AIBU to be upset my husband lied about his flight being overbooked?

[OrangeSlices998]

Need some perspective on this and whether my head needs a wobble.

So me and DH have been together for 10 years, we have 3 kids together. We met in London and moved to a small town for his work after our first DC was born.

Recently he went away for a planned lads holiday to Malaga with his uni mates as they’re all turning 40. I don’t know the mates well, they all bar 1 came to the wedding, one was his best man who was incredibly drunk and didn’t do the best speech due to this. I’m only mentioning this because heavy drinking is the norm when these guys get together.

They went to Spain for 4 days, due to fly back on Sunday lunchtime. Originally he had booked to come back on a flight to get him home for 7pm, I had said that was later than I thought he would be back. He then booked a different flight that would have him home for 4pm - this is important.

I didn’t hear from DH much at all, I hadn’t expected to tbh because he was with his friends although it would have been nice to have the odd text checking in as the kids were being very hard work! On Saturday he phoned from his mates phone to tell me he had been mugged the previous evening, he was very drunk and got pushed over and his phone stolen. He thankfully wasn’t hurt and nothing else was stolen. I asked him to buy a cheap phone while he was out there so he wasn’t impossible to reach, I had his mates number but that’s it. I was not having the best time with the kids, they were being very hard work and the crap weather and no car didn’t help.

Saturday lunchtime we speak and I told him what a rough time I was having, the kids were being unusually difficult and I was exhausted. He made sympathetic noises, the call ended. I survived the day (!) and Sunday came. DH hadn’t bought a phone, he called me from his mates phone at about 10ish local time and told me he was heading to the airport shortly (flight departed 12pm local time).

4pm rolled around, not home. Check arrivals, flight landed and he had only hand luggage but traffic etc. 5pm, nothing. 6pm, nothing. I start getting worried, where is he? Is he okay? Did he get on the flight? Did something happen? We live 30-40 minutes from the airport, no traffic showing. I try contacting his friend just to make sure there hadn’t been any issues in Spain, he doesn’t answer. Go out for a walk with the kids as I’m anxious and on edge. Get home at 7.30pm and he walks in about 7.45pm. Says he had to get the second flight of the 2 he booked, the first one was overbooked.

I’m confused now because why didn’t he just call/text me to tell me? I had spent half the afternoon worrying for nothing! His friend had been at the airport with him for a bit, why not just let me know? I was annoyed about this as I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t have just got in touch as he knew I was expecting him on the first flight. I’m just confused because nothing is making sense. DH keeps repeating the story, flight overbooked and I asked what he did while waiting, he said he was just sat in the airport waiting for the second flight. I asked him why he didn’t try to reach me somehow, there would have been ways.

His friend comes back to me on Monday and says DH’s flight was after his and there were no issues. Now I’m more confused because that would mean DH friends flight was before 12pm but I spoke to him at 10am local time and they weren’t at the airport. I called DH on this and said BULLSHIT I think you and your mates decided you coming home on the first flight ruined the fun so you decided to just not get on the first flight and didn’t tell me because you knew I’d be annoyed.

Eventually he admits yes. He had got to the airport for the first flight and didn’t want to leave so he decided fuck it I’ll get the later flight and knew I’d be pissed so didn’t tell me. Had a couple more beers with his mates till they all got their flights and then he got the later one and decided to tell me the first one was overbooked.

I am very hurt by this. Am I being a dick? He knew I had had a tough weekend, he knew I was exhausted, he knew I thought he would be back earlier and he knew I’d be hurt he opted not to get back sooner (I appreciate it’s only a few hours) and decided to lie to me and keep lying. As far as I know he’s never done anything like this before he’s usually a shit liar and wears his heart on his sleeve. We’ve been through a lot together and I really am hurt by it.

I’m less bothered by the fact he had had a lovely time with mates and didn’t want the holiday to end versus the lying to me and not communicating to me, knowing I hadn’t had the easiest weekend. It just feels out of character.

AIBU?

It seemed easier he had the car to get back,

I'm really struggling to understand that to be fair.. if the return airport was only 30- 40 minutes drive away and he'd already had to have one uber to get between the two different airports on the outbound journey.. how is you being without the car for four days easier than him getting two ubers? or arranging a lift there and back?

I'd have dropped him/picked him up at the airport and kept the car, being without a car for 4 days would be a massive faff with 3 kids, no wonder you're so annoyed, there's not much point agreeing to that plan then complaining about it though!

On MN, women with DC deserve breaks, but men are cheating scum if they want to do the same.

@OrangeSlices998 don't waste any more of your time explaining every detail to smart arse posters on here. Unfortunately Mumsnet ain't what it used to be, nowadays it's got a lot of posters just looking to annoy someone. They love to pontificate.

You have a lot more patience than I would have in the circumstances. I'd have walked away around page 4.

Well, it's subjective.

If I was going on a break with friends and my husband wanted me to not travel back with the group so I could be home an extra three hours, heard that I had been mugged and decided that the priority was buying a new phone because one easy way to contact me wasn't enough, moaned about having no car after agreeing to me taking the car, moaned about how difficult a time he was having while I was only gone for three days, contacted my friends because he wasn't hearing from me enough, and then proceeded to tell me how hurt he was because he'd had such a difficult time while I was away, I would consider that to be something of a nightmare.

Everyone's standards are different.

He lied which isn’t great but I can see why. You’ve definitely tried to guilt trip him, you sound like a bit of a nag. If I were him and my partner behaved like you I’d be very pissed off and wouldn’t stand for it tbh.

People have been saying MN isn't what it used to be since I was pregnant on my eldest...twenty-one years ago 😂

Gosh that’s dramatic, a ltb.

im,always surprised by the amount of posters who see their partner as their support act. The wingman, whose job it is to support you

i see marriage very differently, we are equal partners, we support each other when appropriate, but have other avenues of support and we work as a team

my husband isn’t my wingman, I find the thought cringe worthy , and I’d have no issue with 3 hours later home. I’d also look within and ask myself why he felt the need to lie. What reaction was he expecting.

becaude Wingman works two ways, and if you agree your partner is going away with his friends, then by that barometer your job is to support them, take care of the kids, not call them whinging about how hard it is and make them so uncomfortable lying is preferable to telling yoh something as basic as I’m on the later flight babe.

OP, I see a lot of comments here that you shouldn't have mentioned that the kids were hard work when you spoke to DH on the Saturday. You mentioned in one of your replies that your husband has been deployed at times, leaving you in charge of all the kids and you've been fine. I don't know how much you get to talk to DH when he's deployed, but I know when my DP is away with work (happens frequently unfortunately), when he phones to check in with us, he genuinely wants to know how our day has been, even if it's been tough. He would actually be quite upset if I lied and pretended everything was great all the time. No he can't do anything to support me in a practical way, but he can sympathise and on the odd occasion has reminded DD to go easy on me 😂. Actually, I think it helps him sometimes in a weird way - I imagine it would be awful to feel like you're never needed as a parent because the primary caregiver always has everything under control and the children are always little darlings for them!
The point is, I'm used to being very honest with him when he's away, and he's used to hearing that it's not all sunshine and roses! Is that the same for you? Was your mentioning of unusually challenging behaviour just a normal conversation for you?

I agree with you about the lying. No excuses for it, and so unfair of him to leave you worrying - I would be too!

The lies aren't good. You need to look at why he felt the need to lie. Some self reflection and communication would be useful.

I totally agree with this!
Not sure if you’ve seen the number of vicious trolling that’s been on MN recently but it looks like the bullies are still pursuing posters. Just ignore the ignorant, bullying bastards!! They clearly have no holiday plans so are trying to spoil your day.
YANBU
Spouses should not lie! Even absent parents should care about how their children are behaving.

None of that is controlling or coercive behaviour.

Telling your partner you're exhausted and having a rough time with your three children isn't manipulation, it's normal communication.

Likewise, saying you expected him home earlier or would feel hurt if they deliberately chose to stay later doesn't remove their autonomy. He was perfectly entitled to take the later flight, but instead of telling her he'd changed his plans, he deliberately let her expect him home at 4pm, then invented a story about an overbooked flight and continued to lie until he was caught.

You seem to be interpreting OP expressing any negative emotion about his choices as an attempt to control him, and those are remotely the same thing.

Controlling behaviour would be insisting he wasn't allowed on the holiday, dictating exactly when he had to return, repeatedly calling him, demanding constant updates or threatening him or giving him the silent treatment for not coming home when she wanted.

Edited to add I'd say exactly the same if it was the other way around and it was the wife away on a trip.

I'm astonished that hardly anyone is picking up on the drinking. Losing his phone/getting mugged, missing a flight either because he was too drunk or wanted to keep drinking are imo the big issues here and signs of a real problem. Sorry OP. I'm 100% with you.

This probably comes across cruel but I don’t blame him for lying to you, it was the last day of his holiday with his mates and you wanted to rush him to get home. For the sake of 3 hours I wouldn’t have bothered.

In future if he wants to go away, get some support or tell him no as you can’t cope on your own.

How did he get his boarding passes for both the early flight and the original later flight if his phone had been nicked?

So you would be happy lying to your partner rather than just saying I'm getting the later flight.

Also, OP didn't say she can't cope with the kids, you've made that bit up.

Some of these posts are incredibly juvenile.

Not everyone who disagrees with some of OP's behaviour is a bully? It's akin to when parents tell their children that people who dislike them are jealous of them! What is going on? It's entirely reasonable for people to have differing opinions, otherwise the site wouldn't exist!

It was the lying that was the problem.

But I'm sure you already know that and you just like to be dramatic 😂

This whole thing is bizarre. He may or may not have booked an additional early flight, which you don’t know unless you have seen the confirmation. He obviously never cancelled the original flight. Then he says he was ‘mugged’ but somehow manages to access the email/app with his flight and boarding pass. Neither of you seem to possess any common sense when it comes to the car logistics - there was no need for him to leave the car at the airport all weekend! He is definitely wrong for lying though. Is his phone definitely lost (and I assume lost when drunk more than anything)?

Lot of “cool girl” vibes here but I’m betting many of these posters wouldn’t be so cool and understanding if their partner got drunk, lost his phone, lied about what time they’d be home, etc.

Right, and yet some are calling the OP “controlling”.

Controlling people don’t agree to trips like this in the first place. They track location, call friends to confirm things, demand receipts and wouldn’t be left alone without the car.

⬆️⬆️ this

It’s oretty nirmal and common for one oartner to tell the other things are hard with the dcs.
i am SURE the dh would have had no issue complaining if she had been on hols whilst he is looking after the dcs WITHOUT a car

btw I’m assuming you didn’t have a car because he took it to go tomthecauirpirt. Next time, tell him to take a taxi. You having no car fur 4 days in just not on.

I feel stifled just reading your OP.

I know you say it's not how you intended it, but your posts really come across as though you're seething with resentment about absolutely everything he does.

He shouldn't have lied but you shouldn't have coerced him into cutting his 40th birthday holiday short and having to travel home alone while his friends all stayed to enjoy the final day. I'm not really surprised he decided to stay, or that he felt he needed to lie to you about it.

What? His friends left on an earlier flight! He apparently sat alone drinking in the airport.

Why but why doing such a complex organisation?
And why did you ever agree to the no car situation?

I mean airport A migut have been ‘far away’. But up to him to organise himself - book a hotel, meet with one of the friends, whatever. I mean if he had no hesitation finance wise to book another flight earlier, he could have paid fir a longer journey in a taxi/hotel.

Yes going away is fine but making as it hard as possible for you? Nope.