AIBU to expect DH to leave contact when I was hospitalised?

[Amioverreactinghmm]

I have been extremely unwell for the past 4 months and have been admitted to hospital for numerous blood transfusions. Im dizzy, sick and faint on a near daily basis, however I received my diagnosis yesterday and a plan is in place for my treatment going forward.

Quick backstory, my dh has a DD aged 15. He only found out about her at 6 yo and since then has fought tooth and nail to be in her life. The courts awarded him 4 hours contact (10-2) on a Saturday and Sunday every week at her aunt's house (mum's sister) as the mum refuses point blank to have any contact with my DH. She didn't want contact, it had to be forced and even then she was held in contempt for refusing a court order.

Anyway on Friday night I was really ill, sickness, temp etc. My DH left on the Saturday morning for his visit and I just got worst throughout the day. At 11.30ish I lost consciousness and my DD (20) panicked and called an ambulance and my DH.

My DH didn't leave, he stayed til his contract time was over and later as well as the sister allowed extra time as his DD was having a water fight with him in the garden so he didn't leave til 4 and didn't get to me in the hospital til the back of 5. I had to have another transfusion.

I feel he should of left when he got the call. He feels he barely gets time with his DD so will soak up every minute he gets. AIBU?

At that moment, in those circumstances I think most people would say Yes, the wife's needs were a greater priority than your own teenage child who was safe and well etc etc.

"Well it depends on whether you think he was right to put his child first, when she would have been perfectly safe without him had he left"

So your argument is the dad should not put the child first as long as he knows the child is safe? By that thinking absent dad's who have moved on to new families don't need to spend time with their kids ....

His wife was also safe as an ambulance had been called so unless he's a doctor himself he couldn't have done much.

I've seen plenty of posts where the dh is cranky or depressed with a long term disease / mental health crisis and the wife posts she is miserable and the consensus is you don't have to live like this and think of the children...

I agree with this im always in and out of hospital. Unless im actually dying in that moment I don't expect anyone to come running. Its just the reality you have to get use to dealing with this stuff by yourself.

Yes 😊 that's what I've come to realise the man is wrong no matter what it is in on the husband's side he only gets to see his daughter a few hours a week you'd think she be happy he cared about his child enough to want to see her

Well clearly the DD he shares with OP isn’t much of a priority to him is she ? She’s autistic and she rang him panicking. Where was his concern about her welfare, or that of OP, while he was happily overstaying his contact time ? I can understand him being worried about leaving early if there’s a real chance of it being used against him, but staying two hours extra knowing his wife had been rushed to hospital sends a very different message.

I have epilepsy and live alone if I have a seizure I just have to deal with it I had one on the train once and woke to people giving me really shitty looks because the train was waiting for the ambulance and it was delayed a few minutes 😂

"She’s autistic and she rang him panicking. Where was his concern about her welfare, or that of OP, while he was happily overstaying his contact time ?"

Well he gets to see her for a 160 hours a week.
His other daughter he sees for 8.

And she wasn't that panicked if she had the foresight to call an ambulance first. ...

And if he's gone home to his daughter instead of his wife he'd be getting pilloried for that too !

By the sound of it he has had to really fight for visitation at all because of his controlling ex. How many people here would b e happy seeing their child for 8 hours a week and turning down 2 extra?

God forbid he didn't set a timer and leave right then 😂 Jesus he was with his daughter it's not like he was having a piss up at the pub!

That’s not my argument at all. And what other posters in different situations are advised is irrelevant. I’m talking about OP’s particular circumstances in the here and now. Posters are excusing his lack of concern for OP simply because he was having contact time with his DD. He had no idea whether she was safe or not - OP says last time this happened it was touch and go, and yet he was so unconcerned about OP and the fact that his autistic daughter had rung him panicking and was now alone, that he stayed two hours past the contact time. I’m really surprised that anyone is supporting such a shocking lack of concern. As far as l can see he wasn’t ‘prioritising’ anyone but himself.

You think he should put both the OP and his stepdaughter above his daughter? Anyone else?

That’s not the point and you know it.

Why is that down to OP to sort ?

Bloody hell MN really isn’t the real world.

Of course her DH should have left to go to his wife alone in hospital after being taken there by ambulance! On what planet would people think it’s fine for their spouse to have a water fight with their 15 year old teen instead!

There are some truly awful people on this thread, and in the context of OP having received her diagnosis, it's shameful.

The doubling down with some posters is horrible. I'm not sure if reading comprehension is the issue or just a profound lack of empathy is at play, or if it's both...

My understanding is that he has two daughters - OP refers to DD as ‘my daughter’ but she hasn’t specifically said she isn’t her husbands’ child. And even if she isn’t, isn’t it the case that MN thinks step children and bio children should be treated equally ? What’s the difference here ? And yes, in this situation OP should have come first, or at the very least he should have left at the end of contact time and not stayed an extra two hours. That sends a specific message, and not a very nice one.

clearly the op is going through a lot and has left her own thread due to people's opinions. yes you can have your opinion but as the op is clearly ill why would you then come back on and comment further above.

some thoughtless people on here.

I doubt most of these people would be happy if it was them in ops position.

op forget about all of these idiots - yes your husband has to not jeopardise his relationship with his DD, but he absolutely was in the wrong for not coming to you when you needed him. and the fact that he hasn't apologised is despicable.

is he your dds father and if the worst happened, do you trust him to look after your daughter?

The planet of MN. It’s batshit. And l simply don’t believe that the posters in DH’s camp would be happy if they were in the same situation. His lack of concern was shocking, and so is the support for it here. I think a lot of it comes from viewing OP as the step parent even though she’s never met DD - MN hates step parents and that’s very clear throughout.

You think he has an adult daughter with the OP then fathered a 15 year old with a girlfriend whom he parted from amicably? If so then the OPs marriage has stranger dynamics then she's letting on with this example.

As for the children vs step children dynamic his child sees him 8 hours a week, his adult stepchild the remaining 160.

I wish the OP all the best and I can do that without 100% agreeing with her about this one instance, albeit I would hope her husband is generally attentive and supportive.

Nope. It's awful to call people awful for being honest and straightforward. But that's all you've got, no actual discussion, just nasty name calling.

OP did NOT KNOW she had a cancer diagnosis. Her husband has been running around after regularly, this is indeed a regular occurrence, as caregivers have to, going to the hospital and being with her there. Caregiving a sick person is very time consuming and tiring, so I am glad she has had his support.

The only thing that was different was her daughter called an ambulance this time.

He had no idea at it was not simply another health event because he was busy parenting his child.

And he went to the hospital when he could, based on what he knew.

Whether OP likes it or not he is worried about fucking up contact with his child - and yes, this matters just as much as she does.

So, no, there is nothing awful about pointing these facts out, it's helpful. Because she could really destroy things for herself if she keeps demanding he choose her over access to his daughter.

People who have diseases, people who are sick, aren't suddenly in charge of how everyone else feels, their priorities or rights. They do not suddenly trump every other decision you have to make in life, or your right to parent your child.

He was given a choice to possibly really mess up contact with his daughter - something he is terrified of and has had to fight for for years - or delay visiting his sick wife for a few hours.

No drama llama responses are required. He waited a few hours and went to her side. That's it. It's no big deal, whether you like it or not. I can see why it feels like a big deal to the OP, but unfortunately she is not thinking clearly and you are not helping her at all.

Trying to force a parent to choose the possibility of screwing up his access to his daughter (something he absolutely believes even if OP is dismissive of it) and reaming him out on social media for taking a few hours to get to you, refusing to talk to him, refusing to even try to understand that you cannot simply command people to drop important priorities so you can have them there a few hours earlier - now that really is awful.

I wish OP the best in her treatment. She's going to need her husband, hopefully she won't try to make him choose her over access to his daughter, unless it's actually necessary. Because this time, it wasn't.

Yep, you’re right, just re-read and realised OP’s DD is 20. But it still doesn’t change my opinion - especially since he chose that particular day to overstay contact by two hours, despite knowing his wife had been taken to hospital. On MN that may well be applauded as prioritising your child, but in the real world it’s actually shitty, uncaring behaviour. And if you read OP’s updates l don’t think it’s at all the case that her DH is attentive and supportive because he’s not speaking to her after this incident, even though she’s since received a devastating diagnosis. So just when you think the uncaring behaviour couldn’t get any worse…………….

You're incredibly unpleasant, and sound rather unhinged.

He had to fight “tooth and nail” for contact, which is now court ordered. The mother didn’t want him having contact. If he misses contact for any reason the mother can take him back to court to try and reduce his contact. He understandably doesn’t want that

This is my take. Tricky situation, I can see why you're upset but I can also see why he wouldn't drop everything.

Actually the OP states that they're not talking. And again, my reading of her posts lead me to a rather different conclusion than you - to me it sound like a strong relationship that's floundering momentarily whilst they work out the rules around this, their new normal.

Bit ultimately, its not necessary for us to agree and speculation is of no use to the OP who has left the thread

Hi OP, I'm sorry to hear of your illness. It sounds terrifying.

I do think your DH should have attended hospital, not least to advocate for you in your vulnerable condition.

Now, if he'd just recently won limited access to his DD and she was little, I could understand his dilemma. As his DD is 15 y/o and them having had this arrangement for 7 or 8 years, his behavior is outrageous.

Him attending a NOK emergency is not grounds to scrap an access arrangement, especially not as he's been holding to it for years. IANAL but I don't believe the family court would disagree with me.
That leads me to the strangeness of the arrangement. Why is a 15 y/o not able to just get on the bus or her bike and visit her dad? Why hasn't this arrangement - put in place for an 8y/o - not simply timed out? Does she have no freedom of her own? Why has she never asked to meet you or visit his home? Does his DD have special needs? Supervised play isn't age appropriate.

Is there a bit more to this?

Wtf. Did we read the same post? Didn't sound unpleasant or unhinged to me!