AIBU to expect DH to leave contact when I was hospitalised?

[Amioverreactinghmm]

I have been extremely unwell for the past 4 months and have been admitted to hospital for numerous blood transfusions. Im dizzy, sick and faint on a near daily basis, however I received my diagnosis yesterday and a plan is in place for my treatment going forward.

Quick backstory, my dh has a DD aged 15. He only found out about her at 6 yo and since then has fought tooth and nail to be in her life. The courts awarded him 4 hours contact (10-2) on a Saturday and Sunday every week at her aunt's house (mum's sister) as the mum refuses point blank to have any contact with my DH. She didn't want contact, it had to be forced and even then she was held in contempt for refusing a court order.

Anyway on Friday night I was really ill, sickness, temp etc. My DH left on the Saturday morning for his visit and I just got worst throughout the day. At 11.30ish I lost consciousness and my DD (20) panicked and called an ambulance and my DH.

My DH didn't leave, he stayed til his contract time was over and later as well as the sister allowed extra time as his DD was having a water fight with him in the garden so he didn't leave til 4 and didn't get to me in the hospital til the back of 5. I had to have another transfusion.

I feel he should of left when he got the call. He feels he barely gets time with his DD so will soak up every minute he gets. AIBU?

She should have done in this instance though rather than leaving her unconscious mother alone

Have you read all the OP posts? She has just been given a diagnosis of Stage 4, yes 4!, cancer. She is very seriously ill. She doesn't know if she is going to live for much longer.She was also having an acute medical emergency. Not just a bit dizzy. Her DH is still not speaking to her because she has challenged his lack of care/concern in this situation. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

As next of kin he doesn’t have authority to consent or sign anything. Only a lasting power of attorney or a court appointment welfare deputy have that authority. In OP’s case, the medical team would make decision if she is incapacitated.

It’s still a shitty position to be in though.

I’m sorry for your diagnosis OP. I hope your future treatment is successful.

I suspect your husband has shown his true colours. He has made the decision that his daughter comes before you.

On one occasion my body went into shock and it was touch and go for awhile.

Were you in ICU, tubed etc?

In what respect was it touch and go?

Hopefully, the next time (IF) the H will be there for the OP, now it’s known how serious her condition is.

But his daughter wasn't having a meltdown. They were playing together and he stayed longer than planned.

I'd be very hurt and I'd reconsider my relationship in your shoes.

Icu have the most open visiting of all hospital wards as we know that final moments count (ex icu dr)

If you were in and out of consciousness you would be in ICU with your airway protected.

OP Your husband can't do right for wrong at the moment, you're angry and bitter and your emotions are all over the place.

I’m sorry you’re so unwell, it sounds miserable and scary. I hope things improve for you soon and the treatment isn’t too bad. But I really don’t think prioritising partners over children is the norm. I would absolutely prioritise my children over my husband and I would expect him to do the same. In your DH case when he has had to fight for contact I can completely understand the choice he made.

I agree with others that you know where you are in his priorities, second to his daughter. But isn’t that where you want to be? I don’t think I could ever be with a man who didn’t put his children as his first priority. I imagine you would put your daughter ahead of him if it came to it, and that is the way it should be.

I would have been very hurt in your position. I understand the situation with his DD and his desire to carve out a relationship with her but surly your partner being hospitalised is an emergency situation? It’s not like being admitted is a regular occurrence or that he knew at the time how serious it was. If it was me I would feel very upset by this.

I've read all your posts, you are not being at all unreasonable. I can see his side, but an emergency is just that - an emergency. He should have dropped everything and I'm certain at 15
DSD would understand too.

Good luck OP 💐

If I was the daughter, and ever found out that my dad had done this to his wife for my sake, I would be horrified. There seems to be an inherent assumption in the posts supporting the husband that the daughter would want to be "put first" in this situation (including the extra 2 hours) but that's not necessarily true.

He spends time with her for 8 hours per week? That’s probably more than most parents of teenagers manage! Doesn’t she have friends or activities to attend at the weekend? I don’t really see how this is a workable arrangement for anyone. Also very unusual for contact to need to be supervised for a 15 year old. It just seems like a very bizarre arrangement all around.

And yes, he should have left. It was an emergency.

I've not read all of the replies but I'm sure you've had plenty saying "but he was with his daughterrrrrr".

Personally I think continuing a water fight with a 15yo child who's old enough to understand the situation and why he has to leave is deplorable. His wife, who's been diagnosed with cancer no less, lost consciousness and had to be rushed to hospital via an ambulance and he what? Shrugs his shoulders and carries on his water fight, even staying later than normal.

I have step children of a similar age myself and have been married to DH since they were around 5 years old. I understand in most circumstances they come first but this is absolutely not one of them. I'd never have forgiven my husband and my lovely step children would have also questioned what on earth he was still doing with them when he'd just received a call saying I was being rushed to hospital!

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. My DH has been in hospital for two weeks seriously ill resulting in huge life changes for us both.

My children have been passed from pillar to post whilst I am at my husband’s bedside every second I can be, both in the acute phase and now.

Providing my children are safe and well looked after I will continue to show up every day for him because I love him deeply and I said in sickness and in health.

His daughter was safe. He should of left.

Absolutely agree

WTAF he's just been informed his dw has cancer and he's sulking? I'm so sorry op, I wish you nothing but the best 💐

So sorry to hear about your cancer diagnosis.
Cancer treatment is ( of course) a marathon, not a sprint. I hope you have other people in your life who can also be your support network, practically and emotionally.
Life goes on during times like this, it has to. There will be a lot of appointments/ treatments. Potential emergencies can crop up. It can be difficult practically for one person to manage it all. I don't know if it is the case for you, but often spouses are trying to navigate work, children, other commitments and possibly their own health issues, around their loved one who is sick. Everything else doesn't stop, although as someone who had a close family member with cancer, I wish it did.
We rallied round and shared some of the 'load', as it were. Now is the time to build your 'village' as the saying goes.
I hope your treatment goes well.

I'm guessing there's something seriously wrong with you....

Yes. When I was married, I had emergency hospital treatment without him there. It never occurred to me to ask him to be there because I was used to being independent because of my upbringing. It never occurred to him to be with me just to keep me company in hospital. I'm not saying this to argue that YABU, but to show that it is not an automatic thing, or that "everybody" feels the same way, or that your husband is necessarily uncaring.

When I posted, that update had not been given. I know personally how cancer affects people, so please take your judgement elsewhere. Threads move quickly on Mumsnet and I was replying to the information I had at the time.

You are absolutely 100% right, he should have been by your side as soon as humanly possible. His daughter is not young and was already in the care of a responsible adult. I know my husband would drop everything to be with me in this situation and indeed has done so a few years ago.
I wish you all the luck in the world going forward with your treatment. You deserve health, peace and compassion 🙏

Hi OP, I'm so sorry about your cancer diagnosis . Your husband's behaviour sounds callous and uncaring.

Why on earth is he only allowed supervised contact with his child? Courts don't order this for no reason...

I feel quite irrationally angry at your DH. I think he is way out of line for not dropping everything to be with you.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

DH sounds a lot like my husband. I'm sure he had his own reasons and perhaps they are bit more complex than you imagine. Ie not to do with his DD, but coming to terms with your diagnosis. His life will have also changed with your illness and he may be feeling a sense of loss. Perhaps the time with his DD represents the old world - pre diagnosis. An escape from reality.

What could he do to help you in hospital? Did the medics think you were dying?
Honestly, it's hard rrible being ill, I empathise, but your DH sees so little of his DD you should be a little more understanding.

If you were so serious that it was life or death, then fine.

Tbh you do sound poorly perhaps without diagnosis, so focus on that.

I would also talk to your DH and let him know you were scared etc and you needed him. He will know for next time what to do, but honestly he could not help you in hospital other than a hand hold and your DD was with you.

Get well soon.