AIBU to not invite my 20 year old son on a trip with his siblings?

[vhydr]

Long one, sorry.

Back in March I found out my husband was having an affair with a much younger colleague. 26 years together. I was devastated, still am honestly. We have four kids my eldest is a son, 20, then a son, 19, then a daughter, 17, and my youngest, a daughter, 15. I moved out with the younger three. My eldest son chose to stay with his dad.

I never wanted my kids to pick sides. But I won't lie, it stung. I expected a bit of loyalty, not because he owes me anything as his mother, but because his dad cheated on me and lied to my face for who knows how long. My eldest told me I was "breaking up the family" by leaving. That one really got me.

My other son and both daughters are angry at their dad too, but they came with me and we've been doing okay. Therapy, lots of time together, dinners, days out. Financially we're fine, both high earners, so at least that's not a factor.
My eldest tried reaching out a few times and I'll admit I went quiet on him for a bit. I wasn't ignoring him out of hate, I was just raw.

Then my younger daughter graduated last month and she chose not to invite her eldest brother, she invited their dad instead. He was hurt, said something angry to her, it turned into a whole sibling blowup, his brother and sister ganged up on him. It's been tense since.

He's told me he doesn't think he'll ever be okay if I date or remarry one day. Says he wants nothing to do with a "blended family." I'm not seeing anyone, not looking to either, but that's clearly already a fault line with him.

Last week I took my younger son and two daughters away for the summer, posted a few photos. He saw them and texted "you could have invited me mama, but it's okay, I'm not your son anymore because your actions are making sure of that. I feel like I have no family and everyone hates me, I'm the outsider."

That gutted me. He's still my son and I love him. But he's also an adult who chose to stay with the parent who broke this family, and I didn't think to include him this time given where things stand with his sisters.

So, AIBU?

I never wanted my kids to pick sides. But I won't lie, it stung. I expected a bit of loyalty, not because he owes me anything as his mother, but because his dad cheated on me and lied to my face for who knows how long

So you did want him to pick sides.

Perhaps he stayed with the person who wasn't asking that of him, and woukd create thenleast upheaval in his life, but then you ignored his attempts to contact you. ..like a grown up.

Are you on the right thread ? DS wasn’t put in the position of having to choose, he chose himself and aligned himself with his cheating dad. He then told OP she can never date and he won’t be part of a blended family. I bet he didn’t say that to his dad. And OP left him out of the family holiday because of the issues between him and her other children. TBH I’d have an issue with DD as well. She invited her dad to her graduation and left out her brother. That doesn’t make any sense.

This made me burst into tears

very similar thing happened to me for years, with my own father. I got outed from most things. So outed my kids didn’t even think he loved them which broke my heart, they always went away or whatever without me and the hurt it caused, well I’ll never get over it if I’m honest.

my father is dead now. All the stuff he promised to me and my mother went gone. He didn’t do what he said he’d do.

the hurt he might never recover from

He sounds like he’s one of those Andrew Tate watching men’s rights activists. The idea that you are the issue for not staying and saying he wouldn’t accept other men- it’s all a bit odd.

This whole situation sounds incredibly toxic. Leaving comments like that on Facebook wasn’t him saying he wanted to be invited - it was him taking a chance to publicly humiliate you.

I wouldn’t invite him and in fact I would remove the comment off your Facebook and restrict his ability to comment on your posts. You can change settings.

If you want to try and bridge the gap between you - do not do it on Facebook. Send him a message and ask to meet just you and him for coffee . Genuinely think of what you want to say and then if he accepts it great. If he doesn’t you have to accept that too.

I think you are both being unreasonable.
I am also a child who’s dad cheated and I far from condone that but they’re still your parent at the end of the day so don’t take it too personally that he chose to stay. I get along far better with my dad than I do my mum, always been a daddy’s girl. 20 is not a mature adult. I was 19 and looking back it really affected me more than I thought.

You are being unreasonable by ignoring him. You should have had a conversation about how it is unacceptable for him to blame you for breaking up the family and you don’t accept that.
You could have extended an invite to the holiday on the condition that everyone is on best behaviour re arguments etc. and if it went tits up - you’d have known for next time.

He is unreasonable for thinking he can dictate what you do with your life going forward. You were wronged and not the one to break up the family. If you choose to move on with someone else, he has no right to have a problem with that and it’s up to him weather or not he chooses to be a part of that. He also seems to be emotionally manipulating but that be from immaturity. The woe is me, I have no family, you have disowned me. I worry for his future partners tbh.

@Pherian Where have you got all that Facebook stuff from?

No one has said he’s right. Not utterly condemning him for a couple of comments he made when in emotional turmoil isn’t the same thing as saying he’s right.

He’s a 20 year old with little in the way of life experience, dealing with the sudden break up of the stable family he had always known. Even with life experience and emotional maturity, few people would be able to navigate that perfectly. OP is the established adult and parent here, but instead of extending even a modicum of grace towards her child she punished and continues to punish him for not ‘siding’ with her, as if her children should ever have been required to take ‘sides’ at all.

Yes of you want to totally destroy the relationship between you do this. Also, keep on punishing him for living with his dad. 🙄

Disagree. I think this is is great message to send him. He’s an adult and should understand his mother’s feelings matter.

This.

I also think you may have overlooked exactly how much his father has been influencing him. His father was a liar and a cheat... I think the comment about blended families and you dating was influenced by the Dad and he has wound the son up about it.
The same issue - why did he stay with the dad in the first place?
Was it because he was sold a sob story. "I didn't want this, its your mother who is breaking up the family." And he felt sorry for the Dad?
He is the oldest so maybe he experienced more the happier times and remembered his dad in a better light and believes him as he sees him more now but sees little of you
Was it because he wanted to stay in his old neighbourhood/school/friends?
Or wasn't there enough room in your new place for all of them?

It could be a mixture of all those reasons.

He's reached out to you several times, which was a mature thing to do and you rejected him - No doubt your ex made the most of that. You made him think that the things your ex says about you are true. None of this is his fault.

You should have offered him a place on the holiday, it doesn't matter what the justifications are for not inviting him... or not tackling your DD about the graduation. He may not have accepted either invitation, but it would have eased his pain if you had offered.
But his words to you.
"you could have invited me mama, but it's okay, I'm not your son anymore because your actions are making sure of that. I feel like I have no family and everyone hates me, I'm the outsider."

He couldn't say it any plainer and its heart breaking "no family and everyone hates me. I'm the outsider"
You have to act quickly and be as warm and welcoming as possible. Family therapy too.

As for the comments about dating and how you should tell him firmly this and that .... Really? This is not the time to start arguing about that.. Especially as you've said you don't want to date at the moment. Its a sign that he's worrying about what the future looks like (no doubt egged on by Dad). And its a valid question actually for him to ask you. If you were dating I'm sure you'd tell the others.

Cross that bridge when you come to it, after you've re built some bridges with your son. You need to start including him again. But be prepared for some rebuffs, which you've already done to him. You will need to perservere

He's only just an adult, the break up is very new and he is absolutely not the right audience for this at this time. Its not just the OP who has been hurt by the breakdown of her marriage, its the children too. Not her fault but why seek to make it worse?

He needs to learn a valuable lesson in respecting his mother. Misogyny is unwelcome.

His mother could ask if he would like to have a conversation about this, but no, she doesn't have a right to dump all of that emotion on him. Trauma-dumping is bad at the best of times. It's worse when it involves criticising the child's other parent.

If, on the other hand, he asks her why she felt she had to leave, she can certainly explain these feelings. But it is harmful to insist on burdening your children with your emotions and complaints, and to insist they accept your framing of events, as a condition of a continuing relationship with them. Ignoring the son's contact and not discussing the holiday was punitive behaviour. The other kids have fallen in line. I hope that's not too much of a burden on them

You should have reached out to him sooner and you should have asked him on the holiday. Don't punish him for wanting a relationship with your ex/his dad and for clearly struggling with the entire concept of his nuclear family breaking up. He's still a very young adult. He's not the one who cheated on you. Be the bigger person - be his mum. I'd be heartbroken if I got a text like that from my son.

So is misandry. Which is what punishing your son for not taking your side in your divorce is.

What are you on about?

Yes, he was put in a position of having to choose.

His father had an affair, his mother left, the kids were therefore forced to choose who to align with, through no fault of their own.

Yes his Dad cheated. He is still his Dad. Is it only acceptable if adult children of divorce cut contact with the parent who cheated?

Because he chose his Dad, OP was hurt (understandable) and then when DS subsequently reached out, presumably as an olive branch, OP ignored him (more than once). That's shocking behaviour from a mother.

He told OP she can't date and she can't be part of a blended family - he's young, his world as he knew it just got torn apart, he is saying he can't handle that as a result of pain and fear. Obviously his Mum just replies "if and when I do date again it won't be up to you, Sonny Jim!"

I can't believe that you think it's ok for a mother to take her 19, 17 and 15 year olds on holiday and not even think to invite her 20 year old.

My 21 year old hasn't lived at home for over a year and is obviously still invited on all family holidays - no pressure, but invited. And he is living in his own place and working so he's proper left home and not just living with his other parent. Do you have adult children this age?

Yep, this is my take on it too. He’s twenty, not two. At what point do grown ass children stop being the priority over their parents in every situation.

I think it’s fine for OP to have taken her other three children on holiday under the circumstances. Given that they all had issues, it wouldn’t have been much of a holiday.

As someone who has 4 dc and who’s husband (their father) cheated on me after 25 years and broke up our family, I can’t believe what I’m reading.
you do not involve your children (young adults)
although it broke my heart, I made sauté my dc had/have a decent relationship with their father.
they do know what did (are now very similar ages to yours), but I’ve always re-iterated that he loves them and what happened is not for them to worry about or take sides.
I can’t believe you ‘went quiet on your child’. I’m actually quite upset at that though and, as I love my dc more than i hate my ex-h, I can’t imaging ostracising them.
im so so sorry you’re hurting but please read these responses and sort things out with your son, for HIS sake as you don’t want emotional abuse ruining the rest of his life’s

Honestly, that message is concerning. This is a 20 year old that’s just had the ground well and truly shift beneath him. He’s lost all the stability he thought he knew, and the mother he thought loved him has demonstrated just how disposable he is. He’s alienated from his siblings, and the ‘everyone hates me’ suggests that he’s not actually getting on well with his father either. He’s taken compounding blows over recent months.

It could be read as an attempt at emotional manipulation, sure, but he could also be reaching/have reached a serious crisis point that he’s ill equipped to deal with.

He told his mum she was the one splitting up the family, she couldn’t date and he wouldn’t be part of a blended family. That’s straight out of the Andrew Tate playbook. I’d bet the farm he hasn’t said the same to his dad.

Is the relationship one where the 'child' can act and say what they like, and the wronged parent has to suck that up, as well as being cheated on by her husband?
Nah. Don't think so.
He's 20.
Actions affect others. You don't get to say hurtful stuff and then play victim.

He sounds like a very young man who feels like he is being punished by his mum and sister for choosing to stay living with his father after the two of them broke up, through no fault of his. He reached out to his mum more than once after this and was ignored. His sister didn't invite him to graduation and then he finds out his mum and siblings are enjoying a nice holiday he wasn't even told about.

He says he feels isolated and alone.

I actually fear for his mental wellbeing. How long ago was he living in a large nuclear family? With mum, dad, and 3 siblings? And now he feels he has lost his mum and his siblings.
It's heartbreaking.