AIBU to not invite my 20 year old son on a trip with his siblings?

[vhydr]

Long one, sorry.

Back in March I found out my husband was having an affair with a much younger colleague. 26 years together. I was devastated, still am honestly. We have four kids my eldest is a son, 20, then a son, 19, then a daughter, 17, and my youngest, a daughter, 15. I moved out with the younger three. My eldest son chose to stay with his dad.

I never wanted my kids to pick sides. But I won't lie, it stung. I expected a bit of loyalty, not because he owes me anything as his mother, but because his dad cheated on me and lied to my face for who knows how long. My eldest told me I was "breaking up the family" by leaving. That one really got me.

My other son and both daughters are angry at their dad too, but they came with me and we've been doing okay. Therapy, lots of time together, dinners, days out. Financially we're fine, both high earners, so at least that's not a factor.
My eldest tried reaching out a few times and I'll admit I went quiet on him for a bit. I wasn't ignoring him out of hate, I was just raw.

Then my younger daughter graduated last month and she chose not to invite her eldest brother, she invited their dad instead. He was hurt, said something angry to her, it turned into a whole sibling blowup, his brother and sister ganged up on him. It's been tense since.

He's told me he doesn't think he'll ever be okay if I date or remarry one day. Says he wants nothing to do with a "blended family." I'm not seeing anyone, not looking to either, but that's clearly already a fault line with him.

Last week I took my younger son and two daughters away for the summer, posted a few photos. He saw them and texted "you could have invited me mama, but it's okay, I'm not your son anymore because your actions are making sure of that. I feel like I have no family and everyone hates me, I'm the outsider."

That gutted me. He's still my son and I love him. But he's also an adult who chose to stay with the parent who broke this family, and I didn't think to include him this time given where things stand with his sisters.

So, AIBU?

There is a fine line between allowing grace and being emotionally manipulated, which OP's son is doing.

Shock. Horror. The OP does not want to indulge his behaviour and protect her other children.

What a heinous crime!

Look at the dynamics in this family. Father who cheats with a colleague and lies to his wife's face. Mother who expects children to pick sides and punishes one who doesn't choose to follow her by ignoring his efforts to reach out and rewards the children who gang up against him by taking them on holiday and posting photos for the outcast child to see. That's some stately homes territory in the making.

yabu. You are the parent here. He is very young still. You need to start including him and inviting him to everything-days out, holidays, family therapy etc
otherwise your relationship will be irreparably damaged

You clearly DID want your kids to pick sides, your behaviour towards your eldest makes that crystal clear!! 😂 I’m not condoning his behaviour since the split but you need to take responsibility for your significant contribution to the state of your relationship with him.

Some of these attitudes are why men grow up to be cheaters in the first place. Babying a 20 year old for being unfair to his mum over his father's actions is not the right course of action.

I think it already is. If I were her son I'd find it very hard to come back from this.

I’m surprised a lot of people are choosing to gang up on your for being hurt/going cold while conveniently ignoring the fact he has no issues with his father’s behaviour BUT he’s already warning you you’re not entitled to a life of your own in the future.

He sounds very manosphere/red pilly and needs a reality check.

There’s also a difference between not indulging someone, and cutting off your own child.

A couple of thoughtless comments from someone desperately trying and preserve the family they’re seeing fall apart, do not constitute a malicious attempt to manipulate. OP wasn’t the only one raw and in pain due to the end of her marriage.

It is hardly surprising that some men learn contempt for women when they are permitted to treat us however they please.

Correct your sons before they presume it is their right to diminish, damage, or destroy another.

He reached out - perhaps to apologise and mend your relationship - and you gave him the cold shoulder as a punishment.

You wanted him to choose sides & he failed the test.

I never wanted my kids to pick sides. But I won't lie, it stung. I expected a bit of loyalty, not because he owes me anything as his mother, but because his dad cheated on me and lied to my face for who knows how long

But he's also an adult who chose to stay with the parent who broke this family

The son said some things that were wrong and if a reconciliation does take place he should apologise for them.

But it's clear from the quotes above that his real offence was to stay with his father and the claim that the OP didn't want the kids to pick sides is obviously nonsense.

My mum was like this when she got divorced (although she has the affair), she expected me to move with her and I stayed with my dad. Not for particular loyalty but I was 17 and didn’t want to change my life. She called me all sorts and accused me of betraying her for money.

Your son was clearly struggling and you decided to ignore him which seems absolutely wild. You can disagree with him but have a conversation instead of you and the siblings all ignoring him.

I am completely no contact with my mother and she has no relationship children.

This!!
As a person whose parents divorced when i was mid teens due to my mum having an affair and leaving my dad, I did choose to live with my dad and ignored my mum. HOWEVER (and the huge difference here) he actively encouraged me to ahve a relationship with my mum, facilitated it and had a go at me for ignoring her. Basically, he behaved exactly as a grown up should behave.
You have not.

That poor kid-ok he's 20, but not much more than a kid. His dad cheated. Your son did nothing wrong. You don't answer a message from him. His siblings are rejecting him. He's got nothing, at such a tender age-and he wasn't the one that made the decisions which have affected everyone.
I would be really worried about such a young person in this situation. It's not abnormal that he wants his family together, and a lot of kids reject blended families. Some people might say they work sometimes-maybe that's true, especially in cases where the parents are widowed. But where they've chosen to break up, it's a fact that a lot of kids/young adults are very hurt.

With him reaching out, if you don’t take the olive branch then it’ll just keep going downhill. The divorce was your husband not your kids. He didn’t need to go on the holiday but maybe let him know you were for going?

This. I'm also surprised by the responses.

The OP's DS is 20. He is an adult man, not a 13yo boy. He explicitly blamed the OP for breaking up the family when she wasn't the one having an affair. He then sought to dictate to her regarding her right to date or have any future relationships. He sounds horribly misogynistic and totally unwilling to admit that it was actually his father at fault and that his mother was the victim in all of this.

Should she have responded to his attempts to reach out? Yes,of course she should have done. She has acknowledged you'd. Do I blame her for being hurt and cross that her son had blamed her for the fact that the family had been broken up? No, I don't.

Given everything that has gone on, I don't think it was unreasonable to take the other kids away without inviting the eldest son along. The siblings weren't talking to each other anyway.

I do think that the OP should attempt to build bridges now, but I think she should be very open and transparent with him about how hurtful and unfair his previous comments have been.

OP’s son requires correction.

The conduct, misogyny and contempt he shows towards his own mother are entirely unacceptable and warrant a firm reprimand.

No mother should have to accept this.

Reach out to your son.
There are billions of people in the world and only 4 of them are your kids.

Be the adult. Whatever has happened is water under the bridge. Do everything you can to try to repair your relationship.

Good luck.
X

Yep agree with all the posters who are saying the OP is unreasonable. I cannot stand parents who force kids to pick sides (while claiming they are not). Your sons relationship with his dad is not your relationship to manage.
My own mother did the same to me (not that I stayed with my dad but because I had the audacity to still want to speak to him - she was so awful that I had no choice really but to cut him off otherwise I would have been cast out from my siblings and extended family too) unsurprisingly I do not have a great relationship with my mother now. I can see what an emotionally abusive and immature parent she was, you will be lucky if your oldest son bothers with you at all in later life.

Miss Trunchbull has entered the chat

You have behaved abysmal toward your eldest son. He may have hurt you with some comments but he is still very young and has also had his world torn apart. It's not too late to build bridges and i would urge you to reach out to him and start to rebuild your relationship.

Listen to this, OP. His dad cheated on you, not him.
I can’t believe you ignored his oliver’s branch. You need to repair the relationship.

He can be as angry as he likes... with his dad who had the affair.
He also doesnt get to control/decide how his mum lives her life after being shat on.
Father and son are both finding out that actions have consequences.

So you have ostracised your son because he went to live with his dad? It isn’t your son’s fault his dad cheated on you. It doesn’t make him less his dad. You said you didn’t want them to pick sides. Yet you clearly do, in fact, want them to pick sides