AIBU to expect DH to leave contact when I was hospitalised?

[Amioverreactinghmm]

I have been extremely unwell for the past 4 months and have been admitted to hospital for numerous blood transfusions. Im dizzy, sick and faint on a near daily basis, however I received my diagnosis yesterday and a plan is in place for my treatment going forward.

Quick backstory, my dh has a DD aged 15. He only found out about her at 6 yo and since then has fought tooth and nail to be in her life. The courts awarded him 4 hours contact (10-2) on a Saturday and Sunday every week at her aunt's house (mum's sister) as the mum refuses point blank to have any contact with my DH. She didn't want contact, it had to be forced and even then she was held in contempt for refusing a court order.

Anyway on Friday night I was really ill, sickness, temp etc. My DH left on the Saturday morning for his visit and I just got worst throughout the day. At 11.30ish I lost consciousness and my DD (20) panicked and called an ambulance and my DH.

My DH didn't leave, he stayed til his contract time was over and later as well as the sister allowed extra time as his DD was having a water fight with him in the garden so he didn't leave til 4 and didn't get to me in the hospital til the back of 5. I had to have another transfusion.

I feel he should of left when he got the call. He feels he barely gets time with his DD so will soak up every minute he gets. AIBU?

Don't be silly, the contact has been happening for nine ish years and no court in the land is going to penalise someone for cutting a contact session short because his wife is seriously ill.

perhaps not. but the child’s mother might. You say yourself that he’s scared to rock the boat in case she stops contact again. He sounds like he’s stuck between a rock and a hard place here.

OP says the ex doesn’t want contact with her DH, so her sister facilitates the contact.

The child is fifteen not five. If they’ve had contact for the last seven years and built a relationship, stopping contact wouldn’t be in the childs’ interests and in any case it’s not going to be long before the ex has no say in what contact they have, or where it takes place.

"He’s basically choosing to be with a child from a previous relationship over supporting what sounds like a very sick wife"

Another MN double standard. Plenty of women post that they will always put their children first and do not get pilloried for it

On this thread a few posters imply seeing his daughter is a cover for having an affair and most likely he didn't turn up because he was inside his side piece instead!

OP by her own admission has been fainting for weeks. This time she has "lost counciousness" but an ambulance has already been called.

Then we get a dripfeed that the DD20 is autistic so she cant get in the ambulance. By the sound of it there's a good chance dsd15 is too

The husband getting to the hospital a few hours earlier would make no difference to her treatment or later diagnosis.

Exactly this.

He should have come straight away, especially as he knew an ambulance had been called. Good luck with your treatment OP.

I agree with you totally. I’m on my third go around with cancer and it sucks arse, but other stuff still goes on and needs taking care of.

How is it a double standard ? How many other threads have you seen where one partner is prioritising staying with a child from a previous relationship over their partner being blue lighted to hospital having collapsed ? And the child isn’t OP’s DSD - they’ve never met and the ex doesn’t want them to. I very much doubt a woman would stay and have a water fight with their child, knowing their husband has been rushed to hospital.

That’s all true, and none of that stops her mother stopping contact. She might be 15 but she still lives in her mothers home and without her mother facilitating contact it can still stop. It’s possible the mother would tell her child that her dad doesn’t want to see her. Change her number. remove devices so she can’t contact him. court dates and so on take time to come through. I’ve seen it happen with my own step child. any time his dad tried to change anything, move a day, she would shut off contact and sometimes even move house. And every time it broke my husbands heart and mine and my children’s hearts.
The man is clearly scared of losing his child. He’s a person too and the OP and him need to talk and both recognise the others feelings here.

I don't know if you are in the UK , but that's not how it works here (OP, I'm assuming you're in UK).

NoK cannot give consent on behalf of another. No- one can. That decision is made either by the patient or by the team looking after then if they are incapacitated (POA aside as totally different matter)

It's really concerning that this myth perpetuates, you tend to see it on the pregnancy/childbirth boards.

Sorry OP, it must have been awful for you. But I don't think it means DH doesn't care about you. His sense of duty to his child took over at that moment.

So given all of that what’s his excuse for staying two full hours after formal contact ended even though he knew OP had been taken to hospital ? Something else is at play here. It sounds like he’s in total denial about how sick OP actually is.

"How is it a double standard ?"

Because this man IS putting his child first and you've advocating his wife should come first. Doesn't matter if it's from a previous relationship; it's still his child, who he can only see for 8 hours out of every 168.

What an appalling unempathetic post.
And it's Op's husband, not boyfriend.

I feel he should of left when he got the call. He feels he barely gets time with his DD so will soak up every minute he gets. It's natural to be upset that he said this. I would have had to press him further to explain exactly what he means. Of course, if it's a question of whether to, say, spend four hours with his daughter versus go to see a film with you or go on an outing with you and your daughter, then that's pretty normal. If he's missing out on one-time things that are important to you (but it's not absolutely crucial that he be there) because he can't adjust the times he sees his daughter, I can still see his point of view even though you may wish he were more flexible. But if he's made a hard and fast rule to spend every possible moment with his daughter at anyone and everyone else's expense, then he's not in the right circumstances or frame of mind to be a partner.

Would he have left if he clearly knew that you were seriously ill, if you were panicked and needed him by your side, if you might not have pulled through? What would it have taken? How would he have known? It could be that he misunderstood the severity of the situation and somehow isn't conveying that to you. He might not even have understood that you would want/need him there under the specific circumstances. But I would want a clear explanation from him now of what, if anything, WOULD be important enough for him to cut his time short, because he's made it sound like nothing would tear him away and that's ridiculous, and cruel.

So do children only come first when it is chldren of the mother when they are posting on MN?

@AnnoyedAsAllHeck and @Delilah26 , what unkind and shaming words!

This is EXACTLY why MH conditions, particularly severe ones, have the stigma they do.

And you are perpetuating it.

I'm reporting your posts.

It’s the fact he stayed on later for a water fight that gets me. Plus he didn’t tell the aunt who sounds very reasonable. And op has had her diagnosis and he’s still being a dick.

what a mess.

im sorry for your diagnosis op. You must be terrified. I think counselling could help here.

Exactly. All sounds slightly odd to me.

Well it depends on whether you think he was right to put his child first, when she would have been perfectly safe without him had he left, whereas his wife had been rushed to hospital. At the age of 15, had he explained the circumstances his DD would likely have understood. And he clearly wasn’t that bothered about OP was he ? Because despite not knowing how she was, he stayed two hours over the contact time before dragging his arse to the hospital. And what of the DD he shares with OP ? She’s autistic and was panicking when she rang him - should he not have thought about her ? Just how far do we take ‘prioritising your child’?

So sorry for what you're going through.
If it helps - some people may have voted YABU before your clarified that your adult DD couldn't go to the hospital with you. And the diagnosis you're dealing with.

If your DH is not usually uncaring and thoughtless... it may be that he is overwhelmed by and still coming to terms with your health situation. And it was easier to stay in the little bubble world that is his contact time with daughter.

I hope you can find some common understanding soon.
Wishing you well on all fronts.

The mother doesn't facilitate the contact and has been jailed in the past for contempt of court for not doing so. The supportive aunt facilitates the contact, and none of the scenarios you mention would therefore apply in this situation.
It's hard to imagine that a husband could have made the decision he did in these circumstances, with a gravely ill unconscious wife blue lighted to hospital.
And to add insult to injury, he remained at the contact session for an additional two hours longer.
What's the point of being married to someone if they don't have your back in an emergency- and it was an emergency, despite what some others on here have said about the longer term nature of OP's illness.
OP - I'm so sorry you were treated like that, and have to deal with it while being so ill. I wish you strength and better times ahead, and I really hope that you have some wonderful close friends that you can rely upon to be there when needed.

Is he a greater priority to you than your dd then? Or is that different?

I think it’s more a question of how far do you prioritise your children, given the situation. OP is clearly very unwell and l think the fact that she was being taken care of medically is irrelevant. Her DH stayed a full two hours after contact ended - l can well understand why she feels she does. Because he hasn’t prioritised her at all has he ? And he and OP share a DD of their own who is autistic and she was left to deal with the situation - she rang him clearly panicking. Where was his concern for her ?