AIBU to be upset my husband lied about his flight being overbooked?

[OrangeSlices998]

Need some perspective on this and whether my head needs a wobble.

So me and DH have been together for 10 years, we have 3 kids together. We met in London and moved to a small town for his work after our first DC was born.

Recently he went away for a planned lads holiday to Malaga with his uni mates as they’re all turning 40. I don’t know the mates well, they all bar 1 came to the wedding, one was his best man who was incredibly drunk and didn’t do the best speech due to this. I’m only mentioning this because heavy drinking is the norm when these guys get together.

They went to Spain for 4 days, due to fly back on Sunday lunchtime. Originally he had booked to come back on a flight to get him home for 7pm, I had said that was later than I thought he would be back. He then booked a different flight that would have him home for 4pm - this is important.

I didn’t hear from DH much at all, I hadn’t expected to tbh because he was with his friends although it would have been nice to have the odd text checking in as the kids were being very hard work! On Saturday he phoned from his mates phone to tell me he had been mugged the previous evening, he was very drunk and got pushed over and his phone stolen. He thankfully wasn’t hurt and nothing else was stolen. I asked him to buy a cheap phone while he was out there so he wasn’t impossible to reach, I had his mates number but that’s it. I was not having the best time with the kids, they were being very hard work and the crap weather and no car didn’t help.

Saturday lunchtime we speak and I told him what a rough time I was having, the kids were being unusually difficult and I was exhausted. He made sympathetic noises, the call ended. I survived the day (!) and Sunday came. DH hadn’t bought a phone, he called me from his mates phone at about 10ish local time and told me he was heading to the airport shortly (flight departed 12pm local time).

4pm rolled around, not home. Check arrivals, flight landed and he had only hand luggage but traffic etc. 5pm, nothing. 6pm, nothing. I start getting worried, where is he? Is he okay? Did he get on the flight? Did something happen? We live 30-40 minutes from the airport, no traffic showing. I try contacting his friend just to make sure there hadn’t been any issues in Spain, he doesn’t answer. Go out for a walk with the kids as I’m anxious and on edge. Get home at 7.30pm and he walks in about 7.45pm. Says he had to get the second flight of the 2 he booked, the first one was overbooked.

I’m confused now because why didn’t he just call/text me to tell me? I had spent half the afternoon worrying for nothing! His friend had been at the airport with him for a bit, why not just let me know? I was annoyed about this as I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t have just got in touch as he knew I was expecting him on the first flight. I’m just confused because nothing is making sense. DH keeps repeating the story, flight overbooked and I asked what he did while waiting, he said he was just sat in the airport waiting for the second flight. I asked him why he didn’t try to reach me somehow, there would have been ways.

His friend comes back to me on Monday and says DH’s flight was after his and there were no issues. Now I’m more confused because that would mean DH friends flight was before 12pm but I spoke to him at 10am local time and they weren’t at the airport. I called DH on this and said BULLSHIT I think you and your mates decided you coming home on the first flight ruined the fun so you decided to just not get on the first flight and didn’t tell me because you knew I’d be annoyed.

Eventually he admits yes. He had got to the airport for the first flight and didn’t want to leave so he decided fuck it I’ll get the later flight and knew I’d be pissed so didn’t tell me. Had a couple more beers with his mates till they all got their flights and then he got the later one and decided to tell me the first one was overbooked.

I am very hurt by this. Am I being a dick? He knew I had had a tough weekend, he knew I was exhausted, he knew I thought he would be back earlier and he knew I’d be hurt he opted not to get back sooner (I appreciate it’s only a few hours) and decided to lie to me and keep lying. As far as I know he’s never done anything like this before he’s usually a shit liar and wears his heart on his sleeve. We’ve been through a lot together and I really am hurt by it.

I’m less bothered by the fact he had had a lovely time with mates and didn’t want the holiday to end versus the lying to me and not communicating to me, knowing I hadn’t had the easiest weekend. It just feels out of character.

AIBU?

He shouldn't have lied OP but I can see why he did. In your situation I wouldn't have let on during calls that I was having a rough time with kids as I wouldn't have wanted him to feel bad about as there is nothing he could have done. I think this may have been what prevented him from calling you.

It's awful that he got mugged but again I wouldn't have expected to run around trying to buy a cheap phone for 1 or 2 nights as that could have taken a lot of time.

I think you may have put more pressure on him than you think on terms of what time he is returning home.

Why didn't you have access to a car?

This is a chicken and egg situation - are you this controlling because he lies or does he lie because you are controlling. I think you guys need a calm conversation about respect and trust. I would be absolutely fuming if my dh lied about a flight, but equally id be fuming if I was on a weekend away and my dh was calling my mates phone and moaning about the kids.

I think you put too much pressure on him. He was away for a few days with his mates and you are calling him complaining about the children. I think this may have had an impact on him not telling the truth although it was wrong of him to tell lies of course.

I think if someone is away on a weekend you just write the weekend off. Whining about a 3-hour time difference on the Sunday evening is a bit pointless.

He shouldn’t have lied but also ringing to tell him how hard work the kids have been while he’s away is very passive aggressive.

Have I misunderstood that he lost his phone and did not have another phone? How could he have contacted you, I mean without having to find a payphone or something?

If the friends were on different flights, surely he couldn't use a friends phone? I guess he could have Whatsapped or emailed if he had a laptop with him?

Wow harsh. I didn’t moan constantly, he asked and I answered that they were being hard work. I didn’t expect him to do anything he was half cut when we had that conversation so I doubt he took much in it remembered it after! Next time I won’t tell him if they’re being hard work!

Eh? No one said you lied.

You said:

it would have been nice to have the odd text checking in as the kids were being very hard work!

I asked him to buy a cheap phone while he was out there so he wasn’t impossible to reach, I had his mates number but that’s it. I was not having the best time with the kids, they were being very hard work and the crap weather and no car didn’t help.

My point was that him texting you or calling you wasn't going to help your issues with the kids, no car and bad weather.

So it sounds like you wanted a moan and he didn't tell you about the later flight because you were going to moan about that too.

And even a cheapo phone will cost a £100.

A cheap phone would have been easy to buy.

I didn’t have access to a car because he drove it to the airport, he flew out of one airport and back to another. Getting home from the airport on a Sunday via public transport would have been very arduous.

You are making a lot of drama about it all. Yes, you have 3 kids, but it's not such an ordeal just because their dad is having one weekend off. How do you even manage when he's not around.

The way you describe it, you are really resentful and angry he had some time with friends, and make it more than clear.

I can't blame it for trying the easiest option and avoid yet another argument. I'd be pissed off if my husband was complaining so much about being left with the kids when I am away for the weekend. They are his kids too, mums are allowed time off! And so are dads...

I’m saying even if I had lied and said all was well no issues here would that make his lie okay? I don’t think it would have changed the outcome, I think he’d have still carried on drinking in the airport with his mates

Do you not think his drinking is becoming a problem? You say you don't have money to burn and yet.....and he stays longer and lies to you so he can keep drinking?

It sounds like a lot of fuss over a weekend. Yes he shouldn't have lied to you but equally if you had agreed for him to have a weekend away you should have left him alone to enjoy it. It's only a few days and his arrival home was only a few hours later the same day.

I told him once, when he called me, that the kids were being hard work. I don’t resent him at all! I parent solo plenty, he’s been deployed on and off most of the marriage meaning I’ve done plenty of months solo pregnant/with a toddler/with 2 kids. Is 3 trickier? Yeah sometimes. I cope, we cope. They were being unusually dickish this weekend, sue me for saying as much.

How old are the kids?

I think you either agree to these weekends as a couple (both of you having equal trips with friends) and you just crack on with solo parenting for that time or you ageee not to do it whilst the kids are young.

I don’t see what diff 3 hours makes really.

And I don’t understand the beers in the airport and the driving home … and how did he get to the other airport where the car was?

How did he fly out of 1 airport and back to a different one with a car?

I don’t think he ever booked the earlier flight.

7pm on a Sunday evening for a short trip of a few days really isn’t that late and a short 4 day trip with friends you known for decades really isn’t that long.

He’s sounds childish & you sound controlling. And what was wrong with the weather?

I think you were not happy about this trip from the very beginning, and rather than be honest with your husband about it you made digs from the start and throughout. He chose to lie to you to placate you and got caught out.

It’s hard to know.

Is the real issue that you never get child free time?

When was the last time you had a weekend away without the kids?

His friends went to the airport with him for the earlier flight, when it was supposedly overbooked I was surprised he didn’t use a mates phone to say ‘hey flights overbooked I’m getting X flight see you later’ he tried to make out he was alone while he waited, I was confused why he didn’t then let me know. Turns out he was drinking with his mates, had a way to say something and didn’t.

He wasn’t cutting the holiday short, and I never asked him to. The flight he booked of his own volition left at 12, his mates flights were 2-2.30ish I think, the flight he ended up getting left at 4? I’m not sure. We’re talking about a few hours of beers in an airport bar

Do you get any time off? I know you are denying it but I can feel the resentment through your posts. It’s not a criticism - I would feel resentful too if I didn’t get weekends away and DH did.

My warning is that it can affect a marriage.
So does need to be dealt with.

If I’m honest - he had already decided on the flight he wanted to take which was the 7pm - and he felt under pressure to change it.

Edited to say: I also think it’s unfair to go on about how difficult the children when your spouse is on holiday.

A whole weekend? I went on my friends hen do in 2023, that was 3 nights I think. We had 2 kids then. I’ve had the odd night away since, I had a night away in April to see a friend.

He shouldn't have lied but you sound awful and very controlling. You don't sound like you were happy for him to go on the trip and so laid on the guilt, you 'pulled a face' when he wouldn't be home by bedtime, get a grip. I'd never tell my DH I was struggling with the kids while he was away, I'd be too embarrassed.

The perpetual 'ball and chain wife' stereotype. Awful.

However, he needs to grow a backbone and stand up to you or leave you, lying helps no-one.

You already do a huge amount of solo parenting.
Sounds like he thinks he is a single man.
You deserve more consideration.
Has he ever looked after HIS children for a few days, or is he a complete loser?

So why don’t you have equal time off? Why don’t you book a weekend away with friends? You sound slightly like a martyr here….