Husbands behaviour on holiday WWYD - sick of it

[encour]

5th day of our holiday today. DH insisted we book onto an activity starting at 730am. We both got about 2 hours sleep last night (combination of heat, jet lag and adjusting to time zone).

Dragged myself out of bed this morning, got ready and got to activity. Did it willingly even though it’s not my thing at all. DH was being short with me, which I kind of understand as he’s tired, but he said I was in the way of someone else waiting to do the activity, when I was actually doing the activity - he said ‘your in the way” and it was my turn!!!!). I backed off, and walked away and he said to me oh here we go this again, let’s not do this. Thought I’d just shut up and get on with it because we’re on holiday.

Tried just chatting on the way back from the activity but got one word, blunt answers so gave up.

Then he wanted food, but said the heat had made the lunch I prepared and packed for him “go bad” (we’d been out 1.5 hours and it was in a cool box) so he wanted to go out. I asked where he wanted to go. He was looking, getting really irritated and saying he was hungry, I told him to pick anywhere and I’d go with him. He said I needed to pick - but I wasn’t hungry? I said honestly anywhere. He got offended when I just wanted a small plate and was huffing and puffing.

Then we saw a place of worship (my religion, not his) and I asked if it was ok if I went in. He came with me. I was looking at the altar and he pointed something out, but I couldn’t see it, he was getting really irritated and then physically pushed my head down to see it. I told him not to do that, and turned around and saw a group of people looking at us, could feel the tears coming but held them back.

Then he was complaining about everything and I said I’m happy to do what you want to do, which attracted eye rolls.

Because of the heat he’s asked to come back to the villa. Now he’s being really nice asking for a cuddle whilst he naps?

WWYD? I’ve got another 3 weeks of this. Had doubts before the holiday about the relationship (too long to go into), but the head pushing feels very nasty. He’s got form for this on holiday, telling me I was wearing local dress wrong and pulled an item off me in front of onlookers.

There is so much to unpack here, but the only being nice when he wants sex is just gross, so typical of a manchild.

Run for your life, OP.

He doesn’t like you so stop wasting your time.

He's abusive, I'm so sorry you deserve better. None of those behaviours are ok whether he was tired or not. What a loser- please leave him, you'll be so much happier well rid. Very similar to my ex- I haven't looked back since I left him. You will be ok 💐

What would I do?

Short term: spend as much of the holiday by myself as possible, doing things I wanted to do. EDIT: if it is possible to fly home early, I would do that.

Long term: leave him. I'd start making plans (as soon as I got home) to do so.

I haven't read the full thread but can see the op hasn't yet responded. So just to say when you do return op, look to your boundaries. You do not have to Pabst to our tolerate another adults moods, you do not need to stay silent. That you feel you have to to keep the peace is telling. Do you find you walk on eggshells a bit because of his moods?
Just stop. Tell him you expect him to regulate his moodiness so that you can both have a good time, and that the relationship will suffer if he's not willing to put in effort. If he wants something, like food, you'll happily keep him company but he needs to decide what he wants and where to go, it's not your job to look after him. If he's not going to behave in a mature and intelligent fashion then you need to consider it you stay in the relationship long term. Massive red flags here.
Staying silent is not the best route, stop giving away your agency and start looking after your own interests a bit more.

OP - please, please, PLEASE listen to all the advice given.

Don’t want to say too much but this will only escalate and if you have the chance to get out, safely and without any children, please do. I will keep you in my prayers.

I don’t have the money to fly back, it’s thousands of pounds for a flight.

when I say he pushed my head, it wasn’t a violent shove, it was a jolt forward as I was looking down.

I know he doesn’t like me, my self esteem is on the floor

Could you phone the airline and ask to be put back on an earlier flight for free/ just an admin charge?

when I say he pushed my head, it wasn’t a violent shove, it was a jolt forward as I was looking down.

I think you’re minimising this- there was no need for him to push you at all. Or pull the clothes off you. This time he just about managed to restrain himself from slamming your head into a wall but I’d be willing to bet quite a lot of money that this is what he actually wanted to do and was going through his head. And make no mistake he will do this unless you get yourself out.

Gas lighting comes to mind…,

Gently OP, why did you agree to go away with him for 3 weeks after what he did to you before? I would borrow the money from a friend/ family member and fly home. You will be trapped with him for the duration of the holiday otherwise. And learn the lesson this time - stop willingly putting yourself in situations where you are trapped with this abusive man. I hope that at least he paid for the whole holiday. Thousands seems like a lot of money, but if it gets you away from abuse, it is worth it.

It breaks my heart reading this. Please, please dump him @encour

He sounds like an abusive cunt and if he is prepared to get physical with you in front of other strangers, then that tells you his behaviour is escalating towards a very dangerous place very rapidly. He's saying 'look what I can get away with'. How much worse will it be when he knows no one is watching?

If I were you, I'd hang the expense and get the first flight home. Hopefully he will stay on and finish the holiday which will give you a couple of weeks to get yourself sorted and away from him safely.

It will be a small price to pay for your peace in the long run. Honestly. Think of it as buying your freedom.

His behaviour is not remotely acceptable. Don’t waste your time any more. If you have to teach someone how to behave like a decent human being, it does not bode well. You deserve kindness and respect as a minimum and this is someone who is supposed to love you. I don’t know the detail of your circumstances but you need people in real life to rally round and support you. You need to work out the finances/other practical stuff so you can manage without him.

@encour did you post about him pulling the dress down in front if other people before? This rings bells.

He is abusive.
Nothing you’ll do will ever be ok. He wants to eat. You tell him to chose and go where ever he wants - nope not good enpugh. Then if you chose, it’s not the right place, you dint eat enough etc etc…

What can you do?
Best would be to go back to the U.K. and divorce.
If the flights are really too expensive (but have you really looked or are you assuming? Last minute flights can be quite cheap), then grey rock all the way.
But please seriously consider leaving him

You’re minimising already 😢😢

If you can't afford a ticket and (I assume) can't get a separate room on your own, is there someone you know (friend, relative) that will lend you the money?

Lovely, at this point you know that your marriage is abusive and needs to end, so you don't need to keep anything 'secret'. And there is no shame in asking for help!! All you have to say is "Things aren't good, I need to leave, can you help me?" and hopefully they'll come to your rescue.

And remember we're here if you need to vent or for suggestions on how to avoid him as much as possible for the time being.

I know you probably aren't going to say where you are, but if you can, look up local organizations that may be able to help you.

Hey OP, you don't need him to like you, but you do need to start liking yourself.
Time to tell yourself you are good enough and take control of your own happiness and destiny.
I think it's maybe time to start looking forward to your near future without this husband who has zero respect or care for you.

I don't know how long you have been together but, as someone who spent 13 years with a physical, emotional and financial abuser, anybody happy to physically be rough with you out of mild annoyance in public will not hesitate to hurt you in private. This man has been abusive to you the entire day and, even if this is completely out of character and you need to look at why together, you need to consider your safety with this man.

You've been offered really good advice here, I'm not sure if you'll even read my post. You're at the point, the crossroads of your relationship, while it may not feel it right now you have the choice of 2 roads to take, one to stay with him and continue with the abusive behaviour from him or the 2nd road to a much, much happier life, the decision is in your hands right now.

I wish I had somewhere like here in the beginning where people came together and offered advice and support. Pointing out things that are obvious to us but not to you right now, it really would have made a difference to my life x

Just fly home. Make an excuse, ask one of your close frienda/relatives to provide the reason you need to be at home and stick with it.

Sort out finances, pack his things leave them somewhere he can collect them from and change the locks. Tell him where to pick up his stuff. Speak to a solicitor get rid of this AH. He treats you like shit then is nice when he wants something. F him.

i would go home.
Couldn’t stand this.

Are you sure you would need to pay for a new flight? Often you can pay a small fee to change the return date on your existing booking. You need to get away from him. He doesn't have to be violent to be abusive.

He's really vile, I don't know how you can't see he's a really nasty person who has no respect for you, he's like this with absolutely no idea that he's a bully, a nasty disrespectfull rude obnoxious person, you said you have previous with him, and then you say he wants a cuddle after being so disrespectful to you all day, if I was you I'd leave him, I'd pack while he was out on an errand, then I'd go, saying have a nice time, and go, having some self respect might show him you not in his league, your way above it. All the best, treat yourself with respect, 🙏💕💐

I would do my very best to get a flight out of there and leave the miserable bastard to enjoy time on his own.