Husbands behaviour on holiday WWYD - sick of it

[encour]

5th day of our holiday today. DH insisted we book onto an activity starting at 730am. We both got about 2 hours sleep last night (combination of heat, jet lag and adjusting to time zone).

Dragged myself out of bed this morning, got ready and got to activity. Did it willingly even though it’s not my thing at all. DH was being short with me, which I kind of understand as he’s tired, but he said I was in the way of someone else waiting to do the activity, when I was actually doing the activity - he said ‘your in the way” and it was my turn!!!!). I backed off, and walked away and he said to me oh here we go this again, let’s not do this. Thought I’d just shut up and get on with it because we’re on holiday.

Tried just chatting on the way back from the activity but got one word, blunt answers so gave up.

Then he wanted food, but said the heat had made the lunch I prepared and packed for him “go bad” (we’d been out 1.5 hours and it was in a cool box) so he wanted to go out. I asked where he wanted to go. He was looking, getting really irritated and saying he was hungry, I told him to pick anywhere and I’d go with him. He said I needed to pick - but I wasn’t hungry? I said honestly anywhere. He got offended when I just wanted a small plate and was huffing and puffing.

Then we saw a place of worship (my religion, not his) and I asked if it was ok if I went in. He came with me. I was looking at the altar and he pointed something out, but I couldn’t see it, he was getting really irritated and then physically pushed my head down to see it. I told him not to do that, and turned around and saw a group of people looking at us, could feel the tears coming but held them back.

Then he was complaining about everything and I said I’m happy to do what you want to do, which attracted eye rolls.

Because of the heat he’s asked to come back to the villa. Now he’s being really nice asking for a cuddle whilst he naps?

WWYD? I’ve got another 3 weeks of this. Had doubts before the holiday about the relationship (too long to go into), but the head pushing feels very nasty. He’s got form for this on holiday, telling me I was wearing local dress wrong and pulled an item off me in front of onlookers.

I also find it chilling. OP your post literally made me shiver. His physical punishments towards you are likely to escalate. Please get yourself home and out of this relationship safely. Mind yourself OP 💐

@encour please call the airline, tell them you’ve been assaulted by your H and you need to go home, and can they change your flight so you can get back early?

Hi OP,

I think I remember the thread about your last holiday: was it not local custom for women to cover their hair and he puled off your headscarf in public?

This man is a bully, he clearly enjoys humiliating you and belittling your efforts: There is no word in which anything you do will be "right" or "enough" for this man, and he gets off in rubbing your face in it.

I understand that "LTB" is not that simple, but I really do think you need to speak to Womens' Aid and start putting plan in place to leave.

Personally I would not have been able to get pas the headscarf incident. In fact, my partner undid the back of my bikini last week (without exposing anything) for "easier access to put suncream on" and I said "do not undo my bikini in public, it makes me feel hugely uncomfortable and I don't like it". This week? He made an affectionate and comedic theatre about carefully lifting and shifting my bikini around to ensure "optimal suncream application" without once undoing the back.

You deserve respect, OP. You deserve care. You deserve a partner who makes an effort even when they're a bit tired or hot, your role should NOT be to bear the brunt of every inconvenience or bad mood. And frankly, between the headscarf and now the head-shoving (and I'd bet money that he's not been an absolute delight between holidays) he sounds like a nasty, spiteful man who you need to get away from.

I was expecting to just read a thread about two tired people bickering and say sleep on it.
The head pushing turned it into a ltb.

Hes a c*. No doubt about it.

Personally, I'd hate to be alone in a foreign country with him without support.

The best thing to do is to go home.

@encour hope you are ok. You need to take all the advice about leaving him. Do you have access to your passport and money? If not, that is also controlling behaviour. If you can't leave now then contact women's aid once you are home. Don't let him know you are leaving him as that is the most dangerous time. When they see their control is going.
Take care.

Abusive, passive aggressive, domineering. No way.

Don't make any more excuses for him. Start divorce proceedings when you get home.

He sounds terrible. A narcissist..can you book.yourself a room? When you get home see a solicitor. You deserve better.

I don’t know if I’m just picking up on things with aren’t bad and making them bad after what he did in the church?

Yesterday we were walking around the local area and I went to walk past a group taking photos of each other. The road was packed so I just was going to walk through. He grabbed my arm and told me to wait. I told him that it hurt and he said sorry.

i asked him before we left today if he wanted me to make him breakfast and he said no. I asked if he wanted a packed lunch, he said no. We got to the beach and he was basically silent. I asked him if he was ok and he asked me what the plan was? I said well we’re just at the beach? He then sat in silence and complained about the heat, asked him if he wanted to go indoors for the aircon, he said no. I asked him if he wanted to eat he said it was too hot. About 20 minutes later he said he was starving and we needed to get food. So we went. He said “how could you not know I was hungry when I haven’t eaten at all today?”

feel like I can’t win at all with him.

doing my own thing is impossible, I told him I was heading out for a coffee and he told me to wait until he was ready. I said I wanted to go back to the beach today but it wasn’t his thing so maybe we could do our thing for a few hours? He said no

He sounds utterly tedious.

Was he like this before the holiday? And if so, why on Earth did you agree to a 3 week holiday with him????

You're going to have to be assertive here. You need to tell him that it would be nice to do your own thing on some days, as he keeps snapping at you so clearly also needs some time to himself.

Ugh, pp is right, tedious was exactly how I was going to describe him.
Can you tell him "I'm going to take my book to the beach for an hour or so, would you like to meet out for dinner after, or shall I come back to the villa?"

Everyone has already said it what needs to be said (LTB), but if you can't get home early then you need ways to get through the next three weeks and some time alone is going to be very necessary!

feel like I can’t win at all with him

You never will, you know that don't you?

Please start making plans to get away from this man. He's toxic and he's done you enough harm, don't let him do any more.

Of course you can’t win. It doesn’t matter what you say or do, you will be in the wrong.

Grow a backbone and go for coffee anyway. You’re a grown woman and don’t need his permission to do your own thing - “I’m going for coffee at 10am, you can come with me if you like”. Like clockwork, as soon as you start pushing back (and following through) he will panic that you might leave him and start being extra nice to you. When you get home you can then decide what you want for the rest of your life.

He's not nice and he knows it, the niceness after the nastiness is because he wants to keep you there, in your place, to confuse you. No-one is abusive all the time. Some of the time is more than enough to make them an abuser though.
Why are you pussyfooting round him asking does he want this, does he want that? You need to stop trying to manage his moods, you can't! Nothing you do will make him happy, or appreciative, or respectful. It's not you it's him.

i asked him before we left today if he wanted me to make him breakfast and he said no. I asked if he wanted a packed lunch, he said no.

Why are you responsible for making his food? He's a grown man.

You don't need to win with him OP. You are old enough to make your own decisions about things. It is not OK for him to belittle you or control what you do or don't do.

You do not need his permission. He is not the boss of you. Just tell him 'I'm going to the beach for a few hours, see you at 4pm and we can have a drink before dinner.'

When you do get home OP you know what you need to do. You are worth way more than being bullied and controlled by this man who can't organise his own bloody meal times.

"feel like I can’t win at all with him."
You can't and that's the point - he wants you to feel bad, to feel that what you do is never enough, or good enough until he has ground you down to nothing.
Leave as soon as you can.
Imagine the lovely holiday you might have with a partner who is fun, who looks after you, wants to bring you out to lunch. Someone who, if they don't share your religion, is respectful and interested if you go into a church. Someone who actually likes you.
You deserve that and more.
And you won't have it with this appalling loser, ever.
Please start living your best life as soon as you can get away from him.
I hope that will be very soon.

I just don’t really understand what you want from this thread? I know it’s difficult but you’ve had 10 pages of people telling you he’s abusive, doesn’t like you and is behaving appallingly. And yet you’re still pandering to his every whim?

As a number of people have said, if your boundaries were in a better place you’d be home by now.

What are you hoping will happen? He’s not going to turn round and change. Best thing you can do is to make a plan to leave and stop all of this ridiculous pandering in the meantime. If you want to go for a coffee, go for a coffee and tell him you’ll meet him in an hour. If you want to go to the beach, go to the beach, if he’s behaving like a twat tell him to go home and you’ll catch up with him for dinner.

I know there’s a lot of psychology behind this but really you just need to work out what YOU want for yourself and try to get towards that. You exist in your own right, not just whether he likes you or not.

Does he control all the money whilst you are on holiday ?
do you have any money of your own for coffee etc. ?

so he says no - why do you just accept that? just walk away and tell him he can't tell you what you can and can't do?

why are you letting him dicatate your day

do you have access to money op??

I asked him if he wanted to eat he said it was too hot. About 20 minutes later he said he was starving and we needed to get food. So we went. He said “how could you not know I was hungry when I haven’t eaten at all today?”

very clear example of gaslighting here.
he’s abusive and he’ll keep on getting worse. you know that now though, so you’ve just taken the first bit of your self esteem back from him. I’d suggest not letting him know that you’re onto him though. Just play out the holiday, and calmly notice how he behaves. Take note. Then when you’re home safe, then start looking at the future

About 20 minutes later he said he was starving and we needed to get food. So we went. He said “how could you not know I was hungry when I haven’t eaten at all today?”

If you give me your address on holiday @encour I'll send you a crystal ball because without this you are NEVER EVER going to succeed with this man. He is just keeping you on your toes all the time. He purposedly did this, he's vile and you deserve better

Me on holiday and being woken up and out the door and doing some stupid activity at 7.30am, id see red and say a few rude things.

I thought holidays are about chilling lay-ins doing things on a whim relaxing, (unless you have kids).

I think this is the 3rd time ive said this on mumsnet op you need to leave this man, and live life your way,

i asked him before we left today if he wanted me to make him breakfast and he said no. I asked if he wanted a packed lunch, he said no. We got to the beach and he was basically silent. I asked him if he was ok and he asked me what the plan was? I said well we’re just at the beach? He then sat in silence and complained about the heat, asked him if he wanted to go indoors for the aircon, he said no. I asked him if he wanted to eat he said it was too hot. About 20 minutes later he said he was starving and we needed to get food. So we went. He said “how could you not know I was hungry when I haven’t eaten at all today?”

So you've asked 6 times in a row if he wants this or that?

Does he ever ask you if you want or need something?

Why is it your job to know if he is hungry or not?

Have my first ever LTB, and I really mean it.

I think this is the 3rd time ive said this on mumsnet op you need to leave this man, and live life your way,

@Snuggleup if that's the case, I guess it's a waste of time trying to make her see sense. So sad