AIBU to be upset my husband lied about his flight being overbooked?

[OrangeSlices998]

Need some perspective on this and whether my head needs a wobble.

So me and DH have been together for 10 years, we have 3 kids together. We met in London and moved to a small town for his work after our first DC was born.

Recently he went away for a planned lads holiday to Malaga with his uni mates as they’re all turning 40. I don’t know the mates well, they all bar 1 came to the wedding, one was his best man who was incredibly drunk and didn’t do the best speech due to this. I’m only mentioning this because heavy drinking is the norm when these guys get together.

They went to Spain for 4 days, due to fly back on Sunday lunchtime. Originally he had booked to come back on a flight to get him home for 7pm, I had said that was later than I thought he would be back. He then booked a different flight that would have him home for 4pm - this is important.

I didn’t hear from DH much at all, I hadn’t expected to tbh because he was with his friends although it would have been nice to have the odd text checking in as the kids were being very hard work! On Saturday he phoned from his mates phone to tell me he had been mugged the previous evening, he was very drunk and got pushed over and his phone stolen. He thankfully wasn’t hurt and nothing else was stolen. I asked him to buy a cheap phone while he was out there so he wasn’t impossible to reach, I had his mates number but that’s it. I was not having the best time with the kids, they were being very hard work and the crap weather and no car didn’t help.

Saturday lunchtime we speak and I told him what a rough time I was having, the kids were being unusually difficult and I was exhausted. He made sympathetic noises, the call ended. I survived the day (!) and Sunday came. DH hadn’t bought a phone, he called me from his mates phone at about 10ish local time and told me he was heading to the airport shortly (flight departed 12pm local time).

4pm rolled around, not home. Check arrivals, flight landed and he had only hand luggage but traffic etc. 5pm, nothing. 6pm, nothing. I start getting worried, where is he? Is he okay? Did he get on the flight? Did something happen? We live 30-40 minutes from the airport, no traffic showing. I try contacting his friend just to make sure there hadn’t been any issues in Spain, he doesn’t answer. Go out for a walk with the kids as I’m anxious and on edge. Get home at 7.30pm and he walks in about 7.45pm. Says he had to get the second flight of the 2 he booked, the first one was overbooked.

I’m confused now because why didn’t he just call/text me to tell me? I had spent half the afternoon worrying for nothing! His friend had been at the airport with him for a bit, why not just let me know? I was annoyed about this as I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t have just got in touch as he knew I was expecting him on the first flight. I’m just confused because nothing is making sense. DH keeps repeating the story, flight overbooked and I asked what he did while waiting, he said he was just sat in the airport waiting for the second flight. I asked him why he didn’t try to reach me somehow, there would have been ways.

His friend comes back to me on Monday and says DH’s flight was after his and there were no issues. Now I’m more confused because that would mean DH friends flight was before 12pm but I spoke to him at 10am local time and they weren’t at the airport. I called DH on this and said BULLSHIT I think you and your mates decided you coming home on the first flight ruined the fun so you decided to just not get on the first flight and didn’t tell me because you knew I’d be annoyed.

Eventually he admits yes. He had got to the airport for the first flight and didn’t want to leave so he decided fuck it I’ll get the later flight and knew I’d be pissed so didn’t tell me. Had a couple more beers with his mates till they all got their flights and then he got the later one and decided to tell me the first one was overbooked.

I am very hurt by this. Am I being a dick? He knew I had had a tough weekend, he knew I was exhausted, he knew I thought he would be back earlier and he knew I’d be hurt he opted not to get back sooner (I appreciate it’s only a few hours) and decided to lie to me and keep lying. As far as I know he’s never done anything like this before he’s usually a shit liar and wears his heart on his sleeve. We’ve been through a lot together and I really am hurt by it.

I’m less bothered by the fact he had had a lovely time with mates and didn’t want the holiday to end versus the lying to me and not communicating to me, knowing I hadn’t had the easiest weekend. It just feels out of character.

AIBU?

So he booked a weekend away from two different airports. For whatever reason he then decided to change the flight home to an earlier time.

Do you actually know he did this? I really don't believe he did. He would have to pay for an entirely new flight and lose the money for the first one.

I don't believe they all went to the airport early for his flight and then he decided to sit around until their flight left and miraculously got the later flight that he's cancelled. How would there be a seat? Are you expected to believe he then paid for the original flight a second time?

I dont believe a word. He didn't change his flight. He got the later flight which was the original plan.

I also find it hard to believe you would jointly agree for the one family car to be parked at the airport and leave you without transport. What if you needed shopping? What is there was an emergency?

As for buying a disposable phone on Saturday when he was home on Sunday, just a waste.

I think both of you have made mistakes and actually this is a good chance to have some honest conversations and improve your communication.

You should discuss and have agreed expectations about communication while on breaks etc
You sound like you want a lot more and he sounds like he needs aome
space.

i think what happened is that he would have known he was in the dog house so thought fuck it I may as well have stay there longer / I’ll get grief either way

you sound like you have had a hard weekend and would have been stressed regardless

yes it was shit him not communicating his arrival home

no it’s not the end of the world and actually it won’t be a big deal long term if you discuss it together calmly

What after drinking all afternoon? Makes even less sense.

Yeah so you wouldn’t be someone that chooses to have 3 kids like OP. Choosing to have 3 means you accept that you are going to have to parent 3 kids.

also who said my husband was on holiday for 10 days?

Blimey it was a few extra hours and he told a white lie.
Not ideal but in the whole scheme of a 10 year relationship is it really a big deal?

Let it go and make plans to go away with your friends.

X

It got to the rough time I thought he’d back and he didn’t appear… hmmm odd okay I mean it isn’t always quick getting off the plane back to the car etc. An hour later, nothing, check arrivals and it landed it on time so that’s a bit strange. Another hour, feeling a bit worried now, maybe traffic? Check that and nothing. Hopefully it’s not the worst case scenarios I’m imagining.

Happy to hear I’m dramatic but would everyone else just be very chill for hours if someone doesn’t come home when you expect?

If you live in Scotland you will know it’s zero tolerance on alcohol so he was also drunk driving. Curious too re 2 airports as there are none that close together! It must have cost a fortune in an uber.

Like, if I felt like I'd be stuck without a car, I wouldn't let him take the car and leave myself without it for example!

Exactly! Another example of OP being weirdly martyrish, why agree to this in the first place just to moan about not having a car for the duration of his trip.

They've got enough money for extra flights and spare phones so this seems like just another thing to bash him over the head with IMO.

He flew out of Prestwick and into Glasgow. I got it wrong, he drove to Glasgow airport, got an uber from the car park to Paisley train station and got a train to Prestwick.

I hope he wasn’t drunk driving 😟 he said he had a few beers before his flight and then slept 🤷‍♀️

Upset about the lying maybe, but I think you've been unfair on him the whole weekend.

You need to let your partner take the break.

My husband was away for a week over the heatwave and I tried to keep things light about how we were doing at home because he couldn't do anything and I wanted him to have fun and recharge.

Arriving at 7pm should have been fine in the first place.

I don’t think he ever booked the earlier flight. But id let it go now to be honest. Book yourself a nice weekend away - you need a break!

The flight went the credit card. I probably underestimated how cheaply and easily you could buy a phone I’ll take that.

I’m not a martyr but it’s a faff and a half getting to and from the airport where we live. It seemed easier he had the car to get back, in the context of the cost of a flight he didn’t use he could have left me the car and got a taxi. Happy to be wrong there and I should have had the car rather than just a bike they all fit in

I think if you have had posted a reverse (although I appreciate not allowed) you would have got very different responses

AIBU to lie to my wife that my flight was overbooked so I could stay drinking with my mates?

I went on a lads holiday last week, 4 nights in Malaga for a 40th. We were drinking pretty much the whole time. I’m away with work a lot too, so I don’t get many weekends like this.

My wife was at home with our three kids, all under 7 including a 1 yr old. She mentioned they were being difficult and she was having a bit of a hard time of it, but she usually manages fine when I’m away so I didn’t think it was anything major.

I’d booked a flight that got me home around 7pm but she said that was later than she had thought so I booked an earlier one as well which got me in at 4. On Sunday morning I told her I’d be on the earlier flight.

The night before, I got drunk, got mugged and lost my phone. I didn’t bother buying a cheap replacement because I didn’t need it for anything like a cab, since I’d left the family car at the airport for the weekend.

When we got to the airport on Sunday, everyone was still having beers and messing about. I didn’t feel like leaving early and being the one who went home first, so I decided to take the later flight instead. I didn’t tell my wife because I thought she’d be annoyed and I didn’t want the hassle.

She checked the arrivals and saw the earlier flight had landed hours before. She tried calling my mate but he didn’t want to drop me in it. When I got home at about 7.45, the kids were in the middle of bedtime and all got excited when I walked in, which made everything really chaotic.

She was stressed and said she’d been worried something had happened. I told her the earlier flight was overbooked. She didn’t believe me and eventually I admitted I’d stayed drinking with the lads and hadn’t bothered telling her I’d changed flights.

She says she’s hurt that I lied, left her stuck with three small kids and no way to contact me, and made her think something might have happened. I think she’s blowing it out of proportion. It was only a few hours and I was just trying to enjoy the last bit of the holiday.

AIBU?

Yet another married man with family responsibilities who wants to behave like a single man.
Goodness knows what he gets up to with his pals when on they are on their heavy drinking benders.
No wonder you are upset OP. He has shown you how little he cares about you and his DC.
The question is going forward what you are going to do about it.

Originally he had booked to come back on a flight to get him home for 7pm, I had said that was later than I thought he would be back. He then booked a different flight that would have him home for 4pm
Op voiced her displeasure at his original plan so he agreed to change it to appease her.

Saturday lunchtime we speak and I told him what a rough time I was having, the kids were being unusually difficult and I was exhausted.
Absolutely no need for this, you can tell someone the kids are being hard work without being so emotive about how rough you are finding it and how exhausted you are .. imagine a man doing this to his wife.. like plenty do.. it's not to share the truth of the situation at all, it's to make the other person feel bad for leaving them on their own. Op is now trying to backtrack but these are her own words.

He knew I had had a tough weekend, he knew I was exhausted, (because she made sure he was aware)

he knew I’d be hurt he opted not to get back sooner
Why "hurt"? What is "hurtful" about having a plan to come home at 7pm at the same time as his mates, rather than come home early and cut his trip short.. again more unnecessary emotive language design to inspire guilt.

The emotive language is enough of a clue to show controlling/coercive behavior, a man doing all the above to his wife would have had an absolute roasting on here.. why is it different now OP is a woman?

He shouldn’t have lied but you were wrong to lay on the guilt trip.

Oh for goodness sake, being married with kids isn’t a jail sentence, you’re allowed time away with your friends. He was 3 hours later than planned.

no wonder so many marriages end in divorce.

This.

You didn't have to directly ask him to book an earlier flight.

Tone, body language facial expression...

You may have not asked directly, but he could have felt compelled to anyway.

You've got to ask why he did that? Even if he didn't and just implied he did, why?

He could be a selfish arse, he could be avoiding the OP being controlling by telling her what she wants to hear.

None of it is good, but we only have one side here.

Did he not have his boarding pass on his phone?

Why lie to OP about when he was coming home if he was a responsible and caring family man? Whatever he was up to was obviously more important to him.

No he has a family and responsibilities he says he's on a flight, he's on that flight. If my DP didn't turn up on the flight he said I'd be onto hospitals and police because I know he would not do that to me- your dilemma is why does your DH think it's ok to do that to you?
He had such a great time and was so drunk he was begging to be mugged- that's more than enough of a good time for one trip.

A nightmare..!? 😂 OP did NO such thing, I’d say quite the opposite.

Gosh, people are being so harsh to you. You deserve some clear communication. As well as a thank you for doing the weekend of kids. Not sure how happy he’d be to do that… also don’t believe he was mugged. Silly men.

I'm being a little facetious, but I'm starting to see why so many people seem utterly miserable in their marriages if a mini break with friends equates to being a cheating alcoholic who doesn't care about his wife and children!

I dread to think what I am, in your opinion, since I've often gone on trips with my friends and even had drinks!

Whether you should have made an issue of the return flight time or not, I think that I couldn't be with someone who did this. The deceit, the not caring how worried you were or how tired you were - life is hard enough without having a wingman who bails and lies about it. He would have known you'd be very concerned and he didn't even come up with something to allay your fears. And then lied to your face.

Life is too short.