be forgetting he chose to stay with his dad and then blamed OP for breaking up the family. He had to pick a side before OP could feel hurt that he'd picked his dad's side. I wouldn't want to speak to someone who blamed me for something that wasn't my fault and had caused me great pain either.

It doesn't look like OP has responded to a question about whether there were limited spaces for the graduation but the fact that her daughter invited the cheating father, who she was angry with, rather than her brother says something about who has caused more hurt and disruption during the separation. After everything everyone has been through the younger siblings do not need a holiday with someone who does not know how to keep the peace.

I'm sure the 20 year old is hurt but he's old enough to know that the break up of a long marriage is painful and difficult and blaming the injured party is a hurtful thing to do.

I bet anything that the ex/dad will be rehabilitated, and everyone will carry on having a relationship with him eventually, but the son will continue to be punished; there's very much a black sheep flavour about this, and it may be he comes off worse than the ex! Already the ex is invited to stuff he is not.

I’m sorry this happened to you, but I’m glad you’re making a new life and have the money to do so. Your eldest son needs counselling, he sounds very entitled, almost narcissistic and is obviously very influenced by his father. I would say to him that you understand he is hurt but the situation was not of your making and you are getting on with your life. Ask him to get some help and maybe he can be part of your life again in the future but while he continues to voice these obnoxious feelings and opinions he cannot. He says he wants no part of a blended family well what’s going to happen when Daddy gets the little mistress pregnant? He must understand that these are things he has no control over. Enjoy the time you have now with the rest of your children. He may come round, he may not but that’s up to him. I wish you all the best.

@FOJN completely disagree. Young adults have little life experience. OP and many struggle understandably with marital/family breakdown and relationships even when much much older. You’re expecting a level of maturity during a life changing traumatic event for all, and that imho is extremely unfair. It takes a lot of us whatever age time to process, react, come to terms with things. Not sure the DS blamed OP as much as may have felt desperate to keep the family together. The don’t see anyone else comments too could be the DS trying to have some control (completely misplaced) in a situation that’s incredibly painful for all, and one he feels is out of his control, not OPs fault or any of the DC. Your Mum is your Mum whatever your age.

You're reading an awful lot into his intentions about stuff you just completely made up! There was no nefarious plan to publicly humiliate her because there was no mention of Facebook in the OP! He texted her.

Not right to diagnose people with complex mental health issues from one first person post.

OP hasn’t got the full YANBU she maybe expected so unlikely to be back. Many post AIBU wanting corroboration not impartial advice.

Here you go.

What a horrible post.

Please don't throw around words like "narcissistic" when you clearly aren't qualified to do so.

I can only assume you aren't a parent, or at least not a parent of teens or adults. Parental love isn't so easily severed. We don't go around cutting off our very young adult children for saying unwise things, even hurtful things, or there would be no adult child /parent relationships anywhere.

OP not been back? Probably no point then.

He told her she was breaking the family up by leaving which suggests he thinks she had an obligation to tolerate infidelity to protect his feelings. We've all been 20 and there is no way I would have thought that was an appropriate thing to say to anyone who been cheated on in a long term relationship. If he is not mature enough to have a very basic level of empathy and sensitivity now he needs to learn quickly.

@FOJN
Do you have, or have you had, a child in their late teens or early 20s?

No, I thought not. Or at least I hope not. 20 is a very long way from full maturity.

So much anger and nastiness in some of the responses on here. One side think you should be a mother, the other side think you should be a wronged wife who's DH has penetrated another women and all males should suffer the consequences.

Its a Red pill/Blue pill moment.

I say throw the blue one in the bin and mend relations with your son. Who gives a toss what relationship he has with his dad, its your relationship with him that matters.

You didn't want them to take sides but you have penalised him for taking his dad's side.

He is certainly speaking out of place re any of your future relationships but his whole family has broken up too and he is struggling with the changes.

It isn't his fault your DH cheated. But you are all being really unfair to him. I wouldnt have left him out of a holiday involving his siblings.

Try and mend your relationship with your son with clear boundaries in place but don't punish him for what his dad has done.