AIBU to be upset my husband lied about his flight being overbooked?

[OrangeSlices998]

Need some perspective on this and whether my head needs a wobble.

So me and DH have been together for 10 years, we have 3 kids together. We met in London and moved to a small town for his work after our first DC was born.

Recently he went away for a planned lads holiday to Malaga with his uni mates as they’re all turning 40. I don’t know the mates well, they all bar 1 came to the wedding, one was his best man who was incredibly drunk and didn’t do the best speech due to this. I’m only mentioning this because heavy drinking is the norm when these guys get together.

They went to Spain for 4 days, due to fly back on Sunday lunchtime. Originally he had booked to come back on a flight to get him home for 7pm, I had said that was later than I thought he would be back. He then booked a different flight that would have him home for 4pm - this is important.

I didn’t hear from DH much at all, I hadn’t expected to tbh because he was with his friends although it would have been nice to have the odd text checking in as the kids were being very hard work! On Saturday he phoned from his mates phone to tell me he had been mugged the previous evening, he was very drunk and got pushed over and his phone stolen. He thankfully wasn’t hurt and nothing else was stolen. I asked him to buy a cheap phone while he was out there so he wasn’t impossible to reach, I had his mates number but that’s it. I was not having the best time with the kids, they were being very hard work and the crap weather and no car didn’t help.

Saturday lunchtime we speak and I told him what a rough time I was having, the kids were being unusually difficult and I was exhausted. He made sympathetic noises, the call ended. I survived the day (!) and Sunday came. DH hadn’t bought a phone, he called me from his mates phone at about 10ish local time and told me he was heading to the airport shortly (flight departed 12pm local time).

4pm rolled around, not home. Check arrivals, flight landed and he had only hand luggage but traffic etc. 5pm, nothing. 6pm, nothing. I start getting worried, where is he? Is he okay? Did he get on the flight? Did something happen? We live 30-40 minutes from the airport, no traffic showing. I try contacting his friend just to make sure there hadn’t been any issues in Spain, he doesn’t answer. Go out for a walk with the kids as I’m anxious and on edge. Get home at 7.30pm and he walks in about 7.45pm. Says he had to get the second flight of the 2 he booked, the first one was overbooked.

I’m confused now because why didn’t he just call/text me to tell me? I had spent half the afternoon worrying for nothing! His friend had been at the airport with him for a bit, why not just let me know? I was annoyed about this as I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t have just got in touch as he knew I was expecting him on the first flight. I’m just confused because nothing is making sense. DH keeps repeating the story, flight overbooked and I asked what he did while waiting, he said he was just sat in the airport waiting for the second flight. I asked him why he didn’t try to reach me somehow, there would have been ways.

His friend comes back to me on Monday and says DH’s flight was after his and there were no issues. Now I’m more confused because that would mean DH friends flight was before 12pm but I spoke to him at 10am local time and they weren’t at the airport. I called DH on this and said BULLSHIT I think you and your mates decided you coming home on the first flight ruined the fun so you decided to just not get on the first flight and didn’t tell me because you knew I’d be annoyed.

Eventually he admits yes. He had got to the airport for the first flight and didn’t want to leave so he decided fuck it I’ll get the later flight and knew I’d be pissed so didn’t tell me. Had a couple more beers with his mates till they all got their flights and then he got the later one and decided to tell me the first one was overbooked.

I am very hurt by this. Am I being a dick? He knew I had had a tough weekend, he knew I was exhausted, he knew I thought he would be back earlier and he knew I’d be hurt he opted not to get back sooner (I appreciate it’s only a few hours) and decided to lie to me and keep lying. As far as I know he’s never done anything like this before he’s usually a shit liar and wears his heart on his sleeve. We’ve been through a lot together and I really am hurt by it.

I’m less bothered by the fact he had had a lovely time with mates and didn’t want the holiday to end versus the lying to me and not communicating to me, knowing I hadn’t had the easiest weekend. It just feels out of character.

AIBU?

He needs to grow up. The problem is, if he is a liar then what else has he /will he lie about during the course of your relationship? Is he usually ok day to day?

Well it was a bit crap to lie but I think you put undue pressure on him to come back early which was unfair.
If my DH tried to interfere with my plans when I was away I would be mightily pissed off

I didn’t put any pressure we were on the sofa chatting about his plans and I asked the timings of his flights there and back. He told me and I just said oh you’ll be back right as I’m putting the kids to bed and must have made a face I guess, because he then booked this other flight. That he didn’t get on so a waste of money really! I never asked him to come back early or cut his trip short.

I do think he changed the flight at all and always intended to get the later flight.

If it's "out of character", my guess is his friends put him up to it and he's too weak to stand his ground around them.

I doubt he had even booked the early flight.

i do think it was a bit off though you complaining re the kids when there was nothing he could do and effectively making him feel guilty. Let him enjoy his break and wait till after to chat?

I don't think this is unreasonable at all. 4pm vs 8pm makes a real difference. Bedtime is by far the worst bit of parenting solo while one parent is away - if he won't be back by bedtime, he might as well stay away another day. That's how it works with me and dh, and we only have two not three.

I hope he wasn’t driving

Hmmm
he paid for another flight which just happened to have room on it during the height of summer
i don’t believe him
i reckon he never booked the earlier one (because he’d also not get a refund on that)
the lack of communication is off as is the lying and making you out to be unreasonable as you’d be upset with him is massive gaslighting

if my husband did anything like this it would be incredibly out of character

is that the same for your DH ?

Honestly, you'll have people coming on and saying he's a shit and you should ltb, but you sound quite controlling to me. I don't understand why you made him book another flight for the sake of 3 hours? You must have money to burn.

He's been away for 4 days, not a month. Surely you're both entitled to time to yourselves? Hopefully you can sort out a break away with your friends too.

His drunken friends, however, are a different matter. I'd be a bit concerned about him spending time with them too often. Does he also have nice friends?

And the lying is definitely not ok.

So...six of one, half a dozen of the other!

Changing his mind at the last minute is marginality better than lying to your face about the flight he booked.

You sound like you very much begrudge him going away with his mates and were trying to put a dampener on it at every point (you say you don't - but your actions say otherwise).

What was wrong with him getting home at 7pm?

What did you expect him to say when you phoned to moan about having a bad time with the kids? He's away enjoying himself, likely hungover, and then you ring him to have a moan - trying to ruin his fun?

Unless he is out with his mates every weekend and you are always left alone with the kids YABU.

This is terrible behaviour. Also why the living fuck did he park the car at the airport and leave you without it if it was going to make managing the kids harder? Surely he could have got public transport.

He clearly never changed his flight to the earlier one - however if he did, he would have had to pay for a second ticket for the later fight - it's not a bus, you can't just decide to get a later one!

What I would be annoyed about is that he chose to sit in an airport drinking over coming home. I could understand if they were doing something worthwhile.

What’s your DH like as a parent generally? Does he go away for weekends often? Do you get enough time to do your hobbies?

I’ve got 3 kids and I know it can be tough parenting on your own for a weekend but I do think you’ve put a bit of pressure on him whether you meant to or not. Were you worried about him doing something on the weekend?

I think if he’s not usually off with his mates on weekends, it feels a bit like you wanted him home earlier. You’ve already mentioned ringing him and saying things with the kids are tough. And I get it, I do but if he’s a good husband and good father, having a weekend away shouldn’t be a big thing. Maybe he felt you wanted him to get an earlier flight home and was nervous about talking to you about it.

While I agree that he should not have lied I also think you should not have been checking in on him so much and talking about how difficult things were with the kids.

I would hate it if I was away and was constantly being checked up on and expected to listen to my wife talking about how difficult things were at home.

If being away for 4 nights is too much then that conversation needed to happen before the trip, not during. I think you’re both in the wrong here.

I'd be a bit dubious if he was mugged. Sounds like he didn't want you to be able to check up on him and needed a good cover story for why he spent a lot.

He shouldn't have lied about it but I guess he felt guilty. Honestly I think just try and move past this OP. He screwed up but not in a massive way.

I would be gutted if my husband behaved like this but I absolutely hate liars! It would make me question everything

Honestly you sound far too intense. And that you begrudge him.

He should not have lied. But truly you should have let him be for a few days. Looking after one’s own children for the weekend alone (excepting special needs of course) really should not be that hard. This comment applies equally to mothers and fathers.

You turned what should have been a fun weekend for him into a battlefield. That is unreasonable. But I have no truck with lies at all. So he is unreasonable too.

You say in your OP "he knew I’d be hurt he opted not to get back sooner"

Telling someone you will be hurt if they make a choice you don't like is pressure.

You sound like a massive pain in the arse to be honest! Why did he have to be home by 4pm? A weekend away is a weekend away, you’re out of order for guilt tripping him on the phone about how hard you’re having it, such a buzzkill. You clearly were annoyed about him being away having fun. He shouldn’t lie but I can see why he didn’t want to come home earlier. Why don’t you just have a weekend away yourself and leave him to it, you both deserve free time without a curfew.

Were they all driving after having a few beers?

You sound too controlling and that’s why he lied to you .
why did you have to keep contacting him- telling him how hard the kids are - were you trying to make him feel guilty to come home early ?

if he did this to you on a weekend away with your mates - how would you feel ?

I don't like the lies that he has made about this.

Though I do think you were unreasonable to moan about the children being hard work to him when you spoke to him. If you didn't want him to go then you should have made this clear from the start, or is there anyone you could have roped in to help you if you know your children are that difficult you cannot cope alone for 4 days? Grandparents?
I think this probably contributed to him making up the earlier flight to try and make it sound better to you, but now has made it worse by lying.

Both of you need to communicate better - you saying no to the lads trips, and him to making it clear if he does go away what the boundaries are e.g. not leaving early.