AIBU to be upset my husband lied about his flight being overbooked?

[OrangeSlices998]

Need some perspective on this and whether my head needs a wobble.

So me and DH have been together for 10 years, we have 3 kids together. We met in London and moved to a small town for his work after our first DC was born.

Recently he went away for a planned lads holiday to Malaga with his uni mates as they’re all turning 40. I don’t know the mates well, they all bar 1 came to the wedding, one was his best man who was incredibly drunk and didn’t do the best speech due to this. I’m only mentioning this because heavy drinking is the norm when these guys get together.

They went to Spain for 4 days, due to fly back on Sunday lunchtime. Originally he had booked to come back on a flight to get him home for 7pm, I had said that was later than I thought he would be back. He then booked a different flight that would have him home for 4pm - this is important.

I didn’t hear from DH much at all, I hadn’t expected to tbh because he was with his friends although it would have been nice to have the odd text checking in as the kids were being very hard work! On Saturday he phoned from his mates phone to tell me he had been mugged the previous evening, he was very drunk and got pushed over and his phone stolen. He thankfully wasn’t hurt and nothing else was stolen. I asked him to buy a cheap phone while he was out there so he wasn’t impossible to reach, I had his mates number but that’s it. I was not having the best time with the kids, they were being very hard work and the crap weather and no car didn’t help.

Saturday lunchtime we speak and I told him what a rough time I was having, the kids were being unusually difficult and I was exhausted. He made sympathetic noises, the call ended. I survived the day (!) and Sunday came. DH hadn’t bought a phone, he called me from his mates phone at about 10ish local time and told me he was heading to the airport shortly (flight departed 12pm local time).

4pm rolled around, not home. Check arrivals, flight landed and he had only hand luggage but traffic etc. 5pm, nothing. 6pm, nothing. I start getting worried, where is he? Is he okay? Did he get on the flight? Did something happen? We live 30-40 minutes from the airport, no traffic showing. I try contacting his friend just to make sure there hadn’t been any issues in Spain, he doesn’t answer. Go out for a walk with the kids as I’m anxious and on edge. Get home at 7.30pm and he walks in about 7.45pm. Says he had to get the second flight of the 2 he booked, the first one was overbooked.

I’m confused now because why didn’t he just call/text me to tell me? I had spent half the afternoon worrying for nothing! His friend had been at the airport with him for a bit, why not just let me know? I was annoyed about this as I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t have just got in touch as he knew I was expecting him on the first flight. I’m just confused because nothing is making sense. DH keeps repeating the story, flight overbooked and I asked what he did while waiting, he said he was just sat in the airport waiting for the second flight. I asked him why he didn’t try to reach me somehow, there would have been ways.

His friend comes back to me on Monday and says DH’s flight was after his and there were no issues. Now I’m more confused because that would mean DH friends flight was before 12pm but I spoke to him at 10am local time and they weren’t at the airport. I called DH on this and said BULLSHIT I think you and your mates decided you coming home on the first flight ruined the fun so you decided to just not get on the first flight and didn’t tell me because you knew I’d be annoyed.

Eventually he admits yes. He had got to the airport for the first flight and didn’t want to leave so he decided fuck it I’ll get the later flight and knew I’d be pissed so didn’t tell me. Had a couple more beers with his mates till they all got their flights and then he got the later one and decided to tell me the first one was overbooked.

I am very hurt by this. Am I being a dick? He knew I had had a tough weekend, he knew I was exhausted, he knew I thought he would be back earlier and he knew I’d be hurt he opted not to get back sooner (I appreciate it’s only a few hours) and decided to lie to me and keep lying. As far as I know he’s never done anything like this before he’s usually a shit liar and wears his heart on his sleeve. We’ve been through a lot together and I really am hurt by it.

I’m less bothered by the fact he had had a lovely time with mates and didn’t want the holiday to end versus the lying to me and not communicating to me, knowing I hadn’t had the easiest weekend. It just feels out of character.

AIBU?

I never said a word about this, I didn’t know he was considering not getting the earlier flight HE decided to book. I never said ‘I’ll be hurt if you don’t get it’ or anything like that. That’s what he has said as motivation for not being honest about coming back sooner.

So he prioritised sitting in the airport with his mates and drinking expensive beer over getting home to you, despite knowing you were on your knees. Lovely.

I think you need a calm, serious conversation about how, at 40 and with three children, he needs to grow up and stop thinking of himself as one of the carefree, heavy-drinking lads. I mean, what on earth is so big and clever about regularly getting so smashed you can't remember what happened and you're too helpless to stop yourself getting robbed?

Okay I’ll take that feedback, he asked and I just had a moan. I’m human, they were out of character hard work and I said as much.

I wouldn't believe he didn't always intend to do this.
You now know he's a liar.
A selfish liar.

I don't blame you for being hurt.
I would tell him I hope it was worth it, you now knowing he is a selfish liar.

Hmm - do you do most of the childcare generally? When was the last time he had to look after 3 kids by himself for a weekend?

I would be angry and upset too OP. As PP days if he lies about this what else does he lie about?

However, I think when you're giving each other childfree time youre giving each other childfree time - you make the best of it, get some playdates in, see family etc.

What's the story with the car - do you normally have one?

Surely flights aren't this flexible? I doubt he ever rebooked for the earlier one.

You agreed with him going away, you were wrong to complain about the DC when he was having a break. He was wring to lie to you about flights.

All sounds very immature, you resent him having a holiday and he feels he has to lie to you.

In future speak beforehand to decide timings , only agree to it if you truly do. Take time away yourself and don't feel guilty.

He needs to grow up. He knew it wouldn't be easy leaving you with three kids alone-it never is for anyone, so I don't blame him for not 'worrying' about them, or you in that regard.

Life must be very expensive for you guys.

Buying two flights for the same journey.
Buying a throwaway phone on holiday.

I didn't know people lived like this.

How was moaning to him on the phone going to help you manage the kids at home? It sounds like he didn't tell you about the later flight because you would moan about it.

I think it was awful him lying to you but at the same time him booking a 4pm instead of 7 seems crazy to me, it’s 3 hours of a difference! Also if I was away with friends and dh kept going on about how hard it was with the kids I’d be thinking that there isn’t much I can do here!!! (But I myself might be unrealistic here with this as dh goes away for a week/ 2 at a time and I have to juggle kids and work and twice with a broken down car so I can be an unsympathetic cow on this kind of stuff!!) Him not contacting and letting you get that worried is awful though

The flight wasn't flexible, he bought two flights.

No grandparents nearby.

I can cope, I’ve parented solo plenty! He asked how we were and I didn’t lie. If that’s my crime I admit to it and plead guilty. Normally they’re fine, they’re kids, but this weekend was out of the ordinary tricky.

I don’t begrudge him going away, he was excited and I’m glad he had fun with friends. I just don’t like being lied to.

Them being big drinkers isn’t really relevant except that it would have meant getting up and to the airport in good time for the 4pm hometime would have been hard!

you say you don’t mind him going on the trip but your actions show you resent it. Perhaps his actions reflect a fear of ‘being told off’ - is he often ‘in the wrong’? Because to me that lie is because he’s worried about your reaction when he could have just said ‘I was having a nice time with my mates and wanted to stay for the final few drinks so decided to get the later plane’

his overbooking excuse was stupid but so was booking two flights in the first place

so yabu for trying to put a dampener on his trip and hibu for not having a backbone, not telling you which plane he’d be on and coming up with a stupid lie

The pair of you need to grow up. He should never have lied but to be honest i can see why he chose to. You have the children for a couple of nights and you do nothing but whinge at him. It was nights not months. Instead of letting him enjoy his time a way you are bending his ear about the children's behaviour, what the hell did you expect him to do about them? You sound relentless.

He shouldn't have lied and agree with the others that the earlier flight was never booked, and never overbooked/missed. And when he knew he was going to be home at 7pm not 4pm he should definitely have let OP, that's common sense.

But OP is not entirely unreasonable either, expecting a holiday to be cut short to leave at lunchtime to be home at 4pm for some unknown reason, expecting constant contact, not being able to cope with her own kids, and expecting her DP to buy another phone?

I think you were putting a dampener on the whole thing from the start. Unless you are about to drip feed that he regularly disapears on jolly’s with his mates then I think getting a late afternoon flight him on a four day weekend is perfectly reasonable. Seems you wanted to make sure he knew you were hating being at home with the kids.

if there is a deeper issue at play such as not getting your own time away or him not pulling his weight then deal with that directly. Otherwise in you dh’s shoes I’d be pissed off.

Because I was tired and they were being hard work and he asked and I didn’t lie. I didn’t wail and beg him to come home, I just said it had been rough. Let’s say I lied, is that better? Does that change his lie?

We don’t have money to burn I imagine it’s gone onto the credit card. And I didn’t think he’d buy an expensive latest iPhone, but a cheap phone for calls and messages. Handy for situations like this I thought.

The lying is not great but it doesn’t exactly sound like you were waving him off with a cheery “have lots of fun”. You sound like you laid on a bit of a guilt trip. Does he do this often or resent your free time? If I was going on a weekend with my friends I wouldn’t want to leave earlier than everyone else or be guilt tripped.

I didn’t expect constant contact, it was odd to have so little even in the way of a message or whatever. Once he lost his phone I had nothing beyond when he phoned me.

I never asked him to book the earlier flight to be back in time for bedtime, he chose to. And then didn’t get on it!

He shouldn't have lied. If he wanted to get the later flight he should have been an adult and been honest about his choices.

FWIW I don't think getting back at 7pm on a Sunday is a particularly big issue.

I never asked him to book the earlier flight to be back in time for bedtime, he chose to. And then didn’t get on it!

he did not book an earlier flight.

I waved him off cheerily! Ran back in to grab a phone charger for him as he left it on the side and made him a cup of tea in his flask for the drive.

You didn’t ask him to book the earlier flight

well you did but I don’t think you understand how you communicate and maybe it would help your marriage to have a proper conversation as I suspect his interpretation may be very different. It might be useful to each explain to the other what they are hearing

Which uk airport was he flying into?

I know Bristol airport had to close recently at very short notice because there was an issue with the runway and all flights were being diverted. I've heard people got redirected to as far away as Newcastle.

If I'm picking this up right he had a couple of beers in the airport, flew home and then drove 30 - 40 minutes home? That's not OK OP. Are you sure that he actually even booked the later flight home? He sounds totally irresponsible.

Agree that I think there’s a bit of resentment towards him - he senses this and therefore is lying about the flight.

The lying isn’t great. He sounds like my DH who tries to please everyone and ends up pissing people off/lying.

I think you should have left him in peace to enjoy his weekend. And not moaned about the kids or got him to book another flight!. The only reason I think you would do this is because you don’t get equal time away with friends? So do that - book a trip and leave him with three kids. It really helps keep the balance in the relationship.