AIBU to be upset my husband lied about his flight being overbooked?

[OrangeSlices998]

Need some perspective on this and whether my head needs a wobble.

So me and DH have been together for 10 years, we have 3 kids together. We met in London and moved to a small town for his work after our first DC was born.

Recently he went away for a planned lads holiday to Malaga with his uni mates as they’re all turning 40. I don’t know the mates well, they all bar 1 came to the wedding, one was his best man who was incredibly drunk and didn’t do the best speech due to this. I’m only mentioning this because heavy drinking is the norm when these guys get together.

They went to Spain for 4 days, due to fly back on Sunday lunchtime. Originally he had booked to come back on a flight to get him home for 7pm, I had said that was later than I thought he would be back. He then booked a different flight that would have him home for 4pm - this is important.

I didn’t hear from DH much at all, I hadn’t expected to tbh because he was with his friends although it would have been nice to have the odd text checking in as the kids were being very hard work! On Saturday he phoned from his mates phone to tell me he had been mugged the previous evening, he was very drunk and got pushed over and his phone stolen. He thankfully wasn’t hurt and nothing else was stolen. I asked him to buy a cheap phone while he was out there so he wasn’t impossible to reach, I had his mates number but that’s it. I was not having the best time with the kids, they were being very hard work and the crap weather and no car didn’t help.

Saturday lunchtime we speak and I told him what a rough time I was having, the kids were being unusually difficult and I was exhausted. He made sympathetic noises, the call ended. I survived the day (!) and Sunday came. DH hadn’t bought a phone, he called me from his mates phone at about 10ish local time and told me he was heading to the airport shortly (flight departed 12pm local time).

4pm rolled around, not home. Check arrivals, flight landed and he had only hand luggage but traffic etc. 5pm, nothing. 6pm, nothing. I start getting worried, where is he? Is he okay? Did he get on the flight? Did something happen? We live 30-40 minutes from the airport, no traffic showing. I try contacting his friend just to make sure there hadn’t been any issues in Spain, he doesn’t answer. Go out for a walk with the kids as I’m anxious and on edge. Get home at 7.30pm and he walks in about 7.45pm. Says he had to get the second flight of the 2 he booked, the first one was overbooked.

I’m confused now because why didn’t he just call/text me to tell me? I had spent half the afternoon worrying for nothing! His friend had been at the airport with him for a bit, why not just let me know? I was annoyed about this as I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t have just got in touch as he knew I was expecting him on the first flight. I’m just confused because nothing is making sense. DH keeps repeating the story, flight overbooked and I asked what he did while waiting, he said he was just sat in the airport waiting for the second flight. I asked him why he didn’t try to reach me somehow, there would have been ways.

His friend comes back to me on Monday and says DH’s flight was after his and there were no issues. Now I’m more confused because that would mean DH friends flight was before 12pm but I spoke to him at 10am local time and they weren’t at the airport. I called DH on this and said BULLSHIT I think you and your mates decided you coming home on the first flight ruined the fun so you decided to just not get on the first flight and didn’t tell me because you knew I’d be annoyed.

Eventually he admits yes. He had got to the airport for the first flight and didn’t want to leave so he decided fuck it I’ll get the later flight and knew I’d be pissed so didn’t tell me. Had a couple more beers with his mates till they all got their flights and then he got the later one and decided to tell me the first one was overbooked.

I am very hurt by this. Am I being a dick? He knew I had had a tough weekend, he knew I was exhausted, he knew I thought he would be back earlier and he knew I’d be hurt he opted not to get back sooner (I appreciate it’s only a few hours) and decided to lie to me and keep lying. As far as I know he’s never done anything like this before he’s usually a shit liar and wears his heart on his sleeve. We’ve been through a lot together and I really am hurt by it.

I’m less bothered by the fact he had had a lovely time with mates and didn’t want the holiday to end versus the lying to me and not communicating to me, knowing I hadn’t had the easiest weekend. It just feels out of character.

AIBU?

He drank a bunch of beers on Sunday then drove home? What a massive nob.

Malaga isn’t magaluf! Do you know anything about the area!

No, he shouldn't have taken the car. Especially as he seems to be travelling in and out from 2 different airports? It was unfair on you with three small children and no nearby support network (grandparents etc). You could have had a medical emergency or needed a big shop. No, he shouldn't have lied. It was irresponsible and stupid.
But, I'm afraid, there is a type of person who lies because they know telling the truth about small things will get them "in trouble". I do feel that you have been manipulative and controlling and tried to put guilty pressure on him so that he doesn't enjoy his 4 days (only 4 days!) with friends it sounds as if he hardly ever sees. If I was away with a friend and knew that her husband at home had subtly insisted on a flight change from our plans then phoned or texted her multiple times to say how difficult things were at home, I'd absolutely suggest "lost" phones and "overbooked" planes to get her a bit of peace.

The booking a second flight thing seems bonkers! Can’t get my head round that. Nor does leaving you without a car when he had to get an Uber between airports anyway.

aa for the rest of it - lack of communication is always my biggest issue - don’t mind what you do but let me know if plans change etc and don’t leave me worrying when a text could keep me updated. Don’t lie. And don’t dive home after drinking in the airport (which was probably just topping up from the last few days as well!).

also don’t think you’re being unreasonable having mentioned the kids were hard work but it probably was overkill suggesting he buy a phone.

4 days seems to be 3 days more than the op has ever had off since having babies.

It is her choice, being a mummy martyr helps no one

So telling her dh the kids are hard while he’s off drinking for days is being controlling but never getting a break herself is being a martyr? Wow. Taking herself out to the garden for a cup of tea is probably child abandonment while suggesting her dh get home from the pub by midnight to help with the dc in the morning is probably again controlling bitch territory. The double standards are staggering. How exactly is the op supposed to win here? Or just catch a break, forget winning!

Giving him the benefit of the doubt…. The absolute best case scenario is that he’s normally great but is someone who is unduly influenced by his dickhead friends and turns into a dickhead when he’s with them. If they don’t see each other much I’d probably let it go and see it as him harking back to his youth and letting his hair down.

I survived the day (!)

Dramatic much! Come on OP its a weekend with your own children - why don't you drive? Why didn't you plan it better?

Read.
Contextualise.

my dh went on a stag holiday once, all sorts of nonsense and lies. This is why he has never been on one since . He tried to go away for his brothers 40th but there were all sorts of plans I wasn’t happy about so I sat back and did nothing about the fact his passport needed renewing 😂😂😂

Yes, this. I’m surprised by the rest of the replies so far.

He shouldn’t have lied, so I’m with you on that. The rest of it does sound a bit controlling. Buying a phone for a couple of days, when you had his mate’s number in event of an emergency, that’s ridiculous.

The thing is, there’s nothing wrong with either of you having a couple of days where you can shake off daily life. To be honest, he was having a break and you did mood hoover him with your “That’s later than I thought.” and “The kids are being a nightmare.”

I think you should book a couple of days away and have a break as well.

“Insecurities” and “triggered”?? Oh, get away with you 😂 How old are you? Triggered ffs,
god that made me genuinely laugh, bless you 😆 I can’t help that you wrote a pointless and snobbish comment on here that had nothing to do with what the op posted and asked, so I’m so sorry that you don’t like my opinion of you, but it’s likely only what most of the people who know you and have to put up with your sneery comments and nature are actually thinking. Whilst you’re so far up yourself you don’t have a clue how hideously vulgar and tacky you come across.
Well done you for having a perfect husband and for being so stunningly clever to know exactly what op’s husband and whole relationship is like from just a few snippets 👏🏼👏🏼Extrapolation really isn’t your talent. But, again, could you tell me your much more worthy professions than the guy in the armed forces? Do you believe that those who have been deployed across war zones possibly, who must see and experience so, so sooo much don’t deserve to enjoy themselves ocassionally on their downtime, or do you have a list of approved weekend activities he could do instead? I’m pretty sure the guy isn’t a waste of space, unrefined “manchild”, if he’s managing to do a job such as this.

But, you carry on with your judgement of them, me, whoever. You have literally not offered the op any advice or answered her questions, you have added nothing to this thread of any substance at all. The rest of us are actually trying to answer op’s questions and offering advice or comments. I am very secure where I am in life and also what I have achieved in life and am at an age now where I really couldn’t give a flying …. Only very insecure (and/or unhappy) people feel the need to put the boot into others, just to try and convince them that your life is so much better than there’s. It’s not. Either that or you’re actually just quite an unpleasant person and enjoy it. Whatever, I’m so glad I don’t know you, or anyone like you - and I live in a very nice, very affluent, gorgeous but expensive city (one of the most expensive in the country), so I can spot one when I see one, the actual decent people conduct themselves with class and dignity and wouldn’t dream of being as tedious and classless as you have. Methinks you’re just not quite reaching the heights that you think you deserve.
But I’m sorry if my reply triggered your insecurities. Personally, I just like to call out nastiness and bullshit when I hear it 🤷🏼‍♀️

Oh, she doesn’t appear to know much about anything, tbh. She’s offered no advice or help to the op and just came on to let them know how much better they are than op and her husband. She’s just an unpleasant person, who can give out the insults and judgments but doesn’t like being picked up on them or being challenged. Calling a member of the armed services, who appears to have been deployed several times, an “unrefined, tasteless, manchild/teenager” (her husband would never conduct himself in such a tasteless and unrefined way… urgh, especially in somewhere like…gulp… Malaga, oh gosh, shock horror,!), who clearly has an alcohol problem and apparently must do these pissed up weekends all the time so therefore that’s all he is. Amazing how she can knows so much about the rest of this life beyond the one weekend discussed.

@OrangeSlices998, You know those threads where a bloke makes issues every time she goes and sees her friends or family? Until the hassle is so much for her, she just stops bothering?

“Saturday lunchtime we speak and I told him what a rough time I was having, the kids were being unusually difficult and I was exhausted. He made sympathetic noises, the call ended. I survived the day (!)”

he’s having a laugh, letting off steam and you’re Debbie Downer moaning about the kids and moaning about when he comes back etc etc. the request to buy a phone so you can keep him in touch with you is so intense somehow

they’re your kids, you can manage them, you don’t need to moan at him while he’s away, making him feel guilty for being with his mates.

no wonder he delayed coming back.

I know this is a bit harsh, I’m sorry for that, but just chill and wait until he comes back before moaning about the home drudge. What did you honestly expect him to be able to do about it?

I used to travel a bit for work and if my H was banging on about stuff at home moaning, I would ask him how can I help from Holland or Austria? Can’t he deal with it himself? Use his words? Initiative? It would piss me off, and I was working! If I was away with the girls, I’d be feeling the same as your H.

Her choice no doubt. She needs to get her own time back and enjoy life as a woman not just muuuuum

her life view is too myopic somehow

Oh the victim blaming…
Guesses based on nothing and wo knowing what the OP’s life is.

Well done. Do you feel better about yourself now?

I used to travel a bit for work and if my H was banging on about stuff at home moaning, I would ask him how can I help from Holland or Austria? Can’t he deal with it himself? Use his words? Initiative? It would piss me off, and I was working! If I was away with the girls, I’d be feeling the same as your H.

Exactly. If DH rang me to moan about how tough he was finding three days of solo parenting, I'd be tempted to tell him to get a bloody grip of himself before hanging up the phone!

It’s in her control to organise a weekend away with friends. She hasn’t for years. Even if she doesn’t realise it this will breed resentment on her side.

Men are very good at creating time for themselves. Women need to do the same. And if they don’t they only have themselves to blame.

She should have also insisted he leave her the car. I don’t even know how that could have happened. And then he’s faffing about getting trains and Ubers. The OP needs to stand up for herself- instead she sounds quite passive aggressive.

Hallelujah!

Isn’t it a puzzle that bullies can apparently never recognise bullying behaviour?

I guess they may think that bullying is actual fisticuffs, and that constant, irritating torment is just normal behaviour.

Especially when it’s online and anonymous.

Actually they have a societal structure that has conditioned them to fill their responsibilities first and conditioned men to look after themselves first and let women look after the children, and don’t dismiss that. Their youngest is one. I hope this thread has been a revelation to the op that her marriage owes her a weekend away with minimal contact, zero wife support (do not precook meals either) and a loosely defined return time which she can vary at will. She should take the car too, it’ll make a trip away easier for her and that’s what counts.

I agree it can happen on a subliminal level without one consciously realising it. And yes down to societal expectations.

I think what some people don’t realise though is that it will manifest itself as resentment and come out further down the line. It is really important that both parents get equal time off and protect that time.

Hopefully OP is booking a weekend away as we speak.

It's funny how the OP is being chastised both for making a martyr of herself and being honest about how difficult she was finding the weekend. Much better to keep it bottled up inside so as to not interfere in the least with her husband's drunk binge weekend by mentioning the three children he created with her.