AIBU to expect DH to leave contact when I was hospitalised?

[Amioverreactinghmm]

I have been extremely unwell for the past 4 months and have been admitted to hospital for numerous blood transfusions. Im dizzy, sick and faint on a near daily basis, however I received my diagnosis yesterday and a plan is in place for my treatment going forward.

Quick backstory, my dh has a DD aged 15. He only found out about her at 6 yo and since then has fought tooth and nail to be in her life. The courts awarded him 4 hours contact (10-2) on a Saturday and Sunday every week at her aunt's house (mum's sister) as the mum refuses point blank to have any contact with my DH. She didn't want contact, it had to be forced and even then she was held in contempt for refusing a court order.

Anyway on Friday night I was really ill, sickness, temp etc. My DH left on the Saturday morning for his visit and I just got worst throughout the day. At 11.30ish I lost consciousness and my DD (20) panicked and called an ambulance and my DH.

My DH didn't leave, he stayed til his contract time was over and later as well as the sister allowed extra time as his DD was having a water fight with him in the garden so he didn't leave til 4 and didn't get to me in the hospital til the back of 5. I had to have another transfusion.

I feel he should of left when he got the call. He feels he barely gets time with his DD so will soak up every minute he gets. AIBU?

When a medical emergency strikes, the choice is clear: his wife was the priority because their daughter was completely fine.

Oops! His daughter (not their daughter)

this is often the type of visitation that is offered when introducing a child to absent parent. And you either make a timeline of when it will change but this requires cooperation from the resident parent.

of she isn’t cooperative you’d go back to court to change terms, and then she stops contact has to be compelled over and over and over.

he may have just decided not to rock the boat until she is old enough to make the decision herself. Which may be 16 or 18. And less reliant on adults for transport £ etc.

I know, but that wouldn't allow her to attend Family Court hearings where she has an interest. If anything it would preclude her.

I have been where you are, and i know it’s scary and overwhelming and I do have a lot of sympathy for you. I can just also see the other side of picture with experience of a co-parent who is difficult and withholds contact and how awful that is as a parent.

From what I can see of this situation I think it comes down to what is he normally like as a husband, is he usually supportive? helpful? If not and this is part of a wider pattern of behaviour then I’d be considering my marriage, if it’s not usual for him then you need to try and talk to him and find a way to accept that he made a choice that may have been wrong, but he didn’t do it to purposely upset you.

You've fainted nearly every day for 4 months. Why would he think it's an emergency that requires him to cut short his contact with his DD? YABU.

Because he's her husband, and should love her and be worried sick about her ill-health?

I didn't know that- thanks for explaining

Because his autistic SDD told him that her mum had got to the point of hospitalisation. This didn't cut short contact, in fact he increased it.

can anyone read she unconscious and couldn't be brought round how does anyone think that's ok? she faints all the time I'll just wait a couple of hours. she could be dead for all he knows

Unwell people can be manipulative too. Unwell people can be selfish too. Being unwell can make you selfish. There is nothing at all cruel or outlandish about that, it's intended as a reminder.

So again, the husband DID NOT KNOW she had cancer. Because OP DID NOT KNOW she had cancer at that point.

OP found this out later and has introduced it to the thread to try to make her case against her DH parenting his child more solid.

The husband has genuine reasons for concern that he will LOSE ACCESS to the child he fought so hard to see, and despite OP deciding his genuine concerns don't matter, they are still very much still his genuine concerns.

DH has been caregiing OP, taking her to regular hospital visits, and far as he knew this was just another medical incident in a long line which he has already been dealing with.

The only difference between this and all the other many hospital visits was that her daughter called an ambulance. Going to the hospital because she is sick is not an abnormal or unusual event. She has collapsed before too.

The phone call came from a girl who could not cope with getting in the ambulance and locked herself in her room rather than going to the hospital (no judgement on her, just stating facts). We do not know what she told him and we do not know how well DH can trust her judgement. We do know she doesn't cope with stress.

Stating these facts does not minimise OPs illness and is not cruel.

Her DH had, as every single caregiver has to, normalised her becoming ill. This is the only way to survive caregiving becoming your life - you have to be pragmatic about it.

Her DH WENT TO THE HOSPITAL, but he didn't drop something very important to him and go immediately, he went a few hours later.

OP is hurting nobody but herself by continuing this tirade against her husband. Let it go. Talk about what you want from him in future and also LISTEN TO HIM as he is not a paid nurse, he is allowed to live his life as best he can around your illness.

Sickness and in health does not mean "you will do as I say at all times drop anything I tell you to instantaneously and if you do not do this I will publicly slag you off and try to stonewall you back into compliance".

He is there in OPs sickness, he's just not an automaton with no right to care about anything else at all.

OP asked, people answered.

Wishing the OP good luck with her medical treatments, and good luck being able to absorb the reality that one thousand, one hundred and thirty online strangers have told her she is wrong.

How many times have you been "rushed" into hospital? How many times has it been "life or death". Sometimes empathy burnout can happen. Are you terminal?

Have a word with yourself. Fucksake.

@ThreadGuardDog and @Mumtotornadoes

Where does OP say she has stage 4 cancer? I can’t see where she’s posted that?

Cervical cancer is rarely terminal nowadays. It also doesn't tend to cause daily fainting and transfusions. Just pointing out we only have one sid of rhis story and the OPs husband may be at saturation point. Carer stress is a very real thing. Especially with ill people who are very demanding. That doesn't minimise the OPs illness but there is clearly more to this.

Agree. I had an informal diagnosis long before the last test results to confirm came back. They knew what they were looking at, and I was prepared for the diagnosis, as it sounds as though OP was. This is one of the worst threads I’ve seen. Since when does a fifteen year old who was safe and cared for represent a higher priority than a wife who has been blue lighted to hospital unconscious and unresponsive. In the real world the posters supporting this would be handed their arses.

If caught in the early stages, yes.
You have no idea what stage OPs illness is at, so no way of predicting outcome.
I hope you're not an actual GP because if so, you're staggeringly unprofessional as well as callous.

Oh, are you saying the OP is a cunt? Or that you are?

You definitely could not be saying something so vile and misogynistic about my post, as it's just factual.

Despite your inflated ego and inability to express yourself respectfully, you're a horrible person. Just so you know :)

It's like they're so keen to make their shitty little point about how unimportant stepmothers are that they've stooped to bullying and mocking a cancer patient.

Awful awful people.

Saturation point four months in ? My cancer treatment lasted nearly two years and my DH was with me every step of the way. And you clearly are attempting to minimise OP’s illness. She’s reported the circumstances and what’s been happening and that she now has a cancer diagnosis. Carer stress is one thing - being diagnosed with a life threatening illness is quite another.

She has a point. Those of us who have had a family member in hospital for an emergency repeatedly understand this. It really isn’t that you don’t care, but if it’s the same issue repeatedly, being there is less of a priority because you know the drill. You know they are in safe hands, you know they will be ok as they’ve been ok every other time. The first few times, you do drop everything and be there. After a while, you will first finish that work matter you’re working on then head to the hospital, then next time you’ll finish your lunch first before heading over, and so on.

Obviously if it’s more serious than normal, or different issue then that’s different, but it really isn’t that you don’t care. It’s that life has to carry on as normal.

And before anyone comes at me, I had cancer in my late teens and months of chemotherapy and several surgeries, so I’ve been on both sides - the sick patient and the family member of a sick patient.

I mean I would say posters making up that she’s stage 4 when OP has said nothing of the sort are also making shitty points (and not saying she’s not, just that she hasn’t confirmed yet posters are banging on about it)