AIBU to expect DH to leave contact when I was hospitalised?

[Amioverreactinghmm]

I have been extremely unwell for the past 4 months and have been admitted to hospital for numerous blood transfusions. Im dizzy, sick and faint on a near daily basis, however I received my diagnosis yesterday and a plan is in place for my treatment going forward.

Quick backstory, my dh has a DD aged 15. He only found out about her at 6 yo and since then has fought tooth and nail to be in her life. The courts awarded him 4 hours contact (10-2) on a Saturday and Sunday every week at her aunt's house (mum's sister) as the mum refuses point blank to have any contact with my DH. She didn't want contact, it had to be forced and even then she was held in contempt for refusing a court order.

Anyway on Friday night I was really ill, sickness, temp etc. My DH left on the Saturday morning for his visit and I just got worst throughout the day. At 11.30ish I lost consciousness and my DD (20) panicked and called an ambulance and my DH.

My DH didn't leave, he stayed til his contract time was over and later as well as the sister allowed extra time as his DD was having a water fight with him in the garden so he didn't leave til 4 and didn't get to me in the hospital til the back of 5. I had to have another transfusion.

I feel he should of left when he got the call. He feels he barely gets time with his DD so will soak up every minute he gets. AIBU?

And as I understand it, OP and her husband didn’t know she had cancer either, so banging on about that isn’t really helpful when it doesn’t add any context to the situation.

I find all this 'he was rightly prioritising his daughter' stuff completely bizarre. His daughter was safe and well at her aunt's house. His wife was being taken to hospital by ambulance. Of course his wife should be the priority at that particular moment in time. There shouldn't be a blanket rule of 'children always come first in every possible scenario and at all times' - because clearly there are situations like this where someone else's need is greater.

OP, I’m sorry you’ve had to experience all of this.

I would look at counselling for you. Use MacMillan - they provide counselling and other support.

Can you lean on your own family - parents, siblings etc. regarding your health? I believe you should prioritise you and leave the issues with your husband aside until a time when you feel robust enough to deal with him abandoning you when you needed him.

Right now, he and his custody issues are not important to you, your health has to be the priority.

Wishing you well.

RTFT re contact arrangements.

If the wife and child were both having a medical emergency then okay, that's one thing.
But this was his wife, with cancer, having a medical crises, vs him titting around having a water fight.

Genuine question OP, what do you want to happen going forwards?

You say you’ve been unwell and in and out of hospital for months and pass out all the time. If this continues to happen when he’s with his DD and you keep getting hospitalised what is it you want him to do? I think you need to think about this and have a plan of action going forward if it keeps happening. I think you need to have a think about what you want if you don’t like his answer either.

She's been diagnosed with cancer. She's clearly seriously unwell.

Except she’s had several medical emergencies so after a while it becomes a matter of routine. And they didn’t know she had cancer at the time.

I’m really not unsympathetic. As someone with a close family member who has had a lot of medical emergencies, the first few are terrifying and you drop everything but after a while, it becomes less of a drop everything because you know the drill and you know they’re in safe hands. On this occasion it was different, but he wouldn’t have known that. Yes OP’s daughter called in a panic but seeing as she couldn’t handle the stress, I suspect that panicking is not unusual for her and so the emergency of the situation may not have been obvious to the husband.

What’s done is done but he is being judged on his actions with all the facts now known, which weren’t known at the time. That isn’t fair and all that’s going to do is drive a wedge in their relationship, especially with threads like this encouraging OP that she clearly must not matter to him.

But nobody could take her away from you, that’s the difference.

I did. But there wasn't any explanation as to why the contact was first ordered supervised and then family supervised? Surely that's a major red flag if a court doesn't think it's safe to award contact to a parent without supervision?

This thread is really heartbreaking. OP Im so sorry you have cancer and needing constant medical attention with crisis thrown in the middle. Im so sorry your husband wasn't there. It is such a complex thing. Where I understand why he didn't come but also understand why you wanted him there. Im praying for healing.

I think it is both strange that a 15 year old would want to play water fight with her dad at her aunt's house and that a man would not go to assist his wife if she out of it and waiting for ambulance.
He needs to align things better bringing his daughter and family life together.
If the aunt has her mother and husband living in house sure she could do without two extra visitors every weekend. Also it time the girl should be mixing with friends, involved in sport or studying. Can't imagine my 15 yo hanging out with a parent 4 hours every Saturday and Sunday.

yanbu, it hurts because you have just learnt that if your dh can only carry one person out of a burning building it won’t be you. You didn’t. Sign up for that, neither of you knew about the dd.

But, the building is not on fire, he can safely carry you instead, he chose not to.

That is bloody painful, and cruel of him.
I also would not dismiss thoughts of his admiration for the aunt, she really is the hero here isn’t she and that can be very attractive. Keep your mind open to what is pulling him to her house, keeping a 15 year old under such close family supervision as you describe is unusual given her age and the time your dh has already proven himself to be reliable.

Rretired social worker speaking, a 15 year old has sway in what happens at contact too. She is not 5 and completely helpless. Look this up, do your own homework as if you are the aunt and cannot carry on this arrangement. The law understands much more now about parental alienation

https://www.cafcass.gov.uk/parent-carer-or-family-member/applications-child-arrangements-order/how-your-family-court-adviser-makes-their-assessment-your-childs-welfare-and-best-interests/alienating-behaviours

q If your dh does not want to tell you something because you might take it the wrong way or think the wrong things, it usually is bad and wrong. I hope I’m wrong, so sorry you are unwell and Godspeed you make a full recovery.

What a response! I sincerely hope no-one in your family has cancer!!! Imagine how draining it is for the poor DH to have to deal with someone who is desperately ill - just another day for her to slowly suffer from cancer - poor DH why not stay and play waterfights whilst your wife possibly dies in hospital - after all just another day! You should be ashamed of this post!

I have advanced metastatic cancer. I often end up in hospital. Never once has Dh come with me. Not because he’s a jerk - he’s wonderful actually. His and my priority are the children. He needs to be with them. That’s his job when I am ill. Okay, yes, sometimes I’ve had planned surgery and he has come to visit during school hours to bring me things. But for emergency visits. No, I take myself and he focuses on parenting. If, god forbid, I were to die, unless Dh was bringing the children to see me, I would want him home with them, not with me. They are the most important thing.

I get this isn’t your dd together, so maybe she’s not such a priority to you, though she obviously is to him. But yes, in a situation where one parent is in hospital and there are children involved, I’d always expect the children to come first.

I'm absolutely flabbergasted that so many people think you're being unreasonable OP.

1. If people have read your reponses they would know that whole you have had ongoing health issues, and ambulance being called and you being taken to the hospital by the paramedics is not the norm.

1. He didn't just not leave when there was an emergency, he actually delayed leaving in favour of having a water fight.

1. If as you say the aunt is very much on the dad's side re. contact, and the daughter is 15 and old enough to understand that there's medical emergency, then why would the mother even need to know he had left the contact early? Surely they could have just not told her so she couldn't use it against the father in court, if that was his main concern.

It seems obvious to me that he didn't leave because he didn't want to. And as much I as I applaud the fact that he wants to spend as much time as possible with his daughter, to not realise he must nonetheless leave when his wife had been taken unconscious and alone by ambulance to the hospital is unforgivable.

And the fact he is not speaking to you over this when you've just received a cancer diagnosis, even more so. Even if he can't accept that he was wrong, he should be putting your feelings first now and doing everything in his power to make amends and support you, as you have supported him in his fight to see his daughter over the years.

You need him now, and he isn't stepping up. Unforgivable.

I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through OP. I agree with everyone saying of course your DH should have left to be by your side, you were on your own in hospital after being driven in an ambulance - you needed to be the priority in that moment and I’m sorry your DH is being blind to that 🩷

Also are you sure that he was with his daughter? I dont want to stress you out but it doesn't make sense that at 15yr old would be having a water fight with her dad really

But this is different because his daughter is not looked after by him whereas yours are looked after by you and your husband - she is safe at her Aunts house not being left on her own - essentially he is not parenting her but visiting to have time with her. She is also 15 so in an emergency which this was could actually look after herself!

I understand that but it’s a massive thing to never have a weekend you can make plans with your wife. I think he hasn’t done enough to get proper visitation eg weekends / overnights / holidays.

If he were to cut a visit short with his daughter could that have repurcutions for his legal contact with her in the future?

How clear was the message that an ambulance had been called and that you were much worse than you had been?

I don't understand why he wouldn't have cut the visit a bit short or at the very least, left at the agreed time though.

I've seen your reply about your 20 year old daughter being autistic, which wasn't clear from your initial post, and is relevant as it meant she wasn't able to go with you in the ambulance or be physically present with you. I don't know if your husband would have known that about her.

This is a very thoughtful and balanced post.

I really feel for both of you in what is an absolutely difficult set of circumstances.

All the best with your treatment.

Quite possibly he is. Which is why they need to talk about things.

The mother does facilitate contact, by either taking her daughter to her sisters or making her daughter available to go to her sisters. she could just say no. and given how averse she is to the situation then she could easily do just that

Again, for the cheap seats at the back.

He DID NOT KNOW she had cancer. Because she DID NOT KNOW she had cancer at that point.

OP found this out later and has introduced it to try to make her case against her DH parenting his child more solid.

The husband has genuine reasons for concern that he will LOSE ACCESS to the child he fought so hard to see, and despite OP deciding his genuine concerns don't matter, they are still his genuine concerns.

DH has been running around after OP, taking her to hospital visits, and far as he knew this was just another medical incident in a long line which he has already been dealing with.

The only difference between this and all the other many hospital visits was that her daughter called an ambulance. Going to the hospital because she is sick is not an abnormal or unusual event.

Her DH WENT TO THE HOSPITAL, he just didn't drop something important and go immediately, he went a few hours later.

For the love of God, stop inventing stories. These are the facts to reply to, not the ones invented in your head.

Sorry for the capitals but many of you appear unable to summarise or understand important and relevant facts.