AIBU to expect DH to leave contact when I was hospitalised?

[Amioverreactinghmm]

I have been extremely unwell for the past 4 months and have been admitted to hospital for numerous blood transfusions. Im dizzy, sick and faint on a near daily basis, however I received my diagnosis yesterday and a plan is in place for my treatment going forward.

Quick backstory, my dh has a DD aged 15. He only found out about her at 6 yo and since then has fought tooth and nail to be in her life. The courts awarded him 4 hours contact (10-2) on a Saturday and Sunday every week at her aunt's house (mum's sister) as the mum refuses point blank to have any contact with my DH. She didn't want contact, it had to be forced and even then she was held in contempt for refusing a court order.

Anyway on Friday night I was really ill, sickness, temp etc. My DH left on the Saturday morning for his visit and I just got worst throughout the day. At 11.30ish I lost consciousness and my DD (20) panicked and called an ambulance and my DH.

My DH didn't leave, he stayed til his contract time was over and later as well as the sister allowed extra time as his DD was having a water fight with him in the garden so he didn't leave til 4 and didn't get to me in the hospital til the back of 5. I had to have another transfusion.

I feel he should of left when he got the call. He feels he barely gets time with his DD so will soak up every minute he gets. AIBU?

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

OP, if you do come back, I'm sorry about this set of issues.
One thing jumps out at me though. How were you able to attend the hearings in a Family Court?
Your husband's decisions regarding where he should be, with who, and when, aside, he should be taking legal advice regarding the CAO.

You must come from a very strange family, sorry for you.

I'm only coming back cause you really fuck me off.
I didn't all of a sudden get a call out the blue saying...you have cancer!!!
My CA125...a tumor marker blood test came back sky high. They prepared us for the high possibility of it being cancer. We were just waiting for the biopsy to confirm it.
We knew. He knew.
I don't need to tell Mumsnet every sordid detail of my medical history but on that day he knew fine well exactly how serious it was.

Also he hasn't been running me here there and everywhere. You have absolutely no idea what your talking about so just bugger off.

A fifteen year old girl is fully able to understand a medical emergency, as is her aunt. There was no need for her mother to even find out he'd left the contact early if he had just explained the situation to them. There's no way they would have allowed this to jeapordise ongoing contact, given how much the aunt has put into it. At the very least, he shoyld have left as soon as he could. Instead he stayed having fun with his daughter past the recommended contact hours, knowing his wife had been taken unconscious to hospital in an ambulance. And presumably left his terrified stepdaughter home alone worrying about her mother. FOR LONGER THAN HE NEEDED TO.

And now he knows for certain she's got cancer, and he's not speaking to her. Pathetic excuse for a husband.

OP works for the courts service.

Quite frankly it's worse that he didn't KNOW what was causing it. Someone else related it to epilepsy. If you know why someone is unwell and it's a long term illness that you know why it's causing these particular symptoms, it's not as worrying.

He didn't know WHY his wife was unconscious, unable to be woken and being rushed to hospital, he did know that last time this happened she nearly died.

He DOES now KNOW his wife has stage 4 cancer. And is still giving her the silent treatment. A woman is potentially dying of cancer and her husband is sulking because SHE WAS UPSET that he had stayed an extra 2 hours, knowing she was potentially dying in hospital.

The daughter is old enough to understand "my wife is unconscious and in an ambulance to hospital, I'm so sorry, I have to go, I'll call you later and see you tomorrow, I love you" no court in the land would penalise him.

He didn't WANT to go to hospital to care for his wife. People that are unconscious in hospital typically need their next of kin to advocate for them. Being alone in hospital is dangerous, it is not simply the best place to be. Plenty of people are forgotten and neglected, you need someone to advocate for you. He would rather have a water fight

Quite frankly it's worse that he didn't KNOW what was causing it. Someone else related it to epilepsy. If you know why someone is unwell and it's a long term illness that you know why it's causing these particular symptoms, it's not as worrying.

He didn't know WHY his wife was unconscious, unable to be woken and being rushed to hospital, he did know that last time this happened she nearly died.

He DOES now KNOW his wife has stage 4 cancer. And is still giving her the silent treatment. A woman is potentially dying of cancer and her husband is sulking because SHE WAS UPSET that he had stayed an extra 2 hours, knowing she was potentially dying in hospital.

The daughter is old enough to understand "my wife is unconscious and in an ambulance to hospital, I'm so sorry, I have to go, I'll call you later and see you tomorrow, I love you" no court in the land would penalise him.

He didn't WANT to go to hospital to care for his wife. People that are unconscious in hospital typically need their next of kin to advocate for them. Being alone in hospital is dangerous, it is not simply the best place to be. Plenty of people are forgotten and neglected, you need someone to advocate for you. He would rather have a water fight

I cannot see how you can even look at him now, I'd divorce the shady fucker then he can spend all his time not fucking up you and you DDs life. You've been more than patient with this loser. Nobody can say you knew what you were getting into so now they are minimising your diagnosis and medical emergency cause he chose to extend his contact. He is a sulky shite and your daughter needs much better than a weekday only fair weather stepdad. Fuck him off OP x

Of course he knew and so did OP. They don’t just ring you out of the blue with a cancer diagnosis. OP will have had a raft of tests and will have been advised that they suspect cancer - that it’s a possibility, or even a probability. And from what OP says it’s advanced cancer requiring surgery and chemo, so it’s certainly been discussed. And on that basis your suggestion that OP is using her cancer diagnosis to make a case against him seeing his daughter is shameful.

How did he find out about his daughter if the mother wants nothing to do with him?

I am sorry for your diagnosis and can understand why you are upset. However I can see his point of view too. He struggled to gain access to his daughter and he knows that his daughter's mother is quite happy to use her as a weapon.

I am sure that the daughter and the aunt would be very understanding of the situation however I suspect the mother would not. She could easily make contact hard if not stop it totally. Can he afford the cost/time and stress of going back to court.

I assume when you were taken to hospital you were triaged etc so there was very little that he could do for you at the time.

Again however I totally get your view point too.

"A fifteen year old girl is fully able to understand a medical emergency"

Usually this is true but we don't know much about the 15 year old. She could be autistic herself, or have some other emotional / developmental issues.

Absolutely this. Some of the posts here are utterly unbelievable. So is the fact that he overstayed on his contact time by two hours after being told his wife had been blue lighted to hospital. He’s either the most unfeeling, selfish twat on the planet, or he’s in serious denial about how sick his wife actually is. Either way he’s made OP feel completely unimportant when she’s about to fact a battle with stage four cancer. All he had to do was tell his DD and her aunt what the situation was and they would have understood. He would have been back the following day anyway. If there hadn’t been a stepchild involved the replies here would have been very different.

You’re not triaged when you’re taken into A&E unconscious and unresponsive as an emergency. You go straight to resus. OP said that this is the first time they haven’t been able to revive her at home, and that was why she was blue lighted to hospital - she also said it was touch and go on a previous occasion. He should have been there, and I suspect he knows it. I’d have had more sympathy for him had he stayed until the end of contact time and gone straight to the hospital - he didn’t. He overstayed by two hours. If I were the OP that would tell me exactly where I was in his priorities and I’d be rethinking the relationship.

The aunt (mum’s sister) contacted him to tell him he had a child.

To be honest I think I’d be rethinking the relationship at this point. He’s shown OP that she’s not very high on his list of priorities, despite a stage four cancer diagnosis. Having been through the same myself I know how brutal the next few months are going to be for OP and I’d be concerned that he wouldn’t be much use going forward as he seems to be in total denial about the whole situation. OP is going to need a lot of support and if I were her, I’d be looking for it elsewhere. Yes, his DD should be a priority, she’s his daughter, but not to the exclusion of all else.

Nope. The OP has stage four cancer - that means it’s spread. Having been through this process myself I can tell you that you don’t just get a phone call out of the blue telling you you have cancer. There would have been a raft of testing and OP would have been advised as to the possibility or probability of cancer. You get to a stage with testing whereby they are looking to confirm what they already know, so both OP and her DH would have known what was coming. To call that manipulative is disgusting.

He would not be able to consent to or refuse treatment on behalf of an adult who lacks cspacity for whatever reason. Treatment is given in the best interests of the pt, sometimes, bot not necessarily, after discussion with the nearest family member or friend. So the word that is wrong here is 'consents'. It is the law.

I'd be so disappointed too OP. For your sake and that of your DD, I truly hope you pull through and make a full recovery - and then deal with him. I suspect this episode won't be forgotten or easily forgiven.

Not sure how anyone can be selfish, whilst they are unconscious.

@ThreadGuardDog —apt name— I can’t see in the OPs posts that she says she has stage 4 cervical cancer?

Me neither. Let's hope its not the case.

OP you might be better reposting in relationships. It’s a lot more supportive and doesn’t attract the same keyboard warriors who are only here to criticise and run. Some of the replies you’ve had are unbelievable - literally. I don’t believe that some of the posters would accept his behaviour and prostrate themselves at the altar of a child if they were in the same situation as yourself. It’s batshit.

I had a similar cancer diagnosis myself two years ago. If my DH had behaved like this I’m not sure I’d still be with him. I can understand the fear that his contact with his DD will be jeopardised if he leaves contact early but given that she’s fifteen and contact is facilitated by the aunt who actually told him he had a child, I think the chances of that are very small.

A stage four cancer diagnosis is very, very scary. I don’t think many posters here appreciate that that means it’s spread, treatment is onerous and there are no guarantees. You’re facing an uphill battle and you’re going to need a lot of support.

To my mind, your DH has shown you that you’re not much of a priority and his DD comes first. Not sure whether that’s because he’s actually prioritising her or if he’s just deep in denial about how sick you are. But that’s irrelevant to you in your situation. You need to make sure that you have the support you need in place in the coming months, because the treatment is brutal. You also need to talk and find out what’s going on with him, because I guarantee that there’s more than what’s on the surface. Very difficult if he’s still holding you to account for telling it like it is. I’m so sorry you haven’t had more support here and if you want to PM me I’d be very happy to talk about my own experience if you think it will help.

OP you've basically been cast in the role of stepmother here, although that isn't quite your circumstances.
And there are, as you've seen, a group of MN keyboard warriors that think a man has to prioritise his children with is ex at all costs. Not just their wants over your wants, or their needs over your needs, but their tiniest want has to come way ahead of your biggest need. Which is literally what your circumstances have illustrated - fucking around having a waterfight while his very unwell wife had emergency hospital treatment.

It's also why I'd have left my husband if a surprise child had popped up.