AIBU to expect DH to leave contact when I was hospitalised?

[Amioverreactinghmm]

I have been extremely unwell for the past 4 months and have been admitted to hospital for numerous blood transfusions. Im dizzy, sick and faint on a near daily basis, however I received my diagnosis yesterday and a plan is in place for my treatment going forward.

Quick backstory, my dh has a DD aged 15. He only found out about her at 6 yo and since then has fought tooth and nail to be in her life. The courts awarded him 4 hours contact (10-2) on a Saturday and Sunday every week at her aunt's house (mum's sister) as the mum refuses point blank to have any contact with my DH. She didn't want contact, it had to be forced and even then she was held in contempt for refusing a court order.

Anyway on Friday night I was really ill, sickness, temp etc. My DH left on the Saturday morning for his visit and I just got worst throughout the day. At 11.30ish I lost consciousness and my DD (20) panicked and called an ambulance and my DH.

My DH didn't leave, he stayed til his contract time was over and later as well as the sister allowed extra time as his DD was having a water fight with him in the garden so he didn't leave til 4 and didn't get to me in the hospital til the back of 5. I had to have another transfusion.

I feel he should of left when he got the call. He feels he barely gets time with his DD so will soak up every minute he gets. AIBU?

She was in the process of being diagnosed with cancer. They both knew this.

He's had to normalise her being ill and has carer burnout before she's even got through the diagnosis stage? How pathetic. What a ridiculously low expectation of someone. But OP is supposed to be being rational and sensible and caring about HIS worries while SHE is ill.

Yes she has collapsed before, and nearly died that time. So not exactly a normal, no concern event. Someone has collapsed, is unconscious and unrousable who has nearly died in previous episodes, rather serious. Your wife very well may be dying right now. Have fun, you've earned it, all that watching someone suffer is exhausting isn't it.

He has no reason to believe contact with his daughter can be removed. He has a court order in place. The mother of his child has already spent time in prison for attempting to break it. It's rather iron clad. The child is a teenager and at her aunties. There is zero risk that leaving a contact session would impact future contact. Especially even leaving ON TIME rather than 2 hours late.

Maybe from your point of view. But I think it's incredibly sad you think we should expect so little from men. The bar really is in hell isn't it.

He should have driven to the hospital. A while ago I was hospitalised whilst partner was working away. Slightly different circumstances but he didn't come back. He could of but he didn't. When he did get home and saw the state of me he was mortified and spent months apologising. It didn't make any difference. I really resented him and said to him that I was obviously a lower priority than his job. I'm not sure I ever felt the same about him after that.

@Delilah26 It's as if you think repeating your opinion (and it is just an opinion and your interpretation of the 'facts') over and over and over will somehow change other people's opinions.
It won't, so you may as well stop.

At least he felt terrible and spent months apologizing, and he truly understands how badly he hurt you now. I hope you can find some comfort in that, and that you are able to forgive him.

Sorry, what ? It’s the girl’s mum who insisted on this arrangement.

😂😂 pretty much what I said but she has a vagina and that means she's right 😊 I feel sorry for the husband that didn't know about her and is now trying to make up for it and everyone on here is saying his wrong to do so?

You clearly think it’s reasonable for him to have done what he did, and that OP shouldn’t be resentful at all. Taking all of the emotion and humanity out of it, and painting OP as manipulative, as you have done repeatedly in your posts doesn’t change a thing.

The timing of the cancer diagnosis is irrelevant because as OP actually said, her cancer markers were sky high and the biopsy results were only confirming what they pretty much already knew. So at the very least DH would have known cancer was a high probability. Not that it mattered at that point because what was right in front of him was that his wife was unconscious and on her way to hospital.

Without dressing anything up, the facts here are that OP wasn’t well and was deteriorating on the day of his contact visit. He chose to still go and left what was his significantly unwell wife in the care of her autistic daughter. When DSD rang him at around 11.30 in a panic, after finding OP unresponsive and having called an ambulance, he then chose to stay with his DD, despite knowing that DSD was panicking and alone.

So despite the fact that this was the first time an ambulance had been called and OP was treated as an emergency, DH preferred to stay with his DD rather than go to the hospital. He assumed OP would be OK, even though on a previous occasion she nearly died in similar circumstances. He even stayed two hours past normal contact time because he was enjoying himself having a water fight. The ambulance was called at around 11.30 am and it took him until after 5pm to get to the hospital.

You may think that’s acceptable, but out there in the real world it demonstrates an appalling lack of concern. And if he has carer burnout after four months and before OP even had her formal diagnosis, then the worry is that he won’t last the distance. He’s displayed a disturbingly relaxed attitude to his wife’s illness and made it clear that his needs come first.

OP is going to need a lot of support through the next year - maybe longer, depending on treatment and prognosis. Either he hasn’t grasped the seriousness of the situation, or he’s so deep in denial that if something doesn’t change he’s not going to be much use to her.

OP has a long, hard road in front of her. Cancer treatment is brutal, frightening and unforgiving, and it’s not selfish or manipulative for OP to want the reassurance that her DH will be there to support her. So far, he’s done a piss poor job.

Er, not what you said at all - you said you feel sorry for the mum, when it’s the mum who’s calling the shots. And nobody has said DH is wrong for building a relationship with his DD. At all. Very strange post.

I think it's absolutely disgusting that the DH didn't go straight to the hospital to be with OP, I can hardly believe that he didn't! What if OP had passed away? What happened to the marriage vows 'in sickness and in health', you can't just care for your spouse/partner in a health crisis when you've nothing else to do!

Personally, any close family member having a life threatening health crisis would come first to me, before ANY activity I was enjoying, I'd be rushing to the hospital to be with them to offer love and support and let them know they were not fighting alone and I'm sad to hear that there are people who would do anything other than that.

I don't feel sorry for the mum I'm on the husband's side I can understand him not wanting to rock the boat

Where has anyone called him an arsehole for caring about his child ? He’s an arsehole for putting a perfectly safe and well child before his wife, to the extent of overstaying his contact time by two hours even though he knew she’d been rushed to hospital. That’s the actual issue here. And the child’s aunt sounds like a decent person - she was the one who told him that he had a child. I wonder what her opinion of him would have been if she’d known that while he was enjoying a water fight in the garden with DD, his wife was being treated in A&E having been blue lighted there unconscious and unresponsive.

Is there a reason another family member couldn't come until dh was avaliable?

I can see both sides. Your dh doesn't want his daughter thinks she plays second wheel to his wife. Naturally your super upset he wasnt there to support you.

Honesty I dont think theres a right or wrong answer to this

Surely at the very least, he could have left the contact session on time, rather than staying an extra two hours?
The central issue though is that he didn't leave immediately, given such a huge emergency- OP was unconscious and couldn't be roused! For all he knew, she could have been about to die, but in any event he couldn't prioritise in any way at a time when she really needed it.
Really despicable behaviour in my view.

When you say you lost consciousness - how long did this last? Why was it different to your previous faints ( which are a loss of consciousness ) and had your daughter been able to clearly define to DH how unwell you were?

I wondered about this,not to mention the child having every weekend committed. Does she never spend the day hanging out with friends or in town? Does the OP never get a weekend day out with her husband?

Excellent summary. Completely agree.

It's baffling how any reasonable person could defend staying an extra 2 hours! It would be interesting to ask your DHs what they would have done in the same boat —I know mine would have been absolutely appalled by this.

"thread hogger's endless attempts to lecture and waffle."
Oh the irony...