AIBU to be upset my husband lied about his flight being overbooked?

[OrangeSlices998]

Need some perspective on this and whether my head needs a wobble.

So me and DH have been together for 10 years, we have 3 kids together. We met in London and moved to a small town for his work after our first DC was born.

Recently he went away for a planned lads holiday to Malaga with his uni mates as they’re all turning 40. I don’t know the mates well, they all bar 1 came to the wedding, one was his best man who was incredibly drunk and didn’t do the best speech due to this. I’m only mentioning this because heavy drinking is the norm when these guys get together.

They went to Spain for 4 days, due to fly back on Sunday lunchtime. Originally he had booked to come back on a flight to get him home for 7pm, I had said that was later than I thought he would be back. He then booked a different flight that would have him home for 4pm - this is important.

I didn’t hear from DH much at all, I hadn’t expected to tbh because he was with his friends although it would have been nice to have the odd text checking in as the kids were being very hard work! On Saturday he phoned from his mates phone to tell me he had been mugged the previous evening, he was very drunk and got pushed over and his phone stolen. He thankfully wasn’t hurt and nothing else was stolen. I asked him to buy a cheap phone while he was out there so he wasn’t impossible to reach, I had his mates number but that’s it. I was not having the best time with the kids, they were being very hard work and the crap weather and no car didn’t help.

Saturday lunchtime we speak and I told him what a rough time I was having, the kids were being unusually difficult and I was exhausted. He made sympathetic noises, the call ended. I survived the day (!) and Sunday came. DH hadn’t bought a phone, he called me from his mates phone at about 10ish local time and told me he was heading to the airport shortly (flight departed 12pm local time).

4pm rolled around, not home. Check arrivals, flight landed and he had only hand luggage but traffic etc. 5pm, nothing. 6pm, nothing. I start getting worried, where is he? Is he okay? Did he get on the flight? Did something happen? We live 30-40 minutes from the airport, no traffic showing. I try contacting his friend just to make sure there hadn’t been any issues in Spain, he doesn’t answer. Go out for a walk with the kids as I’m anxious and on edge. Get home at 7.30pm and he walks in about 7.45pm. Says he had to get the second flight of the 2 he booked, the first one was overbooked.

I’m confused now because why didn’t he just call/text me to tell me? I had spent half the afternoon worrying for nothing! His friend had been at the airport with him for a bit, why not just let me know? I was annoyed about this as I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t have just got in touch as he knew I was expecting him on the first flight. I’m just confused because nothing is making sense. DH keeps repeating the story, flight overbooked and I asked what he did while waiting, he said he was just sat in the airport waiting for the second flight. I asked him why he didn’t try to reach me somehow, there would have been ways.

His friend comes back to me on Monday and says DH’s flight was after his and there were no issues. Now I’m more confused because that would mean DH friends flight was before 12pm but I spoke to him at 10am local time and they weren’t at the airport. I called DH on this and said BULLSHIT I think you and your mates decided you coming home on the first flight ruined the fun so you decided to just not get on the first flight and didn’t tell me because you knew I’d be annoyed.

Eventually he admits yes. He had got to the airport for the first flight and didn’t want to leave so he decided fuck it I’ll get the later flight and knew I’d be pissed so didn’t tell me. Had a couple more beers with his mates till they all got their flights and then he got the later one and decided to tell me the first one was overbooked.

I am very hurt by this. Am I being a dick? He knew I had had a tough weekend, he knew I was exhausted, he knew I thought he would be back earlier and he knew I’d be hurt he opted not to get back sooner (I appreciate it’s only a few hours) and decided to lie to me and keep lying. As far as I know he’s never done anything like this before he’s usually a shit liar and wears his heart on his sleeve. We’ve been through a lot together and I really am hurt by it.

I’m less bothered by the fact he had had a lovely time with mates and didn’t want the holiday to end versus the lying to me and not communicating to me, knowing I hadn’t had the easiest weekend. It just feels out of character.

AIBU?

I probably come across as defensive because I didn’t anticipate that I was in the wrong.

His being away for work has been hard although shouldn’t happen again for the foreseeable. I genuinely don’t feel consciously resentful. I will take the feedback on board and reflect on whether it’s unconscious

He owes you, OP. Big time. Make a list.

I think if he’s away a lot with work and takes more trips away with his friends then you are bound to harbour some resentment even if you think you don’t.

From experience - the only way to deal
with this is book more time to yourself. Book weekends away with your friends. Don’t leave a fridge full of meals and ship grandparents in. He needs to look after the kids solo too.

She doesn't sound awful. She sounds like a woman who was left alone with 3 kids a lot due to her husband working away.

Sounds like OP has become default parent.

My husband and I regularly do things separately, he often goes away to motorbike rallies, I go away with my friends. We check in usually once a day, say hi to the kids and that’s it, if my husband called me moaning about the kids behaviour I’d be furious & I’d never do that to him! You need to chill

A list of what?

I just can't cmprehend having that much fun that I'd rather sit in an airport on my own than just get the flight a couple of hours before, I mean it's not a huge deal but just sounds weird to me. Especially after all weekend together, I usually like a lunch time flight after a girls trip as I cannot stand waiting around the airport hungover!

I’d take this as a learning experience. If either of you want to go away, you need to arrange it so the other person still has access to the car. You’ve already realised how much harder that made your life.

What else can you do to make it easier? Could he have left you some easy meals and a full fridge?

And the next solo trip away should be yours. Get planning.

How on earth is this relevant? Surely if this had been the reason he was late he would have mentioned it? Its all in the OP, he's already admitted the only reason he was late was because he deliberately decided to miss his flight!

Did you literally just read the heading, not bother to even look at the op let alone the rest of the thread, because you were so desperate to chime in with this totally useless comment?

I'd have been seriously, seriously worried about where my partner if he just didn't come home after his flight had landed and you had no contact with him or way of contacting him.

To find out he did on purpose (I mean, come on, he must have know you were going to be really worried) and that he could have contacted you and chose not to - I'd be livid.

You saying anything about the kids being annoying on the phone doesn't have anything to do with that and certainly doesn't excuse it. You're both adults and parents and in a relationship, it's not blooming tit for tat.

"Oh, the kids are being annoying, I'll just stay here for a couple more hours drinking with my mates and then I'll lie to my wife about it and leave her to worry". How would that be any kind of excuse?

It does baffle me why people say their kids are being unusually difficult/playing up....are you not used to having your children alone for a few days?
Not really sure what he was going to from another country, so why complain?

If holiday was agreed with and you also get time away from the kids like your husband has i dont see the issue?

Either there are other issues in your relationship or you don't get breaks and time away, in which case this needs dealing with.

You cant be ok with your paryber going away then hassle them about it when they are there this would really put a dampener on their holiday.

My DP is not a drinker, and he contacts me a lot, and I do him so I wouldnt be able to put up with how your DH behaves, but that being said I wouldn't have entered into a relationship with him. Of course you were worried about him, it was a shitty thing to not be in touch, sounds like he was punishing you for ths moaning.

Both to blame here. Doesnt sound like a great relationship tbf, lots of resentment and gameplaying

It’s quite obvious you didn’t want him to go, that you begrudged him going in fact, and that when he did call, you spent the whole time moaning.

it was a really silly lie. But I get why he did.

And where are you that the weather was crap?

He needs to grow up and be honest. You need to learn how to write in past tense.

So he carried on drinking with his mates and drove home from the airport after that. Nice.

Totally agree.

OP you sound like hard work. Instead of letting your husband have his time you told him about the kids, that he needed to buy a new phone, constant staying in touch etc etc.

Lying is never okay biy gut feel given you sound like hard work he took the easy way out.

The 4 hours difference doesn't seem like a big deal - him lying to you and leaving you to worry is weird, especially as your kids may have been excited to see him too, he likely didn't book the other flight.

The fact you are so upset about being a few hours later is probably the reason he is lying because he knew you would be upset, but I would be concerned that he tells you what you want to hear and not necessarily the truth. It could be possible he also deliberately "lost" his phone.

I would talk to him and see if you can get on the same page instead of being annoyed with him for being later home as it is, hopefully you can let him know what you need to make your life easier, and him from you so he doesn't feel the need to pacify you with lies

I think you’re getting a hard time on here - I think the worst part was leaving you with no car to get out & about. That would be difficult with 3 small children.

I don’t think he ever booked, or intended to get the 4pm flight. He should have just been honest with you.

I think 3 little ones solo would be hard work. He knows that so decided to stay longer at the airport - it sounds like the others left around 2pm. So not like he would have missed much by getting home.

He shouldn't have lied.

When do you get time away leaving him to solo parent for an equivalent amount of time? Hopefully very soon.

Yeah i can kind of see both sides too. On one hand he was more in the wrong as it is completely pathetic to waste money on a second flight and lie to your partner just to have a few extra drinking hours with your mates. I also don't agree with the posters criticising you for moaning about the kids - surely thats just normal family stuff, i wouldn't see it as guilt tripping! It would be weird if you completely lied and said they were fine and then changed the story once he was back home!

Otoh stuff like asking him to get a new phone for 24hrs is just a bit too invasive. Its a faff getting a cheap phone in this country, I can imagine even more so, plus trying to sort a sim card etc, in another one, and I can see why its not something he wanted to bother faffing about with during a short holiday. Not to mention the cost, its easy to say buy a cheap phone but they arent that cheap now! You had his mates number and he could use any of their phones to contact you if there was an issue.

Same with blaming him for not having a car - him getting back any earlier would not have made any difference, you weren't going to be taking the kids anywhere late in the evening. If it was an issue to be without a car (and i agree its stupid to have most of the family at home without one just so it can sit in the airport), you should have refused that part when he booked and made clear he would have to get a taxi or public transport.

Even more so given he was a) drinking heavily all weekend and b) flying back to a different airport so would have had to get a lift or something back to where he had left the car anyway.

Off topic but how did he pick up the car if he landed at a different airport?

he should have left you the car - maybe the money spent on flight 2 would have been better spent on taxis

You sound a real fuss pot. That's why he lied because whatever he does is examined with a fine tooth comb. You have him on such a tight rein with you checking up on flight times arrivals who did what and when.

He needs to take his responsibility seriously. These stags, he dos are fraught with expense and danger. Tell him that is his last as they are unaffordable in more ways than one.

So did he drive the car home from the airport after he landed? Having been drinking all day..?

He sounds like a selfish arsehole, and a liar on top of that. In the short term, book yourself a girls holiday and leave him to it for 4-5 days with three kids on his own. And in the longer term consider dumping this selfish, dishonest, binge-drinking loser.

He sounds incredibly selfish, self-absorbed and impulsive (in the bad way). He drinks to excess, lies, only cares about what he wants, doesn't give a shit about the fact that you're home alone with HIS children and would rather be with his friends drinking than coming home to you.

I don't believe for a minute that this man is a good husband on a day-to-day basis, or that your marriage is great overall bar this stunt he's just pulled.

For those saying OP is controlling, can you give examples of what she has said that makes you think that.

Also, if your husband or partner calls and asks how the kids are, I think most of us would say something like - they're playing up/they're a pain in the arse/they're driving me up the wall and we're stuck in cos the weather is rubbish but enjoy your child free, sunny trip dear!!