AIBU to expect DH to leave contact when I was hospitalised?

[Amioverreactinghmm]

I have been extremely unwell for the past 4 months and have been admitted to hospital for numerous blood transfusions. Im dizzy, sick and faint on a near daily basis, however I received my diagnosis yesterday and a plan is in place for my treatment going forward.

Quick backstory, my dh has a DD aged 15. He only found out about her at 6 yo and since then has fought tooth and nail to be in her life. The courts awarded him 4 hours contact (10-2) on a Saturday and Sunday every week at her aunt's house (mum's sister) as the mum refuses point blank to have any contact with my DH. She didn't want contact, it had to be forced and even then she was held in contempt for refusing a court order.

Anyway on Friday night I was really ill, sickness, temp etc. My DH left on the Saturday morning for his visit and I just got worst throughout the day. At 11.30ish I lost consciousness and my DD (20) panicked and called an ambulance and my DH.

My DH didn't leave, he stayed til his contract time was over and later as well as the sister allowed extra time as his DD was having a water fight with him in the garden so he didn't leave til 4 and didn't get to me in the hospital til the back of 5. I had to have another transfusion.

I feel he should of left when he got the call. He feels he barely gets time with his DD so will soak up every minute he gets. AIBU?

It isn’t factual at all. You don’t get a phone call one day telling you you have cancer. There are rafts of tests and they will pretty much know what they are looking at before the final confirmation tests come in. That’s what happened to me - pretty much told they knew it was cancer but they couldn’t confirm until the biopsy and this sounds like what happened to OP. So they both knew. Only difference is that OP accepted it, and DH is deep in denial and acting like a twat.

I could get on board with him not wanting to jeopardise contact with his DD, but overstaying by two hours when he knew OP had been taken to hospital as an emergency and didn’t know how she was, to my mind is unforgivable. He made her feel unloved and not a priority at a time when she’s facing an uphill battle.

You appear to be replying to a post I didn't write.

Everything I said was factual. Nobody suggested she got a phone call one day or any other invention.

She found out AFTER the ambulance that she had cancer. That's just a fact.

He turned up to the hospital a few hours later, and has been taking her to hospital for months. That's also just a fact.

He did nothing wrong. In my opinion, that's just a fact.

Not what happened to me. They found the growth the week before I was diagnosed, and did a biopsy and brought me back in for the diagnosis.

The raft of tests happened after the diagnosis.

So your experience is not necessarily the same as OP’s.

Good lord you are toxic. Seek help.

But she would have had a good idea BEFORE the ambulance that she had it. That’s the point. They were waiting for the biopsy results to confirm - if it was anything like my own cancer diagnosis they knew what they were looking at long before the biopsy results and I was prepared to have it confirmed.

And he’s been taking OP to hospital for four months. The treatment she’s facing will affect her for a year or more, depending on how advanced the cancer is, and it sounds as though if any aspect of her treatment interferes with his contact time, she’ll be left to get on with it because his DD is now his priority. He had his contact time. He knew OP was rushed to hospital but he still overstayed that contact time by two hours. That sends a particular message - OP is not, and never will be his priority, no matter how ill she is. I also think it indicates he’s in denial about how sick she is - at least I hope so, because otherwise his behaviour is just uncaring.

Anyway, I've laid out facts and my points clearly, so there's no more to be said.

You are entitled to your opinion. I disagree entirely.

It’s not necessarily different from what OP says though . A marker for cancer was sky high. They pretty much knew it was cancer. The biopsy confirmed the type and grade, followed by more tests to stage it.

It’s not an opinion, it’s lived experience. But thanks for dismissing it.

Thought just occurred to me that perhaps he did stay longer deliberately because he was enjoying the calm and peace where he was, before going to the hospital for more stress and worry. An escape from reality so to speak, and considering he didn’t know the seriousness of the situation, is that so bad?

In addition to my mum who had had many emergency trips to the hospital (the person I referred to above), I have also spent a lot of time in hospital with both my children. When my husband comes to take over for a couple of hours so I can go home and shower, eat a proper meal, etc, I don’t always rush back to the hospital after I’ve showered and eaten because I just desperately need some me time. I’m not an awful mother for doing that and it doesn’t mean that my children are not a priority. It just means I’m a human being who needs some normality in those moments.

Fucking hell, this thread is showing me that between my own cancer, my mum’s sick episodes and the numerous admissions between my two children, I’ve spent a shit load amount of time dealing with sickness, hospitals and stress. No wonder I have so many grey hairs!

MN is so far removed from reality sometimes, it’s difficult to grasp.

Because this is the first time OP couldn’t be roused. This is the first time she was taken to hospital as an emergency. And because on a previous occasion it was touch and go whether she survived. And not only did he not cut short his contact with his DD, he overstayed by two hours. Way to show his wife where she is in the pecking order.

I have stated the facts. You are entitled to your opinion.

I disagree entirely.

Oh give over

This is code for "You've made valid, fair points and done so respectfully. But I am emotionally invested in disagreeing with you so will attempt to minimise you.

I mean, at least you're not up and down the thread calling people cunts 😅

No, it doesn't in this case. It just means 'You've already made the same point over and over again, and can you please stop repeating yourself.'

PS @Delilah26 I haven't seen anyone on this thread calling people 'cunts'. Apologies if I missed those posts.

No matter we what the update l think that the person with the most immediate need should take precedence

Off topic but I feel really sorry for the girl’s mum, never ever getting a full day on a weekend to spend with her child. Awful

Yes, you did miss that post. She specifically said the cunt farm gates had been opened. When I queried if she was calling OP or herself a cunt, as my message had not been deserving of being called a cunt she very specifically said No, you are.

I haven't bothered to check the thread maybe someone reported it.

Of course ☹️ so it's ok to feel sorry for her but his apparently an arsehole for caring about his child?

Yes men do leave their sick wives alot, because they're selfish cunts who don't give a shit about their wives. You're assuming he's been heavily involved in her care up until now. She hasn't said that. She has actually said that he HASN'T been taking her to appointments.

We all just know and expect men not to care for women when they're ill. So we treat it as acceptable. It's just a running joke that if you're ill don't tell your husband because he'll make it harder.

We tell women "in sickness and in health" "he can't depend on you in the hard time" "he's provided for you and now it's hard you're not pulling your weight" after YEARS of providing extensive care, organising treatments, being treated like an emotional punching bag because he's ill. Then a woman gets ill and she's being selfish and pathetic for wanting her husband to give a shit enough to come to the hospital when he has other plans. People actually suggesting that a husband should even bother coming to the hospital because what can he do for her there?

Again just normalising and protecting male incompetence. "He'd be no help" well maybe thats the fucking problem. Because you know damn well there's plenty you'd do to help someone that's unconscious in the hospital, but you couldn't possibly expect that level of care and support from a man could you. It's just perpetuating the belief that men are useless and selfish and a woman is ridiculous for wanting more from a man.

If someone you love and are responsible for as their next of kin, you absolutely fucking go to the hospital.

Not in a million years would anybody be telling OP she did the right thing by leaving her unconscious husband alone in the hospital. Because we expect better from women don't we.

A woman is seriously, incredibly ill, and her husband is ignoring her because he's upset that she's upset. It's a fucking disgrace.