AIBU to expect DH to leave contact when I was hospitalised?

[Amioverreactinghmm]

I have been extremely unwell for the past 4 months and have been admitted to hospital for numerous blood transfusions. Im dizzy, sick and faint on a near daily basis, however I received my diagnosis yesterday and a plan is in place for my treatment going forward.

Quick backstory, my dh has a DD aged 15. He only found out about her at 6 yo and since then has fought tooth and nail to be in her life. The courts awarded him 4 hours contact (10-2) on a Saturday and Sunday every week at her aunt's house (mum's sister) as the mum refuses point blank to have any contact with my DH. She didn't want contact, it had to be forced and even then she was held in contempt for refusing a court order.

Anyway on Friday night I was really ill, sickness, temp etc. My DH left on the Saturday morning for his visit and I just got worst throughout the day. At 11.30ish I lost consciousness and my DD (20) panicked and called an ambulance and my DH.

My DH didn't leave, he stayed til his contract time was over and later as well as the sister allowed extra time as his DD was having a water fight with him in the garden so he didn't leave til 4 and didn't get to me in the hospital til the back of 5. I had to have another transfusion.

I feel he should of left when he got the call. He feels he barely gets time with his DD so will soak up every minute he gets. AIBU?

The difference this time wasn’t just her DD calling an ambulance, it was that OP couldn’t be brought round after falling unconscious. DD rang DH to tell him so he couldn’t fail to know the situation. And on a previous occasion a similar situation had been touch and go because she had deteriorated rapidly.

And he didn’t go to the hospital ‘when he could’. He chose to stay with his DD for an extra two hours. No concern for his wife and no concern for his DSD who’s autistic, was panicking, and was then left alone.

His DD is 15 and will soon be old enough to decide when and where she sees her dad. She has his phone number and they text regularly. Had he explained what had happened and left, I doubt DD or the aunt supervising contact would have objected.

I don’t think OP is trying to dictate to him about this, or making him choose between them. From what she says he’s been having regular contact for several years with no difficulties and OP’s health problems have developed over the last few months. I think there was a very reasonable expectation that she would be the priority, given how ill she was. And who isn’t speaking to who ? OP has updated that DH is still refusing to speak to her, despite her receiving an advanced cancer diagnosis in the meantime.

Everyone commenting here knows that if there wasn’t a stepchild involved, the responses to OP would have been very different. Put simply, he prioritised having a water fight in the garden with his DD over getting to his wife’s side after she was taken to hospital as an emergency. It’s shitty, inexcusable behaviour and has led a very sick woman to believe her husband doesn’t care that she’s ill, and on the face of it, she’s right.

OP had fallen into unconsciousness and couldn’t be roused. That’s why she was blue lighted to hospital. Her DD rang DH to tell him what had happened. So despite knowing that she was on her way to hospital as an emergency, unconscious and unresponsive, he chose to stay with his daughter.🤷🏻

I'm sorry you had to deal with this, it must have been really scarey to face that. But no, your DH was 100% correct not to abandon his daughter to rush to your side. As adults out first duty is to the best interests and wellbeing of our children, and our partners/spouses are secondary to that. This creates no conflict when the partner/spouse is the other parent of a child but clearly does when children have parents who are not eachothers spouses - however, these can generally be resolved reasonably within the framework of understanding that each adult is correct to prioritise the
best interests and wellbeing of their own children.

You were safe and receiving the care and attention you needed.

His daughter needs to know that her dad loves her and wants to spend as much time with her as he is allowed. The harm that would be done to her by a visit cut short because he had something better to do would be great.

If your DH has at any point given up a contact opportunity for some other reason (a football match, a stag do) then you have grounds for complaint because he is considering your needs as less important than said football match/stag do. Otherwise, if he genuinely treasures every minute with his DD, then YABU

By the sound of it he has had to really fight for visitation at all because of his controlling ex. How many people here would b e happy seeing their child for 8 hours a week and turning down 2 extra?

Seriously ? In the real world I’d think quite a lot would turn down two extra hours in the same circumstances because they would be more concerned about their wife being taken to hospital unconscious than a water fight in the garden. And the amount of time he’s with DSD versus his own DD is irrelevant in these circumstances - she had to deal with her mum in a very frightening situation and she was then left alone. But hey, DD is the absolute priority.

At 15 y/o, I would have expected any adult in my life to rush to the hospital in the event of their spouse collapsing. I'd have been horrified if they hadn't. I most certainly wouldn't have felt unloved if they had.

I’m sorry you’re so unwell. I do understand how frightening it can be to feel faint and dizzy so much. I really hope your treatment goes well and you start to feel better soon.

However, I do think you’re being a bit unreasonable in expecting your DH to leave the little bit of time he gets with his DD when you already had your DD with you.

It must be hard for him to have to fight so hard and he’s probably afraid that if he left, it could affect any future custody or access. He’s trying to juggle both and that’s not always easy. From his perspective, you were being looked after and he was planning to get there.

shes 15 not 18. In a contentious custody situation it’s highly unlikely she will dictate to her mum custody terms. She didn’t grow up with or watch the break down of the relationship.

who knows how things are for her at home on custody days. It not a thing most children would do nor is it fair for him to put that sort of pressure on her to ask.

court takes time, her mum could stop custody in the mean time. He can’t force her to comply without court. Custody battles and protracted court appearances are stressful and anxiety inducing. Most people avoid them.

it’s very simplistic to say just go to court. I do think he should’ve gotten to you a lot sooner. But I can also understand why he didn’t. Seeing how little power you have to enforce custody agreements once outside of court with noncompliant parents makes reasonable parties often Bend over backwards before they’re will to cause issues. Ultimately they just want to see their children. So they give in for their child. It’s understandable.

He sees her two days every week and was seeing her the very next day.

That's not not alot of time.

His wife was unconscious and rushed to hospital after battling a long illness that has seen her nearly died in the recent past.

Yeah he should have rushed to the hospital. It would have zero repurcussions "he left contact early" " my wife was rushed to hospital in an ambulance unconscious, it was an emergency."

My finger slipped on YANBU instead of YABU - tired eyes.

I get your viewpoint and of course it was horrible for you, but for those times he has to put his daughter first, especially because contact was so difficult to get. You’re not involved in it yet, but absolutely anything that could have let his daughter down could have made the contact stop. His daughter also needs to be feel like first choice to him, or that would upset her and he can’t afford to do that.

I really understand that you are upset though, but he didn’t really have a choice, not if he wanted everything to still go as it is and hopefully progress further.

I hope you’re doing ok x

Judging by many of the posts on here, I can only think that many people don't realise how serious and possibly life threatening being unconscious and unable to be roused actually is.
It's beyond outrageous that OP's husband chose to not prioritise and support his wife in this medical emergency scenario, whatever else he had been doing. The fact he was so unconcerned that he extended his time with his daughter by two hours is just absolutely jaw dropping!

Also, all this poor bloke having to fight for his daughter.

His ex disappeared and hid a baby from him. He faught and got SUPERVISED day visits of an older child. And his ex won't have any contact with him at all.

And now his current wife is battling an illness seeing her in hospital and at times actually nearly dying. And he dgaf.

I'm guessing there's a lot more to him than doting father and OP is probably not treated particularly well in general. People rarely feel this way over one isolated incident from an otherwise dedicated and loving husband.

The thing is, though, that OP was getting the help she really needed from the hospital. It probably seemed to her DH like just one in a succession of dizzy spells and that he couldn't honestly contribute anything much to looking after her - compared with the realistic danger that if he didn't turn up to see his daughter, her mother would seize on it to reduce his right to contact. It's an awful dilemma to be in and I would cut him some slack.

Never had a seizure hey? I am unconscious when they occur I wouldn't expect anybody to come to the hospital with me I'm a grown woman and hospital is the best place to be he knew she was ok and with medical professionals

My reading of it is he gets 8 hours per week: 4 hours Saturday and 4 on Sunday
"The courts awarded him 4 hours contact (10-2) on a Saturday and Sunday every week".

You'll get slaughtered on here for saying that 😂 but I agree with you 💯 💕

He prioritised his daughter who has the threat of getting reduced contact over him. Many people are told there children should come first. Is it because he’s a man that this doesn’t apply?

But no one knew you had cancer at the time, so respectfully, that can’t be used as something to bash your husband with.

And how does he know you were blue lighted if no one was with you to tell him?

It probably sounded like yet another episode and he didn’t appreciate the severity of it. He had to decide whether to drop everything and rush to someone who had been in hospital many times already, or stay a bit longer. You’re judging his actions on the benefit of hindsight with the diagnosis and the rush to hospital but you need to look at what actually happened at the time.

I'm shocked that so many people are saying he should have stayed at the contact session! I am all for parents putting their children before partners im general, but this was a loved one having a medical emergency with noone else suitable present to help! I get the contact attendance is important, but i used to supervise family contact sessions as a job, and he wouldn't have got a black mark for leaving the session in these circumstances.
Is he usually so dismissive of and unsympathetic about the seriousness of your heath concerns?

I am shocked anyone would ever side with dh.

Of course he should have come home immediately, and given your diagnosis and the situation with your health in crisis it is just unthinkable that he didn't.

I would find it hard to get past this op, especially the silent treatment at this point when you are already dealing with so much. Do you have any family or friends that can come and stay for a few days? Or you can stay with them? Getting some space from dh and receiving some love and support is probably a priority. It is not okay at all. Or acceptable.

Ignore the silly posts, and focus on the supportive posts on here. I am really sorry you are going through this. I hope you have RL support and help around you.

I'd be just as angry at your daughter to be honest.

I am so incredibly sorry you are going through all of this, OP. My heart breaks reading this, and I am honestly shocked and disgusted by the negative comments you are receiving. Facing a cervical cancer diagnosis is already so much to bear. It is completely unfair that you had to suffer through the last four months in limbo, enduring such frightening blood loss and transfusions without any answers. Of course your husband should have been right by your side—especially since he was already planning to see his daughter on Sunday anyway.

OP shared in a second post that her daughter is autistic, and couldn't cope with helping her mum go in the ambulance etc.

The daughter is autistic so I think we should cut her some slack.

100% agree with this post.