AIBU to be upset my husband lied about his flight being overbooked?

[OrangeSlices998]

Need some perspective on this and whether my head needs a wobble.

So me and DH have been together for 10 years, we have 3 kids together. We met in London and moved to a small town for his work after our first DC was born.

Recently he went away for a planned lads holiday to Malaga with his uni mates as they’re all turning 40. I don’t know the mates well, they all bar 1 came to the wedding, one was his best man who was incredibly drunk and didn’t do the best speech due to this. I’m only mentioning this because heavy drinking is the norm when these guys get together.

They went to Spain for 4 days, due to fly back on Sunday lunchtime. Originally he had booked to come back on a flight to get him home for 7pm, I had said that was later than I thought he would be back. He then booked a different flight that would have him home for 4pm - this is important.

I didn’t hear from DH much at all, I hadn’t expected to tbh because he was with his friends although it would have been nice to have the odd text checking in as the kids were being very hard work! On Saturday he phoned from his mates phone to tell me he had been mugged the previous evening, he was very drunk and got pushed over and his phone stolen. He thankfully wasn’t hurt and nothing else was stolen. I asked him to buy a cheap phone while he was out there so he wasn’t impossible to reach, I had his mates number but that’s it. I was not having the best time with the kids, they were being very hard work and the crap weather and no car didn’t help.

Saturday lunchtime we speak and I told him what a rough time I was having, the kids were being unusually difficult and I was exhausted. He made sympathetic noises, the call ended. I survived the day (!) and Sunday came. DH hadn’t bought a phone, he called me from his mates phone at about 10ish local time and told me he was heading to the airport shortly (flight departed 12pm local time).

4pm rolled around, not home. Check arrivals, flight landed and he had only hand luggage but traffic etc. 5pm, nothing. 6pm, nothing. I start getting worried, where is he? Is he okay? Did he get on the flight? Did something happen? We live 30-40 minutes from the airport, no traffic showing. I try contacting his friend just to make sure there hadn’t been any issues in Spain, he doesn’t answer. Go out for a walk with the kids as I’m anxious and on edge. Get home at 7.30pm and he walks in about 7.45pm. Says he had to get the second flight of the 2 he booked, the first one was overbooked.

I’m confused now because why didn’t he just call/text me to tell me? I had spent half the afternoon worrying for nothing! His friend had been at the airport with him for a bit, why not just let me know? I was annoyed about this as I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t have just got in touch as he knew I was expecting him on the first flight. I’m just confused because nothing is making sense. DH keeps repeating the story, flight overbooked and I asked what he did while waiting, he said he was just sat in the airport waiting for the second flight. I asked him why he didn’t try to reach me somehow, there would have been ways.

His friend comes back to me on Monday and says DH’s flight was after his and there were no issues. Now I’m more confused because that would mean DH friends flight was before 12pm but I spoke to him at 10am local time and they weren’t at the airport. I called DH on this and said BULLSHIT I think you and your mates decided you coming home on the first flight ruined the fun so you decided to just not get on the first flight and didn’t tell me because you knew I’d be annoyed.

Eventually he admits yes. He had got to the airport for the first flight and didn’t want to leave so he decided fuck it I’ll get the later flight and knew I’d be pissed so didn’t tell me. Had a couple more beers with his mates till they all got their flights and then he got the later one and decided to tell me the first one was overbooked.

I am very hurt by this. Am I being a dick? He knew I had had a tough weekend, he knew I was exhausted, he knew I thought he would be back earlier and he knew I’d be hurt he opted not to get back sooner (I appreciate it’s only a few hours) and decided to lie to me and keep lying. As far as I know he’s never done anything like this before he’s usually a shit liar and wears his heart on his sleeve. We’ve been through a lot together and I really am hurt by it.

I’m less bothered by the fact he had had a lovely time with mates and didn’t want the holiday to end versus the lying to me and not communicating to me, knowing I hadn’t had the easiest weekend. It just feels out of character.

AIBU?

Him lying and the lack of communication isn't on, YANBU about that, but it sounds like you dictated to him/guilted him into 'booking an earlier flight' (jury still out on whether he actually did this) and then moaning about the kids to him while he was away was a dick move.

Clearly lying and going AWOL is the answer to nothing but if it's part of a wider pattern of behaviour you have to ask yourself if there is anything in your relationship where he feels he needs to do this.

Some men are lying dicks with wives that have done nothing wrong. Some are lying dicks who lie to avoid arguments with their PITA wives. Only you know which one you are.

I'm team DH. He should not lie but you are controlling. Next time he goes away let him has his fun. Don't try and get him back early. It's not just what you say. It's how you act. It's passive aggressive to pull faces and give him a hard time abhor hard it is looking afterthe dc.

If he's away all the time that's different than a one off stag.

Im a bit surprised you can’t do 3 kids for the weekend. I did 10 days solo with a 1 yo 2 yo and 4 yo

I'm another one that's confused about the car and the in and out of 2 different airports @OrangeSlices998 , could you elaborate? Did he drive home drunk?! That would make me far angrier than him lying about the flight, although I'd be cross about that, simply because I detest liars.

I can see both sides here. I think your DH was a dick by lying about the flight home and leaving you to worry - also weird he left you without a car. On the other hand, you agreed for him to go so constantly calling and checking in and moaning about the kids’ behaviour is passive aggressive and controlling. What was he supposed to do about the children? Could it have been your anxiety making them play up? I don’t really get why 4 hours was such a massive issue, or what difference it would really make for him to be home 3-4 hours earlier? It does seem weird not be able to handle your own kids for a long weekend. The mugging thing is weird as well. All in all…you need to have a better communication style and work out how you can balance family responsibilities with personal free time.

Honestly it sounds like you are needy and a tad controlling. No he doesn’t need to constantly check in with you. He obviously lied because he knew what the reception would be. You can surely manage a long weekend with the kids yourself. If this were the other way round people here would be telling the DH to get on and look after his kids and give his wife a break FGS. Get a grip.

Also getting a cheap phone so he’s available? If something were to happen what could he do about it??

Originally he had booked to come back on a flight to get him home for 7pm, I had said that was later than I thought he would be back.

He then booked a different flight that would have him home for 4pm

Saturday lunchtime we speak and I told him what a rough time I was having, the kids were being unusually difficult and I was exhausted.

I'm sorry OP but what did you expect? You made it clear you were unhappy about the 7pm arrival time, which prompted him to book an earlier one to appease you.. he hasn't booked that because he wanted to come back early, he's booked it because you voiced your disapproved of his original plan.

When he did ring you, you told him all about how bad the kids were and exhausted you were, making him feel guilty.

If you were a man you would be having your arse handed to you right now.

@OrangeSlices998 I think the problem is - and this is what many posters were probably referring to - is that you had a moan about his return flight time and dealing with kids (at bedtime, alone, I presume) even before he went. So it’s not just because of having a moan about them while he was there, you had also implied (at least) that you wanted him to be home earlier. Why would those couple of hours even make a difference to you? If you’re used to dealing with bedtime on your own then it shouldn’t be a problem and I’d have not said anything. Aside from when deployed, if he didn’t make a habit of drunken weekends with his mates, why couldn’t you have just not commented on his return time? Why did you need to be negative, bearing in mind everyone’s flights were probably also booked by then and they’d likely all discussed this, so they knew how long they had, and so on.

Yes, lying about it wasn’t ideal, but why couldn’t you just have left it alone without making him feel bad, either before or during the weekend? Like I said, if he’s in the habit of fucking off on frequent drunken jollies then yeah, I’d have been a bit pissed about it too, but if that’s not the case, and if they’d only gone to celebrate all their birthdays together, then I would’ve just let him get in with it.

If part of the problem is (esp if he does do this frequently) that you never get any time to do things with your friends, then that’s a separate discussion you need to have. I’d personally maybe only expect (max) an “I’ve made it” text and then maybe another when about to board and would’ve let him get in with it, as I’d expect if I was away he was with the kids. I’d be pretty annoyed if I was away if they then called me moaning about the kids, tbh. If this isn’t a regular event I’d have just carried on. And I think telling him to buy a new phone, just for one night, was a bit wasteful, as I’m assuming he would’ve arranged a replacement to his when he got home. As I said, the lying itself wasn’t good, no, but I can sort of see why. If his friend’s flights were roughly around the same time (ish), they’d have arranged their flights to get the maximum time together for their meet-up. It sounds as tho they live all over the place - as they were getting different flights - so presumably don’t all get together very often, then I think it’s perfectly reasonable that they maximise the time they do have. I’d imagine that the last thing he wanted when he got home (or on the phone from the airport, in the last few hours of his holiday, hence why he never called you to tell you) was to immediately get met with moaning about the kids and later (but original) flight. Again, I’ll emphasise that I don’t think lying was right at all, but can sort of see why (in his mind) he did so, just for a quieter life, but I also think you were u reasonab,e to moan about having to do bedtime alone, even before he went and before they decided to act like little monsters, and then to do so when you spoke to him.

The equal time etc, if an issue, needs to be discussed separately to this incident, imo. Neither of you were saints tbh. You both need to work on any issues you do have.

'I didn’t have access to a car because he drove it to the airport, he flew out of one airport and back to another.'

How did that work? How did he get the car back?

Anyway, I get it and it is irritating but he was home by 7pm. If it had started getting late and he still was not home, I would have started to feel a bit anxious then, maybe around 10pm. But he was home by 7pm on the day that he was always due to be home so I wouldn't have a problem with it.

Why the hell are people defending this drunken waste of space?

He shouldnt have lied. But it sounds like one of these situations where he ends up lying about stuff like that because he knows you'll find a problem.
Not that I condone that but thats what starts to happen in relationships like this.
It was only 3 hours a difference and he was still getting home on the Sunday.
Sorry but this one is on u.

Oh! That’s shit re the weather. I think the only consolation must be that the holidays are almost over.

He probably didn't book an earlier flight, that was just to appease you. If you want to go forensic then ask for the email confirmation. He's a liar. Depends on how you feel about that.

He was drinking then drove home? I’d be more angry at that

Him going on this holiday didn't work for you at all, did it? He didn't show any interest in you all while he was away and you resented doing double duty parenting. To add to it, him and his mates can't be trusted not to be stupid and come to grief when they have a drink, so you've been worried. Then, icing on the cake, you discover he lies to you to do what he wants.
You need to remember just how much none of this worked for you next time he wants to do similar and not be in too much of a rush to tell him "yes, of course I'm OK with it". Next time, tell him the bits that were not ok, and what you want different.

This is an interesting question, that you just seemed to dodge. Why, if he was going to be drinking, didn’t he get public transport back anyway? I’m assuming that he must’ve got to the other airport to pick up his car somehow (public transport?) and then he drove his car back when he’d been drinking all afternoon, only stopping a short time before his flight? It sounds as tho it was a short flight as well, so would’ve still been over the limit, just an hour or two later? This doesn’t seem to have bothered you, when you explained why you didn’t have the car.

You are not wrong to feel hurt. And I think he should apologise for lying and for choosing to leave you to struggle with kids for as long as he did. I strongly recommend he covers a long weekend while you disappear with the car for a few days.

It’s 3 hours difference, you not coping with your own children for a few days is ridiculous. Just go away yourself for a few days so that he has to look after the kids for a bit (and come home 3 hours later than you said you would).

I think this was poor behaviour by the DH, but OP could have handled it better. They were both at fault.

I did go away when DS was young and there was nothing guaranteed to suck the joy out of being away more than DH moaning about DS or telling me something I couldn't do anything about as I was too far away. And yes, maybe on occasion, I did come back later than I could have done.

I did tell DH not to tell me about stuff I didn't need to know about, he was the parent in charge, so get on with it.

But a deliberate lie is not nice. I would be very annoyed about that.

I think that you are being a dick. Why be sour initially about 4pm v 7pm? Who cares? Why be moaning to him about the kids? And the you should do this, you should do that? It's only a weekend away.

If I was him I would have come back a week later.

Not the point of the thread I know, but how did the car thing work. He flew in and out of separate airports but you had no car? And he drove after spending extra hours in airport bar?

No they didn’t all go to the airport early, why would his friends cut short their day to sit in the airport when they had booked a later flight. What nonsense. They probably didn’t even get out of bed until check out time.

If he was home Saturday why did his friend message you on Monday to tell you about flights?

Did he also drive from the airport after drinking before the flight?

I’m sorry op I think you’re unreasonable, it’s a few hours and all you did was moan about how difficult it was to look after your own kids.

She’s not his jailer. Or his parent.