Am I being horrible or do I need to say no?

[onemoredress]

DS is 26 and autistic/adhd and lives a few streets away in a shared house, he lived with us until 2 years ago but we asked him to move out as he was straining our marriage, constant mess in the kitchen was causing arguments and he was with us 24/7 as he never went out other than to work, no gf and very few friends.

Since moving out he would turn up most nights unexpectedly and let himself in and sit with us until bedtime, this caused more arguments between me and his dad as he felt uncomfortable he would walk in any time he wanted so I kindly explained that it would be nice if he could let us know when he was coming so we were expecting him.

Now he calls on his way home from work and says would you like me to come and see you?
Of course I say yes, every time even if I would rather spend a quiet night with Dh but I don’t like to say no.

I admit I do feel it’s a bit of an intrusion to have him around so many nights a week but I don’t like to say no, Dh says I need to say no, he’s happy to say no, but if we have ever said no I feel really guilty and ds gets quite huffy so I like to keep the peace and don’t want him not to feel welcome.
We both agree it would be lovely to see him a couple of times a week for a couple of hours instead of him coming in most nights and then not leaving until we go to bed, he doesn’t understand social hints and has rejection sensitivity so if we tell him directly he gets offended.

I feel like whatever I do I will upset someone. It’s not that his dad doesn’t want to see him, he just doesn’t want him here all the time and when he comes home some nights and it’s still sunny outside so he buys some drinks for the garden and expects to chill out with just me and then ds calls and says he is on his way and he feels his evening plans go out the window because ds doesn’t drink and I don’t like to drink with him there so leave it for another time.

Is Dh right and I should say no so we can have some evenings just ourselves or is that cruel and unreasonable and he should be able to come over when ever he wants?

Do you ever go out? Could you start with going out sometimes to break the habit? Then it might be easier to say no even if you are home

Yes, why just sit in your house waiting to be interrupted? Go out for dinner/ to a pub?

Though I'm not sure I understand either why you can't drink with your adult son present.?

Suggest a couple of nights in the week for him to visit you.

Why do you not like drinking in front of him? I don't think there is any harm in saying sorry ds we have other plans for tonight sometimes.

It's difficult because the more time your son spends with you both the less time he has to spend with the people he lives with, so he's less likely to make friends. Could you agree he comes over either from work until 7 pm, or from 7 - 9, or something like that?

I think you need to find a middle ground. Presumably your DH likes seeing him but can also see that it could be like this forever. I think you and your DH need to be out occasionally - do the big shop of an evening? Go to the pub? Go to the cinema? Got for a walk? See friends?
And you need to start behaving how you would if DS wasn’t there. Have a drink, put on your TV show, do jobs round the house.
it sounds at the moment like DS comes round and also then dictates how the evening goes.
I think you can also see to DS that some evenings he can stay all evening and some he can’t. He holds down a house and a job, he can leave to do other things too.

Can you set up a weekly routine, ie on these 3 weekdays we’d love to have you over but on Mondays and Thursdays we’re busy / doing housework / the food shop / seeing friends etc. Can you work with him to see if there any social groups or activities he could join on the nights he doesn’t see you? Could you go along with him the first time if he’s a bit unsure? It’s lovely he enjoys your company but a balance between family and peers may be just what is needed (for all of you).

Maybe plan particular days as a family eg mon, thurs, fri and other days are parent date nights

Just pass the parcel and let them have it out.

Make yourself busy in the evening and say "I'm out, give your dad a ring."

We don’t go out in the evenings much, we are always exhausted from work and just like to unwind.
We do have busy days at weekends and see friends then but usually during the day.

Do you ever go round to his house in the evening?

Its a temporary solution to set a new habit. Just be out, until his habits adjust.

How well does he get on with his housemates? Is he avoiding them?

"I'm a bit tired tonight love, why don't you come for tea on Wednesday instead?"

He may get huffy, but you'll have to find a way to say no until it becomes familiar to him that his main base isn't your house.

Could you give him a list of days it's OK to visit and a list of not OK days?

Say you are busy, out, got a new hobby, whatever but reclaim most of the week for yourselves and then you can enjoy when he's there. And I'd put a time limit on the visits too "You can come for 2 hours on Tues evening - 7 till 9pm, shall I put that in our diary?"

You can't give up your own needs entirely just to meet his.

I think you need to pre warn him and set up a pattern. Have certain nights with him and certain night without him and pre-plan a schedule
e.g. Monday - each do their own thing
Tuesday - son comes for tea and a chat
Wednesday - each do their own thing
Thursday - son for tea but goes home after
Friday - son come for tea and board games into the evening

Or whatever. I appreciate this might not be what you want long-term, but maybe once he has a routine of sometimes going to his own house, he'll find it easier to be flexible.

He sounds lonely. He might find his old home a safe place for him to be rather than possible stress of a shared house.

Sure, you can throw him out (again), but it's not something I would do (and yes, I have a similar adult child)

Why not tell him he doesn't need to come round so often as you're sure he would prefer to spend evenings with his friends. Make a bit of a joke about it - tell him it's very nice to see him but you're sure he'd prefer to spend time with people more fun than his tired parents!

Why don't you have one or two days a week set in stone that he comes in after work, say Tuesdays and Thursdays... if he calls just say "looking forward to seeing you on Tuesday, we're going to go out tonight just us two" or "we're just watching a film together tonight but can't wait to see you tomorrow" something like that to break the habit but at least he knows he will still be seeing you at some point..

I think you just need to be honest. "Ah son, you was round yesterday how about you pop over Thursday after work instead me and your dad have plans tonight." I would strongly suggest he finds a hobby too Wether that's gaming, gym, board game club etc just something for him to do and find friends.

If you can't find a way to say no, not tonight to your DS then there wasn't much point in making him move out Op. He says shall I come and see you, that sounds like he's doing you a favour then you say yes and re enforce that idea. Maybe as your DH is less keen than you I'd tell him to phone his Dad instead.

Is your DH his dad?

I cannot imagine my autistic DS ever not being welcome in my house.

You need to limit his days. Start with one day a week and let him know that Wednesdays are not good for visiting. Once he adjusts to that you can add in another day. He'll get used to it.

You need to start saying no - for your son's good.

To be blunt, you and your husband will not be around forever. How will your son manage when, in his 50s and still coming round every night, you and your husband die? What will he do then? He'll have spent the last 30 years avoiding having a life on his own, and it will be all the harder on him.

You need to encourage him to start building a life independent of you. You need to wean him! Maybe as suggested, set up regular nights when you expect him, and nights that he knows not to come round.

Every evening he spends with you is an evening he doesn't spend with friends, making friends at an activity, doing a hobby. It's in his best interests to not be round every night.

But you aren’t unwinding. Being busier is definitely the easiest way of managing it. At the moment you are always available and it’s also demonstrating to your son that it’s normal to do things in the evenings. At the moment you are in a Denise Royale situation. He’s just living the same life as you are but he needs to broaden his horizons.