AIBU to not invite my 20 year old son on a trip with his siblings?

[vhydr]

Long one, sorry.

Back in March I found out my husband was having an affair with a much younger colleague. 26 years together. I was devastated, still am honestly. We have four kids my eldest is a son, 20, then a son, 19, then a daughter, 17, and my youngest, a daughter, 15. I moved out with the younger three. My eldest son chose to stay with his dad.

I never wanted my kids to pick sides. But I won't lie, it stung. I expected a bit of loyalty, not because he owes me anything as his mother, but because his dad cheated on me and lied to my face for who knows how long. My eldest told me I was "breaking up the family" by leaving. That one really got me.

My other son and both daughters are angry at their dad too, but they came with me and we've been doing okay. Therapy, lots of time together, dinners, days out. Financially we're fine, both high earners, so at least that's not a factor.
My eldest tried reaching out a few times and I'll admit I went quiet on him for a bit. I wasn't ignoring him out of hate, I was just raw.

Then my younger daughter graduated last month and she chose not to invite her eldest brother, she invited their dad instead. He was hurt, said something angry to her, it turned into a whole sibling blowup, his brother and sister ganged up on him. It's been tense since.

He's told me he doesn't think he'll ever be okay if I date or remarry one day. Says he wants nothing to do with a "blended family." I'm not seeing anyone, not looking to either, but that's clearly already a fault line with him.

Last week I took my younger son and two daughters away for the summer, posted a few photos. He saw them and texted "you could have invited me mama, but it's okay, I'm not your son anymore because your actions are making sure of that. I feel like I have no family and everyone hates me, I'm the outsider."

That gutted me. He's still my son and I love him. But he's also an adult who chose to stay with the parent who broke this family, and I didn't think to include him this time given where things stand with his sisters.

So, AIBU?

Speak to him

Choose somewhere neutral and tell him plainly that his blaming you for your reaction to his father's infidelity, his trying to determine how you spend the rest if your life has driven a spike through your heart

Be clear, you need time to recover from his father's behaviour and now also have to navigate his reaction. You too are only human and his behaviour will take you time to understand

Be even more clear: you love him but really don't like his attitude atbthe moment

Then leave the ball in his court

If you are unhappily married, you end your marriage respectfully. You don't stick your dick in someone else and then lie to your wife about it.

I think if he is lashing out at you and his siblings it would not have been a nice holiday. I think if he wants a relationship with you then he should meet you halfway. He is not a child. Your ex was the cheater and he has no right telling you that he won’t accept you finding a new partner. Any reconciliation should be done slowly not with a holiday where you are all spending a lot of time together. Plus he needs to sort out things with his siblings. He can’t paint himself as a victim if he made the choice to stay with your ex and reject you and his siblings.

Deciding to stay in his home is not rejecting his mother and his siblings. Terrible advice to encourage the OP to continue to view it that way.

This. The OP may have made mistakes but to be honest her son sounds controlling and misogynistic. Father can have an affair and move on but she can’t? He needs to grow up.

You are the adult here and it is for you to rebuild the bridges you have burned. Ok he chose to stay with his dad but you are wrong to punish him for this. He’s young and emotionally immature and he’s going to say and do all sorts of wild things because he’s probably reeling. Talk to him asap and explain you are sorry and you were just hurt and confused but you love him and he’s 100% part of your family.

Many years ago my DP split in similar circumstances. When mum role the news she said I’d be staying with her. I asked if I could stay with dad and she said of course you can if it’s what you want. She didn’t even tell me dad had cheated. In the end I stayed with her. It was years before I understood what she went through and how brave she was to shield me from it. In the end my bond with my mum is 1000 times stronger than my dad but I’m so grateful she never poisoned me against him or asked me to choose side. Divorce stinks.

ETA - YANBU because your actions come from a place of extreme hurt, but please don’t lose your sone over it.

Im going to say Yabu. I think you should have heard him out when he tried to reach out the few times previously. He might have felt he made a mistake with his choice.
I also think it was wrong of your daughter to invite her dad to the graduation and not him. Why? It was her father who cheated. Yeah, perhaps your son messed up but he’s young, sounds like he tried to repair things and you all aren’t letting him forget it.
If he had clung to and defended his choice till now, and not tried to reach out, I might have said Yanbu to not invite him on holiday. But to ignore him and then not invite him I think was actually kind of cruel.

Where does the OP say that the son thinks it's ok for his father to move on? It sounds like he desperately wanted them to stay together. He wanted her to forgive the father (entirely understandable why she said no way to that) for his infidelity and stay in the marriage so that the family didn't break up. The OP only discovered the affair a few months ago. The son says he doesn't think he'll ever be ok with her dating and remarrying - he will come around from that when he's stopped grieving. Perhaps he already would have done had the OP not ignored his efforts to reach out to her.

How did your daughter graduate at 15? Is she some sort of genius?

I’m sorry your husband did that to you, truly terrible and awful. But to be putting your kids in the middle of this is disgraceful.

He's lashing out at you because you are punishing him for having an ongoing relationship with his own father! You shouldn't have made him choose, and you shouldn't have gone quiet on him.

I cannot imagine my parents behaving like this, my mum was cheated on by my dad and she was raw but she never made us feel bad about wanting to see him or have a relationship with him- he's half our DNA and you cannot ask children to take sides like this.

Your son told the truth, he has indeed been excluded from his own family and that was a very poor move on your part, you have made a little new family without him and that's unforgiveable. He shouldn't have to take sides with you and move out and effectively cut his relationship with his dad to be in your life.

Awful, sorry, but this is awful.

Parents often forget that their children are 50% of the parent that they personally chose, you can't expect them to cut off like this.

and hes 19, not a baby and knows the damage of cheating etc he should have chose better

It is also common for shocked and upset children to struggle to see you having your own life and dating again. Again, this is typical and usually handled over years and through speaking honestly and forging relationships. Not in anger.

Please don't cut your own son off like this to punish him or your husband. Not ok. Keep lines of communication open, keep the door open, keep your own relationship with him separate to your dad.

My dad has now been with his 'affair partner' (now second wife) longer than my parents original marriage and they are all happier, after the initial shock.

Life is long, I did not like reading this post, I find it quite upsetting you would treat a child this way and even wonder if it is true.

The truth about a breakdown of a marriage/relationship is that the children are affected badly. As with everything in life, the age of a child is never a reflection of their maturity and ability in dealing with a situation that emotionally blindsided and emotionally-impacted every one of them.

Perhaps your eldest wanted to stay in the home he knew when everything else seemed to be collapsing around him. You won't know if you don't communicate. Or you don't allow for the opportunity to communicate.

First you and your son...on neutral ground, ideally over a meal just the 2 of you....without the other children...to talk through what he has felt and his feeling on everything....and then for you to walk/talk through things your end and how you've felt.

You've allowed his father to have all of the communication.

Also, it isn't fair with 1 sibling Vs. 3 and a parent. He's at a disadvantage any which way...and emotions are running high.

Ideally, following that first meeting, you can work through re-establishing the relationship and starting to support next steps with a sibling at a time on his terms.

In all this does he think it’s ok for his dad to shag another woman and be the reason you left???

You are punishing your son for something his father did. I have been in your position, my children were much younger. To this day they don't know the real reason why we split up. One is an adult now. It stings, but ultimately your children should have a good relationship with both their parents. The loyalty card can be played with friends, and even there I wouldn't do it, not with your children.

Based on two comments he made in the midst of his grief about the break up of his family?

For all we know he would have said precisely the same to his father if OP had been the one to have an affair. He made ill judged comments because he was hurting and desperate for his family to remain intact. That’s it.

You'll be lucky if he doesn't go non contact with you entirely, very soon.

I agree - it appears you are taking out your anger for your husband (who is an awful pig) on your poor son. He will also be hurting & grieving the family set up (which he will get over) but you need to help support him. Ignoring him when he tries to reach out to you is unforgivable as a mother.
it’s the ex husband you & your daughter should sim
your angry at- not your eldest son.
it comes across like you & his 3x siblings are bullying/ ganging up on him & the ex husband gets to enjoy a cosy graduation!

Am assuming the dd who remains in contact with her dad and has also invited him to her graduation is also banned fro
the family holiday @vhydr ?

Staying with your husband is one thing, could've been many reasons. But to blame YOU for splitting up the family is cruel, to further give you the ultimatum that he doesn't want you to date etc is selfish, arrogant and very childish. He is and adult and it could be that he is like his dad and sees women in a certain way. But you also do sound resentful, of your child who maybe am adult in name but let's face it many aren't mature at that age emotionally. Either way you're both really raw, haven't sat down and had real honest conversations.

He didn’t just choose to live with his dad though did he ? He told his mother she was the one breaking up the family, totally ignoring the fact that it was his father who did that. He’s also drawn a line in the sand by saying he won’t accept OP dating, or be part of a blended family. That’s a lot to cope with while you’re still raw from being cheated on, and watching your eldest son side with his cheating father to the point of actually choosing to live with him must have been very hard. If he doesn’t want to be part of a blended family I wonder if he’s given his dad the same ultimatum. If not, then he’s a hypocrite as well as a misogynist.

Totally agree with you. But the MNers who think DC are always right and must be put first will be out in shoals to disagree with us.

I have 4 kids too, similar ages, including a 21 year old son. He's still so very young. I cannot imagine taking it out on him if my husband had an affair.

I understand you were hurt but none of this is your eldest's fault. He was put in a position of having to choose a parent. That breaks my heart for starters. He reached out to you and you didn't reciprocate. WTF? Your daughter left him out of something and then you compounded that by not even inviting him on holiday? That astounds me.

Do you not WANT to have a relationship with your oldest child? You have imo behaved absolutely appallingly, just because in your view he didn't sufficiently side with you over the affair.

The other stuff about not wanting to be in a blended family , breaking up the family etc - he's a very young man whose world has flipped on end. I would not pay those statements any significant mind. YOU are the mature adult.

Are you an adulterous male?